Jarod Kintz Quotes

My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom - that I was going to have to acquire it from other people. So without teaching me, he taught me how to learn from others. ~ Jarod Kintz

I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I'll go with the coffee. ~ Jarod Kintz

I drive a car that's covered in fur, because before the automobile, there was the horse. ~ Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to tell you I love you. You know I do. And I'm not just saying that because I'm shivering. ~ Jarod Kintz

His last name was Worthless. Or was that just the perfect word to describe him? Shouldn't our names summarize who we are? If so, I want to be called Al Auttalovetogive. ~ Jarod Kintz

It is possible to be a retard and a politician. In fact, it's almost a prerequisite. ~ Jarod Kintz

A brick represents a single unit, weak and useless alone, but useful and powerful when organized and grouped with other bricks. So it is with man. ~ Jarod Kintz

Of course, if I had misbehaved that day, my dinner was a salad made entirely out of iceberg lettuce, with water on top instead of dressing. It was like cabbage soup without the dignity. ~ Jarod Kintz

If a cold breeze signifies a ghost, then the arctic must be really haunted. I'm going there next week, because I've got to look everywhere when searching for the love of my life. ~ Jarod Kintz

I used to be a bumper sticker kind of writer. Now I'm more developed, and my writing often takes up whole bumpers. ~ Jarod Kintz

I'm beside myself with excitement over my new clone standing next to me. ~ Jarod Kintz

This leather chair belongs to me. I would let you sit in it, but you can't sit in an idea. ~ Jarod Kintz

A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment. ~ Jarod Kintz

In hospitality, people vacation where you live. And so when I stay home from work it's like a double vacation. ~ Jarod Kintz

When I was young, I was 13 going on 31. Then when I was 30 going on 31, I was 30 going on 29. Now I'm in love and I've lost all sense of time - and all the rest of my sense. ~ Jarod Kintz

The Bronze Age was such a third-place era. ~ Jarod Kintz

It's super cloudy right now but I think I can see the northern lights from my room. Another observation: Every light is a strobe light, if you just blink fast enough, and drink enough vodka.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz ~ Karen Quan

A blanket can be wrapped around one's head and used as a helmet. It's particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I'll have a brick stuffed at the bottom of my pillowcase. ~ Jarod Kintz

Love is like a buffalo with butterfly wings, and I'm just the humble man in the jetpack trying to shoot it down with a bow and arrow. ~ Jarod Kintz

You'll know the economy is dead when industry stops and escalators turn into stairs. That'll be the day slinkies take over the world. ~ Jarod Kintz

I thought he was a quiet guy. Then I found out he is a mute, and then I knew he was a quiet guy. ~ Jarod Kintz

I knew it, but I knew you didn't know I knew it, so I knew to not let you know I knew it by acting like I didn't know it. ~ Jarod Kintz

What is man's shared IQ? And more important, how thick should my body armor be to protect myself against it? ~ Jarod Kintz

18 rules for not getting caught. 1-17: don't tell anybody. #18: not even your clone. ~ Jarod Kintz

When Jarod Kintz gets married, I want to wear his grandpa to the ceremony, telling everyone we're Siamese twins from the future-past. Meow. ~ Will Advise

I can make love for hours, give or take 117 minutes. ~ Jarod Kintz

In high school, I was convinced I had super powers. Well, just one really. I was sure I had the gift of invisibility. But nobody saw how super I was, because nobody saw me. ~ Jarod Kintz

Walking along the sidewalk and staring at the street, I couldn't help but wonder if my date was thinking how provocative the term "manhole cover" is. ~ Jarod Kintz

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin. ~ Jarod Kintz

Behind the door lies the question: Have you ever heard of a thing called knocking? ~ Jarod Kintz

He told me he had a wife and daughter, and then he showed me a picture of an 8-year-old girl, to which I said, "Don't you think she's a bit too young to be a wife and mother?" Fucking pedophiles. ~ Jarod Kintz

If your name is Alex Andrew Aaron, and you are a straight-A student, is it because your initials are AAA, because your first middle, and last names are all first names, or because a business named after your initials offers 24-hour roadside assistance? Most likely the answer is none of the above, and in all likelihood you are a cheat and a fraud. Your last name couldn't possibly be Aaron, because I don't believe you have a last name. And not only do you not have a last name, but I seriously doubt whether you even exist. ~ Jarod Kintz

Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed! ~ Jarod Kintz

I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It's also so quiet that you won't hear it. ~ Jarod Kintz

I want to start a company called "We Do." My tagline will be: We at We Do do what we do so you don't have to. ~ Jarod Kintz

What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I'm describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let's just say that if I were running for political office, I know who I'd vote for - twice. ~ Jarod Kintz

I love running. I'm not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate. ~ Jarod Kintz

There's an old saying in swimming - "Don't drown." At least there should be. I may have just Michael Phelpsed myself, but it's all gold. ~ Jarod Kintz

My body looks the same, but I gained 20 pounds. The difference is that right now I have an erection, and before I didn't. ~ Jarod Kintz

The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women. ~ Jarod Kintz

When I feel sad, I try to think of someone else in the world who is suffering worse than me. Like someone in Seattle, who is hurting so bad financially that instead of a vente coffee at Starbucks every morning, they have to downsize to grande. ~ Jarod Kintz

Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a yo-yo, and they ended up giving me some wound up string. Gee, thanks, mom. ~ Jarod Kintz

With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked for lots of toppings. ~ Jarod Kintz

How much distance should there be between art and artist? I'd say no more than a lifetime. ~ Jarod Kintz

A whisper is the shadow of a shout, and I keep a few in my wallet to use at the strip club on rainy nights. ~ Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to help America make money. Trust me, this is smarter than letting a central bank like the Federal Reserve make all the money. ~ Jarod Kintz

I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time. ~ Jarod Kintz

Love means the world to me. But so does a globe. ~ Jarod Kintz

Large metal objects moving at high speeds have such an impact on me that I just get paralyzed. Honk if you're horny, and find men in wheelchairs sexy. ~ Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness. ~ Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used for a soft opening of a new casino. The softer the better, I always say. Well, I don't always say that. I say other stuff too. ~ Jarod Kintz

I found a note I wrote that said "Doctor's Appointment Tomorrow." Well, that note is wrong, because that appointment was yesterday. ~ Jarod Kintz

After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I guess I get really nervous on first dates. ~ Jarod Kintz

I saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I'd never have suspected him of being a terrorist. ~ Jarod Kintz

If you replace the letter "s" with the letter "x," you can make a lot of plural words naughty. For example, "fences" would become "fencex," and I'd say good fencex makes good neighbors. ~ Jarod Kintz

In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I've decided to grow a beard on my chest. ~ Jarod Kintz

Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find him, and then watch him be murdered by his sibling, who happens to contain half of Satan's DNA. ~ Jarod Kintz

Older doesn't necessarily mean wiser. Some trees live to be hundreds of years old, and what the fuck do they know? ~ Jarod Kintz

I am marvelously absurd in my cloudless thought formation. ~ Jarod Kintz

If my name were Ouch, it would pain me to introduce myself. As it is now, I only find my name mildly tortuous. ~ Jarod Kintz

I don't deceive myself. No, I get my clones to do it for me. ~ Jarod Kintz

He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty. ~ Jarod Kintz

I made a mistake, but I didn't beat myself up about it. No, I beat up my clone. ~ Jarod Kintz

I stole the y, and what was yours is now ours. ~ Jarod Kintz

Who am I to ask you who you are, even if you're my clone. ~ Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to make magical music. And no, I'm not talking about sex and wailing orgasms, you pervert. That's my sister you're thinking about. And it's particularly disgusting and disturbing because I don't even have a sister. ~ Jarod Kintz

I always say "I couldn't agree more," even if I wholeheartedly disagree, because whether I completely agree or completely disagree, I couldn't agree more. ~ Jarod Kintz

When I'm asleep I'm a politician, and when I'm awake I'm a criminal. Throughout the day and night, my mentality never changes. ~ Jarod Kintz

I want to write a story about an asexual unicycle who refuses to let a unicorn ride it. ~ Jarod Kintz

I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday. ~ Jarod Kintz

A tornado is the ultimate coffee grinder. Just add water, and you'll wake the whole trailer park. ~ Jarod Kintz

My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually trade places. My skin is so craterous that Neil Armstrong annually rubs my face just to reminisce about his time on the moon. And my nose is so long that my penis is jealous. But enough about how handsome I am. ~ Jarod Kintz

When I sing, it sounds like I'm gargling spaghetti. Is it any wonder that women lust after me and mail me their panties? (Mail to: Jarod Kintz/12358 Fibonacci Way/Jacksonville, Fl 32258) ~ Jarod Kintz

I like to use my influence for good, rather than evil. And in this case, the good is a free meal at a swanky restaurant. But I don't have much influence, as you could tell if you saw the meal I was just given: two packets of saltine crackers and a glass of water (ice not included). ~ Jarod Kintz

The cool thing about unemployment is every day is Saturday. ~ Jarod Kintz

Don't try blowing smoke up my ass, because you'll find my anus blocked - by a cigar. ~ Jarod Kintz

I'm such a germaphobe that I think sanitation gloves should be thicker than boxing gloves. ~ Jarod Kintz

I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant. ~ Jarod Kintz

I'll name my town "Unwelcome," and the sign will say, "Welcome to Unwelcome. ~ Jarod Kintz

The longest I have ever gone without sex is sixteen years. But to my credit, elementary and middle school were rough dating years. ~ Jarod Kintz

I started out on a treadmill - and I just did my first marathon. And all while sitting in a wheelchair. ~ Jarod Kintz

I carry your love like a backpack. I only wish your love had a larger cargo capacity, and had zippers instead of Velcro. ~ Jarod Kintz

The door handle is on the wrong side of the door. It's on the inside only, only in my dreams. I can leave, but I can't return. ~ Jarod Kintz

The water trapped in my window makes it like an aquarium - which makes me the fish. ~ Jarod Kintz

If I were silent and invisible, I'd fear nobody. And if I were tasteless too, not even the cannibals or modern art critics would touch me. ~ Jarod Kintz

Neighbors, I'm on the fence about them. ~ Jarod Kintz

In a relationship, I'm committed to giving her 100% of 50%. ~ Jarod Kintz

Death is coming - but hopefully not before old age, decrepitude, and senility. ~ Jarod Kintz

I can't marry a bisexual woman, because she might be having an affair with the same person I'm having an affair with. And it's not affair to share. ~ Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I'm afraid I'm crying at the answer, which I know to be unknowable. ~ Jarod Kintz

Being in love is like being lit on fire and having your loved one morph into a marshmallow as she runs to embrace you. But not being in love feels so much worse, possibly like being a tax collector. Actually, nothing compares to the lowliness of a tax collector. ~ Jarod Kintz

If I give you an historical reference, am I dating myself? No, because the only way I could date myself is if I had a clone - and he was gay. ~ Jarod Kintz

You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night. ~ Jarod Kintz

I'm a Colorado boy at heart, even though my surrounding body is like the landmass containing the encircling 47 states. But I love like Hawaii and Alaska - hot and cold and from a distance. ~ Jarod Kintz

The state of North Carolina, Daisy, and John Wayne walked into a bar, and I shouted, "Duke!" and the bartender threw me out, because he was a Chapel Hill fan, and I was drunk. ~ Jarod Kintz

Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge. ~ Jarod Kintz

There's nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn't hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I'll bet it was pretty funny. ~ Jarod Kintz

If I could build my own neighbors, I'd have no need to build a fence. I would tell you, "I would tell you, but you wouldn't understand," but you wouldn't understand what you wouldn't understand. ~ Jarod Kintz

Death is the only equality guaranteed in life. A poor man will die just as surely as a rich man. ~ Jarod Kintz

The word long is short, and so is the word short, but why is the word love as long as long? Shouldn't it be longer? ~ Jarod Kintz