Glenn Quagmire Funny Quotes

When I first met Jack, I was terrified of him. I wasn't expecting a fun, laughing, enjoyable, exciting guy. I walked into his office like most people, with my knees knocking together. I was scared. ~ Suzy Welch

Whatever works for the piece I'm thinking about is the way I write ... ~ Glenn Branca

The humor is essentially dark for a cartoon and sophisticated. But at the same time, being a cartoon gives the writers more freedom than in a normal sitcom. It always pushes the line that, despite human failings, the Simpsons are really decent people. ~ Dan Castellaneta

That's what I miss out of all this synthesized music - it starts to lose dynamics. ~ Glenn Frey

I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself ... I could do everything based on how I want to do things. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

The time to enjoy a European trip is about three weeks after unpacking. ~ George Ade

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two. ~ Ray Romano

One of my favorite sketches, and a popular comedy formula, is to put someone with a mental handicap in some kind of unlikely situation. For example: The retarded gynecologist, the retarded Jesus, the retarded Osama Bin Laden. It works. It's funny. Inappropriate? I dunno. I feel like I'm a pretty good judge of what crosses the line of good taste being that I am retarded. Socially perhaps, but severly retarded. ~ Bonnie McFarlane

I always thought of myself as some sort of athlete until I started playing golf a couple years ago. ~ James Caan

QUESTLOVE: How do you get that back? Does being downtrodden make us spiritual again?

WEST: I don't think it's just a matter of the material conditions; it's a matter of the choices that we make. Our ancestors could have chosen forms of spiritual suicide and spiritual blackout, but they decided not to, even in the midst of slavery, even in the midst of Jim Crow. Great-great grandma could have chosen to commit suicide. But she said no, her kids said no. The love said no. "I choose to be on the love train, even under slave-like conditions." That's a choice we make. All we have had as a people, historically - amid the levels of hatred, the social death of slavery, the civic death of Jim Crow, the psychological death of hating one's self, the spiritual death of giving up and selling out and caving in - all we have is a subversive memory, personal integrity, and courageous witness in the fight for justice. That's all we've got. You do away with the memory, and people can't hear the voice of a Glenn Jones or, my favorite, Gerald Levert. With no memory, you get very little artistic integrity, just a matter of stimulating people for the market, and then no creative witness. ~ Cornel West

The older Irene got, the more she swore. I remember when her grandson pooped in his diaper at his christening, she said, 'Holy shit,' loud enough for everyone to hear. The look on that priest's face! ~ Anita Diamant

Here's the thing. I met this girl, this beautiful woman who's unlike anyone I've ever met. She's funny, and brave ~ Denise Grover Swank

I have more respect for somebody who points at his ideal - in this case, the ideal of the pirate - and then becomes something that's more radical, more exciting, more subversive than a pirate could ever be. ~ Will Oldham

More gold has been mined from the thoughts of men than has been taken from the earth. ~ Napoleon Hill

Who changes their legal name to Yarn Goddess? I mean, for real. ~ Candace Havens

It's funny because all through the '80s I didn't do TV and movies very much. I prided myself that I was making a living in the theater. ~ Charles Kimbrough

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun. ~ Scott Adams

It's just that I have this funny objection to torturing small animals no matter how scrumptious their body parts might be ... Our food industries are equal opportunity abusers: cows, chickens, pigs, and a special mention to those little calves who for their short, miserable lives are locked into crates too small to allow movement just so we can eat veal. ~ Ron Reagan

We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings. ~ Aimee Bender

Had double chins all the way down to his stomach. ~ Mark Twain

There was some sort of commotion going on outside, and I decided I'd had enough. I went to the door and stuck my head out. Marco was gasping for breath on the sofa, and two of the guards were bent over a cell phone.
"What are you doing?" I demanded.
"Trying to record this," the smart-ass from the shopping trip told me. "Nobody is going to believe us otherwise."
"Well, cut it out. It isn't funny!"
"On what planet?"
I glared at him, which did no good,because he simply went back to to tinkering with the phone. So I looked at Marco. "Can't you do anything with them?"
Marco flopped a hand at me, tears streaming down his reddened cheeks, and tried to say something. But all that came out for several moments were asthmatic wheezes. I bent over his prone form, starting to worry about him, and he put a hand on my neck and pulled me down.
" It ... is ... funny," he gasped. ~ Karen Chance

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B. ~ Fats Domino

No man is greater than his respect for sleep. ~ Ogden Nash

Funny thing about getting proposed to in a shower. You can't tell which is water and which is tears. I said yes, and then he kissed me. I said yes, and then he touched me. I said yes, and then he slipped inside me. I said yes, yes, yes, and then he loved me. ~ Alice Clayton

He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought. ~ Darynda Jones

How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today." ~ Brian Regan

Try not to scream when I break your bones. It bothers me. You can cry if you want; that's fine."
He burst out laughing. I didn't realize that was a funny statement.
"Got it," he said, trying unsuccessful to cover his grin. "Screaming, no. Crying, yes ~ Amy Tintera

Isn't that funny, to think that the people who have lived in your daydreams for the past two weeks, the people whom you've drawn in your chemistry notebook, to think that those people might not even know who you are? ~ Leila Sales

Nothing will go wrong,Micheal said soothingly. Me and you? We've been through to much together. And your too unpleasant to die.Too bossy.God will keep you down here for a while until you learn your lesson and start learning to work and play well with others. Now your talking.Will you go with me a week from Friday when I get my biopsy? Wild horses and an evil head nurse with rubber gloves couldn't keep me away.
Now your just being gross. ~ Erica Orloff

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny. ~ Steve Martin

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood. ~ Bob Hope

For a Catholic kid in parochial school, the only way to survive the beatings - by classmates, not the nuns - was to be the funny guy. ~ George A. Romero

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom. ~ Alan King

They won't really shoot us, will they?" Faith whispered as they started forward.
"I'll pretend I'm in labor if they do any funny stuff," Angelina said in a low voice. "Pregnant women always scare the shit out of men. ~ Maya Banks

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I'm heaven's landscape painter. ~ Bauvard

Rumo!" said Rumo.
"That's right!" Smyke exclaimed. "You Rumo, me Smyke."
"You Rumo, me Smyke." Rumo repeated eagerly.
"No, no." Smyke chuckled. ~ Walter Moers

It was funny, Skip thought, how much attention children demanded the first few years of their lives and how hard adults strove ever after to get their attention. ~ Julie Smith

Why had she set limits like no sex? I want sex. ~ Cherise Sinclair

Warren returns from his room and sits back down at the table.
"I walked away for dramatic effect," he says. "I wasn't finished eating yet. ~ Colleen Hoover

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally ... erotically caressing each other ... on the hood of a car ... or the back of a movie theater ... ~ Kristen Schaal

Once you've heard the joke, it's not funny anymore, but it's the way it's told. And I think that's the same with the music: The reason some of my songs have lasted longer is there's a lot of stuff packed in there. You want to hear them more than once. ~ Tom Lehrer

It's so funny looking back, but my so-called overnight success actually took 15 years. I remember when I didn't have any money, and my only car was mom's Hyundai. ~ Criss Angel

It would be like a cleansing diet. The problem was, the only diet I'd ever been on backfired. Once I tried to go an entire month without chocolate. Not one bite. At the end of two weeks, I broke down and binged on more chocolate that I would have eaten in three months. I hoped my chocolate-free diet didn't foreshadow what would happen if I tried to avoid Patch. ~ Becca Fitzpatrick

Does it hurt?"
He bent his head and lightly kissed her forehead. "Only when I laugh."
"I'll try not to be funny."
"Epic fail, beautiful. ~ Rachel Caine

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage. ~ Bob Hope

...being so close to her again, feeling her hands on him, her eyes on him, made him want to rip down all of the bullshit walls they were both hiding behind. He just wanted to say everything he was feeling, everything he'd been thinking for weeks.

But he knew that he wouldn't. ~ Priscilla Glenn