Humor Baby Quotes

She pulled down the blanket and aimed baby Sophie's bottom at him like she might unleash a fusillade of weapons-grade poopage such as the guileless Beta Male had never seen. ~ Christopher Moore

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. ~ Steven Wright

I live for a woman who scratches, just make sure to keep it on the back, baby, I dont like scars." ~Otto Carvalletti ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

My parents and I always put great emphasis on telling stories that appeal to a child's sense of humor. ~ Mike Berenstain

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. ~ George Bernard Shaw

In the South, our lives kind of revolve around food and taking care of people with food. If someone was sick, or if they had had a baby, or if they had lost a loved one, or even if they lost a job, my momma was at their door with pie or a cake or something to help them feel better. ~ Kimberly Schlapman

Zach shoveled another spoonful of Fruit Loops cereal with milk into his mouth. "It is not possible!"
"How do you know? Just because there's no proof to prove it, there's no proof to disprove it either."
"You're trying to make me crazy, aren't you?"
"Not at all." Sara put her bowl down. "I'm just saying there could be bunny shifters."
"There are no bunny shifters!"
Shaking her head she accused, "You're a bunny bigot."
Zach threw his spoon back in the near-empty bowl. "And there is no such thing as bunny bigots. ~ Shelly Laurenston

Shepley walked out of his bedroom pulling a T-shirt over his head. His eyebrows pushed together. "Did they just leave?"

"Yeah," I said absently, rinsing my cereal bowl and dumping Abby's leftover oatmeal in the sink. She'd barely touched it.

"Well, what the hell? Mare didn't even say goodbye."

"You knew she was going to class. Quit being a cry baby."

Shepley pointed to his chest. "I'm the cry baby? Do you remember last night?"

"Shut up."

"That's what I thought." He sat on the couch and slipped on his sneakers. "Did you ask Abby about her birthday?"

"She didn't say much, except that she's not into birthdays."

"So what are we doing?"

"Throwing her a party." Shepley nodded, waiting for me to explain. "I thought we'd surprise her. Invite some of our friends over and have America take her out for a while."

Shepley put on his white ball cap, pulling it down so low over his brows I couldn't see his eyes. "She can manage that. Anything else?"

"How do you feel about a puppy?"

Shepley laughed once. "It's not my birthday, bro."

I walked around the breakfast bar and leaned my hip against the stool. "I know, but she lives in the dorms. She can't have a puppy."

"Keep it here? Seriously? What are we going to do with a dog?"

"I found a Cairn Terrier online. It's perfect."

"A what?"

"Pidge is ~ Jamie McGuire

I think the Book burned it, poor guy. ~ Kami Garcia

And if Germans do have systematic minds, this is just as likely to be because their exceedingly erratic mother tongue has exhausted their brains' capacity to cope with any further irregularity ~ Guy Deutscher

But all I could think of was taking some books to read in jail. I held everybody up, choosing which ones to take. ~ John Clellon Holmes

Nick could see the gun shaking in Alan's hand now, in tight, terrified spasms. "Last night we put a magician in the river," Alan said, his voice low and intense as if he was making a promise."Maybe we should send you to join him."
"You know the rules," the woman whispered. "Don't shoot the messenger."
Nick interrupted, leaning down to speak in her ear. "Do they say 'Don't cut the messenger in half with your great big sword'? ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

I could tell you what my good qualities are. There's my honesty; I have a very wacky, kind of dry humor that a lot of people don't get to see. ~ Shannen Doherty

Good morning, Meroe,' I said, dusting uselessly at my tracksuit pants. 'Might I interest you in today's special, pre-floured kitten? ~ Kerry Greenwood

When the strong healthy boy, howling at the indignity of the birth process, was put to her breast, she felt a wild tenderness for him, The other baby, Francis, in the crib next her bed, began to whimper. Katie had a flash of contempt for the weak child she had borne a year ago, when she compared her to this new handsome son. She was quickly ashamed of hr contempt. She knew it wasn't the little girl's fault. "I must watch myself carefully," she thought. "I am going to love this boy more than the girl but I mustn't ever let her know. It is wrong to love one child more than the other but this is something that I cannot help. ~ Betty Smith

I feel like a von Trapp," Ruby said between puffs, "But fatter, older and with absolutely no energy for singing. ~ Kate Morton

Someone asked me what the key to being a good frontman was, and I think having a sense of humor about it is pretty near the top of that list. It's a very strange place to be in, and I don't take that role too seriously. ~ Alex Turner

I washed mud off of mud. ~ Steven Wright

I think they've been baby bummers. ~ Suze Orman

That's the trouble with cookbooks. Like sex education and nuclear physics, they are founded on an illusion. They bespeak order, but they end in tears. ~ Anthony Lane

I put a chameleon on a red dildo... He blushed ~ Bo Burnham

There is nothing that I so greatly admire as purposefulness. I have an enormous respect for people who know exactly what they are doing and where they are going. Such people are compact and integrated. They have clear edges. They give an impression of invulnerability and balance, and I wish I were one of them. ~ Louise Dickinson Rich

That scent she threw off was not anything by Chanel. Unless they'd recently added a Tragedy line. ~ J.R. Ward

It's just ... " She scrubbed a hand across her face. "I keep looking for someone to share life with, someone patient. Not afraid of a mop or use the stove. Even-tempered, understanding, not allergic to emotion." She closed her eyes momentarily. "Someone sweet."
Hunter stifled a grimace. She was describing a female with a penis. ~ Shayla Black

I have found being a mother has made me emotionally raw in many situations. You heart is beating outside your body when you have a baby. ~ Kate Beckinsale

Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda) ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Rei glanced over at me and nodded. "Exactly, Dieter. Just avoid having the cattle and keep walking." I cleared my throat. "A cow. It's 'don't have a cow.'" Rei frowned. "I fail to see why it must be a female. ~ B. Justin Shier

He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us! ~ David Sedaris

A pregnancy tore up our lives. It's going to tear up hers. There's no hiding from that. A pregnancy's one of those things that doesn't hide well. It's kind of like trying to ignore an elephant in the living room. ~ Jennifer Greene

The waiters in France could all be senators in the US. ~ Natasha Leggero

Mornings and I had a falling out many years ago. We avoid one another as much as polite society dictates we may. ~ Megan Derr

I just don't want to have more people to lose. It sounds mental, but I'd rather be alone than be devastated when things don't work out and he leaves. Or something horrible happens and I lose him entirely. ~ H.M. Ward

For me, the best thing about Cyberpunk is that it taught me how to enjoy shopping malls, which used to terrify me. Now I just imagine the whole thing is two miles below the moon's surface, and that half the people's right-brains have been eaten by roboticized steel rats. And suddenly it's interesting again. ~ Rudy Rucker

I warned you the next time you spread your legs for me, I wouldn't be a gentleman. Did you expect a gentleman, Chelsea?" Rate St. Sebastian ~ Samanthe Beck

In the beginning William Shakespeare was a baby, and knew absolutely nothing. He couldn't even speak. ~ Mary Ruefle

I have hardly seen my baby for six weeks; have been at the office from nine A.M. to eleven P.M. regularly. ~ Franklin Knight Lane

Ted kisses Rachel with tongue and squeezes her ass. In doing so, he discovers that it is possible to enjoy something and yet not care about it in the slightest. He finds this sensation - feeling pleasure, and simultaneously feeling detached from the pleasure - to be, itself, quite pleasurable. He wonders if he has miraculously become a Buddhist, or suffered a psychotic break. ~ Kristen Roupenian

When will they make a tractor that can furnish the manure for farm fields and produce a baby tractor every spring? ~ George Erik Rupp

It's a love/hate relationship, baby. I love how they look on you. Hate that they're blocking my access. ~ Samantha Towle

It was Lisa, aged five, whose mother asked her to thank my wife for the peas we had sent them from our garden. 'I thought the peas were awful, I wish you and Mrs. Thurber were dead, and I hate trees,' said Lisa. ~ James Thurber

He's cutting off circulation to my balls! If you want great grandchildren, woman, do something! Joshua sputtered ~ R.L. Mathewson

We will keep a commitment to pluralism and not discriminate for or against Methodist or Mormons or Muslims or good people with no faith at all. ~ George W. Bush

I'm not hungry!' A human voice, but with a sulky whine in it that suggested that its owner had been given too many sweets when he was young and not enough shoutings-at. It was the kind of voice that's used to having its life with the crusts cut off. ~ Terry Pratchett

If after hearing my songs just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or perhaps to strike a loved one it will all have been worth the while. ~ Tom Lehrer

It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive. ~ Frankie Boyle

It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane! ~ Ellery Adams

Don't tell me you have OCD about this?"
"OCD, ADHD - pretty sure if they come up with some new acronym tomorrow I'd have it. ~ Cyma Rizwaan Khan