Grim Humor Quotes

My uncle worked in emergency wards dealing with people who came in with terrible injuries. He talked about the sketch shows they would put on to lighten the atmosphere. You often find this sense of grim humor in hospitals. The injuries people are suffering are ghastly. You have to laugh at something or you'd otherwise cry. ~ Honeysuckle Weeks

I'm not like her. I don't steal people."
Mr. Tibbalt watched her, saying nothing.
The silence made Victoria bristle. "Well, I don't. ~ Claire Legrand

In life there are squares and there are circles, sometimes it's best to be an oblong ~ Benny Bellamacina

The leader gives me another hard stare. He's not very old, but he's going bald. His wispy pale hair looks like it's trying to get as far away as it can from his angry face. ~ Morris Gleitzman

A female may be poor or delicate or a spinster, but it does seem ill-advised of Miss Liddiard to combine all three. ~ Zen Cho

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing. ~ Joss Whedon

Sometimes stupid is crime enough. ~ Lois Greiman

{Replying to G. H. Hardy's suggestion that the number of a taxi (1729) was 'dull', showing off his spontaneous mathematical genius}

No, it is a very interesting number; it is the smallest number expressible as a sum of two cubes in two different ways, the two ways being 13 + 123 and 93 + 103. ~ Srinivasa Ramanujan

Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: and how she would gather about her other little children, and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days. ~ Lewis Carroll

Better to operate with detachment, then; better to have a way but infuse it with a little humor; best, to have no way at all but to have instead the wit constantly to make one's way anew from the materials at hand. ~ Lewis Hyde

There are no maps. You can't map a sense of humor. ~ Terry Pratchett

Not another word, not another thought, not another sniffle. If you need to pass gas, I pray you'll clench your backside and keep walking until we are certainly alone. ~ S.C. Barrus

Our conversation starts out pretty normal. Matthew does most of the talking, as usual. He tells me about Wesley. He tells me everything. Well, almost everything. I was lucky enough to stop him before he got into the explicit details. Wesley also helped by nudging him with his shoulder. He even covered Matthew's mouth when the conversation took a sudden turn because the word package was used. Yeah, the conversation went from sweet and romantic to soft-core porn in about two seconds. ~ L. Arthur

A keen wit stabs harder than a finely honed argument. ~ Rachel Hartman

Computers are heaven-sent when they work and hell-spawn when they don't.
There's just not much middle ground when it comes to technology. ~ Dani Harper

Who was the moron on the phone?"
"Carl Avery," Kate said. "A long-standing client and potential felon. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener and says, 'I am one of you, I understand,' and implicitly it promises, 'I will do something about your problems. ~ Robert Orben

The secret to humor is surprise. ~ Aristotle.

People have found her somber, but it is sometimes because her humor is so deadpan dry that it escapes many. ~ Irin Carmon

Frankly, the only good people who I know are dogs. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I warned you the next time you spread your legs for me, I wouldn't be a gentleman. Did you expect a gentleman, Chelsea?" Rate St. Sebastian ~ Samanthe Beck

I'm a big fan of independent girls who are strong-willed, vocal in their opinions, and have a sense of humor. ~ David Lambert

Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people. ~ Augusten Burroughs

Thank you." After rounding the couch, the young queen sat her hip on the cushy armrest. Her thoughts went back to the impromptu party in the commissary the night before. "I assume no Mishmorats or Viiduns are missing. Do you know if any real mischief took place last night after we left?"

"None you need to worry about," Ian told her. She could see he was hiding something by the twinkle in his eye.

"What happened?" she asked, certain he had a story to tell.

"Let's just say there may be an influx of soldiers visiting your garden."

Her eyes scrunched, unable to guess what he was talking about. "Okay, and why?"

Ian's shoulders jostled with a snicker. "Efren showed off your garden to Kira last night. She discovered the warm pond. You know how your sisters have a fondness for swimming in their underclothes."

"Oh great," Eena groaned.

"But don't worry about it too much, Queenie, there is a deterrent." Ian let go a laugh he couldn't quite stifle.

"What deterrent?" she asked, grinning at his amusement.

"Shanks likes to swim too."

"Oh?"

"Actually, he prefers skinny dipping."

"Ew! Ew, Ian, like I need that image in my head!"

(Now you know how I feel on a regular basis,) he said, cracking up.

After a moment of grossing out, Eena all but begged Ian, "Please, can we change the subject. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Men were just plain ridiculous with how little time it took them to get handsome. ~ Gina Robinson

Awash with trepidation, he was suddenly on the mattress, lured like an errant sailor onto a siren's rocky shore. ~ Kevin Ansbro

I came from a disadvantaged home. They were Republicans. ~ Paul Tsongas

You are one of the unfortunate ones whose body decays rapidly in the face of radiation poisoning. You hang your head over the toilet to vomit again and again, and die praying to the porcelain gods. ~ A.J. Lauer

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator. ~ Dylan Moran

What's your favorite movie? ... that should be our question. When we don't know what to say. Movies are a safe topic. What's wrong with the standard 'how's it going?' because all you get is 'Okay' or 'Fine', and then what? You're back where you started. It's a useless question. Like anyone is going to tell you how it's really going. ~ Lisa Schroeder

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. ~ Woody Allen

The hardest thing about writing a novel is getting it published. ~ Marianne Cushing

But I ain't puttin' it in de street. Ah'm tellin' you.'
'Ah jus lak uh chicken. Chicken drink water, but he don't pee-pee. ~ Zora Neale Hurston

The pillow whistled across the room and smacked him in the face. Nicolas smiled, satisfied. If he was going to die, this was the man he wanted to die beside. ~ Sarah M. Cradit

Joey, like an idiot, began clucking and calling to the calf, which only startled it into motion, and it raced off to join its parents.
"Moron," said Avani in a low voice.
"Oh, come on. What's the matter, Canada, did they confiscate your sense of humor at the airport? ~ Jessica Khoury

You have alerts set up for me?" I asked before I could consider my words.
Alex stared at me, his expression thoughtful. "Would it freak you out if I said I did?"
"A little, yes."
"Then, no."
I studied him for a beat. "You're lying."
"Correct. ~ Penny Reid

Mrs. Palmer is a teacher so naturally I assumed she would never do anything good for me. ~ Jim Benton

My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living. ~ Chelsea Handler

It turns out that one can perpetrate all manner of heinous villainy under a cloak of courtesy and good cheer ... a man will forfeit all sensible self-interest if he finds you affable enough to share your company over a flagon of ale. ~ Christopher Moore

But you shall not escape my iambics. ~ Catullus

Who enjoys life more? Well to start with, definitely the Living ~ Josh Stern

The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature. ~ Gail Honeyman

I wasn't a class clown, because my parents were very strict and because nuns in general have no sense of humor. I mean zero, zip, nada. I wasted some of my best stuff on those old hags! Look at these knuckles - those are ruler marks, and they're still visible all these years later. But I could usually get out of trouble at home if I could get my mom laughing. That's a huge ace up your sleeve as a kid. ~ Dan Alatorre

We'll have to fix your shoulder first," MacRuairi said. He turned him around, grabbing hold of the top of his arm. He handed Arthur his dagger. "Ready?"
Arthur put the wooden hilt between his teeth and nodded. The pain was extreme but quick. After a moment, he was able to roll his shoulder freely in the socket. "You've done that before?" Arthur said.
"Nay," MacRuairi said, a rare smile on his face. "But I've seen it done. I guess you're lucky I'm a quick study. ~ Monica McCarty

Mr. Phillips! Are you just getting in for the night? And Lord, have mercy! Where are your pants? ~ Will Willingham