Humor Science Quotes

Ty is green but never with envy. Best of all, he's usually available to help move a heavy piece of furniture. ~ John Hopkins

If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God's sake. ~ Joss Whedon

We all know that scientific words need an obscure classical origin to make them sound impressvie to those who wouldn't know an idiopathic craniofacial erythema if it hit them in the face. ~ Mark Forsyth

A stitch in time saves uncontrollable blood loss ~ Simon Haynes

Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me ... only he's an imbecile. ~ Spider Robinson

Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life. ~ Terry Pratchett

Incase the title was misleading, this is the story of Qorth. He was an alien, but he was more normal, more boring, more goofy, and more ho-hum than any human I'd ever known . . . to the point that I sometimes wonder if he was really even an alien. To be fair, he did have "magical" otherworldly powers and some weird traits, like pointed ears. It rained when he was sad. His eyes were solid black, which really creeped me out in the beginning but, eh, I got used to it. He had weird tastes in food, like he would put ketchup on pancakes, and animals were sock puppets to him. The night I found him, it was the animals who led me to him. ~ Ash Gray

Everything is what it is because it got that way. ~ D'Arcy Wentworth Thompson

Lost Cactus is simply an urban myth. ~ John Hopkins

If, as I have reason to believe, I have disintegrated the nucleus of the atom, this is of greater significance than the war.
[Apology to the international anti-submarine committee for being absent from several meetings during World War I.] ~ Ernest Rutherford

If no one ever deviated from currently accepted mainstream Science - we would still have the Flat Earth Society! ~ Mary Nash Stoddard

Haydn snorts. "Only gullible, lovesick fools spout that mushy crap." Thank the stars that his tone is teasing, because I can sense Logan's patience waning.
"When you find the right girl, I'm so going to make you eat your words. And I'm going to thoroughly enjoy rubbing your nose in it. ~ Siobhan Davis

You know, the most amazing thing happened to me tonight ... I saw a car with the license plate ARW 357. Can you imagine? Of all the millions of license plates in the state, what was the chance that I would see that particular one tonight? Amazing! ~ Richard Feynman

You are such a dork," I exclaim as my fingers flit over the multitude of images and videos of Will Smith. Pinned quotes and sayings are highlighted, and I chuckle when I recognize a few. "Oh. My. God. Did you actually learn these on purpose?"
He reels me into his arms and kisses the top of my head. "Will I be cementing my dork status if I answer affirmatively?"
"Absolutely." I look up into his beautiful eyes. "But I only love you more for it. ~ Siobhan Davis

With great power comes great dissipation. ~ Timothy Poston

Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock ... Who's There?.. Little endorphin ... Little endorphin who? ... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Cam shook his head. 'Do you ever listen to how much crazy shit comes out of your mouth?'
'Nope.' I hooked my fingers into his waistband and pulled him closer. 'Nobody does. That's why I remain undiagnosed.' ~ Lisa Henry

Trust is dangerous. ~ Pittacus Lore

Orcs do not have enemies." Monde tried to search for the proper term, "We have…adversaries."
"Isn't that the same thing?"
"Depends on who's winning the war. ~ Sabrina Zbasnik

Um. Ways in which a sentence beginning with the word "missiles" could be a good thing... Nope. I got nuthin'. ~ Dennis E. Taylor

It kills me. The way he trusted. LIke the way we trusted before they came and blue the whole goddamned world apart. Trusted that when it got dark there would be light. Trusted that when you wanted a fucking strawberry Frappuccino you could plop your ass in the car, drive down the streed, and get yourself a fucking strawberry Frappuccino! ~ Rick Yancey

For me, the best thing about Cyberpunk is that it taught me how to enjoy shopping malls, which used to terrify me. Now I just imagine the whole thing is two miles below the moon's surface, and that half the people's right-brains have been eaten by roboticized steel rats. And suddenly it's interesting again. ~ Rudy Rucker

Can I throw you under a truck some other time. ~ Neal Shusterman

If you still believe that aliens would travel hundreds of light years to carve temporary graffiti in our wheat, then your imagination is one of the seven wonders of the world, and should be bronzed. ~ Seth Shostak

But what about the End of the Universe? We'll miss the big moment."
I've seen it. It's rubbish," said Zaphod,"nothing but a gnab gib."
A what?"
Opposite of a big bang. Come on, let's get zappy. ~ Douglas Adams

Humans should be permanently under development. ~ Graeme Simsion

There are two ways to do great mathematics. The first is to be smarter than everybody else. The second way is to be stupider than everybody else
but persistent. ~ Raoul Bott

Originally it had had two settings: Stun and Kill. These had proved inadequate against the ridiculously well-armored skin of monsters from particularly rough planets, so I'd found a way to tinker with the built-in limitations. The dial now had a third setting, labeled with the handwritten words 'Solve All Immediate Problems. ~ Yahtzee Croshaw

Or maybe go sci-fi. You sorta look like that guy who roamed outer space everybody's so crazy about."
"Malcolm Reynolds?" asked Rook. ~ Richard Castle

I am certain that Eric will get the job. His career path is very straight, like that of an arrow to its target. If I were to draw my path out, it would look like a gas particle flying around in space. ~ Weike Wang

Did I see them waving?' said Mrs Liberty
'And particling, I shouldn't wonder' said the Alderman ~ Terry Pratchett

Never memorize something that you can look up. ~ Albert Einstein

Nothing in the universe can travel at the speed of light, they say, forgetful of the shadow`s speed. ~ Howard Nemerov

Just a cat! Just a cat! I am the stealer of breaths, the walker of shadows, the keeper of nine lives." - the Magnificent Lady Grayson of the Silky White Underbelly, or Just Grayson for Short ~ Richard Due

During the Society's early years, no member personified the organization's eccentricities or audacious mission more than Sir Francis Galton. A cousin of Charles Darwin's, he had been a child prodigy who, by the age of four, could read and recite Latin. He went on to concoct myriad inventions. They included a ventilating top hat; a machine called a Gumption-Reviver, which periodically wet his head to keep him awake during endless study; underwater goggles; and a rotating-vane steam engine. Suffering from periodic nervous breakdowns––"sprained brain," as he called it––he had a compulsion to measure and count virtually everything. He quantified the sensitivity of animal hearing, using a walking stick that could make an inconspicuous whistle; the efficacy of prayer; the average age of death in each profession (lawyers: 66.51; doctors: 67.04); the exact amount of rope needed to break a criminal's neck while avoiding decapitation; and levels of boredom (at meetings of the Royal Geographical Society he would count the rate of fidgets among each member of the audience). ~ David Grann

You make experiments and I make theories. Do you know the difference? A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it.

{Remark to scientist Herman Francis Mark} ~ Albert Einstein

Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules - and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Do not stare directly into his eyes!" she warned, in an accent I couldn't place.
"Why not?" I said, but she was already too late. I was staring directly into his eyes too.
"Because they are dreamy, and endless, and magical. And then when you learn what a terrible boy he is, your heart will turn into a black husk of doom."
I blinked off the spell of the boy's eyes.
"Wait, what?" - Nimet Simit and Willa Snap, conversing on the power of Ravenlock Sward's eyes. ~ Richard Due

Feeling extremely foolish, the acting representative of Homo sapiens watched his First Contact stride away across the Raman plain, totally indifferent to his presence. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Never mess with the Fez." - Heather Peaceout, Black Fez, Second Order ~ Richard Due

His eyes burned with intensity. I wondered briefly if someone
he knew was being held in that cold room that smelled like death. Someone he loved? ~ Jaye Wells

No offense, doll, but that's not something I'm willing to share. I'd prefer to live a long and happy life if it's all the same to you."
"You can't just throw out vague allegations and then say nothing else!"
"See, that's the good thing about being a fugitive like me. I can do what the hell I like, and I'm not answerable to anyone." Stepping away from the bars, he stands with his legs stretched out wide. His stance matches his grin.
"Sure looks like that's working out well for you," I say, piercing him with a scornful look. ~ Siobhan Davis

Don't pick up hitchhikers!"- D. Adams ~ Robert Lynn Asprin

Good Samaritans: Truth, justice and the American way–for them it wasn't only a comic book code; it was a way of life. it was admirable, courageous, and inconvenient as shit. -Stefan, CHIMERA ~ Rob Thurman

There was something ghost-like and insubstantial about gases to these early chemists. They called liquids that turned into gases easily, "spirits." Methyl alcohol, they called "wood spirit"; ethyl alcohol, "wine spirit." Even today, alcoholic beverages are frequently referred to as "spirits." (Modern Arabs, from whose language the word "alcohol" was taken, call ethyl alcohol "spirit" from the English. This is a queer exchange.) ~ Isaac Asimov

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done. ~ Peter Ustinov

The trouble with playing a trick on a highly intelligent man like Mr. Teller is that the time it takes him to figure out from the moment that he sees there is something wrong till he understands exactly what happened is too damn small to give you any pleasure! ~ Richard Feynman

The right place; that was what he was looking for. The right place. Place was all important, place meant everything. Take this rock…
"Take you, rock," he said. He squinted at it.
Ah yes, here we have the nasty big flat rock, sitting doing nothing, just amoral and dull, and it sits like an island in the polluted pool. The pool is a tiny lake on the little island, and the island is in a drowned crater. The crater is a volcanic crater, the volcano forms part of an island in a big inland sea. The inland sea is like a giant lake on a continent and the continent is like an island sitting in the seas of the planet. The planet is like an island on the sea of space within its system, and the system floats within the cluster, which is like an island in the sea of the galaxy, which is like an island in the archipelago of of its local group, which is an island within the universe; the universe is like an island floating in a sea of space in the Continua, and they float like islands in the Reality, and…
But down through the Continua, the Universe, the Local Group, the Galaxy, the Cluster, the System, the Planet, the Continent, the Island, the Lake, the Island… the rock remained. AND THAT MEANT THE ROCK, THE CRAPPY AWFUL ROCK HERE WAS THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE, THE CONTINUA, THE WHOLE REALITY! ~ Iain M. Banks

Will Cato's alien buddies come en masse and invade Earth? He's not sure but he'll try to keep humanity in the loop. ~ John Hopkins

But it's the science of the stars!"
"She thinks it's Satanic. You gave her daughter a pentagram."
"It's a natal chart, duh. You can't let ignorance trump science here, Miss Mary! ~ Felicia Day

Phd dissertations are for people who can't write books. ~ Anonymous

Humans had spent thousands of years climbing out of caves and building technology so they could reach the moon and live in caves again. ~ John G. Hemry

Above my pay grade! ~ Dennis E. Taylor

It is practical, but that doesn't mean it's right. ~ Pittacus Lore

I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby. ~ Criss Jami

The thin girl was gulping down one of Richard's bananas in what was, Richard reflected, the least erotic display of banana-eating he had ever seen. ~ Neil Gaiman

Here's how to freak out a baby: sit across from the baby, engage with him or her, and then suddenly become still. If this goes on for more than a few seconds, with you looking all corpselike, the baby will become upset. ~ Paul Bloom

In some universes, all possible pasts funnel towards a single fixed ending, Ω.

It you are of millenarian bent, you might call Ω Armageddon, If you are of grammatical bent, you might call it punctuation on a cosmological scale.

If you are a philosopher in such a universe, you might call Ω inevitable. ~ Yoon Ha Lee

I killed a couple of people," Scooter said. "Wanna play cards? ~ Forrest Carr

You mean you've been in this same set of rooms here for... two hundred years?' murmured Richard. 'You'd think someone would notice, or think it was odd.'

'Oh, that's one of the delights of the older Cambridge colleges,' said Reg, 'everyone is so discreet. If we all went around mentioning what was odd about each other we'd be here till Christmas. ~ Douglas Adams

Conceited little mega-puppy. ~ Douglas Adams

Do you remember his science project, Harry Sue, on the trajectory of spitballs? I tell you, that modest little display taught our students more about physics than I could accomplish in a weeklong unit at the middle school ~ Sue Stauffacher

I am a leg of the death tripod that will destroy our foes. ~ Frank Herbert

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket? ~ Woody Allen

My father would argue two side of a möbius strip. ~ Dan Brown

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots. ~ Edgar Rice Burroughs

If people are constantly falling off a cliff, you could place ambulances under the cliff or build a fence on the top of the cliff. We are placing all too many ambulances under the cliff. ~ Denis Parsons Burkitt

For someone who'e smarter than a supercomputer, sometimes you're a real idiot. ~ Gordon Korman

Every success has a beginning, which is zero ~ Shaunak Chakraborty

Why do humans never do as they're told? Someone should replace you all with robots. No, on second though, they shouldn't, bad idea. ~ Jonathan Morris

And we're not lost."
We are so fucking lost. Literally adrift in the nothing space between universes. ~ Blake Crouch

I tell you it's deadly when you start thinking your wife might be right. ~ Isaac Asimov

So Yoda sounds like our best bet as an energy source. But with world electricity consumption pushing 2 terawatts, it would take a hundred million Yodas to meet our demands. All things considered, switching to Yoda power probably isn't worth the trouble - though it would definitely be green. ~ Randall Munroe

War created the conditions for great advances in technology...without war men would not traverse oceans in hours, travel in space, or microwave popcorn. ~ Adrian R. Lewis

Gravity disappears again, and we rise up off the floor like spooks from a grave. It's like the Rapture in here every thirty seconds. ~ Mary Roach

So, in the name of science, I demand that we mess around with guns! ~ Andrew Hall

The sheer quantity of brain power that hurled itself voluntarily and quixotically into the search for new baseball knowledge was either exhilarating or depressing, depending on how you felt about baseball. The same intellectual resources might have cured the common cold, or put a man on Pluto. ~ Michael Lewis

As an anonymous wit is supposed to have put it: Hydrogen is a light, odorless gas which, given enough time, changes into people. ~ David Christian

Lampaxa Vorheridine? My Latin was never very good. What does that Translate to?"

"Um, nothing. It wasn't named by an Earth scientist. According to the database it was named by a Cheblookan aboard a frieghter when it stopped here looking for fresh food. His friend was killed by one as they searched the swamp for Greppers. After the hunting party killed the creature and determined that it was safe to eat if processed properly, the Cheblookan reportedly named it after his mother-in-law, Lampaxa Vorheridine. he said it sort of reminded him of her, even though they look nothing alike. ~ Thomas DePrima

Trees make babies by dropping tiny wooden tree eggs on the ground. ~ Randall Munroe

BioLogos claims there is no conflict between the theory of evolution and creationism. Huh? Here is where the creationists seem to have the intellectual advantage: they at least see the conflict. Actually, it is not that BioLogos isn't aware of the conflict, but rather, it has come up with the answer to the long-standing conflict between Darwinism and creationism: simply pretend there is no conflict. ~ G.M. Jackson

Emotional states are fairly quick bursts of neuronal gossip. Traits, on the other hand, are more like the neuronal equivalent of committed relationships. ~ Yongey Mingyur

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes. ~ Douglas Adams

During World War II, when combat rations were tinned, meat hashes were a common entrée because they worked well with the filling machines. "But the men wanted something they could chew, something into which they could 'sink their teeth,'" wrote food scientist Samuel Lepkovsky in a 1964 paper making the case against a liquid diet for the Gemini astronauts. He summed up the soldiers' take on potted meat: "We could undoubtedly survive on these rations a lot longer than we'd care to live." (NASA went ahead and tested an all-milkshake meal plan on groups of college students living in a simulated space capsule at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in 1964. A significant portion of it ended up beneath the floorboards.) ~ Mary Roach

I walk up and down the rows. The heads look like rubber halloween masks. They also look like human heads, but my brain has no precedent for human heads on tables or in roasting pans or anywhere other than on top of a human bodies, and so I think it has chosen to interpret the sight in a more comforting manner. - Here we are at the rubber mask factory. Look at the nice men and woman working on the masks. ~ Mary Roach

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope. ~ Woody Allen

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?
Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different. ~ Albert Einstein

In a manner of speaking. As we intend for you to found a dynasty. And that dynasty will rule society until it has progressed enough to-"
"Overthrow the dynasty in a revolutionary, blood filled coup!" Iggy said eagerly.
We all looked at him.
"Just saying." He sheepishly took a bite of cookie. ~ James Patterson

I don't know how many of you have ever met Dijkstra, but you probably know that arrogance in computer science is measured in nano-Dijkstras. ~ Alan Kay

It's called the FATLOSE trail. FATLOSE stands for 'Fecal Administration To LOSE weight,' an example of PLEASE -  Pretty Lame Excuse for an Acronym, Scientists and Experimenters. ~ Mary Roach

I believe you to be Filidor Vesh," said the dwarf.

"You are entitled to your beliefs, however ill-founded," Filidor replied. "No doubt you will wish to search further for this Vesh, rather than impose your presence upon a man called hence by urgent affairs."

The dwarf transferred his grip from Filidor's mantle to his arm. His gaze swept quickly over the young man's features. "This belief is supported by the evidence, since you answer to a point the description furnished me."

"You are plainly the dupe of some prankster, who abuses the dignity of your years by sending you on a fool's errand," said Filidor. "Were I you, I would seek out the rascal and thrash him. ~ Matthew Hughes

One day, on tearing off some old bark, I saw two rare beetles, and seized one in each hand. Then I saw a third and new kind, which I could not bear to lose, so I popped the one which I held in my right hand into my mouth. Alas! it ejected some intensely acrid fluid, which burnt my tongue so that I was forced to spit the beetle out, which was lost, as was the third one. ~ Charles Darwin

A simple mistake…can tell me what you're not, or it can remind me of why I should love you." (404 Error=Page Not Found) ~ Renny Gleeson

Sadly, my socks are like snowflakes, no two are exactly alike. ~ Graham Parke

You'd be surprised what an eleven-year-old can get away with." - Tuppence ~ Richard Due

Intellectuals always make a fuss about nothing. ~ Liu Cixin

And although the space they occupy isn't like normal
space, nevertheless they are packed in tightly. Not a cubic inch there but is filled by a claw, a talon, a scale, the tip of a
tail, so the effect is like one of those trick drawings and
your eyeballs eventually realize that the space between each
dragon is, in fact, another dragon. ~ Terry Pratchett

But, I tell myself, Weight is just an artifact of gravity. If this were a jazz club on the moon, I would weigh less. ~ Weike Wang

Well, don't stand about like that, man; if you're no use you're certainly no ornament. Bring that in and tell me what it says. ~ Stephen Baxter

3. When making your dramatic exit, crawl along one of the web strands that extend outward from the center. Avoid the webbing that runs in concentric circles, as it's the stickiest.
4. Once you've escaped, say something snarky to the queen, like "Sorry I couldn't stick around. ~ Andrew Shaffer