Jennifer Crusie Quotes

I'll never forget my first time with you' Min said as she edged the doughnut off her finger. 'The earth moved, and then my mother asked my father who he was going down on at lunch. ~ Jennifer Crusie

He loved her all he could; but he couldn't love her very much. ~ Jennifer Crusie

She was setting out china cups in their saucers, her long pale hands almost the same color as the cream china. "How do you take yours?"
"Four creams, two sugars," Riley said, still mesmerized by her.
She stopped with a small waxed carton in her hand.
"Really?"
"He's very young," Gabe said. "I take mine black."
"He's very boring," Riley said. "Is that real cream? ~ Jennifer Crusie

You don't believe in unconditional love. Neither does Alex. So you both threw away the best thing you ever had because you didn't believe in each other or yourselves. ~ Jennifer Crusie

I'm gonna have to get my eyes checked. I can't see crap until it's right in front of me ~ Jennifer Crusie

So I know you must have a plan and this wolf - "
"Beast," Min said.
" - frog, whatever, can't fit your plan."
"He's not a frog," Min said. "I kissed him and he did not turn into a prince."He turned into a god. No,
he didn't . "Look, I'm never going to see him again, so everybody can relax. ~ Jennifer Crusie

He turned down the street to Emilio's, trying to remember what "the edge of chaos" meant. It was something about flipping a coin, something about the edge being the moment when the coin was in the air. The point at which the system was pure potential, about to choose a path. Or something about a pile of sand, adding sand a grain at a time, and the edge of chaos being the point at which the critical grain landed and the pile either shifted or turned into an avalanche...
...Min bit her lip and smiled at him ruefully, and without another thought, he walked across the room to her, feeling almost relieved as the avalanche began. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Say it," she said, and he said, "I love you. I'll always love you. Forever. It's a life sentence. Now put the damn ring on. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there's that carb fog while you're standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it's over and you feel ... used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you're mad at Dove, too. ~ Jennifer Crusie

This is a woman you've known less than twelve hours. It took you a year to pick out a couch, but you're seriously - "
"Yes," Roger said. "She's the one. ~ Jennifer Crusie

His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Be sober, be vigilant because your adversary the Devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. ~ Jennifer Crusie

So, Mr. Shane, you felt you had the right to come down here and bespoil my crime scene because ... " He raised his eyebrows, waiting for an answer. "I thought he might need assistance," Shane lied. "And the untoward angle of his neck did not tell you that he was beyond any earthly assistance you might render?" "I'm not a doctor, sir," Shane said. "Neither are you a miracle worker, son," Xavier said. "Should you find any other bodies in my jurisdiction, you will refrain from attempting to raise them from the dead. ~ Jennifer Crusie

What are we going to do with the body?" She had visions of dragging it into the swamp, whispering, "Here, gator, gator," and she made a little sound of distress at the thought. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Infatuation doesn't last because it's conditional and conditions change, but if it's real love, it turns into mature, unconditional love, and new chemicals are released in the brain, Endorphins that make you feel warm and peaceful and satisfied and content whenever you're with the one you love ... And miserable when you're without him because if he's not there, the brain won't produce chemicals. ~ Jennifer Crusie

What about the check?" Suze said.
"Pay it," he called back. "This is your party."
"I don't like him," Suze said to Margie.
Margie slid out of the booth. "Think of him as a growth experience."
"Oh, good, I've been wanting one of those," Suze said and tossed a twenty on the table. It was too much, but she was in a hurry to steal a dog. ~ Jennifer Crusie

It's a good thing he broke up with you because now you're free for when the right man finds you. Your prince is on his way."
"Right. I'm sure he was on his way but a truck hit him. ~ Jennifer Crusie

There was something about having a plan for dinner, a recipe in hand, that made her feel much less hostile about food. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Then Agnes came out the front door and down the steps with a tray of drinks, dark curls bouncing and red-rimmed glasses sliding down her nose again, wearing some kind of red dress with straps that tied on her shoulders and a skirt that whipped around her legs in the breeze, and Shane's thoughts jumped track until she led the other two women around the side of the house to the gazebo.
Agnes had damn good legs. And a great back. One pull on those ties- And she'd smiled at him, standing there in the morning sunlight. Might have been an invitation. Might not have been, too. Probably should make sure before he started untying things. ~ Jennifer Crusie

It doesn't matter," Min said. "That's what I'm trying to tell you, it doesn't matter what you do or say. I'm going to love you till the end of time."
Cal looked at her, stunned.
"I know," Min said. "It's really un-PC. I just thought you should know that you can't screw this up."
"I can't?" Cal said, wanting to believe her.
"No," Min said. "Which doesn't mean I'm not going to tell if you make me mad again. I will shout and slam doors. I just won't be on the other side of the door when I slam it. You've got me for life."
He lost his breath and put his forehead against her shoulder. "God, I love you. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Everything will be fine. Nothing but good times ahead. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Comedy is hard. In many ways, it's like singing: If you have perfect pitch, it's much easier. But you can still go a long way toward mastering the rudiments if you must trust your voice. Most of the mistakes I've seen people make in trying to write funny is that they don't trust their own senses of humor. They don't think they're funny, and they set out to write funny the way they've read other people being funny with a grim determination that pretty much precludes any chance that anybody is going to have fun. Relax, listen to your characters, exploit their fears and flaws, and mine their situations for places in which they can use their own brands of humor. ~ Jennifer Crusie

He hung up and smiled at Cal. "That was Min. She wants chicken marsala. You can deliver it to her."

"What?" Cal said, dumbfounded.

"You know the way. It's probably on your way home."

"It's not on my way home, it's not on anybody's way home except God's, the damn place is vertical. What gave you the idea I'd do this? ~ Jennifer Crusie

[ ... ] And those women with the camera looked loose.
Excellent, Phin thought. At last, some good news. ~ Jennifer Crusie

No more pep talks about believing in toads," Liza said.
"Don't they turn into princeses when you kiss them?" Bonnie said.
"Thats frogs," Liza Said. "Entirely different species. ~ Jennifer Crusie

If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Gwen Goodnight ~ Jennifer Crusie

But those misgivings come less from the resulting loss of familial memories than because it gave Lorelai the working-class skills to escape inherited class obligations and to make her own way in the world. That's one reason why Lorelai is powerful and fearless in ways Mrs. Kim and Mrs. Gilmore are not. She's self-confident enough to accept those things she can't control and to rely upon the kindness of strangers. ~ Jennifer Crusie

I don't want to be alone anymore, but I don't want to go out and cold-bloodedly look for a man, either." - Kate Svenson ~ Jennifer Crusie

Once you know the truth, it's always obvious ~ Jennifer Crusie

I could shove this swizzle stick through his heart, Min thought. She would'nt do it, of course. The stick was plastic and not nearly pointed enough on the end. ~ Jennifer Crusie

You could forgive a lot if somebody was there to take care of things until you grew up. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Well, you won't unless you come to lunch with me," Cal said. "I'm holding it for ransom. There's a gun
to its heel right now."
"I have lunch at my desk," Min began, and thought,Oh, for crying out loud, could I beany more
pathetic ?
"Emilio is experimenting with a lunch menu. He needs you. I need you. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Well, I know better what I don't want. I don't want somebody who's always nagging me to be something I'm not. And I don't want somebody who thinks she knows what's best for me and who maneuvers around trying to get me to do things her way."

Kate frowned. "Nobody wants anyone like that. It's like saying, 'I don't want someone who'll poke me in the eye with a sharp stick.' Forget what you don't want. What do you want? ~ Jennifer Crusie

Christ, I'm in a Doris Day movie ~ Jennifer Crusie

Life is more than great sex and a nice car."
"Well, yeah. But not a lot more. ~ Jennifer Crusie

One of the biggest problems this country has is that people think a law is a law only if they agree with it. And if they don't, it's all right to kick guys like Joe out of the service and bomb abortion clinics because there's a higher law at work. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Okay, Shane," Agnes said as Brenda's clock gonged midnight. "I got Joey in the kitchen, a cop in the front hall, a dead body in the basement, and you in my bedroom. Where do you want to start? ~ Jennifer Crusie

What i'm trying to tell you," Min said, "is that im going to grow up to be one of those chubby old ladies. It's in my genes. Like self raising flour. i'm going to pouf."
"thats going to work out well for me," Cal said. "because i'm going to grow up to be one of those horny old men who chases chubby old ladies around the couch. ~ Jennifer Crusie

I'm talkin' about you. Stop pretending you're normal. You're insane. Make that work for you. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Sophie held the [hand]cuffs higher, hopint to instill some sense of shame, if not in him, then at least in herself. One look at him and she wanted him again. "I found them in the bed."
"That makes sense," Phin said. "That's where I lost them."
"I'd ask what you were doing with them," Sophie said, trying not to sound bitchy, "but I probably don't want to know, do I?"
"Sure you do. It was exciting and different and depraved." Phin nodded toward the stairs. "Go put them someplace we can find them, and I'll show you later. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Drink to me! I just realized that I've slept with everyone at this table! ~Nell ~ Jennifer Crusie

- Teach me something new, she said, and he bent her back onto the bed and she shivered as his body slid against hers.
- Okay, Phin said. But pay attention, Julie Ann, there'll be a quiz. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Sometimes stories are just previews of coming truths. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Nothing but good times ahead. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Your cat just got cat hair on me." "It's only fair," Min said. "Your suit just got expensive suit lint on him. ~ Jennifer Crusie

[ ... ] I have a date this afternoon."
"Oh, Lord." Jake closed his eyes. "Who are you going to destroy now?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"The hotel would appreciate it if you'd just throw back the men you don't like without maiming them."
"I haven't maimed anyone."
"You almost drowned Lance, you scared Peter into heart palpitations, you stabbed Donald with a fork, and you hit Brad over the head with a bottle." Jake shook his head. "And they still ask you out. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Tomorrow we go back to normal?"
"Sure," Mab said. "It'll be like none of this happened. Except I'll still be pregnant, and you'll still be making dragons, and Glenda will still be pretending that Dreamland is Cancun, and Weaver will still own the only green velvet demon in captivity. Other than that, perfectly normal."
"I just meant no demons trying to kill us," Cindy said. "My baseline for normal is a lot lower than yours. ~ Jennifer Crusie

I'm a feminist," Quinn said. "We get irrational urges. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Nobody in my life has ever known me the way you do. Nobody in my life has ever made me feel as good as you do. You know me, you know everything about me, and when you leave me, you're going to be leaving the real me, the me nobody else has ever seen, that's who you're going to be rejecting. ~ Jennifer Crusie

I like my afterglow with you in motion. I measure time by how your body sways. ~ Jennifer Crusie

No carbs" her mother called after her as she went into the dressing room "And no butter"
"I know you stole me from my real parents" Min called back. "They'd let me eat butter ~ Jennifer Crusie

Kate picked up her coffee cup, frowning when she saw it was empty. "Did you drink my coffee?"
"Yes. I was feeling aggressive. ~ Jennifer Crusie

The reason you can't lose weight is that you're not supposed to lose weight, you're not built that way, and if you did manage through some stupid diet to take the weight off, you'd be like that chicken mess you just made. Some things are supposed to be made with butter. You're one of them. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Allie put her chin on his shoulder to look into the carton. He had great shoulders and Chinese food. At the moment, he was the perfect man. ~ Jennifer Crusie

You have to open up to the world and learn optimism ... Contentment with the past, happiness with the present, and hope for the future. Learned optimisim. ~ Jennifer Crusie

And why do you want to be near me?
Because you're all I can think about, day and night. I don't know what the hell is going on with us; I only know I can't get rid of it. I don't care if you're batshit insane and think you're the reincarnation of Cleopatra. I hear voices; you hear dogs. We'll work it out. Maybe get a discount on therapy. ~ Jennifer Crusie

So I've been sexy all these years? Why hasn't anybody noticed?" "Because you dress like you hate your body," Cal said. "Sexy is in your head and you don't feel sexy so you don't look it. ~ Jennifer Crusie

A lot of really big trees had died to make that desk. His mother had probably gnawed them down, used her nails to saw the boards, and finished the decorative cutwork with her tongue. ~ Jennifer Crusie

I believe things will work out for us if we just believe in ourselves. ~ Jennifer Crusie

The therapist, he thought, and it bothered him a lot more than it should have. After all, he had nothing permanent with Sophie. He just needed to touch her on a semiregular basis or he couldn't finish his sentences. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Really, The smart thing to do was to stop dating and get a cat. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Wonder of wonders, the box had Elvis. Immediately the bar seemed a better place. She fed in coins and then punched the keys for "Hound Dog." Too bad Elvis had never recorded one called "Dickhead. ~ Jennifer Crusie

If you can't be a good example, then be a terrible warning. ~ Jennifer Crusie

There wasn't enough gratitude in the world for a server who kept drinks coming at a time like this. ~ Jennifer Crusie

The last time I saw a brow that low I was watching slides in anthropology class ~ Jennifer Crusie

You know, I'm not even sure how we ended up living together."
"I am," Jake said, turning back to the lake. "Sex. It's a powerful force, my boy, and women use it."
"Is that why you gave them up?" Will asked, sympathetically. "Did paranoia drive you to celibacy? ~ Jennifer Crusie

Anthony watched him, dumbfounded, and then turned to Lucy. "What have you done with Zack's brain?"
Lucy stood to follow Zack. "What brain? I don't think he has one. I think he's just one giant exposed nerve ending. I swear sometimes at night, I can hear his neurons snapping like popcorn. ~ Jennifer Crusie

The measuring and mixing always smoothed out her thinking processes - nothing was as calming as creaming butter - and when the kitchen was warm from the oven overheating and the smell of baking chocolate, she took final stock of where she'd been and where she was going. Everything was fine. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Stephen Sondheim said : If you know where you're going, you've gone. Move on. ~ Jennifer Crusie

People should be more careful about what they read to their kids," Park said. "Some of this stuff sounds dangerous. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Have you talked to North?" he said.
"Yes," she said. "I asked him to get us cable."
"I wish you weren't talking to him."
"I'd talk to Satan to get cable," Andie said. ~ Jennifer Crusie

On the very outside chance that we might play again, you should know that pool is the closest thing I have to a religion. Don't ever throw a game with me again. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Say, 'Thank you, Phin.' "
"Oh, please."
"Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. "
"I don't think so."
"Say, 'You are a great lover, Phin.' "
"I'm out of here. ~ Jennifer Crusie

In the bad old days, men kept women from choosing to work. In the bad new days, women keep women from choosing to stay home. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Phin spared a moment of sympathy for Frank until he looked back and saw him at the bar, leaning into Clea's cleavage. Get a grip, Frank, he thought, and then he looked down Sophie's dress and thought, Never mind, Frank. ~ Jennifer Crusie

•The key to fighting is never to fight unless the cause is so great that you couldn't bear not to defend it and the losses you are going to suffer are things that you could afford to lose. If you do fight, the thing to remember is that it is going to hurt because that is what happens in a fight and you might as well reconcile yourself to it in the beginning and then it will not matter when it happens ~ Jennifer Crusie

You're not by any chance my stepmother are you?" Min said to her mother's reflection. "Because that would explain so much. ~ Jennifer Crusie

You've lived in America for twenty years. Eat badly, damn it. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Jake ignored him and went on. "If I ever do hook up with anybody again - and I sincerely doubt that I will, so wipe that hopeful look off your face - it will be with someone who thinks that being with somebody who mows lawns is her idea of heaven on earth and who will do exactly what I tell her to do and love it."
"I think Donna Reed is dead," Will said. ~ Jennifer Crusie

I'm stuck in the old me, and I don't know how to get out. I just know the old me isn't the real me anymore. ~ Jennifer Crusie

But I'm not calm. It's all a lie." Quinn held Katie closer, breathing faster. "It's just that when everybody else is screaming, somebody has to be mature and unemotional, so I have these brain-dead moments where I don't react the way any sane human being would. I stay completely calm and ignore my feelings and compromise and make everything work again. And I'm not going to do that anymore. From now on, I'm going to be Zoe. Screw calm. Somebody else is going to have to do mature because I'm going to be selfish and get what I want. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Lee stood in front of the class the first day and said, "Anybody who makes fun of romance fiction is making fun of Jane Austen, and anybody who makes fun of Jane Austen answers to me." Why yes, I would walk across broken glass for that man. Why do you ask? ~ Jennifer Crusie

I adored you," North said. "I just didn't tell you. You were the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. Nothing else like you in my world before or since. I was crazy about you. I still am. Ten years later you walk into my office and I see you and it's like the first time, I can't think, I can't talk, I just need you with me. It makes me crazy, but now that I've got you back ... You're everything, Andie. I should have told you that before. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Hello. I like you naked. Never wear clothes again. ~ Jennifer Crusie

This is making me crazy. I hate relying on other people to save me, I hate being clingy, I hate it, and every time you show up, I lean on you. - Matilda Scarlet Veronica Betty Vilma Goodnight ~ Jennifer Crusie

she was just…beaming at me, and I thought she'd won the lottery or something, her smile was that big. I asked what happened, and she said…" Park swallowed again. "She said, 'You're here."' He blinked at Tess. "'You're here.' That's all it was. That big goofy smile just because I was there. Nobody ever smiled like that at me before. ~ Jennifer Crusie

She pushed him onto the couch and straddled him ...
Min swallowed "the thing is, im going to spread. Hips, thighs-"
"Not till nine-thirty," Cal said trying not to picture her.
"-waist," Min said then stopped. "What? nine-thirty? Not till my forties, probably, i think i can fight it off that long, but then-"
"What?" Cal said.
"Im going to get fat," Min said, and he blinked. "Er. Im going to get fatter." she frowned at him. "what did you think i meant?"
"for future reference," he said starting to laugh. "if you're sitting half naked on my lap and you tell me you're going to spread-"
"No! I would never say that!" she said. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Don't even think about it."
"Well, when can I walk by myself?"
"When you get your driver's license."
"You always, always say that." Dillie scowled at him. "That's when everything happens."
"It's going to be a busy day," Phin agreed. ~ Jennifer Crusie

We're going to need a bigger dock ~ Jennifer Crusie

Emilio appeared with wine before Cal could say anything, and Min beamed at him, grateful for the rescue. "Emilio, my darling. I forgot to mention cake boxes. Two hundred cake boxes."
"Already on it," Emilio said. "Nonna said you'd need them. She said to get four-inch-square boxes for three-inch-square cakes."
"I'm getting the boxes," Min said, nodding. "Sure. Great. Fine. Your grandmother is an angel and you are my hero. And of course, a genius with food."
"And you are my favorite customer." Emilio kissed her cheek and disappeared back into the kitchen.
"I love him," she told Cal.
"I noticed," Cal said. "Been seeing him behind my back, have you?"
"Yes," Min said. "We've been having conversations about cake."
"Whoa," Cal said. "For you, that's talking dirty. ~ Jennifer Crusie

It's just that you don't respect me enough to respect what I want. I have to want what you want or it doesn't count or its's no good. Well, I don't want what you want. And I don't see why I have to. I mean, as long as I respect what you want and let you live your life, why do you care? ~ Jennifer Crusie

Trying to seduce Alec at all was a waste of time; he came preseduced anyway. Like a microwave entrée. You pressed his buttons, and he got hot. ~ Jennifer Crusie

The thing about love is, you don't get to choose," Suze said.

"You just wake up one day and there it is, sitting at the foot of the bed, going 'nyah, nyah, gotcha,' and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. ~ Jennifer Crusie

When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work. ~ Jennifer Crusie

If you haven't failed, you're not trying hard enough. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Gabe turned his head to look up at her. The moon came through the skylight and backlit Chloe's short blonde curls, making her look angelically lovely. Too bad she was insane. ~ Jennifer Crusie

If you're going to have an asthma attack in the surf, I strongly recommend you do so in Nantucket. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Mason was leaving her for a fifty-four-year-old woman who didn't moisturize ~ Jennifer Crusie

He leaned on the bar. "I'm Tony. And you owe me."
Okay, here we go, Liza thought, and leaned on the bar, too, mirroring him. "I owe you?"
"Yes." He grinned at her. "Because of chaos theory."
Liza shook her head. "Chaos theory."
He moved closer to her. "Chaos theory says that complex dynamical systems become unstable because of disturbances in their environments after which a strange attractor draws the trajectory of the stress."
Liza looked at him, incredulous. "This is your line?"
"I am a complex dynamical system," Tony said.
"Not that complex," Liza said.
"And I was stable until you caused a disturbance in my environment."
"Not that stable," Liza said.
Tony grinned. "And since you're the strangest attractor in the room, I followed the trajectory of my stress right to you."
"That's not what you followed to me." Liza turned so that her back was against the bar, her shoulder blocking him. "Give me something better than that, or I'll find somebody else to amuse myself with."
From the corner of her eye, she saw the other guy, the vacant-looking blond, lean down to Bonnie. "Is she always like this?" he said to Bonnie, and Liza turned to size him up. Big. Husky. Boring.
"Well, your friend isn't exactly Prince Charming," Bonnie said, giving him her best fluttery smile.
He beamed back down at her. "Neither am I. Is that okay?"
Oh, come on, Liza thought, and caught Tony-the-bullethead's eye.
Jennifer Crusie

The problem wasn't that Stephen was a fathead and Virginia was a gossip. It was that Stephen was a driven fathead with a large conservative following and Virginia talked to everyone. ~ Jennifer Crusie