Humor Parenting Quotes

As a young father it's important to remember that, when you're at the beach, there's a BIG difference between telling your five year old son to just go pee in the ocean and telling him to get in the water at least waist deep and then pee in the ocean. ~ Spuds Crawford

My need to parent is so much bigger, sometimes, than my children's need for parenting. ~ Margot Page

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. ~ Bill Cosby

(Da) "Sorry, Son, what was that? I was too busy ignoring you."
(Later) "Sorry, Son, I missed that," Ma said. "Ignoring you can be a full-time job. ~ Brian Farrey

Take any two-year-old through a car wash and their skulls are blown. FLAPS! FOAM! ROLLING THINGS! It's the closest they'll ever get to being inside a working spaceship. ~ Drew Magary

It's a fact that every minute you hold a child, it triples in mass. ~ Drew Magary

There are many things the Chinese do differently from Westerners. There's the question of extra credit, for example. One time, Lulu came home and told me about a math test she'd just taken. She said she thought it had gone extremely well, which is why she didn't feel the need to do the extra-credit problems.
I was speechless for a second, uncomprehending. "Why not?" I asked. "Why didn't you do them?"
"I didn't want to miss recess."
A fundamental tenet of being Chinese is that you always do all of the extra credit all of the time.
"Why?" asked Lulu, when I explained this to her.
For me this was like asking why I should breathe.
"None of my friends do it," Lulu added.
"That's not true," I said. "I'm 100% sure that Amy and Junno did the extra credit." Amy and Junno were the Asian kids in Lulu's class. And I was right about them; Lulu admitted it.
"But Rashad and Ian did the extra credit too, and they're not Asian," she added.
"Aha! So many of your friends did do the extra credit! And I didn't say only Asians do extra credit. Anyone with good parents knows you have to do the extra credit. I'm in shock, Lulu. What will the teacher think of you? You went to recess instead of doing extra credit?" I was almost in tears. "Extra credit is not extra. It's just credit. It's what separates the good students from the bad students."
"Aww - recess is so fun," Lulu offered as her final sally. But after that, Lulu, like Sophia. always did the e ~ Amy Chua

Emma, okay, enough with the singing. Mommy's getting a three-pill headache. ~ Jeff Abbott

Tummy Time - When a parent lays their baby on their tummy to strengthen and develop physically. Also called forgetting the child on the floor and giving it a name. ~ Olive Hunter

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you'd go up to her room to cuddle with her, she'd pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes. ~ Chelsea Handler

Why did you throw sand when I just told you not to?"

What child says, "Hmm, why did I? I guess there's no good reason. Thanks for pointing that out. It won't happen again. ~ Joanna Faber

It took a year for us to conceive our second child. This is a common ordeal for the average middle-class American couple that puts off having children until their thirties. We knew so many other couples that had experienced fertility problems and miscarriages that it was more surprising when someone we knew had a child without being consigned to thirty-eight consecutive weeks of bed rest. Turns out God WANTS you to conceive when you're eighteen years old, apparently so that you can spend your twenties miserable and penniless and living in a camper. ~ Drew Magary

Parenting fucked you up. ~ Abigail Barnette

When a teacher is paying extra attention to your child, you believe that it's because you raised such an exceptional kid, one that stands out head and shoulders above the rest of her booger-eating friends. ~ Drew Magary

A dam doesn't try to reason with the water. Its main purpose is to hold it still for a while. When I lecture my kids I'm doing much the same thing. I'm not trying to necessarily reason with them, just hold them still for a short while. ~ Spuds Crawford

Interesting how fashion is cyclical," Jaccob said when she came out of the store with two black plastic bags. "Goth was the look when I was young, too."
"It's not a look," Chuck said. "I'm just wearing my feelings on the outside."
"Uh huh." His phone buzzed. "Hang on a second."
He rolled up his sleeve to check his HUD, but the call hadn't come through there.
Huh. He had to pick up his phone and check the read-out, which listed a phone number: an old school page. "That's funny ... "
"Dad, you're doing that thing again," Chuck said.
"What thing?" Jaccob asked.
"That thing where you have to check every single doohickey you carry around."
"I am not." Jaccob took his hand out of his coat pocket, where he'd been reaching to check his police scanner or music player (he hadn't decided which to use first). ~ Erik Scott De Bie

People who have babies tell me I will know a love that is beyond anything I can imagine, and a joy that is indescribable. Love and joy? That sounds horrifying. I have no way of knowing whether I can handle either of those. I'm much better with need and fear. They are what ground me. ~ Marc Maron

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal. ~ Bill Cosby

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God? ~ Stephen Colbert

Don't even think about it."
"Well, when can I walk by myself?"
"When you get your driver's license."
"You always, always say that." Dillie scowled at him. "That's when everything happens."
"It's going to be a busy day," Phin agreed. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Got any mood music?"
"If you press Play on the stereo you're going to hear Miley Cyrus."
"I don't know who that is."
"Count your blessings. ~ Tere Michaels

A lot of people think that to make a garden, all you have to do is put a few seeds in the ground. These are the same people who think that conceiving a baby makes you a good parent. ~ Cassandra Danz

You go through big chunks of time where you're just thinking, 'this is impossible - oh,this is impossible'. And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible. ~ Tina Fey

Like I tell our kids, 'Your Mom isn't always right and I'm not always right. But together, WE'RE ALWAYS right! ~ J. Thomas Steele

If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income. ~ Dave Barry

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing. ~ Jim Gaffigan

Jumping, waving arms, cheering, laughing, head-butting him in the groin, an unfortunate ritual in the Tanner home, very much unappreciated by Jim, but tolerated for the sake of the children, Grace, Bobby and Steven joined Jason next to their father. ~ Mike Jackson

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They're pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn't it? ~ Jim Gaffigan

If you raise a daughter to be both independent and an excellent marksman, you have to accept the fact that your control over her actions is at an end. ~ Martha Wells

If I hear any more loud voices, you will both be auctioned off on eBay. I could use the extra money. ~ J.R. Rain

He was afraid to pick up the baby. If he touched it, it might bond with him or something. Or he might leave fingerprints all over it. ~ Judith Arnold

We're gonna do like Posh and Becks and call it after the place it was conceived."
"Where's that?" I asked.
"King of Prussia. ~ Henry G. Radcliff

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up. ~ Ray Romano

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. ~ Phyllis Diller

I know my kids will be incredible, just not as great as me. ~ A.D. Aliwat

In that day, we didn't have no remote controls and vacuum cleaners. If you wanted all that stuff you had children! ~ Tyler Perry

Of course, everyone's parents are embarrassing. It goes with the territory. The nature of parents is to embarrass merely by existing, just as it is the nature of children of a certain age to cringe with embarrassment, shame, and mortification should their parents so much as speak to them on the street. ~ Neil Gaiman

You and Dad are really the wrecking ball of all of our teenage runaway fantasies. Why couldn't you jerks go and be crack addicts or religious fanatics so we could have excuses to live on the wide open road? - email from Lily ~ Candace Allan

When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard. ~ Jim Gaffigan

It's good to be here. I'm just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It's not working out too well. ~ Brian Regan

Krys Lee has written a book of unforgettable stories, each one building on the other to create a complex, moving portrait of contemporary Korea and its diaspora. She guides us surely through the fallout of war, immigration, and financial crisis, always alert to the possibility of tenderness, transcendence, and even humor along the way. Lee is a writer who really understands loneliness, but her voice is so appealing, and her perceptions so wise, that we feel all the less lonely for knowing her characters and experiencing their lives. ~ Sarah Shun-lien Bynum

What happened at the end of our last story is something called misdirection. It's what happens when you are led to believe that something is true, but in reality it's not true at all. Misdirection happens a lot in real life- especially in politics, history, education, medicine, marketing, science, religion, and the Oprah Winfrey Network. ~ Dav Pilkey

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. ~ George Carlin

And Tria this is Vilenthe." Tria just stares before collapsing onto the floor Ingra looks down "She'll be fine." Vilenthe scowls "She has seen me before. Many years ago before I was selected for the 11th Tournament, she must've forgotten about that but we have met before. ~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Stick to catching runaway livestock. ~ Anne Hagan

You look about as trapped as a piglet at a baby back ribs cookoff. ~ Colleen Houck

Esmeralda?" Scarlett turned to the witch next. "Don't you want to do magic, again?"

"Of course I do! It's the only thing I dream of. Casting spells… Turning people into frogs… Genetically engineering my gingerbread army… ~ Cassandra Gannon

My colleagues and I feel that independents like ElfQuest are nothing but sheep in wolves' clothing.- S. Lee ~ Robert Asprin

I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are ... ~ David Cross

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi. ~ Jimmy Carr

We, perhaps, have corrupted our children and our grandchildren by heedless affluence, by a lack of manliness, by giving the younger generation more money and liberty than their youth can handle, by indoctrinating them with sinister ideologies and false values, by permitting them, as young children, to indulge themselves in imprudence to superiors and defiance of duly constituted authority, by lack of prudent, swift punishment when the transgressed, by coddling and pampering them when they were children and protecting them from a very dangerous world ~ Taylor Caldwell

What would the world look like if you and I - as the first generations of resource-rich, informed, penicillin-protected, and free mothers
to have ever walked the planet - released ourselves from the burden of
stories told for us and began to see ourselves for the incredibly powerful, important, worthy, and inherently beautiful beings we really are? I believe the outcome would change the course of history. ~ Beth Berry

Cricket could tell Enkai was holding back tears, and wishing to comfort him, she took his hand. They sat in silence for a long time, just holding hands, and when Cricket heard Enkai sniff, she knew he was crying.
"You should go. You shouldn't see me . . ."
"What?" said Cricket at once. "Be a person? Have feelings? Here . . ." She took a washcloth from the nightstand and dabbed his tears away. "I cried when I lost my friends. One of them died to get me here too."
"I'm sorry," Enkai said, blinking sympathetically as Cricket wiped his face.
Cricket smiled. "No, it's alright. I still see her sometimes." She dropped her eyes to the washcloth as she contently folded it and set it aside.
Enkai frowned. "You're weird, Cricket," he said with a laugh, and Cricket laughed as well. "But . . ." he added, "I guess that's why I like you. ~ Ash Gray

Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster. ~ Lois Greiman

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all. ~ Dave Barry

I should never do anything pre-coffee.

'It was only a teeny fire,' I told my uncle over the phone. ~ Cindy Brown

I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it's more of a large and tastfully decorated foyer than a threshold. But I do get easily bored ~ Cassandra Clare

The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes. ~ Bauvard

My say is this: when you live in a worldwide bullring, bullshit is what you'll get. If they say I cannot be my mother's son, then it must be that I'm her daughter. ~ A. Igoni Barrett

Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats! ~ Dylan Moran

Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?
I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself! ~ Terry Pratchett

Having no other recourse, Roran resorted to the unexpected: he stuck his head and neck out and shouted, "BAH!" just as he would if he were trying to scare someone in a dark hallway ... ~ Christopher Paolini

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday." ~ Steven Wright

If you cry 'Forward' you must be sure to make clear the direction in which to go. Don't you see that if you fail to do that and simply call out the word to a monk and a revolutionary, they will go in precisely opposite directions? ~ Anton Chekhov

The hood burnt my ass."
Gavin smirked and pulled his T-shirt over his head. He spread it out across the hood, picked Emily back up, and set her on top of it. "And here I was thinking your ass couldn't get any hotter. ~ Gail McHugh

Fuck, Christina."
"Yes, fuck Christina. I think she'd like that. ~ Nenia Campbell

Cricket glanced down when she saw a cookie slide under the wall. She plucked the cookie from the ground and bit into it, dirt and all. It was so disgusting, her eyes watered, but she was starving, so she choked it down. ~ Ash Gray

For some the journey of highschool was probably pleasent or easy like swimming down a stream or walking down the street, but for me it was like climbing up a muddy hill ... while its raining ... with no shoes. ~ Elizabeth S. Rolph

I glanced up to see Liz and smiled. "Thank you."
"I just went along for the ride. After that happened-" She waved at Derek. "You know how blind people need Seeing Eye dogs? Well, apparently werewolves could really use Opening Door poltergeists. ~ Kelley Armstrong

My parents were divorced when I was a young teenager, and I was raised by a single mother after that. So, I understand the difficulties that families have. I understand single parenting. ~ Michele Bachmann

In the middle of a grocery store, two children were horsing around (one holding the other in a headlock) when the mother turned abruptly to give them a stern reprimand.
'You two are old enough to know better than to behave this way in public! Could you - at least for the time we're in this store - mind your manners enough to act like an adult?'
The children took less than a moment to consider their mother's question before facing each other and engaging in the following conversation:
'I hate you.'
'I hate you too.'
'Let's get a divorce.'
'Okay.'
Perhaps 'act like an adult' isn't such good advice anymore. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

I would be the first to admit that I drew attention to my chest since, being so short, I need to give people a reason to look down far enough to see me. ~ Meredith Schorr