Innuendo Humour Quotes

Phrases and images from the game filtered through his head... hitting the sweet spot, working the rosin bag, over the bat, going deep, in the hole, double header, baseball was a filthy, dirty sport! ~ J.D. Ruskin

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts ~ P.G. Wodehouse

The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone. ~ Sid Caesar

Here you are. Would you like some pickles?"
"Pickles gives me the wind something awful."
"In that case - "
"Oh, I wasn't saying no," Mistress Weatherwax said, taking two large pickled cucumbers. ~ Terry Pratchett

Of course, owls on the loose seemed strange to the uninitiated. One day an electrician came to work on the building's power supply, when, seemingly out of nowhere, an owl flew around a corner right at him. The poor guy let out an unearthly scream and hit the floor, covering his head and yelling in Spanish. ~ Stacey O'Brien

If you ever need to confirm that a girl is worth coming back from Hell for, show her your monster arm and see what she says. ~ Richard Kadrey

It would be best to stride in with a cheer "hello!", but she wasn't the cheery sort; she was the "lurking in dark corners" sort. She found a dark corner, behind the Stalker-cases, and lurked. ~ Philip Reeve

I identify with this guy's frustration and inability to control his fury at moments. I even identify with the way that this guy covers up a lot with humour. So yeah, it's interesting. ~ Bradley Whitford

I look in the glass sometimes at my two long, cylindrical bags (so picturesquely rugged about the knees), my stand-up collar and billycock hat, and wonder what right I have to go about making God's world hideous. Then wild and wicked thoughts come into my heart. I don't want to be good and respectable. (I never can be sensible, I'm told; so that don't matter.) I want to put on lavender-colored tights, with red velvet breeches and a green doublet slashed with yellow; to have a light-blue silk cloak on my shoulder, and a black eagle's plume waving from my hat, and a big sword, and a falcon, and a lance, and a prancing horse, so that I might go about and gladden the eyes of the people. Why should we all try to look like ants crawling over a dust-heap? Why shouldn't we dress a little gayly? I am sure if we did we should be happier. True, it is a little thing, but we are a little race, and what is the use of our pretending otherwise and spoiling fun? Let philosophers get themselves up like old crows if they like. But let me be a butterfly. ~ Jerome K. Jerome

I make my way back whistling. Gerry nods towards Mrs Brady who is standing beside the trolleys.
Morning, Mrs Brady, I say cheerfully.
I push her provisions out to the car.
Things are something terrible, she says. You can't trust anybody.
No.
It's come to a sorry pass.
It has.
There's hormones in the beef and tranquillizers in the bacon. There's men with breasts and women with mickeys. All from eating meat.
Now.
I steer a path between a crowd of people while she keeps step alongside.
Can you believe it - they're feeding the pigs Valium. If you boil a bit of bacon you have to lie down afterwards. Dear oh dear.
Yes, I nod.
The thought of food makes me ill.
The pigs are getting depressed in those sheds. If they get depressed they lose weight. So they tranquillize them. Where will it end?
I don't know, Mrs Brady, I say. I begin filling the boot.
That's why I started buying lamb. Then along came Chernobyl. Now you can't even have lamb stew or you'll light up at night! I swear. And when they've left you with nothing safe to eat, next thing they come along and tell you you can't live in your own house.
I haven't heard of that one, Mrs Brady.
Listen to me. She took my elbow. It could all happen that you're in your own house and the next thing is there's radiation bubbling under the floorboards.
What?
It comes right at you through the foundations. Watch the yogurts. Did you hear of that?
Dermot Healy

I don't want blood to rule my life like it does some. Once you take it, it's like a drug." He stared out the window to the masked revelers in the courtyard. "Warm, rich, never enough."
I nodded, fidgeting with my mask. "Kind of like chocolate." I tried to hold in my grin. Casey always said I had a weird sense of humour that came at the oddest times.

He blinked before bursting into laughter. He had the nicest laugh and the most incredible smile I'd ever seen. It lit his grey eyes and sliced attractive little dimples into his cheeks. "Yeah. I guess it is like chocolate. ~ Kelly Keaton

No matter how old you are, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a light saber. ~ Russ

Danger is a good teacher, and makes apt scholars. So are disgrace, defeat, exposure to immediate scorn and laughter. There is no opportunity in such cases for self-delusion, no idling time away, no being off your guard (or you must take the consequences) - neither is there any room for humour or caprice or prejudice. ~ William Hazlitt

How's Uncle Louis today?" "Who?" "And Aunt Maude? ~ Ray Bradbury

I suddenly realise that it doesn't matter how far I go, or how lost I am, or how lonely I feel. I fit in here. I always will.
That's how I know I'm home. ~ Holly Smale

Come on, let's go meet the guy who thinks he's my better half . And dear God, I apologize ahead of time if he starts talking to you about how many eight-point bucks he's planning to hunt this weekend. ~ J. Lynn

Fozzy was slowly realising his mistake of not having taken his friends words of warning more serious all those years ago. 'She's an expensive filly, with double standards,' he had said. Fozzy had not listened. ~ Tanya Thistleton

Following Jesse's wonderful advice I will have to change my quote to:
If have a sense of humour, you'll love my books; if you don't have a sense of humour, please read my books nonetheless
no matter what you have please just read my books. ~ Jayde Scott

I don't get it. Why would you want to endure someone who squeezes the toothpaste the wrong way and deprives you of a simple pleasure every morning? ~ Judy Balan

Love, laugh, live. ~ Natalia Zurawska

The awful part of the writing game is that you can never be sure the stuff is any good. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death. ~ Michael Bassey Johnson

It's perfect! Locke would appreciate it."
"Bug," Calo said, "Locke is our brother and our love for him knows no bounds. But the four most fatal words in the Therin language are 'Locke would appreciate it.'"
"Rivalled only by 'Locke taught me a new trick,'" added Galo.
"The only person who gets away with Locke Lamora games ... "
" ... is Locke ... "
" ... because we think the gods are saving him up for a really big death. Something with knives and hot irons ... "
" ... and fifty thousand cheering spectators. ~ Scott Lynch

Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant. ~ Washington Irving

(Taken from the scene in which protagonist Rebeka is caught snooping around down in the underground floors of Project Code-X...)
"I was just curious as to what was down here," I said boldly.
He studied me, evaluating the situation carefully. His face relaxed.
"They say curiosity is the mark of a great scientist," he mused light-heartedly. "It is often the loss of that child-like curiosity that ends the career of many a great scientist prematurely. Their minds go dead and they are no longer inspired. Once that light goes, they are completely and utterly useless to me."
He had a habit of ruminating aloud, so I said nothing. Then perceiving me again, he took me by the arm. "Well now, Doctor Taft. Let me show you precisely what we are doing down here in the basement," he said, proceeding to guide me around the corridor. ~ S.J. Robinson

Everybody has to be somewhere! ~ Spike Milligan

No Matter what you're, Matter is ; What you do. ~ Harishankar Kaushik

All he had was nothing, but that was something, and now it had been taken away. ~ Terry Pratchett

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip. ~ Robyn Carr

What does she even eat, do you think?"
"Tea fungus,"Ruth says. "Unsweetened. From an eye dropper. Is what I picture. either that or some sort of sea vegetable."
"Sad," I say.
"It is," Ruth muses.
We decide to order two skim milk cappuccinos and split a gluten-free carrot cake cupcake. ~ Mona Awad

One day,' was the dark reply, 'I will find the Ripper, and you will prove it with your life.'
'I hope that is not a threat against my person, sir, verily I do.' The auctioneer was all of a quiver. 'I shall not endure that sort of talk in my wife's very own auction house, sir. Judith would never have allowed such wanton verbal abuse, sir.'
'Where's you wife's spirit?' a medium shouted. 'Shall we auction her off, too?'
Didion purpled like a bruise. You knew things were getting serious when Didion Waite ran out of sirs. ~ Samantha Shannon

Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate? ~ Robert Clark

Excuse me for a moment, will ye. I think I have to talk to the river,' he said unsteadily and flopped over the side-rail. ~ Ian Livingstone

It's like my throat's caving in on itself. But I have to channel my inner New Yorker - cool and nonchalant. I shoot him a tentative grin. Deep Breath. "That's a big package."
And... shit.
The words tumblr out. "I don't mean package. Just. Your box. Is big." I hold my hands apart to demonstrate. Because apparently that's the way to prove it's not an innuendo. By spreading my hands out dick-measuringly.
Box Boy furrows his brow.
"Sorry. I don't... I swear I don't usually comment on the size of other guys' boxes."
He meets my eyes and smiles, just a little. "Nice tie," he says. ~ Becky Albertalli

Oh, wow."
"What do you think?"
"I tried to imagine, but
I mean ... it's so much more
"
"Think it's large enough to keep you satisfied for a while?"
"It's so much bigger than I expected"
He backed away, leaving Beatrice to gaze in wonder at the library that took up half of the second floor.
"I think I'll just leave you two alone for a bit," he said with a chuckle. ~ Elizabeth Hunter

Chasing something external to satisfy the internal is a hollow practice. The only thing you can chase is yourself and you are already here! ~ Tresh An

Thirty years of marriage to Erasto had taught her much, namely that men were reckless by nature, full of bluster, most incompetent, the rest fortunate to have a wife to keep them from allowing their innate ineptitude to engulf all around them. ~ A.H. Septimius