Funny Israeli Quotes

On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are you talking to him in Yiddish?" The mother answered, "I don't want he should forget he's a Jew." ~ Kirk Douglas

Unprovoked attacks on Israel's borders, murdering Israeli soldiers, taking Israeli hostages and showering rockets targeting and killing Israeli civilians are not furthering any legitimate goal. ~ Alcee Hastings

Most recently, terrorist forces have captured Israeli soldiers and fired rockets into Israeli cities - both unprovoked. These acts of aggression deserve the rapid and decisive response they received. ~ John Boehner

The Arab-Israeli conflict is the biggest problem, but small problems shape the daily lives of Israelis. Unless there happens to be a war going on, the Arab-Israeli conflict is irrelevant in daily life. ~ Yair Lapid

Write it down and it will come alive. ~ Efrat Israeli

There are people who think I am Israeli. That's rubbish. ~ Zubin Mehta

Everybody is in the pocket of the Israeli lobbies. ~ Helen Thomas

Twenty five percent of Israeli citizens are not even Jewish. Anybody can become an Israeli citizen if you qualify. Religion is not a criterion for citizenship. ~ Alan Dershowitz

The Israeli strategy has been proven to be a complete failure. ~ Mohammed Dahlan

Am I an Israeli? That's a good question. ~ Beny Steinmetz

You can't have occupation and human rights. ~ Christopher Hitchens

I hope the English-speaking world can see that I'm not only an Israeli actress. ~ Hani Furstenberg

It took me many years to understand that my identity is more Israeli than Jewish. ~ Mili Avital

Though public pronouncements of Israeli officials emphasize peace and mutuality, unilateralism actually drives Israeli actions. ~ Douglas Feith

I hope that my new status will be an example of Israeli-Palestinian co-existence, I believe that the destinies of the Israeli people and the Palestinian people are inextricably linked. ~ Daniel Barenboim

Bringing up wrongdoings of the Israeli government is therefore about as relevant to the Holocaust as mentioning the warmongering decisions of recent US administrations in relation to the slaughter of Native Americans when America was first colonized centuries ago. In other words, whatever your opinion of Israel's handling of the Middle East conflict – and we ourselves have some misgivings on that matter – that is in no way shape or form related to the facts of the Holocaust. ~ James Morcan

I also believe that US backing for Israeli policies of expansion of the Israeli state and oppression of the Palestinian people is the major cause of bitter division and violence in the world. ~ Clare Short

Agribusiness could provide an opportunity for joint Israeli-Palestinian projects, spurred on by Israeli technical expertise in this field. ~ Edgar Bronfman, Sr.

An Israeli woman is not like women in our societies, because she is a soldier. ~ Yusuf Al-Qaradawi

If there is a birthrate demographic problem, and there is, it is with the non-White races Israeli Arabs who are American will remain Israeli citizens. ~ Benjamin Netanyahu

This rally must send a message to the Israeli people, to the Jewish people around the world, to the many people in the Arab world, and indeed to the entire world, that the Israeli people want peace, support peace. For this, I thank you. ~ Yitzhak Rabin

I have no interest in Israeli citizenship ... Israel does not want me, nor do I want Israel. ~ Mordechai Vanunu

The suicide bomber is no more than a mosquito. The occupation is the swamp. - Rami Elhanan, an ~ Rami Elhanan Israeli Citizen

I love meeting Israeli people. They look at me like a son ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Half the published articles on Gaza contain a standard reference to its resemblance to a vast open-air prison (and when I last saw it under Israeli occupation it certainly did deserve this metaphor). The problem is that, given its ideology and its allies, Hamas qualifies rather too well in the capacity of guard and warder. ~ Christopher Hitchens

On the other hand, we have in Israel, an Israeli government which has been elected by the Israeli people. Their political agenda is not for peace. They are from the camp anti-peace. ~ Rafik Hariri

Now, the other pillar of Israeli power - Western support and complicity - is starting to crack. We must do all we can to push it over. ~ Ali Abunimah

It is wrong to say the U.S. should 'not take sides' in the Israeli-Palestinian dispute. ~ Howard Berman

Extol Jewish virtue, modern Zionism and the Israeli Defense Forces. ~ Geraldo Rivera

We must see what in the Israeli identity - in the Israeli - we can give to other people rather than speaking so often of taking, expanding territory. ~ A. B. Yehoshua

When the Israeli leaders launched their expansionist war in June 1967 they never envisaged that 40 years later they would still be haunted by the consequences. ~ Ismail Haniyeh

If you ask me 'What is the one great move you can make to improve the Israeli economy?' of course it will be signing an agreement with the Arab world about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. This will change everything. ~ Yair Lapid

I'm a United States senator. I'm not an Israeli senator. ~ Chuck Hagel

The Israeli puppeteer travels to Washington and meets with the puppet in the White House. He then goes down Pennsylvania Avenue and meets with the puppets in Congress. The Israeli leader then 'brings back millions of dollars' in aid to Israel. ~ Ralph Nader

The Arab-Israeli conflict is also in many ways a conflict about status: it's a war between two peoples who feel deeply humiliated by the other, who want the other to respect them. Battles over status can be even more intractable than those over land or water or oil. ~ Alain De Botton

Big efforts should be made to integrate Israel's Arab citizens into the fabric of the Israeli society and the Israeli economy. That's really the key to any further progress to do with the Palestinians beyond Israel's borders. ~ Moshe Arens

What I, as the prime minister of the present government of Israel, started to do, is first to tackle the longest part of the Arab-Israeli conflict, the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. ~ Yitzhak Rabin

Without [the settlements] the IDF (Israeli Defense Force) [Israeli Defense Force] would be a foreign army ruling a foreign population. ~ Moshe Dayan

The idea that the rest of the world was somehow being held hostage by the Arab-Israeli conflict once had a minimal basis in reality. In the first 20 years of Israel's existence, every Arab country was in an active state of war with the Jewish state. ~ John Podhoretz

Yes. I'm an Israeli citizen living in a dream world; a Jewish princess in Arabia, I should have listened to my own children. For God's sake. Egypt is not my country! ~ Linda Ruth Horowitz

If every single Jew born anywhere in the world has the right to become an Israeli citizen, then all the Palestinians who were chucked out of Palestine by the Zionist Government should have the same right, very simple. ~ Tariq Ali

Now for a good twelve-hour sleep, I told myself. Twelve solid hours. Let birds sing, let people go to work. Somewhere out there, a volcano might blow, Israeli commandos might decimate a Palestinian village. I couldn't stop it. I was going to sleep. ~ Haruki Murakami

What is ... disturbing to me is that many of these pro-Israeli lawmakers sit on the House International Relations Committee despite the obvious conflict of interest that their emotional attachments to Israel cause ... The Israeli occupation of all territories must end, including Congress. ~ Cynthia McKinney

The [Israelis] believed - they were possessed of an absolute certainty and conviction - that 'terrorists' were in Chatila. How could I explain to them that the terrorists had left, that the terrorists had worn Israeli uniforms, that the terrorists had been sent into Chatila by Israeli officers, that the victims of the terrorists were not Israelis but Palestinians and Lebanese? ~ Robert Fisk

In some respects, South African apartheid was more vicious than Israeli practices, and in some respects the opposite is true. ~ Noam Chomsky

Everybody has to move, run and grab as many (Palestinian) hilltops as they can to enlarge the (Jewish) settlements because everything we take now will stay ours ... Everything we don't grab will go to them. ~ Ariel Sharon

Moshe was an Israeli with an ear-slitting laugh. He used it in the same way as a madman uses a gun, spraying it around with bewildering randomness. ~ Alex Garland

I definitely have a strong sense of my Jewish and Israeli identity. I did my two-year military service; I was brought up in a very Jewish, Israeli family environment, so of course my heritage is very important to me. ~ Gal Gadot

Perhaps areas of Israel where current large Palestinian populations and demographic realities exist could be exchanged for Israeli expansion into the West Bank to include most of East Jerusalem. ~ Geraldo Rivera

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." ~ George Carlin

Iran has long sponsored terrorists who carry out homicide bombings in Israeli cities. However, it is a mistake to believe the danger Iran poses is directed at Israel alone. ~ John Doolittle

Jordan recognizes that east Jerusalem is the capital of the Palestinian state and Jordan rejects foreign sovereignty
Israeli sovereignty
over the holy sites ~ Yasser Arafat

We must all realise that the Israeli society is a military society - men and women. We cannot describe the society as civilian ... they are not civilians or innocent. ~ Yusuf Al-Qaradawi

Clinton impressed Assad: a young man who appeared to want to be neutral in the Arab-Israeli dispute - an illusion of course, but that's what Assad thought. ~ Robert Fisk

Some lucky people can be funny without half trying because they actually look funny, because acting funny is in their bones - fun as funny, not funny as crude slapstick. ~ F. Sionil Jose

It is no exaggeration to say that Israeli policy in the occupied territories is not simply a matter of foreign policy - it is a matter for British domestic security policy too,. ~ John Denham

How come a Palestinian child does not live like an Israeli child? Why do Palestinian children have to toil at any manner of hard jobs just to be able to go to school? How is it that when we are sick. we can't get the medical help the Israeli kids take for granted? ~ Izzeldin Abuelaish

Give me until the end of the year and I will be able to control the chaos in Gaza, ... Now that the Israeli pullout is completed, we will be able to better deal with the problem. ~ Mahmoud Abbas

For decades, the violence in the Middle East has claimed a multitude of innocent civilian victims: Men, women and children, Arab and Israeli. ~ John Conyers

I cannot recognise either the Palestinian state or the Israeli state. The Palestinians are idiots and the Israelis are idiots. ~ Muammar Al-Gaddafi

The problem is that we live in an uptight country. Why don't we just laugh at ourselves? We are funny. Gays are funny. Straights are funny. Women are funny. Men are funny. We are all funny, and we all do funny things. Let's laugh about it. ~ Bob Newhart

As an Israeli, I have come to understand: there is no way to love Israel and reject a two-state peace, no way to love Israel and reject Palestine. ~ Yael Dayan

The Israeli lobby has clout in the U.S., which means that re-arranging the region and controlling its resources one way or another, will serve Israel through its control over the American administration. ~ Bashar Al-Assad

Palestine is occupied land, and under international law, the Palestinians have the legal right to resist this occupation by any and all means. This may make busses, restaurants, discos-where Israeli military congregate, lawful targets. ~ Enver Masud

Because I hold an Israeli passport, I have a share in all the wrongs that are done to the Palestinians ... I want to be able to say that I did all I could to prevent the bloodshed. ~ Chana Bloch

Soldiers of Israel, we have no aims of conquest. Our purpose is to bring to naught the attempts of the Arab armies to conquer our land. ~ Moshe Dayan

I have no sentiments for nationality or for soil. But I grew up in Israel, so those things are in my blood, and I want to be part of Israeli culture. ~ Mili Avital

Those [American Jews] who favor the [Israeli] attack on Gaza are certainly guilty of such overwhelming emotional and cultural attachment to Israel and Israelis, that they long ago ceased viewing this conflict with any remnant of objectivity. ~ Glenn Greenwald

I cannot say that the attitude of the United Nations always is for the Israeli attitude. Israel, I think, has been under severe attacks by members of the United Nations many times. ~ Ariel Sharon

All American and Israeli goods and products should be boycotted in a way that undermines American and Israeli interests so as to act as deterrence to their war against Muslims and Islam that is being waged under the pretense of fighting terrorism. This boycott should become an overwhelming trend that makes these two states feel that their economies are in a real and actual danger. ~ Mohammad Hussein Fadlallah

Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.
[Addressing a group of prospective contributors to an Israeli scientific research program] ~ Abba Eban

Are you an Israeli? I don't debate with Israelis. I have been misled, sorry I don't recognise Israel and I don't debate with Israelis ~ George Galloway

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~ Steven Wright

I don't need legitimization to take part in Israeli productions; I am a good actress. To work in Israel is a financial investment for me. I do it for emotional, not artistic, reasons. ~ Mili Avital

The security of the citizens of Israel, the future of the state of Israel, this is the Israeli government's responsibility. ~ Avigdor Lieberman

Finding the right form of debate regarding Israeli policies will remain a challenge in Germany. Even with every conceivable and warranted criticism, the danger always arises that it will be exploited by those who consciously or unconsciously present anti-Semitism in a new guise. ~ Sigmar Gabriel

Whether [the 1993 World Trade Center bombing] was a setup by the Israeli Mossad, as a Jewish friend of mine suspects, or was truly a retaliation by the Islamic fundamentalists, matters little. ~ Ron Paul

Mama does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Dada first. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

From 1949 to the present, for every dollar the US spent on an African, it spent $250.65 on an Israeli, and for every dollar it spent on someone from the Western Hemisphere outside the US, it spent $214 on an Israeli. ~ Ahdaf Soueif

When I was in my routine training for the Israeli army as a teenager, they discovered completely by chance that I was a lethal sniper. I could hit the target smack in the center further away than anyone could believe. Not just that, even though I was tiny and not even much of an athlete, I was incredibly accurate throwing hand grenades too. Even today I can load a Sten automatic rifle in a single minute, blindfolded. ~ Ruth Westheimer

I am saying that I am trying to minimize the donations to these groups by talking to diplomats. The transparency bill also has the purpose of enabling the Israeli public and members of Knesset to know whose interests certain organizations represent. ~ Ayelet Shaked

outbreak of the 1967 Arab-Israeli war was not a result of some global strategy, but of a set of specific, regional calculations and miscalculations; on one hand, Israel's long-standing wish to strike at the growing military power of Egypt and, on the other, the tactical mistakes of Nasser in May of that year, through which he requested the withdrawal of UN buffer forces and so left himself open to the Israeli attack. ~ Fred Halliday

I went to a dialect coach and she told me that I had five problems; two were my Israeli accent and three were my New Jersey accent. I don't even want to know what I sounded like back then! ~ Odeya Rush

Toughness found fertile soil in the hearts of Palestinians, and the grains of resistance embedded themselves in their skin. Endurance evolved as a hallmark of refugee society. But the price they paid was the subduing of tender vulnerability. They learned to celebrate martyrdom. Only martyrdom offered freedom. Only in death were they at last invulnerable to Israel. Martyrdom became the ultimate defiance of Israeli occupation. ~ Susan Abulhawa

Let's remember that the revolution in Tahrir Square was not anti-American, it was not anti-Israeli, it was for democracy and freedom. That's a good thing. ~ Stephen Hadley

I always was a funny guy, the class clown. I had a very funny dad and an extremely funny grandmother. ~ Charlie Day

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick. ~ Carroll Bryant

It's really easy to be funny. You get a lot of funny people in a room, the show is funny. ~ Jill Soloway

The American people and the Israeli peoples share a faith in the future and believe that democracies can shape their own destinies and that opportunities should be available to all. Throughout its own extraordinary history, Israel has given life to that promise. ~ Barack Obama

From the sea came a boat with some Israeli commando soldiers who took me by the commando boat to the yacht and put me on the yacht. In the yacht I asked people, who are you. And they said we are Israelis, French and British. ~ Mordechai Vanunu

For example, in my own State of Arizona, an Israeli scientist is working with an Arizona company on a demonstration project involving a very fast-growing algae which can be used to power a biomass energy plan. ~ John Shadegg

You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you're funny. ~ Al Franken

I find Anders very funny and funny lasts forever." Samantha ~ Angela Nicoara

Life before toilet paper was not worth living. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Another longstanding foreign policy flaw is the degree to which special interests dictate the way in which the "national interest" as a whole is defined and pursued ... America's important historic relationship with Israel has often led foreign policy decision-makers to defer reflexively to Israeli security assessments, and to replicate Israeli tactics, which, as the war in Lebanon last summer demonstrated, can turn out to be counter-productive. ~ Samantha Power

being funny is actually all about thinking "what if ?" in a creative way. ~ Shashankbisht

The Israeli military plays more than a critical role in defending the citizens of the Jewish state. It also plays an important social, scientific and psychological role in preparing its young citizens for the challenging task of being Israelis in a difficult world. ~ Alan Dershowitz

I wanted to do something new. The world is becoming a global village and we have to understand these different cultures. There is a Danish culture, an Israeli culture and so on. So if you want to go to Denmark, then read the book. ~ Enock Maregesi

I'm not funny. People assume that because my books are funny, I'll be funny in real life. It's the inevitable disappointment of meeting me. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

And the PRCS [Palestinian Red Crescent Society] had not lost just one hospital: thirteen clinics and nine hospitals all over Lebanon had been destroyed in this way. Only Gaza Hospital, for a reason I was to discover three years later, was still standing. At the height of the air raids, when the Palestinians found out that every single PRCS hospital and clinic was a bomb target, they put three Israeli soldiers captured in south Lebanon on the upper floors of Gaza Hospital, and radioed a message to the Israeli Army saying that any further military action on Gaza Hospital would result in Israeli lives being lost. That saved Gaza Hospital from further destruction. ~ Ang Swee Chai