Girl Humor Quotes

I don't eat chicken abortions! ~ Cecily Von Ziegesar

He was a beautiful pagan god with the voice of a serial killer, but that didn't make him any less god like. It just meant rather than dying in some dank basement or isolated cabin, I'd die bound on an altar as part of some gruesome sacrificial rite. Exsanguinating while he stood over my naked body with my blood dripping from an obsidian blade...Angelina Martin ~ Candace Vianna

If a girl doesn't have a sense of humor, then what would you have to talk about? ~ Josh Hartnett

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes. ~ Sarah Silverman

I loved to say quasi. I was saying it now a lot, instead of sort of, or kind of, and it had become a tic. "I am quasi ready to go," I would announce. Or, "I'm feeling a bit quasi today." Murph called me Quasimodo. Or Kami-quasi. Or wild and quasi girl. ~ Lorrie Moore

We were encouraged to propose safetyprevention suggestions, and write them all down - locking doors, walking or exercising with a friend, wearing shoes that don't hinder running. Erin's suggestion of "Avoid assholes" was popular. ~ Tammara Webber

It's been a while since I've had sex. I figured it was just like riding a bike, the only difference is that after a while, the bike doesn't turn you over and ride you. ~ Beatrice Stark Girl Detective

Erin: We get to beat the shit outta guys in those big puffy suits!!! I've always wanted to really kick the crap outta some guy's nuts. Now I can do it guilt-free!
Me: You're a sick girl.
Erin: Guilty as charged. ~ Tammara Webber

I think I killed a girl who looked like this once. ~ Kendare Blake

I don't have a crush on her! Yet!"
"Say no more, Dylan-whatever your middle name is-Blair!"
"David."
"Whatever. By the power and duty of big brother, I command you to not have a crush on my sister, until I know you better enough!"
"That's actually quite fair." "But I don't have a crush on her! ~ Rea Lidde

I'm gonna take a nap, Heaven," he said, wanting away from her to clear his head. He didn't like feeling uncomfortable in his house.
"Haven," she corrected him as he started to walk away.
"I know," he said. "I kinda like Heaven though."
She turned to him, and their eyes met for the first time since he'd walked into the room. "Me, too. ~ J.M. Darhower

Such a weird thing, isn't it.... to walk around for days every month bleeding. As girls, to just accept that a certain amount of our time will be spent cleaning up gore expelled from our own bodies, part of our income spent buying mass-produced bits of cotton wool to soak it up, part of our minds spent tracking, remembering and planning so that no one ever notices we're temporarily transformed into victims of satanic possession, blood gushing out of our uninjured bodies.... waking up at night with stuff of life smeared all over sheets, like you're in the middle of a fucking crime scene... Oh it's fine, it's normal. Jesus! No wonder men back away in fear. ~ Emily Maguire

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!" ~ Frank Carson

When I dreamed about becoming a fantasy adventurer, I was always a max-level character with epic gear. Look at me. I'm wearing vendor trash. ~ Noelle Alladania Meade

Sense of humor. A girl who doesn't take themselves too seriously. And someone who is spontaneous. They're the three things for me that really attract me to a girl. ~ Christopher Egan

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

If you ever put a student at this school in danger again-'
'Oh, I thought you Gallagher Girls were immune to danger.'
Despite the hundred girls the filled the foyer, no one moved or gasped or tried to defend our honor. We stood silently, waiting for our headmistress to say, 'Oh, we are quite used to being underestimated, Agent Townsend. In fact, we welcome it. ~ Ally Carter

If the girl of my dreams want a man with a hairless chest, I better dream of another girl ~ Haresh Daswani

The creature took one look at me screaming, got a panicked expression on its face, and started hollering too. "Aaaaahhhhhh!!!"

My scream petered out as I realized that this thing was as scared of me as I was of it. But that didn't make a whole lot of sense, since it was the creature, not me.

"What are you screaming for?" I asked.

"What are you screaming for?" he asked back.

"I asked you first."

The thing sniffed while dusting some imaginary lint off its jacket. "I was being polite."

"Polite?"

"Yes. I didn't want you to feel bad about being scared and screaming like a little human girl. ~ Elle Casey

Teresa stood up, surprising Thomas with her confidence.
"Guess he forgot to tell the little part about me kicking him in the groin and climbing out the window."
Thomas almost laughed as Newt turned to an older boy standing nearby, whose face had turned bright red.
"Congrats, Jeff," Newt said. "You're officially the first guy here to get your butt beat by a girl. ~ James Dashner

Girls can do anything boys can do in high heels! ~ Brooke Sachau

She had hit rock-bottom. She had given a blow job to a man who for all intents and purposes, was a bum. He had smelled so bad, she forced him to spray on some of the perfume she always carried in her purse. Her favorite perfume. After tonight, she was quitting. Yeah, she'd have to go back home with her two kids, grovel to her mama and work a dead-end job, but anything was better than getting down on your knees to give a guy as disgusting as Lenny a one-off. ~ A.T. Hicks

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.' ~ Adam Ferrara

Revolting' was the last word I ever spoke as someone who'd never kissed a girl. ~ David Mitchell

Multiplication is vexation, division is as bad, the rule of three perplexes me and fractions drive me mad!
(the story girl) ~ L.M. Montgomery

Finders keepers. Asshole. ~ Melissa Grey

I spent most of my life believing there would never be a Prince Charming out there for me. Kissing toads can have that effect on a girl. ~ Elizabeth A. Reeves

It's hot out there." I prowl toward her, pulling off my shirt. I maybe flex my abs a little- anything for my girl. ~ Ainsley Booth

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Anyway, it's like with bikes,' said the first speaker authoritatively. 'I thought I was going to get this bike with seven gears and one of them razorblade saddles and purple paint and everything, and they gave me this light blue one. With a basket. A girl's bike.'
'Well. You're a girl,' said one of the others.
'That's sexism, that is. Going around giving people girly presents just because they're a girl. ~ Terry Pratchett

Sasha snorted. "I have never in my extremely long life seen anyone take so long to answer a question. It's like you went into your brain and got lost. you need a bread crumb, buddy?" He made a noise like he was calling his pet. "Here Lassie, here. Come back girl. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.' ~ Mike Birbiglia

You look disappointed to see me, Zach," Macey teased. "Don't you like my jacket? ~ Ally Carter

I'm an ugly girl,
My face makes you hurl,
Sad I have it,
I should bag it.
Acne everywhere,
Unwanted facial hair.
I'm a relation to Frankenstein's creation. ~ Al Yankovic

There are fascinating possibilities in this situation. I'd get it down on paper if I were you. ~ Joe Orton

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side. ~ Bill Hicks

I have better things to do."
"Like what?"
He opens one eye and looks at me. "Like convince a stubborn girl to admit she's madly in love with me. ~ Susan Ee

The Howard Hughes thing hadn't actually sounded like such a bad deal until about ... oh, eight thirty-five this morning. Something about having his ex carry him to the bathroom and help him wash his balls just took all the fun out of becoming an eccentric recluse. ~ Heidi Betts

It felt like I had a thousand packs of Strawberry Pop Rocks simultaneously detonating in my chest, and I dilated at least eight centimeters! ~ Piper Faust

For five years I didn't think it was possible to be this happy.
But then he forgot all those promises he made. He forgot why he loved me. He simply stopped loving me.

And this is how he did it:
He stopped talking to me unless I spoke to him.
He stopped holding my hand.
He stopped kissing me good night.
He stopped kissing me good morning.
He stopped kissing me.
He stopped smiling at me.
He stopped laughing.
He stopped bathing and showering with me.
He stopped wanting me.
He started swearing at me.
He started lying to me.
He started cheating on me.
He hurt me.
And then he told me he was in love with another woman and wanted a divorce.
Oh, I forgot. He said he was sorry.

I wanted to blow his fucking brains out. ~ Terry McMillan

Smudge stood atop the water, burning as hot as I'd ever seen him and floating on a cushion of steam like a tiny, pissed-off hovercraft. ~ Jim C. Hines

Any schmuck can be unhappy when things aren't going well, but it takes a truly unique variety of schmuck; a real innovator in the schmuck field to be unhappy when things are going as great as they are for me. ~ Tropper Jonathan

Just like girls need to learn to be comfortable in heels before they go out in them for the first time, a man should try wearing a suit throughout a normal day. I do most things in a suit-and sometimes even in a tuxedo-and so I'm really comfortable in one. ~ Tom Ford

He ran the back of his fingers along her flushed cheek. His touch was soft, and she leaned her head in his direction. "My beautiful girl," he said.
She took in his expression. "You think I'm beautiful?"
"I don't think you're beautiful, Haven," he said. "I know you are. ~ J.M. Darhower

My teenage hormones have rendered me too emotionally fragile to be in a learning environment right now. ~ Krystal Sutherland

I had a dilemma. I could find absolutely no good reason to slap the girl standing in the kitchen doorway. And I really wanted one. ~ Myra McEntire

Hope follows on the heels of Faith. And the white-winged goddess - which is Hope - did not leave her, but prompted her to many little surreptitious acts of preparation in the event of the miracle coming to pass. ~ Kate Chopin

Zip it kiddo. Don't ever admit you know a thing about cooking or it'll be used against you later in life. ~ Rebecca Wells

When my mother passed away several years ago - well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn't 'pass away.' She died. Something about that verb, 'to pass away' always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died. ~ Steve Allen

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?
CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.
CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets. ~ William Shakespeare

If that kind of poetry doesn't make your bosom heave then I fear we shall never be friends. ~ Stephen Fry

Never put off until tomorrow that which may be avoided entirely. ~ Bill McKean

We hate it when our friends become successful. ~ Morrissey

Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off. ~ J.A. Saare

I was just turned last week. I'm a librarian."
He stilled, as if I'd just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. "I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was a librarian by day, a call girl by
"
I stopped him with a quick lift of an eyebrow. "If you finish that sentence, we cannot be friends. ~ Molly Harper

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head. ~ David Sedaris

You can prick your finger ... Just don't finger your prick. ~ George Carlin

How sharper than a serpent's tooth, I remember Jeeves saying once, it is to have a thankless child, and it isn't a dashed sight better having a thankless aunt. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

Later," I said to the room at large as I didn't want to appear rude.
For some reason this was met by Shirleen saying, "I'll put money down that she's living with him in four days."
My confused gaze swung to Shirleen but she was looking at the movie star glamour girl who was looking at me.
"Three days," Glamour girl said, smiling at me and I thought, in other circumstances, I would have liked to meet her.
"A week, she's got spirit," The other black lady said. She was smiling at me too, not like I was the butt of some joke, but in a kind way.
I opened the outer door.
Before it closed behind me, I heard Luke say strangely, "Tonight."
Then everyone laughed. ~ Kristen Ashley

Even Google can't reach God. ~ Brian L. Tucker

Yes, I have actually mined coal, and distilled liquor, as well as seen a girl in a pink dress, and seen her take it off. I am 54 years old, weigh 220 pounds, and look like the chief dispatcher of a long-distance driving concern. I am a registered Democrat. I drink. ~ James M. Cain

When I was younger," Kikomi said, "I would get into debates with my brothers and their friends. They could seldom win, for their minds were dull, and they did not apply themselves to their work. But often, when it was clear that I had the better argument, they would laugh and say 'It's impossible to argue with such a pretty girl,' and thereby deny me my victory. Life has not changed much since then. ~ Ken Liu

I wondered if that principle of renewal could be applied to a person. If you left a girl alone, she could learn to heal herself. She could consciously forget bad things, or at least learn to live with them. ~ Heather Crews

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

On a throne at the center of a sense of humor sits a capacity for irony. All wit rests on a cheerful awareness of life's incongruities. It is a gentling awareness, and no politician without it should be allowed near power. ~ George Will

You are no ordinary girl, you were meant for something more. ~ Cherie Call

I've found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain ~ Benny Bellamacina

It was like having two children in the car with her. Okay, one child and a young adult that
kept backsliding. Hal, of course, was attempting to prove he was really only eight years old.
Taggart could resist the taunting part of the time. Nigel was the senile grandmother who never
noticed that the children were fighting. He sat in the backseat, smiling serenely at the passing
landscape. What made things worse was that Taggart called shotgun so he could film through the
front window. That made it so she couldn't reach Hal to swat him into silence. She found herself
tempted to hit Taggart just because he was beside her. And because he'd changed into a dark blue
silk shirt and cologne that smelled so good she just wanted to roll in it.
"I can kill us all," Jane growled, gripping the wheel tightly, and resisted the urge to drive the
production truck into the ditch to prove her point.
Somehow they reached downtown without her killing anyone. ~ Wen Spencer