Jeff Dunham Quotes

Achmed: Two Jews walk into a bar...
Jeff: No no no no no
Achmed: You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard. ~ Jeff Dunham

We just got a tour bus. I didn't know tour buses could be this nice. It's just me, Brian Haner the guitar guy, the tour manager and a writer. We laugh ourselves silly. Apparently we're going to have a road dog, a miniature pincher. It's the smallest they've ever seen. How masculine am I going to look, working with dolls and a miniature dog? ~ Jeff Dunham

My mother and my father have always supported me. Now in their eighties, they actually clamor onto the tour bus with me once or twice a year so they can watch the performances and hear the crowds. Traveling with eighty-something-year-olds on a tour bus ... there has to be some sort of reality show in that. ~ Jeff Dunham

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny. ~ Jeff Dunham

Jeff: The drive from the valley?
Peanut: Was bad as hell!
Jeff: Traffic?
Peanut: Sucked like hell!
Jeff: Drivers?
Peanut: Angry as hell!
Jeff: And you?
Peanut: Were scared as hell!
Jeff: Parking?
Peanut: Sucked more like hell!
Jeff: So?
Peanut: We're in hell! ~ Jeff Dunham

I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it's very difficult to be funny. I think what happens is that people get a dummy, they learn the technique of ventriloquism, they memorize the script, they think they're in show business. ~ Jeff Dunham

Growing up, I thought it would be great if I could do big theaters. Now we're doing arenas. ~ Jeff Dunham

So Achmed if you've been in my suitcase this entire time how have you been getting through security? Oh thats easy they open the suitcase and i say 'ello my name is lindey lohan! ~ Jeff Dunham

[In my bio] is no drunk driving, there's no DUI's, there's no possession of cocaine, none of that stuff so you know, I don't know if that's good or bad. Everybody loves dirty laundry. ~ Jeff Dunham

I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense. ~ Jeff Dunham

A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things. ~ Jeff Dunham

Jeff: You know, you don't have to do this.
Walter: Yeah, I could get a real job.
Jeff: What would you do?
Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart.
Walter: What the hell's so funny?
Jeff: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?
Walter: Oh.
Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get out!
Walter: Have a nice day! ~ Jeff Dunham

I'm a pretty good ventriloquist, but it's the entertainment value and the laughs that keep people sitting there and wanting more. ~ Jeff Dunham

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock, knock.
Jeff Dunham: Who's there?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you! ~ Jeff Dunham

I taught myself computer. Then Macintosh came along, and it became a really bad addiction. If I wasn't in show business, I'd have pocket protectors growing out of my chest. I do everything on it. It's kinda sick. ~ Jeff Dunham

Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today?
Peanut: Yes we had a great day!
Jose: No we did not.
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No we did not have a good day.
Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day!
What?
Jeff: Did you have a good day?
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Shut up
Jeff: A good day?
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Shut up
Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa.
Peanut: I took him to the spa!
Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer.
Peanut: It's the same thing!!! ~ Jeff Dunham

In 1980, when I graduated from high school, my goal was to be on 'The Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson at least once before our ten-year class reunion. Our class reunion was in June of 1990, and I was on 'The Tonight Show' in April 1990, so I made it by a few months. ~ Jeff Dunham

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Jeff Dunham

PENUT:and when you really think about its jef-f-f Dunham
JEFF: F-F
PENUT:your using an unneeded F
Jef-f-f Dun- Ham. com!!!!!
Am i pissing you of-f-f????? Jef-f-f Dun Ham.com
PENUT: you know the wierd thing is i am actually pissing him off!!!and he would like to kill me
JEFF:no i wouldn't
PENUT:yes
JEFF:no
PENUT:assert you fellings Jef-f-f ~ Jeff Dunham

The roadwork is just rehearsal for that DVD you're going to film a year later. ~ Jeff Dunham

Peanut: Come here puppet boy... make your daddy talk! ~ Jeff Dunham

Family time was very difficult when my girls were little, but I never missed a birthday; I was there for every major event. ~ Jeff Dunham

Everybody has their favorite character.That's the only way I pick, whatever is going on in society, whatever I think folks will laugh at that's what I come up with. ~ Jeff Dunham

You're the other white meat! ~ Jeff Dunham

But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a normal speaking voice can learn ventriloquism. ~ Jeff Dunham

WHAT! WE CANT TALK AT THE SAME TIME! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, WE CAN'T DO IT! Peanut. WHAT! You said my name wrong. No it's Jeff Dun-ham. No it's dunham, No dun-ham. No dunha. No you see it says dunham jeff dun-HAM. Actually if you look at it, it say jef f dunham .com ~ Jeff Dunham

I'm a Macintosh nut. I got my PowerBook, so if I'm not writing jokes, I'm working on that. ~ Jeff Dunham

I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer. ~ Jeff Dunham

That afternoon I ordered an information packet. ~ Jeff Dunham

I've tried the female thing. I was in a movie called Dinner for Schmucks a couple of years ago with Steve Carell and I created a female character for that movie. And after a few months of trying her out on the road it just didn't work. I mean, I can think like a terrorist, I can think like a white trash guy, I can even try and think like an African American, but I can't figure out how a woman. ~ Jeff Dunham

I'm not trying to teach anybody anything, I'm not trying to say anything, I have no political motive whatsoever. My motive is just the big laugh. ~ Jeff Dunham

Math? Forget about it. If I add four plus eight plus six, I have to count on my fingers. I guess I'm hooked up differently. ~ Jeff Dunham

Achmed 'Two Jews walk into a bar'
No no no no no' Jeff
You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard' Achmed"
-Achmed the dead terrorist and Jeff ~ Jeff Dunham

I think there's a lot of, unfortunately, unfunny ventriloquists out there, so they've got a bad rap. It came after Edgar Bergen because everybody had a little cheeky boy dummy like Charlie McCarthy, and everybody decided to become a ventriloquist because Bergen had popularized it. He brought it back from the doldrums of vaudeville. ~ Jeff Dunham

The kids who come backstage that have cancer or whatever, make them laugh and smile for a little while, what's the problem with that? There isn't any. ~ Jeff Dunham

I hate the beach - I'm a mountain guy. I'd much rather face a bear than a shark. ~ Jeff Dunham

Jeff: There's a lot of history in this city...
Peanut: Translated: Old. As. Shit. ~ Jeff Dunham

When I was in third grade I taught myself ventriloquism ... What's hard is to learn to be an entertainer and make people laugh. I was a few years out of college before I felt I had enough material. Then in 1988 I moved to L.A. and started to do some shows at comedy clubs. ~ Jeff Dunham

When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show. ~ Jeff Dunham

Shut up or i'll kill you by Achmed the dead tarries. ~ Jeff Dunham

Silence! I kill you! ~ Jeff Dunham

I'm a geek to the bone. ~ Jeff Dunham

Jeff-did you guys have a good day?
Jose-no
Jeff-why
Jose-he got my stick jammed in the car door
Jeff-what?did you say sorry
Jose- no
Jeff- why didn't you say sorry
Jose- cause he couldn't breath
Jeff-why couldn't he breath
Jose- cause he was laughing to hard ~ Jeff Dunham

Peanut: Just last week I was lying in bed and I woke up sobbing 'I will never be happy until we return to SA-NA-TA-ANA!' And now we're here! Thank you for bringing me! ~ Jeff Dunham

I don't aim it at anybody specific, I don't aim my characters to make old people laugh or young people or professionals or blue collar, just whatever I think is going to be funny and it just so happens that. ~ Jeff Dunham

Oh, so how did the marrige counsling go?


Well let's just say after it was over there where two people who thought I was an ass. And i was paying both of 'um. ~ Jeff Dunham

All through college, I was searching for characters that would make me unique and set me apart from the typical ventriloquist with the typical dummy that was the little boy, cheeky hard figure like Charlie McCarthy. ~ Jeff Dunham

I don't think I am very easy to work for because everything has to be just right or we don't put it out. But at the same time, all the people that work for me have a "no asshole" rule, if you're a jerk you're fired, so it's a great team and a lot of skillful people at the top of the game, anybody from management to the agents to the publicists to the day-to-day website stuff and it's just a great team. ~ Jeff Dunham

My parents never discouraged me. There were a couple times when my dad criticized a couple things that I did, but it was nothing. So through the bad shows, I never wanted to quit. ~ Jeff Dunham

It's strange because even in the vaudeville days, ventriloquists were never the main attraction. They were the guys brought out to stand in front of the curtain while sets were being changed. Ventriloquism wasn't even celebrated as an art until Edgar Bergen came along in the 1930s. ~ Jeff Dunham

Every character I've had in my act - none of them have a similar creation story. I actually thought up Peanut and designed him in my head. I described him to a woman that was making soft puppets and she drew up some sketches. And the character came to be just because he popped into my head. ~ Jeff Dunham

I would pay to watch Ginobili play. ~ Jeff Van Gundy

surely you're enough of an armchair philosopher to realize that everything is a reconstruction of something else? Reality is a desperate and evasive creature. ~ Jeff VanderMeer

I believe teenagers are God's revenge on mankind. It's like He said, 'Hey let's see how they like it to create something in their own image that denies their existence.' ~ Jeff Allen

Deep Blue didn't win by being smarter than a human; it won by being millions of times faster than a human. Deep Blue had no intuition. An expert human player looks at a board position and immediately sees what areas of play are most likely to be fruitful or dangerous, whereas a computer has no innate sense of what is important and must explore many more options. Deep Blue also had no sense of the history of the game, and didn't know anything about its opponent. It played chess yet didn't understand chess, in the same way a calculator performs arithmetic bud doesn't understand mathematics. ~ Jeff Hawkins

And I decided then that I will never be jealous. I will never be vengeful. I won't be threatened by the old, or by the new. I'll open wide like a daisy every morning. I will make my work. ~ Lena Dunham

SIMONE
"It comes up inside me and it won't go away. It comes up, like a slow geyser of thick chemicals, and spreads through me. It makes me want something. I want it so much but I don't know what it is. It comes up from the bottom like a small seed, just floating there, and it bleeds around inside, looking for me."

The empty loading dock corridor. Empty trailers. Her shoes on broken glass. Ice cubes. Her hands.

SIMONE
"And it makes me so sad that I will never figure out what it is, just enough to let it be, all by itself. And because I want it, it won't go away. It needs me to need it. And want me back. I can feel it moving. I can hear it and I can see it. I can almost touch it, and it is some kind of life. It is beautiful and warm and gentle and it is your friend. And then it turns, when you try to put it away, or when you can't carry it anymore, and it isn't allowed. ~ Jeff Wood

I'm very sorry for the inconvenience.
And he shot the concierge once between astonished eyes. ~ Jeff Abbott

I like many different kinds of music. My favourite band is Radiohead, and I'm also a giant Jeff Buckley fan. ~ Christopher Masterson

Try everything; listen to everyone. Follow no one. You are your own story guru! ~ Jeff Lyons

Good writers practice. They take time to write, crafting and editing a piece until it's just right. They spend hours and days just revising. Good writers take criticism on the chin and say "thank you" to helpful feedback; they listen to both the external and internal voices that drive them. And they use it all to make their writing better. They're resigned to the fact that first drafts suck and that the true mark of a champion is a commitment to the craft. It's not about writing in spurts of inspiration. It's about doing the work, day-in and day-out. Good writers push through because they believe in what they're doing. They understand this is more than a profession or hobby. It's a calling, a vocation. ~ Jeff Goins

The largest untapped constituency in American politics are the 300 million American citizens who have been completely left out of the immigration debate. ~ Jeff Sessions

In the original 'Guild Wars,' one of the big conflicts was the humans versus the charr. The humans and charr are both playable races in 'Guild Wars 2,' and they are on the same side, more or less. They don't hate each other. ~ Jeff Grubb

Is it in our national interest to overheat the planet? That's the question Obama faces in deciding whether to approve Keystone XL, a 2,000-mile-long pipeline that will bring 500,000 barrels of tar-sand oil from Canada to oil refineries on the Gulf of Mexico. ~ Jeff Goodell

My car is right over here," Kraunauer said, steering me toward a modest-looking gray sedan with a stylized letter "B" on each hubcap. And in spite of that, it wasn't until I opened the door and saw the walnut-lined instrument panel and soft glove-leather seats that I realized the "B" stood for "Bentley." I slid onto the sweet-smelling seat and tried not to soil it by sweating or thinking impure thoughts. ~ Jeff Lindsay

I think people understand things different when they get older. It's not a question of getting soft, or seeing things in the gray areas instead of black and white. I really believe I'm just understanding things different. Better. ~ Jeff Lindsay

It 2001 when we started. But prior to that, I had made this website called sundancepics.com, where me and this other photographer, Randall Michelson, could sell our images from Sundance online and it was successful. Steve Granitz, who's my main partner at WireImage, we were already working together, and I was like, "Look dude, this is it. We can do this." ~ Jeff Vespa

There's so much stuff that has yet to be invented. There's so much new that's going to happen. People don't have any idea yet how impactful the internet is going to be and that this is still Day 1 in such a big way. ~ Jeff Bezos

In reality, Republicans have long been at war with clean energy. They have ridiculed investments in solar and wind power, bashed energy-efficiency standards, attacked state moves to promote renewable energy and championed laws that would enshrine taxpayer subsidies for fossil fuels while stripping them from wind and solar. ~ Jeff Goodell

My image lends itself a little bit more to the modern fan, sometimes more toward the kids, and I guess more toward the wine drinkers ... I mean, I have my own wine, and fans love to pull for people they relate to. ~ Jeff Gordon

Girls are trained to say, 'I wrote this, but it's probably really stupid.' Well, no, you wouldn't write a novel if you thought it was really stupid. Men are much more comfortable going, 'I wrote this book because I have a unique perspective that the world needs to hear.' Girls are taught from the age of seven that if you get a compliment, you don't go, 'Thank you', you go, 'No, you're insane. ~ Lena Dunham

I never - when I go into a project, I don't think too much about if there's a lot of other sci-fi books out there or horror books or whatever. I just tell the stories I want to tell, and I think that is evident on the page. ~ Jeff Lemire

He's a man who measures words as if he had only a few given to him by Fate; too generous a syllable from his lips, and he might fall over dead. ~ Jeff VanderMeer

You know, this isn't theatre like it used to be. ~ Katherine Dunham

I had almost slid back into a more alert version of the contented state I'd been in when I woke up, when Rita jolted me out of my reverie. "Finish up, everybody," she said happily. "We have an awful lot to do today." It seemed like an ominous pronouncement. A lot to do? Like what? I tried to recall whether I had seen a lengthy list of tasks to perform - tasks so urgent that they could invade and conquer a Saturday I had hoped to dedicate to loafing. Nothing came to mind, and no list appeared. Rita was clearly so focused on whatever the jobs might be that she assumed we could all get our instructions from her telepathically. Perhaps my psychic antenna had blown down, but I had no idea at all what I was supposed to prepare for, and it seemed a little bit churlish to ask. ~ Jeff Lindsay

I'm a big fan of all-you-can-eat plans, because they're simpler for customers. ~ Jeff Bezos

And sadly, fairytale kingdoms work poorly. It's not just that they're fairytales and thus not terribly real; we've seen stranger and more mythical attempts at leadership in our time. The problem is that Fairytales attract Good Faeries, and thus Bad Faeries; Evil Queens; Huntsmen, and, of course, The Grand Vizier. And all of those tend to lead to ruination. ~ Jeff Mach

But many of us fail to recognize that the best moments are the ones happening right now. ~ Jeff Goins

Subsidies are hugely important; they represent America's de facto energy policy. ~ Jeff Goodell

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

He had a natural curiosity about the stories of those around him paired with a brain that was quick to draw insights from within each of these stories. ~ Jeff Hobbs