Food Humor Quotes

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. ~ Charles M. Schulz

The act of waitressing is a solace, it's got everything you could ask for - confusion, panic, humility, and food. ~ Eve Babitz

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security. ~ Dave Barry

You always hear a headline like this, 'Man Killed By Shark', you never hear it from the other perspective, 'Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food'. ~ Gary Larson

Just eat some chex mix and have a glass of milk and you'll be fine. ~ Caleb Eversole

There's a great Lebanese restaurant a few blocks over. They have the best shawarma in the world."
"What's shawarma?"
"You know what a gyro is?"
"No."
"Same thing. ~ Huston Piner

I love you like a fat kid loves cake! ~ Scott Adams

Neighbours complaining about someone's dog making an awful racket. You could hardly blame the poor beast, its owner had died in her bed at least a fortnight before and there hadn't been much left of the old girl worth eating. ~ James Oswald

I finally figured out the big, elusive secret to weight loss. Don't eat! Who knew? ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Roth grinned then. Anyway, back to me. I'm all better and I am back. He slid me a sly look that made me want to punch him instead of cry into my pillow like a baby. I'm sure I was missed. He took a big bite of the hamburger and grinned around the mouthful. A lot.
I didn't know what happened that switched my emotions so fast. The hurt his rejection had left behind exploded into rage- like the head-spinning, spraying-green-vomit kind of rage. My brain kicked off. I wasn't thinking as I reached over and plucked the hamburger right out of his hand.
Twisting at the waist, I threw the hamburger on the floor behind Roth as hard as I could. The satisfactory splat it made as ketchup and mayo splattered like a gruesome burger massacre brought a wide smile to my face. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage. ~ Terry Pratchett

Pizza tastes as good as being skinny feels. ~ Lauren Leto

Don't eat till you're full, eat till you're tired. ~ Andrew Zimmern

I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted
most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them. ~ Nora Ephron

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing. ~ Joss Whedon

I prefer noodles when they're raw, they taste just as good, but reward you with a satisfying crunch... ~ Callum Horncastle

It appears your son was 85 percent curry! ~ Danny Wallace

I don't eat food, I eat fat. ~ Bradley Wright

For a moment, or a second, the pinched expressions of the cynical, world-weary, throat-cutting, miserable bastards we've all had to become disappears, when we're confronted with something as simple as a plate of food. ~ Anthony Bourdain

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life. ~ Dave Barry

The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals. ~ Dave Barry

I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey. ~ Charles Bukowski

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it. ~ Scott Adams

Pecans are not cheap, my hons. In fact, in the South, the street value of shelled pecans just before holiday baking season is roughly that of crack cocaine. Do not confuse the two. It is almost impossible to make a decent crack cocaine tassie, I am told. ~ Celia Rivenbark

A person may not want any more of his cake; but that is no reason for giving it away. ~ Victor Hugo

How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of your body the day after you eat it. ~ Laurie Notaro

Some breakfast food manufacturer hit upon the simple notion of emptying out the leavings of carthorse nose bags, adding a few other things like unconsumed portions of chicken layer's mash, and the sweepings of racing stables, packing the mixture in little bags and selling them in health food shops. ~ Frank Muir

Despite her unrepentant aversion to Italian food, which her husband put down to her nation's historic distrust of Italy, she suddenly declared: All I want in life is to be able to get a take-away pizza! ~ Julia Stuart

Stop fretting and eat your Madeira Cake.. ~ Diane Samuels

Been in a lot of time zones. Been on a lot of planes. Had a lot of complimentary honey-roasted peanuts whapped onto my tray table by hostile flight attendants. "Would you care for some peanuts, sir?" WHAP. Like that. The flight attendants hate us passengers, because we're surly to them because our flight is delayed. Our flight is always delayed. The Russians will never be able to get their missiles through the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns. ~ Dave Barry

Sorry to hear about your Dad."
He shrugged. "He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him."
"Heart attack?"
"He was hit by a Pizza Express truck. ~ J.A. Konrath

If we are going to start calling industrial corn sustainable, then we might as well say that petroleum is a renewable resource if you're willing to wait long enough. ~ Catherine Friend

Will everyone stop eating dinosaurs?' she frowned. ~ Neale Osborne

It has long been my motto that if you cannot get your act together... then the very least you can do is try to make your act entertaining. ~ Becky Johnson

If it's dive-bombing you from the air, bury yourself in the sand. It might lose sight of you. Also, no one likes to eat food covered in sand. No one. ~ Andrew Shaffer

If you are able to introduce a white person to a new cheese, it's like introducing them to a future spouse. ~ Christian Lander

A six mile meteorite cannot compare with a culinary cataclysm of this magnitude. ~ Michelle Franklin

Never trust a German to get a sauce right. Their solution to everything is just add more butter. ~ Kate Quinn

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as "mineral" and "linoleum." ~ Dave Barry

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant. ~ Scott Adams

Stocks may come and stocks may go, but food goes on forever. ~ Beatrice Fairfax

Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising. ~ Meg Cabot

Are bacon and chocolate the foundation of a good meal? No, everybody knows
that is a deep fryer and/or gravy. However, I have long held the notion that you can't name a food that I can't improve by adding either bacon or chocolate. ~ Aaron Blaylock

I can tell by the look on Hagin's face that he had eaten some of my food. It is amazing those boys aren't fat. ~ R.A. Smith

Like most humans, I am hungry ... our three basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens that when I write of hunger, I am really writing about love and the hunger for it ... ~ Mary Francis Kennedy Fisher

One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to die alone in my home, and my cats will eat me because I am too dead to open their food cans. ~ Kelli Jae Baeli

If Charles Lindbergh, flying with no instruments other than a bologna sandwich, managed to cross the Atlantic and land safely on a runway completely covered with French people, why are today's airplanes, which are equipped with radar and computers and individualized liquor bottles, unable to cope with fog? ~ Dave Barry

Do you think Bubbles wants Chinese food
because it's made out of cats?" Genevieve questioned, shoveling a big bite into her mouth.
"Genevieve, that's just gross and wrong. Don't say things like that. Bubbles is a dog, and their stomachs are bottomless pits. They'll eat anything and
everything in sight."
Genevieve quickly swallowed. "Well, Bobby said in China they eat cats."
"Gen, I assure you, we.are.not eating cats," I responded slowly trying to make sure another food wasn't crossed off her 'will eat' list. It was ever growing shorter.
"All lies!" Genevieve proclaimed, sticking her fork high in the air with a piece of chicken, only to have it fall, never touching the floor. "See? Cat! ~ Ottilie Weber

I'm asked a lot what the best thing about cooking for a living is. And it's this: to be a part of a subculture. To be part of a historical continuum, a secret society with its own language and customs. To enjoy the instant gratification of making something good with one's hands
using all one's senses. It can be, at times, the purest and most unselfish way of giving pleasure (thought oral sex has to be a close second). ~ Anthony Bourdain

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt. ~ Scott Adams

The potatoes were starch grenades. The canned carrots were revolting because that is their nature. ~ David Mitchell

If I want Italian and you want Japanese, why can't you compromise and have Italian?" my husband once said to me, redefining the word "compromise. ~ Nell Scovell

'You've got a smart mouth, boy. And you swear too much. I should do what your mama failed to do and soap out your filthy mouth.'
Unwilling to hide the smirk, Jamie flashed it unrepentantly. 'Shit, your organic-oatmeal-and-mint soap probably tastes better than your cookies. Bring it on.' ~ Finn Marlowe

I really like to cook. I used to do it lots for Mom, who's almost as useless as you, and it means I can practice describing all the different dishes. That always makes narratives seem less repetitive - and you can use them as metaphors, too. ~ Stephfordy Mayo

The body of the last Flealouse contained the flesh of everything that had ever lived. It was content. ~ Alasdair Gray

We worked side by side building our sandwiches. Mine, just a few modest layers of meat and cheese, with a bit of lettuce for some added crunchiness; his, a Dagwood, piled high with turkey, ham, salami, lettuce, tomatoes, two kinds of cheese, and - were those jalapenos - with a teetering slice of bread carefully placed on top - there's no way that's going to fit into his mouth - he admired it for a moment then using his giant paw, smashed it into submission. ~ Candace Vianna

Human history is full of depressing things like colonization, disease, racism, sexism ... inventions of things which they had no idea how to handle (the atomic bomb, the Internet, the semicolon) ... And through it all there has always been some truly awful food. ~ Matt Haig

Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there. ~ Jen Lancaster

Thanksgiving day was a holiday when everybody in the country was expected to express gratitude to the creator of the universe mainly for food. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms. ~ Bill Maher

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with. ~ Dave Barry

By the 1920s if you wanted to work behind a lunch counter you needed to know that 'Noah's boy' was a slice of ham (since Ham was one of Noah's sons) and that 'burn one' or 'grease spot' designated a hamburger. 'He'll take a chance' or 'clean the kitchen' meant an order of hash, 'Adam and Eve on a raft' was two poached eggs on toast, 'cats' eyes' was tapioca pudding, 'bird seed' was cereal, 'whistleberries' were baked beans, and 'dough well done with cow to cover' was the somewhat labored way of calling for an order of toast and butter. Food that had been waiting too long was said to be 'growing a beard'. Many of these shorthand terms have since entered the mainstream, notably BLT for a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, 'over easy' and 'sunny side up' in respect of eggs, and 'hold' as in 'hold the mayo'. ~ Bill Bryson

During World War II, when combat rations were tinned, meat hashes were a common entrée because they worked well with the filling machines. "But the men wanted something they could chew, something into which they could 'sink their teeth,'" wrote food scientist Samuel Lepkovsky in a 1964 paper making the case against a liquid diet for the Gemini astronauts. He summed up the soldiers' take on potted meat: "We could undoubtedly survive on these rations a lot longer than we'd care to live." (NASA went ahead and tested an all-milkshake meal plan on groups of college students living in a simulated space capsule at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in 1964. A significant portion of it ended up beneath the floorboards.) ~ Mary Roach

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. ~ James Beard

The F word turns me on, she whispered.
The F word?
Food
He threw back his head and laughed. It rumbled up out of his chest and felt so good it startled him. For the first time in years,his laughter was spontaneous. It wasn`t tinged with bitterness and cynicism. ~ Sandra Brown

When you celebrate, there is sure to be cake."
Florence Ditlow, in "The Bakery Girls. ~ Florence Ditlow

Cookie is like high five for stomach. ~ The Cookie Monster

[S]ometimes, when you are a food person, the possible irrelevance of what you are doing doesn't cross your mind until it's too late. (Once, for example, when I was just starting out in the food business, I was hired by the caper people to develop a lot of recipes using capers, and it was weeks of tossing capers into just about everything but milkshakes before I came to terms with the fact that nobody really likes capers no matter what you do with them. Some people pretend to like capers, but the truth is that any dish that tastes good with capers in it tastes even better with capers not in in. ~ Nora Ephron

If life gives you the wobbles make jelly. ~ Magdalena VandenBerg

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of four peanuts. ~ Dave Barry

Will you dance for me? Let your breasts roam for a moment
I need to see how they dance.'
'Okay.' She danced, and as she danced, she tried to think of the most delicious salads she could imagine
with artichokes and sundried tomato and blue cheese dressing, and beets, lots of beets. ~ Nicholson Baker

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. ~ Mitch Hedberg

He got a tan over break. I used to tell him he was so pale he looked like a marshmallow. He hated that I compared him to food. I told him that's what he got for calling me caramel. It shut him up. ~ Angie Thomas

Success. I turned back to my sandwich, only to find that it wasn't there anymore. Maybe because it had been hijacked.
"Give me that!" I told the vamp, who was holding it firmly against his chest, a determined look on his face.
"What ees zat?" he demanded, eyeing my prize.
"Cheese." I held it up.
"Zat ees not cheese."
"How do you know?"
"Eet is orange."
"A lot of cheese is orange."
"Non! No cheese ees that color. Cheese comes from zee milk. Zee milk, eet ees white. When 'ave you seen milk that looks like zat?"
I held up the square of little slices and pointed at the bold-faced label. "Processed American Cheese."
He snatched the package, without letting go of his hostage. And eyed it warily. "Eet says 'cheese food.'" He looked up, obviously perplexed. "What ees thees? Zee cheese, it does not eat. ~ Karen Chance

I'd eat a picnic in Hades with him. ~ Kristen Ashley

I hate the notion of a secret recipe. Recipes are by nature derivative and meant to be shared - that is how they improve, are changed, how new ideas are formed. To stop a recipe in it's tracks, to label it "secret" just seems mean. ~ Molly Wizenberg

She glanced down at the contents of her plate. Just tell him what it is. Simple. Look at it and say what it is. "Sloppy Joe," she managed.
"Hmm," he said, sounding doubtful. "May he rest in peace. ~ Kelly Creagh

When you don't fit in anymore, eat less. ~ Benny Bellamacina

I'd rather eat nothing than eat a carrot. ~ Marian Keyes

I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food. ~ Ron Swanson

I thought we were going to take a 20-mule team out to the Grand Canyon and get a Bunsen burner and a bow and arrow, and whatever you can catch you cook. And it's gotta be gourmet and it better look good. ~ The Creators Of Top Chef

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all. ~ Dave Barry

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky. ~ Erma Bombeck

Bouillabaisse is only good because cooked by the French, who, if they cared to try, could produce an excellent and nutritious substitute out of cigar stumps and empty matchboxes. ~ Norman Douglas

Until-as often happened during those first months travel, whenever I would feel such happiness-my guilt alarm went off. I heard my ex-husband's voice speaking disdainfully in my ear: So this is what you gave up everything for? This is why you gutted our entire life together? For a few stalks of asparagus and an Italian newspaper?
I replied aloud to him: "First of all," I said, "I'm very sorry, but this isn't your business anymore. And secondly, to answer you question ... yes. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Please go to this pizzeria. Order the margherita pizza with double mozzarella. If you do not eat this pizza when you are in Naples, please lie to me and tell me that you did. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

You should use any cheese on pizza as long as it's 100% Mozzarella. ~ Wayne Gerard Trotman

Thin people, God bless them, God curse them, don't get it: If you're not thin, you need to be careful and conscious about when and how you suitors initially see you. ~ Frank Bruni

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway. ~ Scott Adams

But the goal of the arts, culinary or otherwise, is not to increase our comfort. That is the goal of an easy chair. ~ Jeffrey Steingarten

It's woman's power, food is. You be sure you know where'n the hook is before swallerin' it, Dru. You mind me, now. ~ Lili St. Crow

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch. ~ Orson Welles

So I didn't have time to craft artful lies and evasions even if I'd wanted to. ~ Anthony Bourdain

Preparing the communal evening meal sometimes caused arguments. Every village in Sicily had a different recipe for squid and eels, disagreed on what herbs should be disbarred from the tomato sauce. And whether sausages should ever be baked. ~ Mario Puzo

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science ~ Michelle M. Pillow

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. ~ W.C. Fields

Couldn't he have come out and greeted her like a civil human being instead of lurking from his kitchen while she shared a clearly intimate moment with his brisket? ~ Tracy Ewens

An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~ Will Rogers

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around. ~ Dave Barry

We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. ~ David Mamet