Humorous Life Quotes

Life is full of things that can kill me, you vampire m*****f****r, and you sure as shit can just get in line!
Dr. Adin Tredeger ~ Z.A. Maxfield

Until you have experienced raccoons mating underneath your bedroom at three in the morning, you have missed one of life's sensational moments. ~ Robert Fulghum

Life isn't over because you failed, in fact, it has just began ~ Viha Pandya

I have always pictured accupuncture like falling into a box of sewing needles, and then standing up refreshed and free of pain. ~ Neil Leckman

I can't say for sure if I'm better off, since I have no way of knowing what would have been. I could have traveled to exotic places and kissed exotic men in the moonlight. Or I could have ended living alone in a dumpy apartment with the flesh eating virus I contracted from a public toilet. Could haves are always a great unknown. ~ Anna White

The first of 'Goose's Two Laws of Survival.' It runs thus, 'The weak are meat the strong do eat.' " ... Henry grinned in the dark & cleared his throat. "The second law of survival states that there is no second law. Eat or be eaten. That's it. ~ David Mitchell

Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, That's true, I'm hiding from the barber!! ~ Neil Leckman

I love fortune readings! because when I get in troubles, if the reading says that I am in a lucky day, I can think my troubles are just some kind of mistakes, and if the reading says that I am in the unlucky day, I can think that my troubles are just because of my bad luck. Either ways, I can know the reason of my troubles. ~ Hiroko Sakai

That's a good attitude. You should hate me more, curse me more, and detest me! Then you should take the power of that hatred and use it to survive this rotten world. ~ Hideaki Sorachi

I refuse to have a life partner who spends his days pretending to be on a BBC show. ~ Lisa Lutz

Occupation: Writer
Occupational Hazard: Carpel tunnel
Solution: Wrist guards to bed or my hands do all the sleeping
Perspective: I've decided my wrist guards have turned me into a Ninja Superhero that hides in the shadows ~ Christy Hall

Never underestimate the audacity of the small minded and slightly crapulous.
A rather bleezed young neighbour decided to have a grammar battle with me. It lasted all of two seconds.
I said something slightly amicable, and he responded with, "You sure that's how you use that word?"
I put down my laundry basket and turned to him slowly and deliberately.
"Do you really want to have this discussion with me, son, or do you want to go home and rethink your life?"
He grumbled and vanished. ~ Michelle Franklin

Our life is a constant journey, from birth to death. The landscape changes, the people change, our needs change, but the train keeps moving. Life is the train, not the station. ~ Paulo Coelho

If you were allowed one wish for your child, seriously consider wishing him or her optimism. Optimists are normally cheerful and happy, and therefore popular; they are resilient in adapting to failures and hardships, their chances of clinical depression are reduced, their immune system is stronger, they take better care of their health, they feel healthier than others and are in fact likely to live longer. A study of people who exaggerate their expected life span beyond actuarial predictions showed that they work longer hours, are more optimistic about their future income, are more likely to remarry after divorce (the classic "triumph of hope over experience"), and are more prone to bet on individual stocks. Of course, the blessings of optimism are offered only to individuals who are only mildly biased and who are able to "accentuate the positive" without losing track of reality. ~ Anonymous

That we can prescribe the terms of our own success, that we can live outside or in ignorance of the Great Economy are the greatest errors. They condemn us to a life without a standard, wavering in inescapable bewilderment from paltry self-satisfaction to paltry self-dissatisfaction. But since we have no place to live but in the Great Economy, whether or not we know that and act accordingly is the critical question, not about economy merely, but about human life itself.

It is possible to make a little economy, such as our present one, that is so short-sighted and in which accounting is of so short a term as to give the impression that vices are necessary and practically justifiable. When we make our economy a little wheel turning in opposition to what we call "nature," then we set up competitiveness as the ruling principle in our explanation of reality and in our understanding of economy; we make of it, willy-nilly, a virtue. But competitiveness, as a ruling principle and a virtue, imposes a logic that is extremely difficult, perhaps impossible, to control. That logic explains why our cars and our clothes are shoddily made, why our "wastes" are toxic, and why our "defensive" weapons are suicidal; it explains why it is so difficult for us to draw a line between "free enterprise" and crime. If our economic ideal is maximum profit with minimum responsibility, why should we be surprised to find our corporations so frequently in court and robbery on the increase? Why sh ~ Wendell Berry

Perhaps Louisa didn't need to detail what Marmee is so angry about nearly every day of her life. To be a woman is to know anger. To be underestimated, treated as inferior, have one's concerns classified as minor, to do all the work and receive none of the glory--how could one not feel angry? And yet in order to be a good woman who stands a chance at being loved and accepted, back then and still very much so now, one has to learn, as Marmee advises Jo, not to show it, even better not to feel it. Anger in a woman runs the risk of being pathologized, penalized, criminalized. A woman is supposed to bear the violence of patriarchy--both the bloody and the bloodless forms--with unflappable cheeriness (p.66) ~ Jenny Zhang

The realization that just as no action is really indifferent, so no utterance is without its responsibility introduces, it is true, a certain strenuosity into life. ~ Richard M. Weaver

Sometimes in life you have to make difficult choices. The best time to make those choices is before you're confronted with them. ~ Perry Morris

A man with no name may you claim, heart and body and soul. Then rich life might grow, but death will surely flow. "'In shades of darkness he will come to you. If you touch him, you will know life that might or death that will. "'Be therefore as sunlight, hidden in amber, untouched by man, not touching. "'Forbidden. ~ Elizabeth Lowell

Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale...♥~ ~ Anonymous

Man's activity consists in either a making or doing. Both of these aspects of the active life depend for their correction upon the contemplative life (that is, the Hero). ~ Ananda Coomaraswamy

Only in being productively active can man make sense of his life. ~ Erich Fromm

We are here to feel the joy of life, to love, and to expand the happiness. ~ Debasish Mridha

For the first five years of my life, things felt pretty good. A lot went wrong after that, family-wise. ~ Damon Galgut

I love single life! Why would it be boring? I mean, I get to travel around and have loads of girls screaming at me, so it's definitely not boring. However, it can get lonely on the road, but I'm sorted I've got good people around me. ~ Olly Murs

The offspring of two bookish parents, I made up my mind as a boy that I would be as unlike them as I could. I was determined not, as an adult, to look up from a book with that confused, abstracted, disappointed expression that my parents shared when jolted out of book life into real life. ~ Richard Russo

We live only in the present, in this fleet-footed moment. The rest is lost and behind us, or ahead of us and may never be found. Little of life we know, little the plot of earth on which we dwell, little the memory of even the most famous who have lived, and this memory itself is preserved by generations of little men, who know little about themselves and far less about those who died long ago. ~ Marcus Aurelius

It felt as if my whole life had been shaped by things people wouldn't say. ~ Erica Bauermeister

Proper and effective use of time yields good result ~ Sunday Adelaja

Some things are better off back in the past. Where they belong. ~ Hugh Howey

Relax, you're on a journey of discovery. Let life reveal itself to you. ~ Melody Beattie

Ninety percent of our lives is governed by emotion. Our brains merely register and act upon what is telegraphed to them by our bodily experience. Intellect is to emotion as our clothes are to our bodies; we could not very well have civilized life without clothes, but we would be in a poor way if we had only clothes without bodies. ~ Alfred North Whitehead

And as He spoke, He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before. ~ C.S. Lewis

Life is not fair, but one day God's going to settle the score. He's going to right the wrongs. So, who can get better justice - you or God? ~ Rick Warren

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' ~ Les Dawson

There is a house above the world, where the over-people gather. There is a man with wings like a bird.. there is a man who can sea across the planet and wring diamonds from its anthracite. There is a man who moves so fast that his life is an endless gallery of statues..In the house above the world the over-people gather..To a fry, mad voice that whispers of earthdeath. ~ Alan Moore

The old world order changed when this war-storm broke. The old international order passed away as suddenly, as unexpectedly, and as completely as if it had been wiped out by a gigantic flood, by a great tempest, or by a volcanic eruption. The old world order died with the setting of that day's sun and a new world order is being born while I speak, with birth-pangs so terrible that it seems almost incredible that life could come out of such fearful suffering and such overwhelming sorrow. ~ Nicholas Murray Butler

Liv has always been the one part of my life I got right. ~ Nina Lane

I bare my soul and you are suspicious! No, Scarlett, this is a bona fide honorable declaration. I admit that it's not in the best of taste, coming at this time, but I have a very good excuse for my lack of breeding. I'm going away tomorrow for a long time and I fear that if I wait till I return you'll have married some one else with a little money. So I thought, why not me and my money? Really, Scarlett, I can't go all my life waiting to catch you between husbands. ~ Margaret Mitchell

Life never gives you what you deserve but what you decided. ~ Tara Fela-Durotoye

The fly that prefers sweetness to a long life may drown in honey. ~ George Santayana

A man's thoughts can change his entire life;Whatever you cannot perceive, you cannot receive. ~ Justice Clement

It is entirely undesirable that on modern housing estates only one type of citizen should live,' he argued. 'If we are to enable citizens to lead a full life, if they are each to be aware of the problems of their neighbours, then they should all be drawn from different sectors of the community. We should try to introduce what was always the lovely feature of English and Welsh villages, where the doctor, the grocer, the butcher and the farm labourer all lived in the same street. ~ Owen Jones

But I had learned to survive. I may have felt as if I couldn't breathe freely at times, may have felt caged and desperate, may have questioned all I ever was, but I had learned enough to keep me where I needed to be and to live to see what life would continue to bring my way if I continued to look for it. ~ Sherry Scott

One of the things I find most exciting is talking with people who are working with my work. Who are using it in some way with their life to address everyday politics of meaning. ~ Bell Hooks