Humor Banter Quotes

How about I call you when I finish this?"
"But you don't even have my phone number," he said.
"I strongly suspect you write it in the book. ~ John Green

I'm the warlock who's here to cure you. Didn't they tell you I was coming?"
"I know who you are, but ... " Maia looked dazed. "You look so ... so ... shiny. ~ Cassandra Clare

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. ~ Henny Youngman

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' ~ Tommy Cooper

While the churches, bringing the sweet smell of piety for the soul, came in prancing and farting like brewery horses in bock-beer time, the sister evangelism, with release and joy for the body, crept in.
silently and greyly, with its head bowed and its face covered. ~ John Steinbeck

Dave put a lot of thought into picking out the books his dad would like least. ~ Theric Jepson

Mmmm, Kate, the Chief of Security. Sexy. Who better to guard my body then the woman who owns it?"
"Curran, I will punch you. ~ Ilona Andrews

No single thing abides; and all things are fucked up. ~ Philip K. Dick

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. ~ Steven Wright

Do you ever get the feeling that something awful might happen?' James asked me ... I sat up. 'I'm the awful thing that happens. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

And we love you but I have to ask you to help me, to help us, please."

"How?" I asked, "By pretending nothing ever happened? Act as if she and I were strangers? Stand the way your sister acts towards me after all of what we had? Forget my story by her side? Are you asking me for that, Gabriel, for God's sake?"

"It sounds pretty bad when you put it like that…" Gabriel said, "but yes, pretty much. ~ Emiliano Campuzano

Don't discuss your relationship problems with friends. Your zombie problems are another story entirely. ~ Jesse Petersen

The Doctor: I've seen bigger.
Clara: Really?
The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive! ~ Steven Moffat

People disappear when they die. Their voice, their laughter, the warmth of their breath. Their flesh. Eventually their bones. All living memory of them ceases. This is both dreadful and natural. Yet for some there is an exception to this annihilation. For in the books they write they continue to exist. We can rediscover them. Their humor, their tone of voice, their moods. Through the written word they can anger you or make you happy. They can comfort you. They can perplex you. They can alter you. All this, even though they are dead. Like flies in amber, like corpses frozen in the ice, that which according to the laws of nature should pass away is, by the miracle of ink on paper, preserved. It is a kind of magic. ~ Diane Setterfield

Not long ago, I advertised for perverse rules of grammar, along the lines of "Remember to never split an infinitive" and "The passive voice should never be used." The notion of making a mistake while laying down rules ("Thimk," "We Never Make Misteaks") is highly unoriginal, and it turns out that English teachers have been circulating lists of fumblerules for years. As owner of the world's largest collection, and with thanks to scores of readers, let me pass along a bunch of these never-say-neverisms:

* Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
* Don't use no double negatives.
* Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it isn't.
* Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed.
* Do not put statements in the negative form.
* Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
* No sentence fragments.
* Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
* Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
* If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
* A writer must not shift your point of view.
* Eschew dialect, irregardless.
* And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
* Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
* Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
* Writers should always hyphenate between ~ William Safire

Haruhi: This story has everything but the kitchen sink in it. ~ Bisco Hatori

You know you're in the wrong century when you farble the poor young woman at the cosmetics counter thus: "Why do they put the mascara in little amphorae?!? We're not trying to transport it in Barbie doll merchant vessels - we just want it to stand up on the counter." If her face had been any blanker, her features would have disappeared. ~ Tinney S. Heath

A week ago someone warned me not to buy the blueberry muffins at Eddie's, but I didn't listen and bought them anyway. Now at odd hours I get these insatiable cravings."
"They're laced with addictive substances. ~ Kasie West

I'm worried that the lady's going to be a hooker - and you're afraid she's BETTY CROCKER!

Molly Jane Fletcher ~ Jean Davies Okimoto

A girl can still admire, can't she? Even those who can't afford to go in the store can still window-shop. Right? Knowing he wasn't for me didn't mean I couldn't covet the merchandise. ~ Colleen Houck

Its Batteries! I just know it! ~ Alison

You could paint my nob tartan and call it Throb Roy. ~ Timothy Lea

I believe in irony. And if V-Day has taught me anything, it's that if you go out with artistic, outrageous irony and humor, people are drawn to it. ~ Eve Ensler

I devised a sort of strategy for any sort of discussion that was over my head: I became the moderator. If you're the group's John McLaughlin, you can fake being informed while still being involved by deploying a few pointed but vague questions. If a person is holding forth and another is twitching to interrupt, jump in and ask her why she disagrees. Ask follow-up questions. Nod vigorously while saying things like 'in what sense?' or 'How, specifically?' That way, you smoothly take control of the conversation without actually contributing anything even remotely worthwhile or informative. ~ Jancee Dunn

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.' ~ Demetri Martin

You kids were all planned, you were just planned really, really quickly. ~ Candace Allan

To begin with, for you to be here now, trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. For the next many years (we hope) these tiny particles will uncomplainingly engage in all the billions of deft, cooperative efforts necessary to keep you intact and let you experience the supremely agreeable but generally under appreciated state known as existence ~ Bill Bryson

Danny squinted up at the sky and saw--nothing. No moon. No stars. Nothing. The heavens were buried in clouds. Big fat black ones. No wonder it felt like rain. One never really expects that in San Diego.

Of course, one never really expects to find a serial killer chopping people up on the other side of their back fence either. The world was packed full of surprises. Sort of like a piñata. ~ John Inman

Richard [Griffiths] was by my side during two of the most important moments of my career. In August 2000, before official production had even begun on Potter, we filmed a shot outside the Dursleys', which was my first ever shot as Harry. I was nervous and he made me feel at ease. Seven years later, we embarked on 'Equus' together. It was my first time doing a play but, terrified as I was, his encouragement, tutelage and humor made it a joy. In fact, any room he walked into was made twice as funny and twice as clever just by his presence. ~ Daniel Radcliffe

Our father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,
hollow be thy promises
and shallow be thy shame.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
On a scale from on to ten,
our Lord is totally eleven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
toasted close to dawn,
and forgive us our trespasses
as we shoot those who trespass on our lawn,
and lead us not into temptation,
such as pot or porno,
but deliver us from evil
(if not delivery, then DiGiorno). ~ Bo Burnham

She wears those old fashioned pj's like body armour. Going to bed these days is like wresting with Kevlar. ~ Poppet

Life is a Game; More you play, More you learns ~ Harishankar Kaushik Hsk

WGrayson7: yeah. what are you doing up at 1:33:48?
willupleasebequiet: waiting to see if 1:33:49 is any better. you? ~ John Green

Xavier, you have given me more grey hairs than all my sons put together.' Saul frowned, then corrected himself. 'To be fair, you and Zed. Just try not to add to them tonight. ~ Joss Stirling

Not," Caroline had said, "that I disapprove of your moniker. It is simply that my husband's name is also Henry, and it's rather disconcerting for me to use it on a girl of your tender years."
Henry had only smiled and told her that that was just fine. It had been so long since she had had a maternal figure that she would have been inclined to let Caroline call her Esmerelda if she so desired. ~ Julia Quinn

Pam's father had been diagnosed with rectal cancer. It didn't surprise me. Put a bunch of white assholes together and you're going to find that going around. ~ Stephen King

The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green. ~ Dave Barry

Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded ~ Yogi Berra