Nerd Humor Quotes

No one messes around with a nerd's computer and escapes unscathed. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

Of the seminal moments in my life, Careers Day in the autumn of Year 5 is my favorite. Everyone had to dress as whatever they wanted to be once they grew up. I had gone in a tweed jacket and a bow tie, and when Miss Weston asked me what I wanted to be, I told her that I wanted to be the Doctor.

'Shouldn't you be wearing a lab coat and stethoscope like Paul?' She pointed to Paul Black, who was trying to strangle everyone with the stethoscope in question.

Before I could answer, a boy I didn't know from the other class spoke up.

'Paul's *a* doctor,' he explained, giving me a look of approval. 'He wants to be *the* Doctor.'

'Who?'

'Exactly,' we said at the same time, relieved that she understood.

She didn't. We were sent to the quiet table to reflect on why cheeking teachers was wrong. ~ Non Pratt

The preface? Why would he waste time with the preface? Skip the preface and move on to the meat of the thing! ~ Kenneth Oppel

Well. I think it's safe to say that, in my absence, the power grabbing and backstabbing and political intrigue has officially reached an all-time Otherworld high.
~ Lesley Livingston

Sometimes the best thing in life is finding that one person who knows all your mistakes and weaknesses and still thinks you're completely amazing. ~ Jill Shalvis

The nation that complacently and fearfully allows its artists and writers to become suspected rather than respected is no longer regarded as a nation possessed with humor or depth. ~ James Thurber

I'm not sure how people drink out of skulls, Jinx added. Calvin had too many holes in him to make a good cup. ~ Sage Blackwood

I do not want to sound cynical or condescending, but your lips are moving, your mind unbending. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

...True classical dropouts in society are those who avoid difficult challenges and cling to the first opportunity that comes their way. They never test their talents. These latent talents will only help to produce the next cycle of dropouts... ~ Janvier Chouteu-Chando

I rolled my eyes. Has anyone told you you have the maturity level of a four-year-old? ~ Julie Kagawa

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Medical school had been a time for imaginary diseases and Martin had contracted almost all of them. ~ Robin Cook

Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut. ~ Ilona Andrews

The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little. ~ Banksy

Humor levels the playing field. I understood that early on - that was something I had. ~ Robert Mankoff

Did the Order return your sense of humor as part of the severance package? ~ Ilona Andrews

I have always looked upon a telephone as an official kind of machine which you prepared for with fasting and prayer, and only had recourse to when strictly necessary for important business. ~ C.N. Williamson

If all I have to do is remain awake to be considered romantic, than I can promise you a great deal of romance in our marriage. ~ Sherry Thomas

Celebrity, for me, equal hatred ~ Jean-Paul Sartre

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Don't tell me there are more things like that on the streets."
"Okay," he said. ~ Devon Monk

As if anyone in Paris would believe for a second that I was a top. Not only was I made for being manhandled, I was far too lazy to be anything but a bottom. ~ Nicole Castle

Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha! ~ Jeaniene Frost

Remember: Danes are direct descendants of Vikings, so we enjoy watching things burn: bonfires, candles, villages. It's all good. ~ Meik Wiking

The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on the slates. "What are they doing?" Alice whispered to the Gryphon. "They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun."
"They're putting down their names," the Gryphon whispered in reply, "for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial. ~ Lewis Carroll

What is the perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich, exactly?" Tess asked, pursing her lips. Erin knew it was her attempt at making light of a heavy situation.
"You know, just the right amount of jelly where it doesn't squish out when you bite into it. Not so much peanut butter that you get all goopy-mouthed. Making the perfect PBJ is an art form. And it has to be fresh white bread, and the best grape jelly and creamy peanut butter on the market. No exceptions."
Tess bobbed her head. "Ah, yes. The dreaded goopy mouth. ~ Jenny Lyn

As my mom used to say,If wishes were horses, we'd be up to our eyeballs in shit. ~ Cat Adams

Life is a beautiful thing. Plant it in the ground, and it blooms into opportunity, capice? ~ Gasmaskman

After all, what's good enough for Austen ought to be good enough for anyone. ~ Mary Ann Shaffer

Time doesn't go. Time stays. We go. ~ Linda Ellerbee

I can't be a mummy, I'm a daddy! ~ Curly Howard

Focus. She's Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane's butt like that? ~ Zach ~ Monique DeVere

Maybe I'm wrong; I might not believe in fate but I do believe in causality and who's to say fate isn't just a sort of social mathematics that brings like-minded people together. ~ Simon Pegg

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. ~ Virginia Woolf

Dr. Jacobus, I am walking out your doors right now. I need clothes. I am going to Vatican City. One does not go to Vatican City with ones ass hanging out. Do I make myself clear? ~ Dan Brown

No hens or foxes were harmed in the making of this book. ~ Kate Read

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance? ~ Ronald Reagan

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup. ~ H.L. Mencken

The wacky thing about those bad guys is that you can't count on them to be obvious. They forget to wax their mustaches and goatees, leave their horns at home, send their black hats to the dry cleaner's. They're funny like that. ~ Jim Butcher

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

She sighs, and then gives me this look. It's new and I don't like it. Sort of, Two roads diverged in a wood, mine is normal, but I hope you can be happy for me even though you are Miss Havisham. ~ Anna Breslaw

Your life today is the sum total of your choices. So if you're not happy with it, look back at your choices and start making different ones. Even if you are struck by lighting and injured, you made choices that led you to that spot at a particular time - and you get to choose how you feel about it afterward. ~ Kevin Hart

He nodded."
"He kind-of-halfway-sort-of-nodded-but-it-might-have-been-a-random-twitch. ~ Brandon Sanderson

Don't force it; get a bigger hammer. ~ Arthur Bloch

A man can't talk of true happiness if he has never known true love - the trusting, selfless and unconditional love that I took for granted. ~ Janvier Chouteu-Chando

Not enough info makes for a lot of dead cats."
"Dead cats?"
"You know, 'Curiosity killed the cat.' And I have enough curiosity to start a feline genocide."
"Feline genocide?"
"Yeah. If you don't explain Apollo, the cat kingdom will crumble. Cats all over the world will suddenly plop down in unmoving masses of fur, their food will dry up in smelly chunks of fish, and when people call, 'Here, kitty kitty kitty,' no cats will come running; they'll just-" Walter suddenly stopped.
"What's wrong?" Ashley asked.
Walter stared straight ahead. "I just realized . . . if all those things happened, no one would notice the difference." ~Walter~ ~ Bryan Davis

There are three things that none of the young men of the present generation can do.They can't sit over their wine;they can't play at wist;and they can't pay a lady a compliment. ~ Wilkie Collins

Cultivate," I said, "a sense of humor. From a humorous point of view this lunch is rather good. ~ Jerome K. Jerome

We wished to go to the Ambrosian Library, and we did that also. We saw a manuscript of Virgil, with annotations in the handwriting of Petrarch, the gentleman who loved another man's Laura, and lavished upon her all through life a love which was a clear waste of the raw material. It was sound sentiment, but bad judgment. It brought both parties fame, and created a fountain of commiseration for them in sentimental breasts that is running yet. But who says a word in behalf of poor Mr. Laura? (I do not know his other name.) Who glorifies him? Who bedews him with tears? Who writes poetry about him? Nobody. How do you suppose he liked the state of things that has given the world so much pleasure? How did he enjoy having another man following his wife every where and making her name a familiar word in every garlic-exterminating mouth in Italy with his sonnets to her pre-empted eyebrows? They got fame and sympathy--he got neither. This is a peculiarly felicitous instance of what is called poetical justice. It is all very fine; but it does not chime with my notions of right. It is too one-sided--too ungenerous. ~ Mark Twain

It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-"
"You invented the internet?"
It was my idea, Martha said.
Rats are delicious, George said.
"It was my idea!" Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point. ~ Rick Riordan

I've never understood people who just go out for one drink. Once I have one drink, I want all the drinks. ~ Vicki Lesage