Lawyer Joke Quotes

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I'm presuming, though, that breaking and entering isn't your intent, unless you bring a lawyer in tow, should you be caught." He pursed his lips. "That could be convenient. ~ Kelley Armstrong
Lawyer Joke quotes by Kelley Armstrong
With Congress and the S.E.C. so heavily peopled by lawyers, and with lawyers having been so heavily involved in drafting financial disclosure documents now seen as bogus, there was a new "lawyer" joke every week. One such was: "The butcher says 'the reputation of lawyers has fallen dramatically', and the check-out clerk replies: "How do you fall dramatically off a pancake? ~ Charlie Munger
Lawyer Joke quotes by Charlie Munger
Mars and Venus are at it again. This time, Hephaestus is standing by with a private detective, a photographer, and a lawyer. ~ Mason Cooley
Lawyer Joke quotes by Mason Cooley
My goal is to get on the national team. People joke that we'll be able to go to Beijing in 2008, but it's just jokes right now. Hopefully I'll be able to make it a reality. ~ Lindsay Thompson
Lawyer Joke quotes by Lindsay Thompson
There's no question there's enough information available to all of us in this society for darn near anything. The problem is the quality of the information, the presentation of it ... You shouldn't have to be a lawyer. ~ Sherrod Brown
Lawyer Joke quotes by Sherrod Brown
A lot of people who look at my photographs think it is an easy joke, but it does take a bit of thinking about. ~ Alison Jackson
Lawyer Joke quotes by Alison Jackson
Besides, if you're sick, I'm on life support. As wrong as that joke is. ~ Lia Habel
Lawyer Joke quotes by Lia Habel
A good joke can spread throughout the Internet between the time you go to bed and the time you wake up, leading to an inbox filled with pictures of funny cats and cheeseburgers. ~ Rosanna Pansino
Lawyer Joke quotes by Rosanna Pansino
In Boffo's Novelty and Joke Emporium in Ankh-Morpork, all the whoopee cushions trumpeted in a doleful harmony; ~ Terry Pratchett
Lawyer Joke quotes by Terry Pratchett
And there's a cop over there."
"What?" the boy said, glancing at the D.C. police officer that stood at the corner of the street, "You think that guys can do a better job protecting you than I can?"
Actually, I thought Liz could have done a better job "protecting" me than he could, but instead I said, "No, I think if you don't leave me alone, I can scream and that cop will arrest you."
Somehow the boy seemed to know it was a joke ... ~ Ally Carter
Lawyer Joke quotes by Ally Carter
In recent years personal injury attorneys and trial lawyers have attacked the food industry with numerous lawsuits alleging that these businesses should pay monetary damages to those who, of their own accord, consume too much of a legal, safe product. ~ Bob Ney
Lawyer Joke quotes by Bob Ney
Abigail,' he says. 'I thought it was you.'
'Hi!' I say loudly. 'Mark!'
'Who?' says Robert. Fuck, he doesn't know his real name. Why do I give everyone stupid nicknames?
'I almost don't recognise you out of your SKINNY JEANS,' I enunciate carefully. He's wearing grey flannel trousers and a pink T-Shirt with leather Converses. He speaks clothes exceptionally confidently for a straight man. I wonder if he'd take me shopping.
'Oh, right. Got it.'
'That's odd,' says Skinny Jeans. 'Since I was wearing nothing at all when you left my room without saying goodbye . . . let's see, seven weeks ago?'
'Um, yes. Well, you know . . .' I trail off. Come on, Robert, I think desperately.
'I'm sorry, were you planning on making me breakfast in bed?' says Robert. Yes! Make a joke!
'I'm sorry, were you planning on making me breakfast in bed?' I say.
Skinny Jeans grins.
'Scrambled eggs? Toast? On a little tray?'
'Scrambled eggs? Toast? On a little tray with a rose on it?' I say.
'Don't fuck with my script,' says Robert, which makes me grin slightly more broadly ~ Gemma Burgess
Lawyer Joke quotes by Gemma Burgess
I often think the happiest consequences seem to follow when a gentelman consults his lawyer, and takes all the law allows him. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
Lawyer Joke quotes by Robert Louis Stevenson
A law is valuable not because it is law, but because there is right in it. ~ Henry Ward Beecher
Lawyer Joke quotes by Henry Ward Beecher
He smiled at his glass. It seemed to be in on the joke. It fed daring and plausibility to the tiny flame of rebellion growing in his heart. Rahid ~ Karen Lord
Lawyer Joke quotes by Karen Lord
While I pressed the tissue to my face, Beck said, "Can I tell you something? There are a lot of empty boxes in your head, Sam."
I looked at him, quizzical. Again, it was a strange enough concept to hold my attention.
"There are a lot of empty boxes in there, and you can put things in them." Beck handed me another tissue for the other side of my face.
My trust of Beck at that point was not yet complete; I remember thinking that he was making a very bad joke that I wasn't getting. My voice sounded wary, even to me. "What kinds of things?"
"Sad things," Beck said. "Do you have a lot of sad things in your head?"
"No," I said.
Beck sucked in his lower lip and released it slowly. "Well, I do."
This was shocking. I didn't ask a question, but I tilted toward him.
"And these things would make me cry," Beck continued. "They used to make me cry all day long."
I remembered thinking this was probably a lie. I could not imagine Beck crying. He was a rock. Even then, his fingers braced against the floor, he looked poised, sure, immutable.
"You don't believe me? Ask Ulrik. He had to deal with it," Beck said. "And so you know what I did with those sad things? I put them in boxes. I put the sad things in the boxes in my head, and I closed them up and I put tape on them and I stacked them up in the corner and threw a blanket over them."
"Brain tape?" I suggested, with a little smirk. I was eight, after all.
Beck smiled, a weird private ~ Maggie Stiefvater
Lawyer Joke quotes by Maggie Stiefvater
Oh no, no, no! Are you going to suck my blood? (Amanda
Do I look like a lawyer to you? (Kyrian) ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon
Lawyer Joke quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
"I don't know whether you are a saint or a fool" said my lawyer. I replied "Is there a difference?" ~ Frank Lloyd Wright
Lawyer Joke quotes by Frank Lloyd Wright
Lying contains the same hostile elements as a practical joke in that the 'victim' ends up looking foolish in his own eyes and laughable in everyone else's. ~ Sue Grafton
Lawyer Joke quotes by Sue Grafton
If we live inside a bad joke, it is up to us to learn, at best and worst, to tell it well. ~ Jonathan Raban
Lawyer Joke quotes by Jonathan Raban
Sometimes I wonder why God ever trusts talent in the hands of women, they usually make such an infernal mess of it. I think He must do it as a sort of ghastly joke. ~ Willa Cather
Lawyer Joke quotes by Willa Cather
I have sometimes dreamt ... that when the Day of Judgment dawns and the great conquerors and lawyers and statesmen come to receive their rewards
their crowns, their laurels, their names carved indelibly upon imperishable marble
the Almighty will turn to Peter and will say, not without a certain envy when He sees us coming with our books under our arms, Look, these need no reward. We have nothing to give them here. They have loved reading. ~ Virginia Woolf
Lawyer Joke quotes by Virginia Woolf
In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke ... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society. ~ Sam Kinison
Lawyer Joke quotes by Sam Kinison
(Brin) 'How good is your lawyer, on a scale of Atticus Finch to Franklin and Bash? ~ Lisa Henry
Lawyer Joke quotes by Lisa Henry
I had a lot of bad jobs but the one big internship I had is I interned for 'SNL' when I was 21 years old and that was the joke. You intern there and you think man, I'm going to be with the writers and the great comedians. Then you're getting everybody sandwiches and then the doors close and then all the great creatives are doing the work. ~ Jake Johnson
Lawyer Joke quotes by Jake Johnson
Kaoru." "Hikaru? How long have you been there? "Kaoru, how do you feel about Haruhi?" "She's a funny little tanuki." "You don't have to lie to me. Sorry that I didn't realize it until now. I know you've been worrying about me, but you don't have to lie anymore. You like Haruhi too, don't you?" "What are you talking about, Hikaru? I don't
" "Then how about this? You know we talked about adopting Haruhi. That's the best solution. That way the three of us will always be together." "Are you completely stupid, Hikaru? Adopting Haruhi was just a joke. We're not playing house. It'd never happen. I'm so fed up with your childishness!!" "Kaoru ... " "Besides, would you be happy being a threesome forever? You really want to share Haruhi with me? That's not what I want!" "Kaoru ... ?" "I won't share her with you or milord! Especially ... If your willing to just give her up like that! I'll never step aside for you if that's the case! ~ Bisco Hatori
Lawyer Joke quotes by Bisco Hatori
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. ~ Mitch Hedberg
Lawyer Joke quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I used to have this joke: 'Every hallway is a runway.' ~ Tyra Banks
Lawyer Joke quotes by Tyra Banks
Better take her uniform -- all that gear," the second MetaCop suggests, not
unlewdly.
The manager looks at Y.T., trying not to let his gaze travel sinfully up and
down her body. For thousands of years his people have survived on alertness:
waiting for Mongols to come galloping over the horizon, waiting for repeat
offenders to swing sawed-off shotguns across their check-out counters. His
alertness right now is palpable and painful; he's like a goblet of hot
nitroglycerin. The added question of sexual misconduct makes it even worse. To
him it's no joke.
Y.T. shrugs, trying to think of something unnerving and wacky. At this point,
she is supposed to squeal and shrink, wriggle and whine, swoon and beg. They
are threatening to take her clothes. How awful. But she does not get upset
because she knows that they are expecting her to.
A Kourier has to establish space on the pavement. Predictable law-abiding
behavior lulls drivers. They mentally assign you to a little box in the lane,
assume you will stay there, can't handle it when you leave that little box.
Y.T. is not fond of boxes. Y.T. establishes her space on the pavement by
zagging mightily from lane to lane, establishing a precedent of scary
randomness. Keeps people on their toes, makes them react to her, instead of the
other way round. Now these men are trying to put her in a box, make her follow
rules.
She unzips her cover ~ Neal Stephenson
Lawyer Joke quotes by Neal Stephenson
Grow up, study, get your certificates, get married, have kids, and die. Thank you very much for attending the joke called life. They ~ Cameron Jace
Lawyer Joke quotes by Cameron Jace
He probably would've raised an eyebrow in that annoying/hot way he had, and made a dirty joke about Elodie possessing me. ~ Rachel Hawkins
Lawyer Joke quotes by Rachel Hawkins
The way to be successful is through preparation. It doesn't just happen. You don't wake up one day and discover you're a lawyer any more than you wake up as a pro football player. It takes time. ~ Alan Page
Lawyer Joke quotes by Alan Page
You can't write things like that to me - bound and gagged in a crate. (Were you serious or was it a joke?) That scares me ... you scare me ... I am completely caught up in your spell, considering a lifestyle with you that I didn't even know existed until last week, and then you write something like that and I want to run screaming into the hills. I won't, of course, because I'd miss you. Really miss you. I want us to work, but I am terrified of the depth of feeling I have for you and the dark path you're leading me down. ~ E.L. James
Lawyer Joke quotes by E.L. James
Why do adults have to diminish everything by feeling they need to end meetings with a false positive? It's so selfish. They say it not because they believe it, but because it helps them feel some kind of accomplishment when they walk away. Like they've done their job. But what do they leave behind?
It's like when teachers tell Tyler that he should be a lawyer because he's good at arguing, but meanwhile he can't pass grade nine. No one wants to say he's stupid, or that he's probably going to end up in jail like his brother, so they fill his head with these stupid dreams until he's eighteen, with no credits and totally messed up for life. I say, tell the truth, squash the dream, and stop with the second chances. ~ Lesley Anne Cowan
Lawyer Joke quotes by Lesley Anne Cowan
This is a funny story. We'd asked the guards every day for cappuccino. You know, just as a joke. And they'd come in with their cups of coffee and stuff. And so I get here and I have a spot for a cappuccino machine, and it didn't work. So I don't have any cappuccino ... I didn't miss the cappuccino, I missed the idea of cappuccino. ~ Martha Stewart
Lawyer Joke quotes by Martha Stewart
Math-thinking, I would say, encourages flipping and substituting letters in words (in the novel, one of the boys double-majors in math and myth, for example, and his twin cracks a joke about the father's handwriting that morphs "cacography" into "dadography"). ~ Mary Kay Zuravleff
Lawyer Joke quotes by Mary Kay Zuravleff
Charlotte shrugged. "In the end, greed makes the world go round," she proclaimed. "Although, revenge isn't very far behind either." She chuckled at her own joke. ~ Ada Adams
Lawyer Joke quotes by Ada Adams
It is almost a joke, but a joke that nobody tells. ~ Hilary Mantel
Lawyer Joke quotes by Hilary Mantel
Stubble or what?"
Eyes still closed he chuckled. "I'm not shaving until our parents let us date again."
He kissed my cheek.
"What if it takes ... a ... while?"
I asked struggling to talk. He'd made his way down to my neck. His tongue circled there slowly.
"There are only six or seven weeks until August football practice starts right?"
"Hm." His mouth moved up my neck toward my ear. Oh.
"Will you be able to stuff your beard into your helmet?" I croaked.
In answer he put his lips on my ear.
I forgot the next joke I'd planned to make and lost myself in Adam. ~ Jennifer Echols
Lawyer Joke quotes by Jennifer Echols
Tell the trial lawyers to get out of your state and to quit costing businessmen and women. ~ Rick Perry
Lawyer Joke quotes by Rick Perry
Your love is all that I was waiting for and now that I feel it ... oh man ... what I thought was not even quarter of what I thought it really was. ~ Gary Lawyer
Lawyer Joke quotes by Gary Lawyer
The U.S. - the idea that the U.S. has introduced and imposed principles of international law, that's hardly even a joke. The United States has even gone so far as to veto Security Council resolutions calling on all states to observe international law. That was in the 1980s under Reagan. ~ Noam Chomsky
Lawyer Joke quotes by Noam Chomsky
If youths are the majority of voters. How do we end up with jokers in government? ~ DON SANTO
Lawyer Joke quotes by DON SANTO
I hadn't endured being the butt of a joke in a long time, ~ Tijan
Lawyer Joke quotes by Tijan
Humor can bring people under the tent. And a good joke can deflect some of the intensity surrounding a serious subject. ~ Ted Danson
Lawyer Joke quotes by Ted Danson
Cal," I whisper into her sleep, "if you go, you know what? You'll break my liver." I want to pretend that it's a joke, that she will wake up and laugh with me, throwing her head back the way she did last night, bit this time the words are true ... she will break my liver, break my heart, kill everything inside alive inside me. ~ Brad Barkley
Lawyer Joke quotes by Brad Barkley
My father was a lawyer and to my best knowledge nobody in my family before had interest in science. ~ George Andrew Olah
Lawyer Joke quotes by George Andrew Olah
Dean had just come from seeing his lawyer. That was the first time that I found out that he had consulted a lawyer. He wanted to tell me what he thought was going on, but he was writing it down as if my house was bugged. He acted like everything was bugged. ~ Fred F. Fielding
Lawyer Joke quotes by Fred F. Fielding
Dad used to say lots of funny things - like he was speaking his own language sometimes. Twenty-three skidoo, salad days, nosey parker, bandbox fresh, the catbird seat, chocolate teapot, and something about Grandma sucking eggs. One of his favourites was 'safe as houses'. Teaching me to ride a bike, my mother worrying in the doorway: "Calm down, Linda, this street is as safe as houses." Convincing Jamie to sleep without his nightlight: "It's as safe as houses in here, son, not a monster for miles."
Then overnight the world turned into a hideous nightmare, and the phrase became a black joke to Jamie and me. Houses were the most dangerous places we knew.
Hiding in a patch of scrubby pines, watching a car pull out from the garage of a secluded home, deciding whether to make a food run, whether it was too dicey. "Do you think the parasites'll be long gone?" "No way - that place is as safe as houses. Let's get out of here."
And now I can sit here and watch TV like it is five years ago and Mom and Dad are in the other room and i've never spent a night hiding in a drainpipe with Jamie and a bunch of rats while bodysnatchers with spotlights search for the thieves who made off with a bag of dried beans and a bowl of cold spaghetti.
I know that if Jamie and I survived alone for twenty years we would never find this feeling on our own. The feeling of safety. More than safety, even - happiness. Safe and happy, two things I thought i'd never feel again. Jared made us ~ Stephenie Meyer
Lawyer Joke quotes by Stephenie Meyer
I have an airplane hangar with 17 cars in it. That's no joke. I have a 'half pipe' in there, too - you know, like a big ramp, where I skateboard. It's awesome. It's the ultimate fantasy. ~ Paul Walker
Lawyer Joke quotes by Paul Walker
I am God and my lawyers are my 12 disciples ... do not f**k with me! ~ Courtney Love
Lawyer Joke quotes by Courtney Love
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