Humor Funny Absurd Quotes

I wish happiness was some edible food easily available in stores... Oh wait, it is. ~ Hk

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. ~ Rita Rudner

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. ~ Henny Youngman

They told me that nothing was a sin, just a poor life choice. Poor impulse control. That nothing is evil. Any concept of right versus wrong, according to them, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. They said that if anything should force us to modify our personal behavior it should be our allegiance to a social contract, not some vague, externally imposed threat of flaming punishment. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact. ~ Erma Bombeck

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ~ Henny Youngman

The Cards lead the Dodgers 4-2 after one inning and that one hasn't even started. ~ Jerry Coleman

Gaylord Perry and Willie McCovey should know each other like a book. They've been ex-teammates for years now. ~ Jerry Coleman

Lea, you know you should never have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent. ~ Christine Zolendz

With a hand full of beer and a heart full of cheer, I'm as Irish as I can get, but add good times and some quick funny lines… and gold I make leprechauns sh!t. Sláinte! - Jess ~ Jon Bendera

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. ~ Milton Berle

I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers. ~ Rudyard Kipling

Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me."
Natalya hissed, "Are you mad?"
"What's she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We've got a pact to fulfill,remember?"
To Dorada, she cried, "Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here."
Regin kicked the glass. "Lemme the fuck out - "
La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.
"Okay. That's freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I'll help you find your Precious. ~ Kresley Cole

First rule of thievery,' Eli said, grinning, 'only run if you're not coming back.' ( ... ) 'First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.' Miranda rolled her eyes. 'How many 'first rules' of thievery do you have?' 'When one mistake can mean your head on a pike, every rule's a first rule,' Eli said cheerfully. ~ Rachel Aaron

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. ~ Chris Rock

Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness. ~ George W. Bush

In Italy, for the same price as a typical British hamburger meal including sweet, a builder's labourer could eat like a king - rather better in fact, because pasta dishes gain from being kept simple. ~ Clive James

Daddy," said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, "you are a poo-poo head!"
Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. "John," he said, "no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head. ~ Christopher Andersen

I am always happy, because whenever I am sad I just know that somewhere, somehow, there is a person who is PUSHING a door that says PULL. ~ Auliq Ice

Volvos are fundamentally invisible. ~ John Sandford

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready. ~ George Lopez

It's not that I can't express myself,
it's that I still feel present when I'm not expressing myself. ~ Kim Myungsoo

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl. ~ Dylan Moran

-"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid. ~ Lloyd Alexander

God-fucking-damn but he was seriously good-looking. "Have you ever had the stuffed pancakes here? They're evil. I highly recommend them."
"Heh. The cop is recommending evil," I said. "Too funny."
To my surprise, Ivanov chuckled. "You've discovered my dark side. ~ Diana Rowland

Funny stories on set - there are thousands of them, but they are only funny to the people who were on the movies. You start to have inside jokes and gallows humor. You have all kinds of things you laugh at, but as soon as you tell somebody, the joke falls flat because they don't know the context of it. ~ Bruce Campbell

It takes all sorts of people to make the underworld. ~ Don Marquis

V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination. ~ Carrie Vaughn

The reason for the peculiar name could be found in the whimsical sense of humor of the early colonists who arrived on Deanna several decades in the past and found very little at all there to laugh at. Obsidian Crows might seem funny at first, unless you just happened to ride over one with your Jeepo five miles out of town and didn't have a spare tire. Although there was a reasonable expectation of hitting one of these diminutive brutes on the roads, this did not happen nearly as often as you might think. ~ Christina Engela

How's your head?" the larger man asked.
"Do me a favor and cut it off," Black muttered. "It's more pain than it's worth right
now. ~ Tricia Owens

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning ... That can keep me awake for days.. ~ Billy Connolly

Someone once said writing and gardening are similar pursuits. Tell you what, I'd have one fucked up garden if that were the case. ~ Carla H. Krueger

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? ~ Steven Wright

I was skydiving horizontally. ~ Steven Wright

The comic spirit is given to us in order that we may analyze, weigh, and clarify things in us which nettle us, or which we are outgrowing, or trying to reshape ~ Thornton Wilder