Mother Knows Best Funny Quotes

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A: Funny about my mother. All my life, from the time I was just a little kid, I thought of her as a sad person. I mean, the way some people are tall or fat or skinny. My father always seemed the stronger one. As if he was a bright color and she was a faded color. I know it sounds crazy.
T: Not at all.
A: But later, when I learned the truth about our lives, I found she was still sad. But strong, too. Not faded at all. It wasn't sadness so much as fear
the Never Knows. ~ Robert Cormier
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Robert Cormier
I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother. ~ Rita Rudner
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Rita Rudner
Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine's Day gift for their mother? Doens't that freak you out a little? It's like, 'I don't know how to break this to you but I think she's banging your dad!' ~ Russ Meneve
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Russ Meneve
Roosevelt could always keep ahead with his work, but I cannot do it, and I know it is a grievous fault, but it is too late to remedy it. The country must take me as it found me. Wasn't it your mother who had a servant girl who said it was no use for her to try to hurry, that she was a "Sunday chil" and no "Sunday chil" could hurry? I don't think I am a Sunday child, but I ought to have been; then I would have had an excuse for always being late. ~ William Howard Taft
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by William Howard Taft
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day. ~ Jay Leno
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Jay Leno
Mama does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Dada first. ~ Mignon McLaughlin
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Mignon McLaughlin
Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about. ~ Sam Ewing
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Sam Ewing
We're blessed on 'How I Met Your Mother' to feel like we're doing a bit of a funny playlet everyday. ~ Neil Patrick Harris
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Neil Patrick Harris
My mother was a terrific force in my life. Wartime-generation woman, hadn't gone to university but should have done. Was very funny, very verbal, very clever, very witty. ~ Ian Hislop
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Ian Hislop
A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! ~ Homer
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Homer
Good mother knows her children, knows everything about them, the good and the bad. A great mother loves them regardless. ~ Melody Anne
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Melody Anne
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself. ~ Chris Rock
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Chris Rock
You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you're funny. ~ Al Franken
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Al Franken
Only a mother knows a mother's fondness. ~ Mary Wortley Montagu
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Mary Wortley Montagu
My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money. ~ Wendy Liebman
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Wendy Liebman
I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person. ~ Robin Williams
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Robin Williams
My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth certificate, so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra fifty cents that the adults had to pay. ~ Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
I asked mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. ~ Bill Watterson
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Bill Watterson
I would ask my mother to show me how to walk - and she did show me. That's why I think it's funny when people say, 'Did so-and-so teach you how to walk?' And I always say, 'You must be talking about my mother, because it was my mother who taught me how to walk.' ~ Naomi Campbell
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Naomi Campbell
When I was about eight, I asked my mother if it was true that God knows everything about you. When she answered yes, I said, 'Then there's no hope for me, Mum.' ~ Andrew Sullivan
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Andrew Sullivan
You know ... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time ... husband!!! ~ Bill Maher
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Bill Maher
I unapologetically and unabashedly am deeply biased toward my mother. ~ Chelsea Clinton
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Chelsea Clinton
I never know when I am being funny, and the other way too. I don't think you can think about that. I don't think you can try to be funny. Some people are just funny. ~ Christopher Walken
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Christopher Walken
A mother is the best friend God ever gave. ~ Christian Nestell Bovee
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Christian Nestell Bovee
That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop. ~ Brendan Behan
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Brendan Behan
If you really love one another, you will not be able to avoid making sacrifices. ~ Mother Teresa
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Mother Teresa
Chemistry's a funny thing. It can be instantaneous, but it helps when you know someone. ~ David Walton
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by David Walton
You know what they say about big hitters ... the woods are full of them. ~ Jimmy Demaret
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Jimmy Demaret
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. ~ Emo Philips
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Emo Philips
As the mother knows the needs better than the babe, so the Blessed Mother understands our cries and worries and knows them better than we know ourselves. ~ Fulton J. Sheen
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Fulton J. Sheen
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ~ Henny Youngman
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Henny Youngman
I've always said people say on a dramatic show, 'I was crying. It was so emotional when he went and grabbed that little girl from a burning building and handed her over to her mother.' In comedy, the best thing you can say is, 'I think it's funny.' ~ Bob Newhart
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Bob Newhart
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. ~ Groucho Marx
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Groucho Marx
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ~ Frederick Bushnell "Jack" Ryder
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Frederick Bushnell
Anyway ... she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a horse who knows a goat who knows another horse- ~ Rick Riordan
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Rick Riordan
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. ~ Angie Dickinson
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Angie Dickinson
British politics, as the world knows, is a joke. Yet it's rarely funny. ~ Morrissey
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Morrissey
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. ~ W.C. Fields
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by W.C. Fields
She has been to the compound before. She remembered this hallway. She knows about the initiation process.
My mother was Dauntless. ~ Veronica Roth
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Veronica Roth
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head? ~ Billy Connolly
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Billy Connolly
To completely trust in Allah is to be like a child who knows deeply that even if he does not call for the mother, the mother is totally aware of his condition and is looking after him. ~ Al-Ghazali
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Al-Ghazali
We cannot really know God if we do not pray. ~ Mother Teresa
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Mother Teresa
Because her instinct has told her, or because she has been reliably informed, the faded virgin knows that the supreme joys are not for her; she knows by a process of the intellect; but she can feel her deprivation no more than the young mother can feel the hardship of the virgin's lot. ~ Arnold Bennett
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Arnold Bennett
I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away. ~ Norm MacDonald
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Norm MacDonald
My mother had a very difficult childhood, having seen her own mother kill herself. So she didn't always know how to be the nurturing mother that we all expect we should have. ~ Amy Tan
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Amy Tan
My mother was a nurse, and in her era, most diseases weren't understood; people put mustard plasters on knees and rubbed camphor on your chest if you had a cough and did funny things to you if you had tuberculosis - all these things that really made very little difference once proper treatments were brought in. ~ Barry Marshall
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Barry Marshall
Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better. ~ George Mikes
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by George Mikes
The only person who worries about my mother is God, and that's only because she wants His job. ~ Sue Civil-Brown
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Sue Civil-Brown
My mother is somebody who I think of as having just an intense close focus. She's somebody who really can pay very, very close attention to the thing she's focusing on for a very long period of time, and that has served her incredibly well in her professional career. She knows - the things she knows, she knows them just so deeply. ~ David Plotz
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by David Plotz
My job is to bring the tickle. I know what's funny. ~ Leslie Jones
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Leslie Jones
You know, funny can be universal. ~ Maz Jobrani
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Maz Jobrani
Most American children suffer too much mother and too little father. ~ Gloria Steinem
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Gloria Steinem
Acceptance, tolerance, bravery, compassion. These are the things my mom taught me. ~ Lady Gaga
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Lady Gaga
You know my God. My God is called love ~ Mother Teresa
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Mother Teresa
I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with. ~ Jim Gaffigan
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Jim Gaffigan
Even-money that my liver lasts through my wife's metamorphosis to my mother-in-law. ~ Tim Heaton
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Tim Heaton
There are few lonelier sights than a good comedian being funny in a movie that doesn't know what funny is. ~ Roger Ebert
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Roger Ebert
My mother and father were very strange people. They tried to be funny which is always very sad to me. ~ Jonathan Winters
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Jonathan Winters
You know which title I like best? I like to be called mother. ~ Jayne Mansfield
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Jayne Mansfield
Everything everyone thinks they know about [Mother Teresa] is false. It must be the single most successful emotional con job of the twentieth century. ~ Christopher Hitchens
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Christopher Hitchens
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. ~ Paula Poundstone
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Paula Poundstone
Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows. ~ Al Unser
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Al Unser
I don't know if there is a gene for comedy, but my dad was a very funny man. He just didn't know it. He was a naturally funny character, and when my brother and I would laugh at things he said and did, he would say, 'What do you think is so funny?' ~ James Belushi
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by James Belushi
But Phoebe loved her mother best as she was now, wistful, out-of-step, her laugh tinged always with sadness, as if things were only funny in spite of themselves. ~ Jennifer Egan
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Jennifer Egan
The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time. ~ Joe Rogan
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Joe Rogan
It's funny. I thought she'd live through anything."
Charlie said, "Me too. I figured even if there was a nuclear war, it would still leave radioactive cockroaches and your mum. ~ Neil Gaiman
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Neil Gaiman
Some lucky people can be funny without half trying because they actually look funny, because acting funny is in their bones - fun as funny, not funny as crude slapstick. ~ F. Sionil Jose
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by F. Sionil Jose
It's so interesting to watch Ben Stiller work because he just knows what's funny. ~ Michael Pena
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Michael Pena
You know, for one glorious half hour, I was the mother of the president-elect. ~ Barbara Bush
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Barbara Bush
You know, funny is this weird word for me. I hear is so many times it has no meaning anymore. ~ Bruce McCulloch
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Bruce McCulloch
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny. ~ Joan Rivers
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Joan Rivers
Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her ~ Shikamaru Nara
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Shikamaru Nara
It is really funny to see people that you know acting unpleasantly just because there are TV cameras on. ~ Penn Jillette
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Penn Jillette
Tino laughed with him and then asked, "What the hell is up with you? You acted like I murdered your mother today."
"Not funny." Chuito sobered. "Mafia doesn't get to make jokes about murdering my mother. ~ Kele Moon
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Kele Moon
A mother is neither cocky, nor proud, because she knows the school principal may call at any minute to report that her child had just driven a motorcycle through the gymnasium. ~ Mary Kay Blakely
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Mary Kay Blakely
I know that a mother, no matter how impoverished or uneducated, will do anything to save her babies. ~ Jane Chen
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Jane Chen
On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are you talking to him in Yiddish?" The mother answered, "I don't want he should forget he's a Jew." ~ Kirk Douglas
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Kirk Douglas
My mother, my psychiatrist and an assortment of sedatives eventually convinced me I was delusional. ~ Wayne Gerard Trotman
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Wayne Gerard Trotman
We all know funny people who can't get it down on the page - even funny writers who can't get it down on the page. ~ Calvin Trillin
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Calvin Trillin
In this world, everyone wants to know everything about you, and I think that's funny. ~ Leighton Meester
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Leighton Meester
You live and die according to what goes on in yourself, which no one else can even begin to know, not even father, mother, wife, son, or daughter. ~ William, Saroyan
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by William, Saroyan
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? ~ George Carlin
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by George Carlin
For me, as a mother, I am just, you know, I just can't put into words how important it is for every American, for every mother, for every person in this country, to have healthcare. ~ Michelle Obama
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Michelle Obama
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. ~ Steven Wright
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Steven Wright
I don't know if fury can compete with necessity as the mother of invention, but I recommend it. ~ Gloria Steinem
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Gloria Steinem
The problem is that we live in an uptight country. Why don't we just laugh at ourselves? We are funny. Gays are funny. Straights are funny. Women are funny. Men are funny. We are all funny, and we all do funny things. Let's laugh about it. ~ Bob Newhart
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Bob Newhart
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ~ Emo Philips
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Emo Philips
My mom is my hero. [She] inspired me to dream when I was a kid, so anytime anyone inspires you to dream, that's gotta be your hero. ~ Tim McGraw
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Tim McGraw
I don't know. I think it's funny! I think it's funny! I go, what? It's so absurd. I'm alone. ~ Danny DeVito
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Danny DeVito
If my kids were to make a talking doll of me as a mother, one of my recorded phrases would be 'I will throw that in the trash.' 'If you don't put that down right now, I will throw that in the trash.' It's very funny to hear myself say certain things - like noticing which phrases become the most popular to use. ~ Justine Bateman
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Justine Bateman
Your mother can't hear you here."
"Distance is no match for my mother's eavesdropping and mind-reading skills."

"I had steel anti-mind-reading plates installed this week. Specially designed to be Marilyn-proof. Also sounds an alarm if she gets within two hundred yards of the building, and I sent the guards downstairs to ninja training. You're safe. ~ Jamie Farrell
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Jamie Farrell
My mother had morning sickness after I was born. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I don't get offered many dramatic roles. As soon as my face pops up in a movie, everyone knows I'm the funny guy. ~ Chris Elliott
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Chris Elliott
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.' ~ Bob Monkhouse
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Bob Monkhouse
The funniest racism is the racism between minorities. It's something you don't see dramatized, but almost every minority I know who's my age, they have these funny stories about their parents stereotyping other minorities. ~ Mindy Kaling
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Mindy Kaling
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. ~ W. H. Auden
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by W. H. Auden
The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. Please know that it is worth it then, now, and forever. ~ Jeffrey R. Holland
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Jeffrey R. Holland
Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.. ~ Ray Romano
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Ray Romano
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. ~ Paul Simon
Mother Knows Best Funny quotes by Paul Simon
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