Humorous Descriptions Quotes

In fact it was altogether an odd dog, of uncertain breed, or breeds. It was large and black, but its hair was tufty, its body scrawny and clumsy, and its manner edgy, anxious, verging on the completely neurotic. Whenever it came to a halt for a moment or so, the business of starting up again often seemed to cause it trouble, as if it had difficulty in remembering where it had left each of its legs. ~ Douglas Adams

Who do I think would appreciate my book?
I'm surprised anybody does. Oops, did I say that out loud? ~ Dan Alatorre

Restaurants stress the protein. People read menu items left to right, with the protein first. I read descriptions right to left. ~ Barton Seaver

I am a negative person by nature, and I typically shy away from anything that requires me to be having visible fun. ~ Samantha Irby

One thing that's good about procrastination is that you always have something planned for tomorrow ~ Gladys Bronwyn Stern

With sunglasses, a hat, and half a pack of Band-Aids, Roger could pass as a human. ~ Nadia Higgins

They'd paid some madman who thought he was a decorator a lot of money to make the place look hip and unique. Maybe it's my lack of fashion sense talking, but I thought they should have held out for one of these gorillas who has learned to paint. The results would have been of similar quality, and they could have paid in fresh produce. ~ Jim Butcher

There are many pleasant fictions of the law in constant operation, but there is not one so pleasant or practically humorous as that which supposes every man to be of equal value in its impartial eye, and the benefits of all laws to be equally attainable by all men, without the smallest reference to the furniture of their pockets. ~ Charles Dickens

(About a cookbook ... )
- What about this one? Maids of Honor?
- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor ... but they ends up Tarts. ~ Terry Pratchett

Pirates are humans. Just misunderstood humans. ~ Kyleigh Williamson

There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it. ~ Mark Twain

This dudes nuttier than squirrel shit.
-Ty Henderson ~ Madeleine Urban

I'm rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn't really count... ~ Laura L. Sullivan

Closed head trauma is about as much fun as nude paintballing. ~ D.C. Farmer

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults. ~ Harvey Kurtzman

I'm writing a book on Procrastination. I hope to start it tomorrow. I've been thinking about it for almost six years now. ~ Ron Moore

My gramps is a lot like you. No sense of adventure. All he does is sit in his urn... ~ Cleo Peitsche

Anna gave her that disjointed look with which so many people regarded Hannah, as if they has fallen too many words behind to ever catch up. ~ Laura L. Sullivan

Raven: The Reverend Mr Larynx has been called off on duty, to marry or bury (I don't know which) some unfortunate person or persons, at Claydyke: ... ~ Thomas Love Peacock

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people. ~ Chelsea Handler

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. ~ Henry A. Kissinger

Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. ~ Ronald Reagan

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. ~ Saint Augustine

Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me. ~ David Mitchell

Keep rechewing. Like a cow. Use all your creative stomachs. ~ Elizabeth M. Lawrence

Be generous with your smile and try not to frown.
And you will see my children; your smile will never let you down ☺ ~ Benny Bellamacina

Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

History is written by the victors. ~ Walter Benjamin

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars. ~ Dave Barry

Hello, little girl," he said, which was only his first big mistake. "I'm sure you want to know all about hedgehogs, eh?"
"I did this one last year," said Tiffany.
The man looked closer, and his grin faded. "Oh, yes," he said. "I remember. You asked all those ... little questions."
"I would like a question answered today," said Tiffany.
"Provided it's not one about how you get baby hedgehogs," said the man.
"No," said Tiffany patiently. "It's about zoology."
"Zoology, eh? That's a big word, isn't it."
"No, actually it isn't," said Tiffany. "Patronizing is a big word. Zoology is really quite small. ~ Terry Pratchett

As striking as the existence of a male beauty contest is the humorous, tongue-in-cheek tone with which Variety reported it. It gently ridicules the contestants, but it ridicules even more the "Coney Island dowagers" serving on the jury who hadn't a clue about what the sophisticated reporter saw transpiring, and seems to take glee in the exasperation of the chief judge, who did know what was going on. ~ George Chauncey

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky. ~ Erma Bombeck

When I first collected these authorities, I was desirous that every quotation should be useful to some other end than the illustration of a word; I therefore extracted from philosophers principles of science; from historians remarkable facts; from chymists complete processes; from divines striking exhortations; and from poets beautiful descriptions. ~ Samuel Johnson

Oh, you know what bloggers are like, they write and write and write. I don't know why, because they're not being paid. ~ Jon Ronson

There occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this:
He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute. ~ P.G. Wodehouse