Funny General Quotes

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NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. ~ George Bernard Shaw
Funny General quotes by George Bernard Shaw
I think my general disposition on life is finding what's funny about it. When something happens, the first thing in my mind is, "What's funny about it?" ~ Will Smith
Funny General quotes by Will Smith
We didn't have time to get you an actual haircut," she said. "Seriously, did you do it yourself? Maybe without a mirror?"
I put a hand up to my head self-consciously and said, "I had some help from the General. And, hey, I didn't say anything about your man-shoes."
"They're steel-toed," she said calmly. "In case I need to plant them in anyone's ass as a result of him calling them man-shoes. And seriously, you let Toot help you with your hair? ~ Jim Butcher
Funny General quotes by Jim Butcher
Little girls are the nicest things that can happen to people. They are born with a bit of angel-shine about them, and though it wears thin sometimes, there is always enough left to lasso your heart - even when they are sitting in the mud, or crying temperamental tears, or parading up the street in Mother's best clothes.

A little girl can be sweeter (and badder) oftener than anyone else in the world. She can jitter around, and stomp, and make funny noises that frazzle your nerves, yet just when you open your mouth, she stands there demure with that special look in her eyes. A girl is Innocence playing in the mud, Beauty standing on its head, and Motherhood dragging a doll by the foot.

God borrows from many creatures to make a little girl. He uses the song of a bird, the squeal of a pig, the stubbornness of a mule, the antics of a monkey, the spryness of a grasshopper, the curiosity of a cat, the speed of a gazelle, the slyness of a fox, the softness of a kitten, and to top it all off He adds the mysterious mind of a woman.

A little girl likes new shoes, party dresses, small animals, first grade, noisemakers, the girl next door, dolls, make-believe, dancing lessons, ice cream, kitchens, coloring books, make-up, cans of water, going visiting, tea parties, and one boy. She doesn't care so much for visitors, boys in general, large dogs, hand-me-downs, straight chairs, vegetables, snowsuits, or staying in the front yard.

She is loudest wh ~ Alan Beck
Funny General quotes by Alan Beck
It's funny because I think, as a general rule, that people seem to think that if you do lots of different things over the course of, like, a timeline, it means that you kind of disregard what you did before. But that's not true of me. I still genuinely like everything I did as much as I liked it when I released it. ~ Dev Hynes
Funny General quotes by Dev Hynes
Along with that ongoing process Sinn Fein took a decision to establish a peace commission which had the responsibility to travel around the country to receive submissions from the general public, also our opponents. ~ Martin McGuinness
Funny General quotes by Martin McGuinness
I'm not sure how healthy bacon is in general, but I know it's incredibly delicious. ~ Gwyneth Paltrow
Funny General quotes by Gwyneth Paltrow
The general public doesn't expect romance authors to be Harvard graduates. Which is funny, because there are actually quite a lot of us. But this disconnect means that journalists see me as an interesting story. The tricky part is making sure they understand that there are many, many talented writers who don't have 'fancy' educations. ~ Julia Quinn
Funny General quotes by Julia Quinn
It's funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I've had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it's just because they don't behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power. ~ Ryan Reynolds
Funny General quotes by Ryan Reynolds
That has a funny sound, but I knew there was value in it for me, because the world left me alone, and I liked that. I liked my solitude, my individuality, being alone on the street. I had playmates, and we did plenty of things together, but there was this general feeling of singularity. When I would go downtown on my own, I wasn't chattering with a lot of people about, "look at this, look at that." My mind was doing all the processing. ~ Larry Getlen
Funny General quotes by Larry Getlen
As a general rule, I don't plan to travel with my Oscars, but we may have to make an exception. ~ Paul Haggis
Funny General quotes by Paul Haggis
He's bound to have done something, Nobby repeated.
In this he was echoing the Patrician's view of crime and punishment. If there was crime, there should be punishment. If the specific criminal should be involved in the punishment process then this was a happy accident, but if not then any criminal would do, and since everyone was undoubtedly guilty of something, the net result was that, in general terms, justice was done. ~ Terry Pratchett
Funny General quotes by Terry Pratchett
Beyond a thin veil of space stretched Existence, the frailest and most imbalanced reality of the cosmos. No one was really sure why it was imbalanced, but some believed it had something to do with the general alcohol consumption per capita. ~ Louise Blackwick
Funny General quotes by Louise Blackwick
But you can always justify killing animals on the grounds that you want to eat them, or wear them, or that they smell bad, look funny, bother you, threaten you, and have the bad luck of being in your way. What about killing humans? Well aside from a few die-hard individualists on the fringe, the general consensus among people these days seems to be that eating and wearing other people is just not on. Wearing a suit which costs as much as a farmer will make in his lifetime is acceptable, but actually putting his eyeballs on a string and letting them dangle above tastefully exposed cleavage is bad form. ~ Mohsin Hamid
Funny General quotes by Mohsin Hamid
There are human boys here somewhere?" Zoey asked.
Aurox's face scrunched up as he frowned at her. "Not here. Outside - out there. " He pointed in the general direction of the door to the field house behind them.
"Outside the field house!" she almost yelled.
"Zo, sometimes I think you don't listen so good," Aurox said. Still frowning at her, he continued speaking slowly, as if trying to get her to understand a foreign language.
"Two boys. Outside the wall. With the keg. And cups. They. Want. Hot. Vampyre. Chicks."
"Okay, I think I get it." Stark grabbed Aurox's arm and started to drag him toward the door and away from Z
before she went for his throat, although that would have been funny as hell. "You found two kids, with beer, trying to get over the wall, right?"
"See, you listen better." Aurox patted him on the back, almost knocking Stark over. "But they're just looking through the hole for vampyre pussy, not trying to get over the wall."
"If you say pussy one more time I'm going to smack the crap out of you," Zoey said, coming after them.
"You can't come!" Aurox stumbled to a stop. "You have legs and tits!"
"Oh. My. Goddess. I'm going to kill him!" Stark stepped between the two of them. He faced Zoey.
She'd gone from pale to bright red in zero-point-nothing seconds. "Z, I think this is something that a Warrior needs to handle."
Behind him, Aurox belched, sending a wave of beer air wafting over them.
Zoey narrow ~ Kristin Cast
Funny General quotes by Kristin Cast
As a general comment on baseball:"90% of the game is half mental." ~ Yogi Berra
Funny General quotes by Yogi Berra
I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote some lines that they ended up ... not using ... I wrote one line. I thought it would've been perfect. I don't know if anyone saw the movie. It's the scene where the ape general comes in. And they're trying to decide if they should attack right there, or wait until a little later. And I wrote: "Man these bananas are good!" But they didn't use it. I did all of that research. ~ Brian Regan
Funny General quotes by Brian Regan
Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus. ~ Tara Sivec
Funny General quotes by Tara Sivec
In the cool dark basement, she whispers, "It's not Ralph, is it?"
Cabel's quiet for a moment, as if he's thinking, "You mean like Forever Ralph? Uh, no."
"You've read Forever?" Janie is incredulous.
"There wasn't much else to chose from on the hospital library cart, and Deenie was always checked out," Cable says sarcastically.
"Did you like it?"
Cabel laughs softly, "Um ... well, it wasn't the wisest thing to read for a fourteen-year-old guy with fresh skin grafts in the general area down there, if you know what I mean. ~ Lisa McMann
Funny General quotes by Lisa McMann
When the Attorney-General ceased, a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue-flies were swarming about the prisoner, in anticipation of what he was soon to become. ~ Charles Dickens
Funny General quotes by Charles Dickens
It's funny, you can get over the win pretty quick and get ready for the next opponent. When you lose, it just eats at you ... What could we have done? What should I have done? All those things. Just part of playing professional sports and sports in general. ~ Tony Romo
Funny General quotes by Tony Romo
First of all, I find everything funny, which is upsetting to my children sometimes, and to people in my life, in general. ~ Jenji Kohan
Funny General quotes by Jenji Kohan
All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don't have an answer but I just try to plough straight ahead. ~ Will Ferrell
Funny General quotes by Will Ferrell
People in general misunderstand me. I'm very aware of the stereotype that comes with being a basketball player. But I'm well-rounded. I'm cultured. It's funny: When I speak, people are like, "Wow! You can really talk." I'm like, "What did you expect?" ~ Chris Bosh
Funny General quotes by Chris Bosh
I've never understood America,"said the king.
"Neither do we, sir. You might say we have two governments, kind of overlapping. First we have the elected government. It's Democratic or Republican, doesn't make much difference, and then there's corporation government."
"They get along together, these governments?"
"Sometimes," said Tod. "I don't understand it myself. You see, the elected government pretends to be democratic, and actually it is autocratic. The corporation governments pretend to be autocratic and they're all the time accusing the others of socialism. They hate socialism."
"So I have heard," said Pippin.
"Well, here's the funny thing, sir. You take a big corporation in America, say like General Motors or Du Pont or U.S. Steel. The thing they're most afraid of is socialism, and at the same time they themselves are socialist states."
The king sat bolt upright. "Please?" he said.
"Well, just look at it, sir. They've got medical care for employees and their families and accident insurance and retirement pensions, paid vacations -- even vacation places -- and they're beginning to get guaranteed pay over the year. The employees have representation in pretty nearly everything, even the color they paint the factories. As a matter of fact, they've got socialism that makes the USSR look silly. Our corporations make the U.S. Government seem like an absolute monarchy. Why, if the U.S. government tried to do one-tenth of what General Motors d ~ John Steinbeck
Funny General quotes by John Steinbeck
I am Nikolai Wroth."
Why did that name sound so familiar? She squinted up at him. "You are a friend of my aunts?" she said, her voice sounding faint.
"With one. And it seems only one." A short laugh with no humor. "Myst is my wife."
"Myst married?" Was that where she'd been? No, no way. "That's funny."
"The jest's on me, I'm afraid." As they reached the manor, he bellowed, "Annika, call off the goddamn wraiths and let me in."
Emma stared up at the sky, seeing swirling red swaths of ragged cloth circling the house. Occasionally she spied a gaunt, skeletal face, but it would change to beauty if you met its eyes.
The price for their protection was hair from each of the Valkyrie within. The wraiths wove each lock into a massive braid, and when it grew long enough, they bent all living Valkyrie to their will for a time.
"Myst hasn't returned yet," someone called from the house. "But you know that, or else you'd both be naked and fornicating on the front lawn."
"The night's young. Give us time." To himself, he murmured, "And it was a field a mile away."
"Don't you have an appointment to go to, vampire?"
Emma stiffened. Vampire? But his eyes weren't red. "Did you follow me?"
"No, I was awaiting Myst's return from shopping and sensed you trace into the woods."
A vampire waiting for Myst? He'd said she was his wife. She sucked in a breath. "You're the general, aren't you," she whispered. "The one Myst had to be pried from."Kresley Cole
Funny General quotes by Kresley Cole
Popular culture has twisted it, but popular culture has twisted madness in general. They make it funny, they romanticize it, or they make it exaggerated. But true mental illness is nothing to laugh at. I stayed in the Birdcage for some time, I've seen scary things, and I've become numb to a great deal, but going mad is perhaps the scariest. ~ Wildbow
Funny General quotes by Wildbow
The despicable crone known as Mombi stands accused of high witchery, gross dishonesty, untold crimes against monkeys, outrageous trespassing, and general unpleasantness. Also, she is extremely unattractive. Miss Amy, do you speak for the witch? ~ Danielle Paige
Funny General quotes by Danielle Paige
My calculations - allowing for a 12 percent margin of error, based on the radius of the corresponding confidence interval and the surgeon general's warning - concluded that they probably didn't stay behind for the tacos. ~ Darynda Jones
Funny General quotes by Darynda Jones
Politically Incorrect was the name of the show Bill Maher hosted in the 1990s. It's also an apt description of the man himself. Now host of
HBO's hit show Real Time, I find Maher to be one of the sharpest observers of American politics and life in general out there. It doesn't mean I always agree with him. I always find him funny, though. ~ Fareed Zakaria
Funny General quotes by Fareed Zakaria
He loved the humans' complete inability to see anything even when it stared them right in their faces. He knew what it was, too. Their logic. How could anything the size of a dragon turn into a human? Humans understood nothing of ancient Magick and how powerful it could be.
For a moment, he really thought that Annwyl figured it out. Still, he remained grateful she hadn't. He knew he shouldn't lie to her and, in the beginning, he really hadn't planned to. He trusted her now more than he trusted anyone, but her reaction to him as a human male completely confounded him.
She wanted the knight but hated the knight. Cared for the dragon but, not surprisingly, didn't seem to have any other feelings than general friendliness.
Annwyl continued to be the most complex creature he'd ever met. And, when he wasn't staring at her chest or rear, he found her intelligent, delightful, and extremely funny. Just a joy to be around. But only the dragon seemed lucky enough to see that side of her. When he came to her as the knight, he found her surly, foul tempered, and downright rude. He still found her a joy to be around, but probably because he liked how she smelled when she became angry. ~ G.A. Aiken
Funny General quotes by G.A. Aiken
I've always been attracted to humor and funny people in general. It's a joy to make people laugh, but it's not as fun as laughing yourself. ~ Jennifer Garner
Funny General quotes by Jennifer Garner
As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless. ~ Lord Chesterfield
Funny General quotes by Lord Chesterfield
I see no reason to suppose these machines will ever force themselves into general use. ~ Duke Of Wellington
Funny General quotes by Duke Of Wellington
I don't know the first real thing about the dating game. I don't know how to talk to a specific person and connect. I just think you have to go to person by person and do the best you can with people in general. ~ Jason Schwartzman
Funny General quotes by Jason Schwartzman
Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: 'Who's the third? ~ Arthur Stanley Eddington
Funny General quotes by Arthur Stanley Eddington
General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy. ~ Ambrose Bierce
Funny General quotes by Ambrose Bierce
And have your white friend say how funny it is, that American pollsters ask white and black people if racism is over. White people in general say it is over and black people in general say it is not. Funny indeed. More suggestions for what you should have your white friend say? Please post away. And here's to all the white friends who get it. ~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Funny General quotes by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
So many of my friends have always been women growing up ... I always feel slightly more comfortable around women because with guys in general there's always more of a danger zone ... it's very aggressive sometimes the way guys act with each other, putting each other down and calling each other names, so I was always too sensitive for that and used to hang out with the girls. And they were always really funny to me. ~ Paul Feig
Funny General quotes by Paul Feig
As it 'appens, I am Arthur's right-hand man," said Suzy. "Or left-hand girl, I can't remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least the thumb and the little finger. I mean, I'm his top General, and all. So if I say you're in, you're in. ~ Garth Nix
Funny General quotes by Garth Nix
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. ~ Steven Wright
Funny General quotes by Steven Wright
I'm now a pretty good mix of my mother and my stepfather because I'm in general pretty mellow. I'm not hyper-emotional. But there's also this side of me - my mother was an artist and very funny and a dancer and very wild and into fashion. My stepfather traveled a lot, and I kind of took on a role of parenting my mother a lot of times, because she was pretty hard to handle. A bit of a pistol. ~ Tig Notaro
Funny General quotes by Tig Notaro
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.' ~ Elayne Boosler
Funny General quotes by Elayne Boosler
The general systems of money management today require people to pretend to do something they can't do and like something they don't. It's a funny business because on a net basis, the whole investment management business together gives no value added to all buyers combined. That's the way it has to work. Mutual funds charge two percent per year and then brokers switch people between funds, costing another three to four percentage points. The poor guy in the general public is getting a terrible product from the professionals. ~ John C. Bogle
Funny General quotes by John C. Bogle
I wouldn't be where I am without these Funny or Die videos in general. When I was first starting out, I would take roles just to get the experience, but not exactly because I believed in the projects I was doing. ~ Dave Franco
Funny General quotes by Dave Franco
This week I was watching the Rachel Maddow Show (you'd love her: she's funny and brilliant and just happens to be a stunning butch), and she was interviewing the outgoing attorney general, Loretta Lynch, about the country's post election future. The entire show was like a burst of hope so bright I almost had to put on sunglasses. The African American attorney general, prim and plump, sat perched on a barstool talking to a white butch lesbian who has her own national television news show! The event was being recorded in the Stonewall Inn, the site of one of the first places where queer people fought back against police violence! (I was so nervous about being a lesbian in 1969, I hid the tiny newspaper clipping from you.) Simply that the interview was happening made me remember that there are people in the world who are not such egotistical, political careerists as to believe that human rights don't matter. Then, as if just showing up wasn't enough, Attorney General Lynch spoke a truth that is hard to remember from our short-lived perspective: "History is bigger than one turn of the electoral wheel." During your eighty-eight years on this plane, you saw numerous turns of the wheel, and many of them did not land on a prize. Still, toward the end of your life, you took me in and bestowed not just a roof and clothes and food but the gift of your history and the knowledge that we find hope inside ourselves. ~ Jewelle L. Gómez
Funny General quotes by Jewelle L. Gómez
Do I have a long-term plan? Kind of. I have a general direction, I think. But it's funny what comes down the pike. ~ Jeff Bridges
Funny General quotes by Jeff Bridges
If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American
our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. ~ Jon Stewart
Funny General quotes by Jon Stewart
The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life. ~ Oscar Wilde
Funny General quotes by Oscar Wilde
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