Lmao Funny Quotes

Brandt was in a room full of people all looking at him as he was about to get naked...When Brandt's cock sprung free, there was a gasp from all corners of the room.
Nestor fanned himself. Bryce's mouth made a perfect "O" in exactly the right shape to fit over a beautiful, plump cockhead. Donnelly just stared, blinked hard, and stared some more.
"What? You guys all look like you've never seen a dick before," Brandt said, a touch of defensive anger in his voice.
"Honey, I thought I had, but I have been most cruelly misled," answered Bryce.
--Dressing room incident #3 ~ Xavier Mayne

You're on a road show with your penis, and trust me, I'm the last person who wants to get in your way. But I'm telling you, operation occupy-my-vagina is a no-go for the evening. ~ Addison Moore

You like my forearms?
No, not yours in particular. I mean, they're fine. Just, it's a sexy body part.
I totally agree. I just didn't know girls liked them too.
Oh, yes, Daniel. All girls like forearms. Every single one. No really, I've asked all of us and we all agree. We don't even agree about whether or not the long arm of the law should be able to reach into our vaginas, but we agree about forearms. ~ Roan Parrish

Fifteen minutes later, Justin looks at his pint of blood with pride. He doesn't want it to go to some stranger, he almost wants to bring it to the hospital himself, survey the wards and present it to someone special, for it's the first thing to come straight from his heart in a very long time. ~ Cecelia Ahern

He shrugged. "I have a stomach thing. Don't get close."
"Well, now you've spoiled everything," I said casually, working hard to fake it. "I was planning to seduce you in the broom closet." I pointed. "Right there."
A joyless smile appeared on Jamie's lips. "We are far too screwed-up for a goddamned love
triangle."
That's my Jamie. ~ Michelle Hodkin

She committed suicide by putting her extremities down the garbage disposal-first one arm and then, kind of miraculously if you think about it, the other arm. ~ David Foster Wallace

My friend "M" says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off. ~ Isaac Marion

Travel and society polish one, but a rolling stone gathers no moss, and a little moss is a good thing on a man. ~ John Burroughs

I'm a huge fan of Adam Sandler and used to have Adam Sandler nights when I was younger. And he's so funny on the set. ~ Sophie Monk

Jocko likes salty, Jocko likes sweet, but never bring Jocko any hot sauce, like with jalapenos, because it makes Jocko squirt funny-smelling stuff out his ears. ~ Dean Koontz

Laughing together heartily at the same thing forms an instant bond. ~ Liz Curtis Higgs

Remember, whoever is funny is king. ~ Sean "Day 9 " Plott

I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans. ~ Mike Birbiglia

It's not funny, Kacey!" I hiss. "That guy forced himself on me!"
She rolls her eyes but then, after a long pause, she sighs. "Yeah, you're right." Reaching over, she pinches the guy's arm without hesitation. "Hey, buddy!"
"You do that to her again and I'll sneak into your room and rip your balls off while you sleep, capisce?" she warns with a pointed finger. Most times my sister's threats involve the mutilation of testicles. ~ K.A. Tucker

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping? ~ Ellen DeGeneres

I had a prejudice against the British until I discovered that fifty percent of them were female. ~ Ray Floyd

There was a zombie at my back door. Its eyes swung up, and they were blue, the whites already clouding with the egg rot of death. Its jaw a mess of meat and frozen blood; something had eaten half its face. Its fingertips already worn down to bony nubs, scraped against the window. Flesh hung in strips from it's hand, and my stomach turned over hard. Black mist rose at the corners of my vision, and the funny rushing sound in my head sounded like a jet plane taking off. I'd know that zombie anywhere. Even if he was dead and mangled, his eyes were the same. Blue as winter ice, fringed with pale lashes. ~ Lilith Saintcrow

It's probably not easy for a woman to understand what it's like to be a man. Imagine you're starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There's delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it's really really hard not to eat it all. That's what it's like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man's natural programming. It's a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower. ~ Oliver Markus

And it's a long drive down the line to centerfield. ~ Jerry Coleman

It became a gamble to myself whether I was able to do the exact same film ["Funny Games"]under very different circumstances. ~ Michael Haneke

Peter Weir has just shrugged off an ankle injury ~ Jock Brown

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh ... I guess I said something, and, uh ... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she ... " Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it." ~ Louis C.K.

You know what? At the end of the day, funny is funny. I hope to see the end of all the female cliches that are written in a lot of comedies that are named chick flicks. ~ Wendi McLendon-Covey

Suddenly I began to wonder how to please so many people. do I take the magnesium citrate? What about the coffee enema? Do I do both? Do I do the abdominal message or the colonic? Do I tell the doctors about each other? East meets West in Gilda's body: Western medicine down my throat, Eastern medicine up my butt. ~ Gilda Radner

Miguel: Merle? What kind of hick name is that? I wouldn't name my dog Merle. ~ The Walking Dead

Being with her I feel a pain, like a frozen knife stuck in my chest. An awful pain, but the funny thing is I'm thankful for it. It's like that frozen pain and my very existence are one.
The pain is an anchor, mooring me here. ~ Haruki Murakami

So you were looking for a bathroom in the woods?"
"Well, yes." She swallowed. "Sort of. But then I heard a splash and saw you…" Her cheeks were practically purple now.
I played dumb. "Saw me what?"
"Saw you naked, OK?" she blurted, throwing her hands up. "I admit it - I saw you naked."
I had no hang-ups about nudity, but I was damn serious about my privacy, and about people sneaking up on me. But her embarrassment was funny. The two times I'd seen her before, she'd been so polished and poised. It felt good to put her in her place a little. "So you climbed a tree for a better view, is that it? ~ Melanie Harlow

I was thinking we could get a picture of you holding a pitchfork or something. Maybe a big wooden cross? Sound good?"(Brian)
She stared at him. He lifted his hands and leaned back in his seat, as if he was afraid she might start spitting on him. "Hey, only joking."
"Very funny."
"Oh, I do love jokes." Greyson Dante stood by her side.
"Hello, Mr. Dante. I'm afraid this is a private conversation, so you will, of course, be going now."
His grin widened. Was there no way to insult the man? ~ Stacia Kane

"It's an old habit of mine, Wal'r," said the Captain, "any time these fifty year. When you see Ned Cuttle bite his nails, Wal'r, then you may know that Ned Cuttle's aground." ~ Charles Dickens

She must really love you to distraction."
"It's rather a funny sensation, you know," he answered, wrinkling a perplexed forehead. "I haven't the smallest doubt that if I really left her, definitely, she would commit suicide. Not with any ill-feeling towards me, but quite naturally, because she was unwilling to live without me. It is a curious feeling it gives one to know that. It can't help meaning something to you. ~ W. Somerset Maugham

I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track. ~ Gene Wilder

Isn't that funny, to think that the people who have lived in your daydreams for the past two weeks, the people whom you've drawn in your chemistry notebook, to think that those people might not even know who you are? ~ Leila Sales

Sqwaak!" from Fletcher, the environmental crime fighting parrot in The Big Belch graphic novel by Kay Wood. ~ Kay Wood

It's funny how these days, when every household has its own inter-continental ballistic missile, you hardly even think about them ... A lot of us, though, have started painting the missiles different colors, even decorating them with our own designs, like butterflies or stenciled flowers. They take up so much space in the backyard, they might as well look nice, and the government leaflets don't say that you have to use the paint they supply. ~ Shaun Tan

Whether it's an innate ability or an acquired way of regarding the world around us, being labeled as funny can only be accepted as a compliment. ~ Alan Zweibel

I seem to get into situations that make people laugh, but I don't consider myself that funny of a person. I'm not witty. I'm kind of slow in conversations. I'm not that articulate with jokes. The first time I made stuff and screened it for an audience, I was surprised what people were laughing at. ~ Nathan Fielder

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.' ~ Mike Birbiglia

You need anything we're only an hour away, give or take, honey. You call. We'll help you hide the body. ~ Sean Michael

Do you want me to ride you like a rented mule, or do you prefer to be Mr. Missionary Position? I'm fine with wither, so it doesn't matter to me. ~ Katie MacAlister