Midwesterns Quotes

In this he was like most Midwesterners. Directions are very important to them. They have an innate need to be oriented, even in their anecdotes. Any story related by a Midwesterner will wander off at some point into a thicket of interior monologue along the lines of "We were staying at a hotel that was eight blocks northeast of the state capital building. Come to think of it, it was northwest. And I think it was probably more like nine blocks. And this woman without any clothes on, naked as the day she was born except for a coonskin cap, came running at us from the southwest... or was it the southeast?" If there are two Midwesterns present and they both witnessed the incident, you can just about write off the anecdote because they will spend the rest of the afternoon arguing points of the compass and will never get back to the original story. You can always tell a Midwestern couple in Europe because they will be standing on a traffic island in the middle of a busy intersection looking at a windblown map and arguing over which way is west. European cities, with their wandering streets and undisciplined alleys, drive Midwesterners practically insane. ~ Bill Bryson

I've since met other Midwesterners, and I know the drill: They can be witty, bright, and kind, but they're not self-centered, grandiose, or emotional. They can be even-tempered, even during sh@tstorms of winter weather that render their climate unfit for life. They use relative negatives when they-re asked how they're doing, and say it 'could be worse'. They're polite enough to keep their feelings from bleeding over into messy ethnic territories. They hate margarine. ~ Julie Klausner