Funeral Humor Quotes

Most of the funeral stuff is going to be done during daylight hours," I said.
"I'm not even going to be able to attend the burial.
Humans get upset when vampires burst into flames right next to them. ~ Molly Harper

Fifteen minutes, a myriad of cups, kleenexes and freshly-vacuumed floor mats and seat cushions later, Kay had the interior of the limousine looking ship-shape. Inching backward out of the car on her knees, she caught a glimpse of one last bit of trash she'd missed hiding under the driver's seat. Lowering her chest to the floor, she stretched her arm under the seat as far as it would go. She grabbed the item and pulled it out and raised herself up from her crouched position. She took one look at the used condom swinging from her fingers, screamed and flung it across the top of the front seat, where it stuck to the air conditioner vents on the dash. She knelt there staring at the thin latex mess, a million scenarios racing through her mind. ~ Delora Dennis

Wining and dining instead of crying and wailing at a funeral in sympathy with the bereaved is a mockery of condolence. If the dead are capable of anything, they will zip up the mouth of everyone in attendance except those crying and condoling. ~ Vincent Okay Nwachukwu

She would die faking her death. All she could think about was how much Marius would laugh at her funeral. ~ Emma Clifton

Never wear a top hat and tails and bring a saw to a funeral ~ Josh Stern

It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him. ~ Mark Twain

Folk wisdom: quaint sayings of urban sophisticates compiled from the suburbs. ~ Bauvard

He lives near me so we do some things together." His throat felt tight. "Well, lots of things, actually. But of course we have our own lives. Both know it's important we don't get in each other's way. It's not like he needs me, needs my help for anything."
"But you do."
Garry turned his head so swiftly, he heard it crick.
"You need him," Emily announced, gravely. "Don't you?"
And while he desperately searched for something to say that would stop this right now, she peered carefully at his shoulders and neck.
"You need him to do your hair, to comb out those very nasty dangles. It's difficult, I know. I can't do my plates on my own."
Max caught Garry's eye. "Tangles," he mouthed. "Plaits. ~ Clare London

Is there a short-eared koobish, then?'
Mmmyes ... ' said J.Lo. 'But it is technically not really a koobish. Is more alike a kind of singing pumpkin.'
We had conversations like these all the time, where I just eventually gave up. ~ Adam Rex

When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time ~ Josh Stern

Whenever your in shit theres an asshole behind it. ~ Tony Arauz

The gene pool could use a deep end ~ Josh Stern

Humor is a kind of emotional chaos told about calmly and quietly in retrospect.There is always a laugh in the utterly familiar. ~ Max Eastman

Mind you, I'm a fine one to talke. I mean, I killed myself and just look at me now: I'm a qualified pilot, I can escape from a cockpit in five metres of water and I'm halfway up a mountain with a nutty gymnast who wants to chuck herself off the edge. ~ Steve Voake

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience. ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

This was Hist and Lit, after all. If you couldn't work the term "liminal" into your tutorial, you were doing it wrong. ~ Lauren Willig

Now what happens?" asked the man in black.
"We face each other as God intended," Fezzik said. "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone."
"You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people, is that it? ~ William Goldman

I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels. ~ Darynda Jones

It's awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage? ~ Ilona Andrews

If we have another 2,000 people killed, I want Nancy Pelosi and George Soros, John Conyers and Pat Leahy to go to the funeral and say, 'Your son was vaporized because we didn't want to dump some guy's head under water for 30 seconds.' ~ Peter T. King

Ready?" Aeron called over.
Michael span to see him giving a thumbs up to the booth. His eye was drawn down to the huge war hammer hanging from his other hand.
"How about we start with a chase? Try to touch the far wall and get back here before I cripple you." He smiled as if he'd said 'tag you', not 'cripple you'. ~ Dylan Perry

I'm sure that being sober all these years accounts for my ill humor. ~ Fran Lebowitz

I have a dark sense of humor,' Fanny explained.
'What's that supposed to mean?' asked Honor.
'It means I'm funny once you get to know me,' Fanny said. ~ Allegra Goodman

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. ~ Steven Wright

A couple from Sydney or Melbourne might leave on the same day for their holiday: the wife might go sun-bathing at Surfers Paradise, in Queensland, the husband ski-ing in the Snowy Mountains. A lucky country. ~ George Mikes

Dad hit lecture mode from word one. ~ Devon Monk

Felicity laughs and takes on the tone of a fashionable lady. Darling, the Bryn-Joneses have just done the most marvelous thing in their parlor with human blood. We simply must have ours done straightaway! ~ Libba Bray

You're not a Horse!" the woman cried.
That,Steven thought, is a strange thing to say. ~ Stan Lee, Stuart Moore, Andie Tong

Hookers, Hondas and Hollywood all approach customers with a different mindset than the rest of the business world. Whereas most businesses talk about the importance of "customer service," agents, mechanics and people of the night talk about "servicing customers."

It is an important distinction, as customer service is generally a reactive process in which professionals and businesses respond to the needs of their clients, while servicing customers involves exploration to discover what the customer needs in order to start firing all the cylinders. ~ Ari Gold

A perfect person is easy to love. But when somebody likes all your imperfections, well, that's when you know they really mean it. ~ Michelle Dalton

Richard didn't mind Gwyn being rich ... Having always been poor was good preparation for being rich. Better than having always been rich ... The well and all its sweet water would surely one day run dry. ~ Martin Amis

Many great people had been considered to be boring, like Nigel Mansell, but anyone who had read the racing driver's autobiography, "Clutch Down, Dick Out", would know that perception was way off the mark. ~ Mark Jackman

Neighbor ... was that the word for "whoring tramp" nowadays? ~ Gena Showalter

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. ~ Phyllis Diller

Seeing a patter doesn't mean you know how to put it all together. Take baby steps: don't focus on the folks whose skills are far beyond your own. When you're new to something-or you haven't tried it in a while-it can feel impossibly hard to get it right. Every misstep feels like a reason to quit. You envy everyone else who seems to know what they're doing. What keeps you going? The belief that one day you'll also be like that: Elegant. Capable. Confident. Experienced. And you can be. All you need now is enthusiasm. A little bravery. And-always-a sense of humor. ~ Kate Jacobs

I want to meet life head on. That way it can't bite me in the a$$ ~ Madison J. Edwards

I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Housework can kill you if done right. ~ Erma Bombeck

When people disagreed with him he urged them to be objective. ~ Joseph Heller

I need to know you believe me when I say I love you. That is all."
"I believe everything you say," Tessa said with a smile, her hands creeping doen from his waist to his weapons belt. Her fingers closed on the hilt of the dagger, and she yanked it from the belt, smiling as he looked down at her in surprise. "After all," she said, "you weren't lying about the tattoo of the dragon of Wales, were you? ~ Cassandra Clare

One knows so well the popular idea of health: the English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the unbeatable. ~ Oscar Wilde

Things seem one way, and then another way - you gotta get used to it. ~ Art Hochberg

There's always a source for humor. ~ Calvin Trillin

Whiskey grunted. By his count, he and Patrick had six days to go before he hauled the kid out by his ear on field work and let Fly Bait plan the destruction of all testosterone-based land mammals on general principal. ~ Amy Lane

The pendulum of the mind oscillates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong. ~ C. G. Jung

The dead must humor the mourners, he thought, and the sick must comfort the visitors. It was always so. ~ Walter M. Miller Jr.

I'm not that bad," he said. "I'm rich, popular. I have a sense of humor. I'm good looking, and not to mention I have a really big - ~ J.M. Darhower

To tell the truth, it is regarding the physical side of marriage that I have always been apprehensive...There so seldom seems to be enough of it," said Miss Teatime. ~ Colin Watson

Anyway, if the Cetagandans really wanted to assassinate you, they'd hardly do it here. They'd slip something subtle under your skin that wouldn't go off for six months, and then would drop you mysteriously and untraceably in your tracks ~ Lois McMaster Bujold

The evolutionary curve obviously sloped pretty gently where Six came from. ~ John Connolly

I like girls who eat Carrots. ~ Louis Tomlinson ~ One Direction