Funny Aging Quotes

With age come the inner, the higher life. Who would be forever young, to dwell always in externals? ~ Elizabeth Cady Stanton

You know you're getting old when all the names in your black book have M. D. after them. ~ Harrison Ford

I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry. ~ Josh Billings

Thirty was so strange for me. I've really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult. ~ C.S. Lewis

He who is of a calm and happy nature, will hardly feel the pressure of age ~ Plato

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' ~ Lillian Gordy Carter

That was the funny thing about smiles
if you flashed the right one, no one knew there was more going on inside. ~ Laurelin Paige

Though the funny thing about never being asked for anything is that after a while you start to feel like maybe you don't have anything worth giving. ~ Lev Grossman

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny. ~ Eugene Mirman

I wasn't always this way. But the friction of life has a way of turning sharp edges into smooth ones, smooth edges into sharp ones, until you've become a duller, slightly misshapen version of your former self. ~ Neel Patel

I may not be funny. I may not be a singer. I may not be a damn seamstress. I may have diabetes. I may have really bad vision. I may have one leg. I may not know how to read. I may not know who the vice president is. I may technically be an alien of the state. I may have a Zune. I may not know Excel. I may be two 9 year olds in a trench coat. I may not have full control of my bowels. I may drive a '94 Honda Civic. I may not "get" cameras. I may dye my hair with Hydrogen Peroxide. I may be afraid of trees. I may be on fire right now. But I'm a fierce queen. ~ Justin Johnson

Every Day Is for the Thief, by turns funny, mournful, and acerbic, offers a portrait of Nigeria in which anger, perhaps the most natural response to the often lamentable state of affairs there, is somehow muted and deflected by the author's deep engagement with the country: a profoundly disenchanted love. Teju Cole is among the most gifted writers of his generation. ~ Salman Rushdie

Eventual, as Pug used to say. When he wanted to say something was really good, he's never say it was awesome, like most people do; he'd say it was eventual. How funny is that? The old Pugmeister. I wonder how he's doing. ~ Stephen King

You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they've never seen horror movies. They don't know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go screaming off into the woods alone. No one has any sex. ~ Carrie Vaughn

It depends on the way you shoot it. It's something I don't really control. The main goal is to make a funny movie, but then I let my mind go. I get lost sometimes in the writing, trying to find some special zones. That's the excitement of making a movie. ~ Quentin Dupieux

Women may be the one group that grows more radical with age. ~ Gloria Steinem

Comedy clubs can be brutal. Those people are for real, and if you aren't funny, they aren't laughing. They don't care who you are. ~ Marlon Wayans

I have to tell you I enjoy Jon Stewart. That's the truth. I actually think he's very funny. I've paid to see him do his stand-up routine. ~ Megyn Kelly

I remember standing against the bar in Budapest's airport with a couple of workmates, some chaps from McLaren too, waiting for our homeward flight to be called after the '92 race weekend. The chap behind the counter was doing the exact same thing: halving and squeezing oranges. Funny how these things spark memories. It was an exceedingly hot afternoon that day, and I remember seeing James Hunt walk through the door with Murray Walker. We were waiting for the same flight, a charter to London; I think pretty much the whole of the paddock's British contingent was on it. Murray looked perfectly normal . . . like Murray really . . . open-necked shirt, briefcase, what have you; but James was wearing nothing but a pair of red shorts. He carried a ticket, a passport and a packet of cigarettes. That was it. There wasn't even a pair of flip-flops to spoil the perfect minimalist look.
The thing that really made the event stick in my mind, though, was that James was absolutely at ease with himself, perfectly comfortable. This was real for him, no stunt or affectation designed to impress or shock, this was genuine: James Hunt, former world champion driver, current commentator for the BBC; work done for the day . . . going home. Take me, leave me; do what you bloody well want, just don't give me a hard time about your own petty hang-ups. He became a hero of mine that day. Sadly, his heart gave out the following summer and that was that. He was only forty-five. Mind you, he'd certainly ~ Steve Matchett

I only ever play Vegas one night at a time. It's a hideous, gaudy place; it may not be the end of the world per se, but you can certainly see it from there. ~ Robin Williams

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance. ~ Will Rogers

I am intelligent
I am attractive
I am powerful
I am proactive
I am health
I am strength
I am stealth
I am surrounded by love
I am a beacon of hope
I-- HORKFLAKGLORKSPUKE
....
That was a hairball
And I am a cat
And what just happened
I am fine with that ~ Francesco Marciuliano

The Rolling Stones suffered a great loss with the death of Ian Stewart, the man who had for so many years played piano quietly and silently with them on stage. ~ Andy Peebles

I feel like I'm going to die,' he says.
'Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?'
'Only if you do it quietly.'
'I met this girl last night. I need your advice.'
'Come back later.'
'No. You might be dead. ~ Doug MacLeod

Kyra." Fred caught Kyra's eyes. "I'm not in love with Ariana and I don't want half the kingdom."
"You don't?"
He shook his head. "But I might stick around for a little while longer. There are some interesting things in the Kingdom of Mohr."
"Like what?"
"Like a certain funny and extremely talented potioner."
Kyra took a breath. "I have to warn you, Hal isn't that great as a boyfriend. He's pretty self absorbed. ~ Bridget Zinn

Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don't look awful this time.
Me (Ilona): ...

~A little later~

Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*
Kid 1: Hey, you've got to see these pies. *opening the stove*
Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.
Kid 1: I know, right? ~ Ilona Andrews

Holy mama llama. That's Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I'm supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I'm going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap. ~ D.L. Hess

It's really funny if two women stand on the House floor. There are usually at least two men who go by and say, 'What is this, a coup?' They're almost afraid to see us in public together. ~ Patricia Schroeder

There was a part of my brain that wanted to ask if his wife had a beard, verify my theory. I told that part of my brain to shut up. ~ R.R. Virdi

The man who never in his mind and thoughts travel'd to heaven is no artist. ~ William Blake

Although my book is banned I am still allowed to go to China and travel. There is no longer the kind of control that Mao used to have-there have been deep fundamental changes in society. ~ Jung Chang

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! ~ Henny Youngman

Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place. ~ Murray Walker

Customers perceive service in their own unique, idiosyncratic, emotional, irrational, end-of-the-day, and totally human terms. Perception is all there is! ~ Tom Peters

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I was hoping that the first time you expressed affection for me, it would not be in a room full of strangers. And that you would not have just said it to a sniveling creature like that Raymond!"
"I expressed affection for Ray?"
"Yes!"
"Man, I really must be drunk." Louis-Cesare just looked at me. I blinked politely back, until I realized that he expected a response. ~ Karen Chance

They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean? ~ Adam Rex

A reader should be able to identify a column without its byline or funny little picture on top purely by look or feel, or its turgidity ratio. ~ William Safire

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!' ~ Demetri Martin

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

It's so funny because I haven't set foot in a grocery store in years, you know. And that's so embarrassing ... I kept going, 'What's this?' "First of all I had the cart and I was riding down the aisles standing on it. And there's nobody there but us. And we got in the checkout. And I'm seeing this square thing, and I'm like, "What's this you guys?" And Missy just looked at me. And they said, "That's so you can use your credit card." And I said, "You can use your credit cards in grocery stores now? ~ Janet Jackson

It was the most fun I've ever had on a movie. It was one of the happiest times in my life. I was living in New York, and I really enjoyed acting at the time. Also, it's funny because that was also the time when I went downhill. ~ Mickey Rourke

I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers. ~ Steve Martin

And there it was. That slight lisp. That awful accent. That funny face that made him ache. Charlie wasn't just a cheat. He was a liar as well. Because Violette Zidane wasn't just the girl he was shagging, like he told the cop. She sort of owned his heart a little. Kind of a lot. ~ Melina Marchetta

She likes to walk barefoot inside the house, even in winter
It's one of the secretes of her long-lasting mobility, keeping her toes spread and feet grounded, same as all the other beasts of nature
Hooves, that's what she's got
hooves ~ Bernardine Evaristo

O what a thing is age! Death without death's quiet. ~ Walter Savage Landor

I survived a divorce, no children and come to Paris three days per week. My cat ran away on a love adventure; don't know when he will be back. ~ Tionne Rogers

It means you got your glow on." He smiled, hovering right alongside me. "It means you're on your way. ~ Alyson Noel

Funny how people that don't believe in nothin' are so quick to believe every crazy story about people like us. ~ Dean Koontz

The roughest part of that lifestyle is the travel and early mornings. ~ Josie Maran

I have also heard and read various accounts of why they [Sheldon Leonard and Carl Reiner] liked me. My favorites? I wasn't too good-looking, I walked a little funny, and I was basically kind of average and ordinary. I guess my lack of perfection turned out to be a winning hand. Let that be a lesson for future generations. ~ Dick Van Dyke

If you give a little credit to the concept of the artist, I think you ought to indulge excesses a bit, because that reflects the personality of the writer. Now if a joke is in bad taste or it's not funny, okay, that's awhole different thing, but how you craft a joke is really what the writer's job is, and I don't think that technique should be subject to any editorial constraints. ~ Bill Watterson

If somebody says 'I love you' to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires? 'I love you, too'. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. ~ Steven Wright

I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me. ~ Andy Weir