Humorous Philosopjy Quotes

The only way to cull the uncommon man from the common is with his clothes off. ~ Paula Wall

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling ~ Robert Breault

Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia. ~ W.C. Fields

Welcome... to the Filthy Frank Show. If you're feeling suicidal, you've come to the right place. 'Cause I wanna fucking kill myself as well. ~ George Miller

At the dockside I was pleasantly surprised to find the North wasn't all hairy men in animal skins. There was also hairy women in animal skins. ~ Mark Lawrence

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. ~ William S. Paley

MTV used to be about music, chickpea," he'd say. "Music. Now it's about morons doing moronic things. Video didn't just kill the radio star, it damn near killed talent. You better run? You better cry, more like it. ~ Lexxie Couper

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird? ~ George Carlin

He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand. ~ Charles Dickens

A frog in love would not be enchanted to learn that her beloved had turned into Prince Charming. ~ Mason Cooley

The essence of success is that it is never necessary to think of a new idea oneself. It is far better to wait until somebody else does it, and then to copy him in every detail, except his mistakes. ~ Aubrey Menen

A balanced dieT to make you die with a tea, consists of holding two bags of cookies on each hand and a voracious hunger to consume. ~ Ana Claudia Antunes

Age is a state of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter. ~ Satchel Paige

British Israelites: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C ... They further believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. ~ Mike Harding

The first thing that struck you about Claire's plate was its vast emptiness. Of course I'm well aware that, in the better restaurants, quality takes precedence over quantity, but there are voids and then there are voids. The void here, that part of the plate on which no food at all was present, had clearly been raised to a matter of principle.
It was as though the empty plate was challenging you to say something about it, to go to the open kitchen and demand an explanation. 'You wouldn't even dare!' the plate said, and laughed in your face. ~ Herman Koch

There's no romance in geometry," Lindsey answered.
"Just you wait. ~ John Green

Christian swiped the keys from my hand. "Maybe the fates want us to take the car home. Why do I have a feeling I'm going to regret this?
I smirked. "Is that what Viktor said before he hired you?"
"That's what your husband is going to say before reciting his vows."
"That's what every woman says before they have sex with you."
Christian swaggered toward the door, swinging the keys around his finger. "That's what I'm going to say before you serve our dinner tonight. ~ Dannika Dark

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me. ~ Woody Allen

A meeting is a collective tacit confession of participants' unwillingness to work. ~ Pawan Mishra

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead. ~ Bob Hope

A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants. ~ Harry Truman

I should never do anything pre-coffee.

'It was only a teeny fire,' I told my uncle over the phone. ~ Cindy Brown

My toe as a lethal weapon! ~ Azar Nafisi

He has become a worm. That is what I am telling you."
"I don't suppose it would be possible," said Henry into the silence, "to, er, step on him? ~ Cassandra Clare

The President's very shrewd ~ Sam Donaldson

The problem with taxation is that authors can't write off whiskey as a business expense. ~ Bryan Way

People stubbornly lived their lives as they wanted, without regard to me, to an amazing degree. ~ Charlaine Harris

Let me see," Opal said.
She quickly slurped up the rest of her lunch and then
took the collar. She examined it very closely. Sure enough,
she could see bits of evergreen fur pinched along the buckle strap. As she looked closer, she noticed something else. Several pieces of black onyx were sewn into the back of the collar, and they started glowing.
"Well look at that," Jack said. "Somebody's put a spider in this biscuit. ~ Mark Caldwell Jones

Kissing Red must've killed off some of your brain cells," Ryder decided. "You can tell a woman what to do
if you play it right
and maybe, maybe half the time she'd do it, or something close to it. That's a live woman. A dead one? I figure that's closer to zero. ~ Nora Roberts

Stupid entropy ruins everything. ~ Jennifer Ouellette

You'll be dethroned faster than a coke snorting beauty queen. ~ Eric Luper