Lawyer Jokes Quotes

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. ~ Magdalen Braden

Twain please!" Peck blubbered. "It was never personal. It was just business!"
"Oh Peck, do you think I'm mad at you? I"m a lawyer. I don't get mad. I don't get even." Twain gave him a wicked smile. " I sue people. ~ Arthur Daigle

I find that when I tell lawyer jokes to a mixed audience, the lawyers don't think they're funny and the non-lawyers don't think they're jokes. ~ John Roberts

Lawyers forever overestimate their own intelligence and underestimate their clients'. ~ Portia Porter, Can You Stiff Your Divorce Lawyer

I was so happy to be out of there. "Barabas, if you weren't batting
for the other team, I'd marry you."

He grinned. "If I weren't batting for the other team, I would accept your
proposal. You had me at 'No comment.' If all my clients were this smart, my
life would be much easier. Much, much easier. ~ Ilona Andrews

The land was torn apart in a legal dispute. Soon it was so devastated, nothing could live here- not plant or animal. Only lawyers. But eventually the place fell into lawlessness, and lawyers can't exist in an area of lawlessness, so they went feral. Some say they still roam the land. You'll suddenly hear someone yell, 'Objection!' and then you'll be torn apart like an improperly witnessed contract. ~ Frank J. Fleming

Lawyer's credo: Anyone can sue anyone for anything. ~ James Patterson

Arguing with a lawyer is not the hardest thing in the world; not arguing is. ~ Raheel Farooq

I wouldn't call Gabriel Walsh if I was on fire." She pursed her lips. "No, I might. To sue everyone responsible - from the person who lit the match to those who made my clothes. But I'd wait until the fire was out. Otherwise, he'd just stand there until I was burned enough for a sizable settlement. ~ Kelley Armstrong

The man who acts as his own lawyer has a fool for a client. ~ Joseph Hansen

I am a good lawyer," said Renard. "Often I've made right out of wrong and wrong out of right, as it suited me." - ROMAN DE RENARD ~ Frances Gies

I needed time to stand back and go through a lot more experience in life. Then I have something to write about, joke or to animate. ~ Howie Mandel

I make jokes about the fact that as a neuro-surgeon I shouldn't be required at a motor race because the drivers don't have any brains ... otherwise they wouldn't race. ~ Sid Watkins

Perhaps our Irish friends should not so completely turn their backs on their historical dishes, no matter how many jokes they might have to endure. ~ Nick Clooney

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Entertainment Law is not as Entertaining as Entertainment ~ Kalyan C. Kankanala

Jokes? There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all. ~ Muhammad Ali

In the view of some people, you can only believe in civil rights if you work as a civil rights lawyer. I just don't buy that. ~ Deval Patrick

And writing comedy and it really taught me how to kind of like craft jokes, it sounds like weird but really focus on crafting jokes and trying to make the writing really sharp. At the same time I did improv comedy in college, and that helped with understanding the performance aspect of comedy, you know, because it's different when you improv something vs. when you write it and they're both kind of part of my process now. ~ Nicholas Stoller

The Lord's angel, Gebrail, dictated the Koran to Mohammed the Lord's Prophet. What a joke if all that holy book were only twenty-three years of listening to the desert. A desert which has no voice. ~ Thomas Pynchon

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.' ~ George Burns

You must however pay attention to the fact that we don't only lose time to lateness. We also lose time to jokes, gossip, empty talks, sleep on duty, social media etc. ~ Sunday Adelaja

A French observer is surprised to hear how often an English or an American lawyer quotes the opinions of others, and how little he alludes to his own; ... This abnegation of his own opinion, and this implicit deference to the opinion of his forefathers, which are common to the English and American lawyer, this servitude of thought which he is obliged to profess, necessarily give him more timid habits and more conservative inclinations in England and America than in France. ~ Alexis De Tocqueville

It was a joke to the extent in the context of the views that speech. ~ Herman Cain

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white. ~ J. B. Smoove

Some of our clients have not been saints, but no lawyer can dictate morals to his client. ~ John Grisham

The religion of my doctor or my lawyer cannot matter. That consideration has nothing in common with the functions of the friendship they owe me. ~ Michel De Montaigne

So, great. This is Camp ... what do you call it? Camp Fish-Blood?"
Aphros frowned. "I hope that was a joke. This is Camp __________." He made a sound that was a series of sonar pings and hisses. ~ Rick Riordan

When I first started doing my stand-up act, I played the banjo, did comedy, magic tricks, juggled, read poetry. I stuck it all in. I didn't know you were supposed to just stand up and tell jokes. Essentially, that's what my act became: those five elements - except I dropped the poetry. ~ Steve Martin

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

Don't worry, Mrs. Colder. For the most part, we keep him leashed and gagged. We only let him free when the cute little animal jokes are needed.

~Sherra Callahan (on Kane Tyler)~ ~ Lora Leigh

Nobody reads poetry, we are told at every inopportune moment. I read poetry. I am somebody. I am the people, too. It can be allowed that an industrious quantity of contemporary American poetry is consciously written for a hermetic constituency; the bulk is written for the bourgeoisie, leaving a lean cut for labor. Only the hermetically aimed has a snowball's chance in hell of reaching its intended ears. One proceeds from this realization. A staggering figure of vibrant, intelligent people can and do live without poetry, especially without the poetry of their time. This figure includes the unemployed, the rank and file, the union brass, banker, scientist, lawyer, doctor, architect, pilot, and priest. It also includes most academics, most of the faculty of the humanities, most allegedly literary editors and most allegedly literary critics. They do so--go forward in their lives, toward their great reward, in an engulfing absence of poetry--without being perceived or perceiving themselves as hobbled or deficient in any significant way. It is nearly true, though I am often reminded of a Transtromer broadside I saw in a crummy office building in San Francisco:



We got dressed and showed the house

You live well the visitor said

The slum must be inside you.



If I wanted to understand a culture, my own for instance, and if I thought such an understanding were the basis for a lifelong inquiry, I would turn to poetry fi ~ C.D. Wright

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator ... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke. ~ Alan King

jokes are used to hide the truth! ~ Eric Jerome Dickey

after his lawyer argued that given the passage of time, he wouldn't have a fair hearing. He became a pariah in the offender-profiling world. Now, ~ Jon Ronson

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. ~ Sam Kinison

I am really, truly dead serious when I am just joking. But only if you're a joke would you mind my poking. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

What's going on, Helen?" Polydeuces came up behind us, followed closely by Castor. They'd been working hard down among the oarsmen again, and it was no pleasure to stand too near them on that windless day.
"The usual, from the look of things," Castor said, glancing at Milo's sagging body at the rail. He gave the boy an encouraging pat on the back. "Try to drink something, even if you can't keep your food down, lad," he said. "Shall I bring you a little watered wine?"
Milo lifted his sallow, haggard face and tried to thank my brother for his kindness but had to turn away quickly and spew over the side again.
Polydeuces sighed. "How can he still do that? I haven't seen him eat a bite of food since we boarded. You'd think his gut would be empty by now."
"Maybe it's a sacred mystery and only the gods know the answer," Castor said, smiling. "Like the horn of the she-goat who suckled the infant Zeus, the horn he broke off and blessed as soon as he was king of the gods so that it poured out a never-ending stream of food and drink."
"I always thought it was a strange way to thank the poor beast, breaking off one of her horns, Polydeuces said. "But it's not my place to question the gods." He, too, patted Milo's shivering back and added, "So, boy, how does it feel to be pouring out a never-ending stream of--?"
"Stop that!" I scowled at my brothers as I shooed them away from Milo. "How can you make such jokes in front of him?"
"To be honest, the only t ~ Esther M. Friesner

Now a second-order vain person is a vain person who's also vain about appearing to have an utter lack of vanity. Who's enormously afraid that other people will perceive him as vain. A second-order vain person will sit up late learning jokes in order to appear funny and charming, but will deny that he sits up late learning jokes. Or he'll perhaps even try to give the impression that he doesn't regard himself as funny at all. ~ David Foster Wallace

I don't think you should make so many off-colour jokes about him becoming a cuckold. You're only getting away with it because he doesn't know what it means.' 'That's the beauty of the English language. One can wrap insults inside elegance, like popping anchovies into pastry. ~ Christopher Fowler

Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject. ~ Bo Burnham

I had a lot of bad jobs but the one big internship I had is I interned for 'SNL' when I was 21 years old and that was the joke. You intern there and you think man, I'm going to be with the writers and the great comedians. Then you're getting everybody sandwiches and then the doors close and then all the great creatives are doing the work. ~ Jake Johnson