Humor Facts Quotes

Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts. ~ Sarah Silverman

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. ~ Mark Twain

Could dump two Chinee down in one of our maria and they would get rich selling rocks to each other while raising twelve kids. Then a Hindu would sell retail stuff he got from them wholesale
below cost at a fat profit. We got along. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

These descriptions do really state the truth- as nearly as the limitations of language will allow. But language is a treacherous thing, a most unsure vehicle, and it can seldom arrange descriptive words in such a way that they will not inflate the facts-by help of the readers imagination, which is always ready to take a hand, and work for nothing, and do the bulk of it at that. ~ Mark Twain

Like all true stories, it was a mix of legends and facts, of myths imagined and deeds done, of the heart of darkness and the crown of light, of experiences borne and gaps filled, of things seen and visions that could only be authenticated by the mind's eye. ~ Ken Liu

Cassius couldn't take any more. "Okay, that's enough. We're done here." His heart hammered, his palms were sweating, and his knees felt wobbly. "We've changed our minds. Just put it back. ~ Gabrielle Evans

Judge not, lest ye be punched in the face for being a self-righteous prick. ~ Jim C. Hines

There will be an "INCIDENT. ~ Amber Hendricks

It took nearly a year to finish the ever-changing [marriage candidates] list, with the assistance of his sister and his aging spinster aunt, who lorded over their affairs as the self-appointed voice of cultivated reason. During this time, Gabriel struggled to convince straight-from-Oxford Tristan that he must marry, produce heirs, and maintain the family dukedom for Gabriel himself wouldn't marry. He knew he simply did not have the compulsion to inflict that sort of aggravation on a woman. ~ Olivia Parker

I had a dream about you… but I don't know you…who are you? ~ Rodney Jenkins

The balanced adult retains an inner child. The secret is to know when to put him away. ~ Anthony North

He turned the entire living room into an airport, complete with a four-foot-high LEGO traffic control tower and a fleet of paper planes, plastic army pilots taped safely into their cockpits. From deep beneath the couch, a large utility flashlight illuminates some sort of...landing strip? I crouch down for a better look.
Oh. My. God.
Stuck to the carpet in parallel, unbroken paths from one wall to the other are two lanes of brand-new maxi pads. Plastic dinosaurs stand guard at every fourth pad–triceratops and T rexes on one side, brontosauruses and pterodactyls on the other–protecting the airport from enemy aircraft and/or heavy flow. ~ Sarah Ockler

I could think of no better place to secretly murder someone than inside a fridge. Well, actually there were probably several better ones, but none came to mind at the time. ~ Yahtzee Croshaw

Go to the Black Sea, meet new people, see beautiful places, get killed by a mutant carnivorous kangaroo goat. One item off my bucket list. ~ Ilona Andrews

Every single person I've seen in the past few days asks me about the Leg.
How is it?
How's the Leg?
The Leg is attached. Thanks for asking. There's The Leg right there. It's on display, always outside of the sheets and blanket, although the whole thing is still so wrapped up it looks like I borrowed The Leg from some ancient Egyptian mummy.
How's The Leg?
It seems a bit mummyish, thanks. ~ Michael Grant

Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my turn, you know? You're not part of the team if you haven't been tortured- that's what I always say. Well, I'll be saying that from now on anyway. ~ Derek Landy

...You can always tell a Party Girl by her foot tattoo... ~ Inejiro Koizumi

We're all under the streetlamps, everyone's the color of day-old piss. When I'm fifty, this is how I'll remember my friends: tired and yellow and drunk. ~ Junot Diaz

The facts that make the world real
these depend on the unreal in order to be recognised by it. ~ Ingeborg Bachmann

The Ten Worst Songs to Strip To: 1. That Midnight Oil song about aborigines ~ Diablo Cody

Trellis wants his salutary book to be read by all. He realizes that purely a moralizing tract would not reach the public. Therefore he is putting plenty of smut into his book. ~ Flann O'Brien

[Seeing clearly] is not so difficult to achieve, and yet it is rather unusual. To my mind, it is less a question of an exalted or shrewd intelligence than of good sense, goodwill and a certain sort of courage to enable one to rise above both the pressures of one's environment and the natural inclination to close one's eyes to facts, a temptation that arises from our immediate interests and from the fear which problems inspire in us. A French essayist has said: 'What is terrible when you seek the truth, is that you find it.' You find it, and then you are no longer free to follow the biases of your personal circle, or to accept fashionable cliches. ~ Victor Serge

Eat ten of your five a day and live twice as long ~ Benny Bellamacina

The last words he said to me when I bade him good-night were:
Tell Amy it's no good coming after me. Anyhow, I shall change my hotel, so she wouldn't be able to find me.'
My own impression is that she's well rid of you,' I said.
My dear fellow, I only hope you'll be able to make her see it. But women are very unintelligent. ~ W. Somerset Maugham

From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success ... I'm just here to cash in. ~ Bill Watterson

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup. ~ H.L. Mencken

ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection. ~ Ambrose Bierce

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing. ~ Dave Attell

What is [insert name here]? Does it taste good? ~ Ken Akamatsu

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot. ~ Bo Burnham

Isn't it time you gave yourself a healthy dose of self-love?
The fact is, you deserve it. You are a magnificent, radiant being. You are divine. And you are awesome. The sooner you start embracing that and treating yourself accordingly, the sooner your life will begin to unfold with compassion, purpose, ease, health, and vitality. ~ Kris Carr

Look, Mrs. McGillicuddy, it's not my fault your son jumped out a dorm room window on Christmas eve. I've written over fifty books as a Columbia professor, all right? You don't do that by holding hands with every at-risk undergraduate who says he's homesick, or he's turning gay, or the dog ate his term paper. I write about Lincoln, and freedom, and great ideas. I don't always have time for students. It's like Dean Martin used to say: if you want to talk, go to a priest.
Hey
what's the gun for? ~ Eric Foner

What did you say to them?"
"Told them I was Stan Shunpike. First person I could think of."
"And they believed that?"
"They weren't the brightest. One of them was definitely part troll, the smell off him…"
Ron glanced at Hermione, clearly hopeful she might soften at this small instance of humor, but her expression remained stony above her tightly knotted limbs.
"Anyway, they had a row about whether I was Stan or not. It was a bit pathetic to be honest, but there were still five of them and only one of me and they'd taken my wand. Then two of them got into a fight and while the others were distracted I managed to hit the one holding me in the stomach, grabbed his wand, Disarmed the bloke holding mine, and Disapparated. I didn't do it so well, Splinched myself again"--Ron held up his right hand to show two missing fingernails; Hermione raised her eyebrows coldly--"and I came out miles from where you were. By the time I got back to that bit of riverbank where we'd been…you'd gone."
"Gosh, what a gripping story," Hermione said in the lofty voice she adopted when wishing to wound. "You must have been simply terrified. Meanwhile we went to Godric's Hollow and, let's think, what happened there, Harry? Oh yes, You-Know-Who's snake turned up, it nearly killed both of us, and then You-Know-Who himself arrived and missed us by about a second."
"What?" Ron said, gaping from her to Harry, but Hermione ignored him.
"Imagine losing fingernails, Harry! ~ J.K. Rowling

I meow now?" hissed J.Lo when she was gone. "What comes next? Do I juggle fire?"
"Look, I'm sorry, but it's good this happened. Mrs. Hoegaarden will probably tell people you meow, and we'll spread the word, too, and soon if anybody hears Pig they'll just think it's you."
"Yes!" droned J.Lo, throwing his hand up. "A foolproof plan! Thank Mother Ocean that you do not use your genius for evil. ~ Adam Rex

The moment our discourse rises above the ground-line of familiar facts, and is inflamed with passion or exalted thought, it clothes itself in images. A man conversing in earnest, if he watch his intellectual processes, will find that always a material image, more or less luminous, arises in his mind, contemporaneous with every thought, which furnishes the vestment of the thought ... This imagery is spontaneous. It is the blending of experience with the present action of the mind. It is proper creation. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

First rule of cleavage: it's not how low you go, but where and when you show. ~ Elisabeth Dale

I didn't want her turned, against both her will and nature, into those diligent, sad women who are bent on a lifelong course of quiet servitude, forever in fear of showing, saying, or doing the wrong thing. Women who are admired by some in the West- here in France, for instance- turned into heroines for their hard lives, admired from a distance by those who couldn't bear even one day of walking in their shoes. Women who see their desires doused and their dreams renounced, and yet- and this is the worst of it- if you meet them, they smile and pretend they have no misgivings at all. As though they lead enviable lives. But you look closely and you see the helpless looks, the desperation, and how it belies all their show of good humor. I did not want this for my daughter. ~ Khaled Hosseini

You can pipe anything to anything else, and usually it'll do something. With most of the standard Linux tools, it'll even do what you expect. ~ Scott Simpson

Beware the dark stranger! He rides a unicycle! ~ Stephen King

I could do nothing without my problems; they toughen my mind. In fact, I tell my assistants not to bring me their successes for they weaken me, but rather to bring me their problems, for they strengthen me. ~ Charles Kettering

At the end of the warehouse was a dais constructed from pallets of books: stack of vampire novels, walls of James Patterson thrillers, and a throne from about a thousand copies of something called The Five Habits of Highly Aggressive Women. ~ Rick Riordan

I think, as an artist, whether you're making people laugh or cry or be frustrated or excited - the fact that you're generating some sort of emotion out of an audience is, to me, worth it. ~ Elisha Cuthbert

Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if you're wet. ~ Sean Lock