Gaming Humor Quotes

When a Dragon, an Elf, and a Human walk into a bar, the Human is always going to be the punch line. ~ Bryan Fields

I will never understand why you Humans weren't designed to recycle your body's water after filtering waste. It's just so much more efficient. ~ Bryan Fields

In life they're not going to serve you lemons, they're going to serve you lemonade; and I don't really like lemonade because I've got a really bad acid reflux. ~ Felicia Day

There's gotta be a way out of this dungeon.- G. Gygax ~ Robert Asprin

My guild decided to advance to a more complicated part of the game, which moved me from gaming hobbyist to full-time addicted employee of World of Warcraft. ~ Felicia Day

All right, I've been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager!
Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man whose gonna burn your house down - with the lemons! ~ Portal 2

Fireball doesn't need a search warrant. ~ Bryan Fields

He was just drifting off to sleep when it occurred to him that perhaps the dog was not so ordinary after all. Perhaps he was someone the ogre had changed, and Ivo was going to spend the night hugging a headmaster or a tax inspector ~ Eva Ibbotson

Chairmen Meow deserves me every effort. ~ Cassandra Clare

One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around. ~ Winston Groom

I write most of my stories the way people talk, complete with an occasional run-on sentences and stuff that seems to go around in a few circles before making its point. In a comedy, you can do that. ~ Dan Alatorre

It kills me. The way he trusted. LIke the way we trusted before they came and blue the whole goddamned world apart. Trusted that when it got dark there would be light. Trusted that when you wanted a fucking strawberry Frappuccino you could plop your ass in the car, drive down the streed, and get yourself a fucking strawberry Frappuccino! ~ Rick Yancey

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it. ~ Bill Maher

For a beverage, you asked for some "cherry-assed Kool Aid." Okay, now you're just adding "assed" in places where it doesn't even make sense. Regardless, we will fulfill your request for Cherry Kool-Aid. However, Halle Berry will not be pouring it from her mouth into yours.
For dessert, you asked for your mother's homemade peach cobbler. It is highly unorthodox for someone other than the prison kitchen staff to prepare a final meal. Also, you killed her about eight years ago, remember? So you'll have to settle for Hostess. ~ Colin Nissan

If you find yourself debating whether or not you should go exercise, it means you have the time and the means, your're simply talking yourself out of doing something difficults ~ The Oatmeal

It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal. ~ Charlaine Harris

That's cold, Ems. You know you're supposed to save your lunches for me."
"And like I told you last time, my lunches want to see other people. ~ Melyssa Winchester

Did you meet your soul mate? That always happens on the first day of school, right?'

'Oh God, Charlie, she's letting you read again! You went straight to the paranormal section, didn't you? ~ Francesca Zappia

She liked to keep the leaves simmering away on the stove, even though it made the tea so bitter, it was near undrinkable. She also liked to say that anyone with sense in their skull knew to sweeten life with at least three sugar cubes. ~ Tone Almhjell

Some of my scientific friends and colleagues confess that they cannot for the life of them see why I don't abandon ship and join them. The short answer is that I have managed, by straddling the boundaries, to have the best of both worlds. By working with scientists I get a rich diet of fascinating and problematic facts to think about, but by staying a philosopher without a lab or a research grant, I get to think about all the theories and experiments and never have to do the dishes ~ Daniel C. Dennett

O, what men dare do! ~ William Shakespeare

Life makes fun of us and we should help it. ~ David Brandon

Here in the United States, why do black performances of masculinity, compared to white middle-class performances of masculinity, elicit different responses from the mainstream media? How is covert 'whiteness' in the United States maintained by sensationalizing and reprimanding DMX and Michael Vick for animal torture and cruelty, while ignoring the 'animal gaming' pastimes of white privileged males, casting them as nondeviant 'normative' behaviors? ~ A. Breeze Harper

Here you have learned the theories of life," continued the Headmaster, resuming the thread of his discourse, "but after all, life is not a matter of theories. Life is a matter of facts. It calls on the young and the old alike to face these facts, even though they are hard and sometimes unpleasant. Your problem, for example, is to slay dragons. ~ Heywood Broun

At last Eddie understood why they called it 'making love.' Until now he'd only been having sex, and, my oh my, what he had been missing. ~ Philip Elliott

The priest rubbed his bruised shoulder, the eyes within the feline mask glaring at Stonny. At Gruntle's words he faced the Daru again. 'These are not matters open to debate, Mortal Sword. You are what you are-'
'I'm a caravan guard captain, and damned good at it. When I'm sober, that is.'
'You are the master of war in the name of the Lord of Summer-'
We'll call that a hobby. ~ Steven Erikson

You certainly are a repository of useless information. How do you know all that?' David asked, with more amusement than admiration.
'I have a mind like a magpie's, easily distracted by interesting odds and ends,' Ramses admitted. ~ Elizabeth Peters

After several minutes [Wart] said, "Is one allowed to speak as a human being, or does the thing about being seen and not heard have to apply? ~ T.H. White

She remembered the conversation in the Library, as forgetting was the last thing a fully-trained Librarian should do. Memories were as important as books, and almost as important as proper indexing. ~ Genevieve Cogman

If you enjoy books with happy endings than you are better off reading some other book. ~ Lemony Snicket

If you haven't heard a rumor by noon, make one up. If you're a writer, make sure it's a full page of the book you're currently working on. ~ Lamont Tanksley

There are few things less comforting than a tiger who's been up too late. ~ Bill Watterson

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!". ~ Bill Engvall

[H]is first purpose was to explain himself, and before they reached Mr. Allen's grounds he had done it so well that Catherine did not think it could ever be repeated too often. She was assured of his affection; and that heart in return was solicited, which, perhaps, they pretty equally knew was already entirely his own; for, though Henry was now sincerely attached to her, though he felt and delighted in all the excellencies of her character and truly loved her society, I must confess that his affection originated in nothing better than gratitude, or, in other words, that a persuasion of her partiality for him had been the only cause of giving her a serious thought. It is a new circumstance in romance, I acknowledge, and dreadfully derogatory of an heroine's dignity; but if it be as new in common life, the credit of a wild imagination will at least be all my own. ~ Jane Austen

Humor writing is something that comes naturally to me. ~ Kristan Higgins

Do you know what he told me after lying under a cliff for thirty six hours with two inches of his femur sticking out? He said: 'Queenie, I think I'm going to pass out and before I do, I'm going to give you a piece of advice' - God, I thought he was going to die and knew and was telling me what to do with his book - and he said quite solemnly: 'Queenie, always stick to Bach and the early Italians' - and passed out cold as a mackerel. And by God, it's not bad advice. ~ Walker Percy

Violet, Kevin, the crowd, and my annoying father would all just have to wait while I ate half that torte and drank half that coffee.
Violet, however, was a multitasker. ~ Devon Monk

Asking me to do ANYTHING before I've had my first cup of coffee should be an episode on 1000 Ways to DIE. ~ Tanya Masse

I have learned how to be a lady. It's just so dull I can't stick with it. ~ Shari L. Tapscott

And her voice cut through the noise like a scythe through a poodle. ~ Daniel O'Malley

Texas sharpshooter fallacy: Imagine that you are driving down a country road in Texas. You see a barn that has six targets painted on it, and a bullet hole at the very center of each target. "Yes sir," says the owner of the barn, "I never miss." "That's right," says his spouse, "there ain't a man in the state of Texas who's more accurate with a paint brush." Got it? He fired the six shots, and then painted the targets around them. ~ John V. Guttag

I slept in myself, didn't get up until about nine."
"Has anyone looked outside, checked to see if the world is still spinning on its axis?"
"At which time," he continued dryly, "I had a workout - I had soufflé, too. Then, before I came down here to enjoy one of my gifts, I worked about an hour in my office. ~ J.D. Robb

I wasn't born an early bird.
It took three different alarms clocks blasting in my ear every morning to wake me up. And on special occasions when I'd sleep through the bird caws, beeping, and extreme drum solos, Stella would have the privilege of yanking me from my bed. ~ Joddie Zeng

Just don't stare at my ass, Landemere," he added.
"I wasn't staring at your ass," Arranulf, who had been staring at his ass, said. ~ Andrew Ashling

Children in the abstract, had never appealed to me. They seemed to be loud creatures, often dripping some form of goo. ~ Stephenie Meyer

I cross my fingers that if a demon dunks me in a vat of boiling lava I'll get thrown together naked with River Phoenix, and that he'll say I'm cute and try to kiss me. ~ Chuck Palahniuk