Fallon Quotes

President Obama recently said that his day is all about politics, so in the mornings he likes to watch ESPN. So if you get the feeling he's repeating himself every half hour, that's where he learned it from. ~ Jimmy Fallon

how we think of free will. While we all think that we first plan our actions and that they are then willfully carried out, in some cases a part of our frontal lobe may actually "decide" first, unconsciously, that we will perform an act, and after we carry out the act we fool ourselves into thinking we planned it. ~ James Fallon

No-one gets beaten to death quite like Hilary Swank ~ Jimmy Fallon

An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

During a recent press conference, former President Jimmy Carter said he could never run for president today because he doesn't have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he's the famously bad president Jimmy Carter. ~ Jimmy Fallon

The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins. ~ Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites. ~ Jimmy Fallon

During the CPAC conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it was time for a new president and that people need to help make the change. Of course, most people agreed with him, since that's how term limits work. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It's good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you're in a canoe. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could easily win. Although you know who'd definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump. ~ Jimmy Fallon

BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean. ~ Jimmy Fallon

EvenPatrickBateman,ChristianBale'sself-loving,unhinged characterinthefilmadaptationofAmerican Psycho,isnotrepresentativeofatruepsychopath,asheistooviolenttoberealistic.Theseare caricatures - eventhemostviolentcriminalsarerarelysoobviouslyinsane. ~ James Fallon

Seek, and you shall be disappointed. Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face. ~ Jimmy Fallon

We're only given one mind and body at birth. And they're the only ones we get, so it's up to us to take care of ourselves. ~ Colleen Hoover

Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Don't Keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason ~ Jimmy Fallon

It was only after oral tales became written orthodoxies that some people were labeled "pagans" and "heretics" and burned at the stake for unorthodox views. The greatest strength media ecology possesses is its ability to generate unorthodox views. Media ecology makes a better "Trojan horse" than a golden bull. ~ Peter K. Fallon

They're making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama's first date, called 'Southside With You,' and the producers say they've already cast someone to play young Barack Obama. Now, I'm not saying the president has aged a lot but that young actor is Morgan Freeman. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, the White House confirmed that President Obama will meet with Pope Francis during his visit in September. Some experts are wondering if they'll discuss their disagreement over contraception. Then Joe Biden said, 'I didn't even know they were dating.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

Thank you ... 'Real Housewives of Atlanta,' for demonstrating a universal truth: Idiots like me will always watch idiots like you fight on TV. You will forever be in my TiVo. ~ Jimmy Fallon

There is redemption in every song. ~ Brian Fallon

Halloween is tomorrow. A group of wine experts has actually come up with a list of the best wines to pair with Halloween candy. They say, White wine goes great with Skittles, red wine goes great with Twix, and ... we're alcoholics, aren't we? ~ Jimmy Fallon

Joe Biden will speak to the nation's largest gay rights group during a human rights convention on Friday. Then on Saturday, he is scheduled to speak to them again to apologize for whatever he said in Friday's speech. ~ Jimmy Fallon

According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, 'OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?' ~ Jimmy Fallon

Rand Paul is officially running for president. He even revealed his campaign slogan, which is 'Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.' It's hard to tell if he's running for president or doing an infomercial for Bowflex. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Some areas near Dallas experienced a 3.5-magnitude earthquake, which some blame on fracking. However, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game. ~ Jimmy Fallon

It seems like everybody's weighing in on Trumps campaign - even Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. He said that Trump is 'probably the best thing to happen to politics in a long, long time.' Then Trump was like, 'Well, at least one Cuban loves me.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

Despite Russia's move to raise interest rates this week, the value of the ruble has continued to crash. Russia's economy is so bad, Edward Snowden had to put government secrets on Craigslist. ~ Jimmy Fallon

If people want to see you, they'll find you. If they don't see you on TV, they'll find you on the Internet. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Good morning, beautiful, call when you're awake. xx Adam. ~ Leigh Fallon

Being a father is the most exciting, amazing thing that ever happened to me. ~ Jimmy Fallon

I don't like to kick people when they're down. I like to kick people when they're up. ~ Jimmy Fallon

On Tuesday, Utah Candidate Mia Love became the first black Republican woman elected to Congress. She's also a Mormon. Yeah, a black female Republican Mormon. Even unicorns are saying, 'Not buyin' it.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head. ~ Jimmy Fallon

When the tide of misfortune moves over you, even jelly will break your teeth - Persian Proverb ~ Jennifer Fallon

People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, 'Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

It was announced today that Iran has reached a deal with the U.S. to limit its nuclear program and send most of its uranium to Russia. Then Americans said, 'That's great! Wait, WHAT?' ~ Jimmy Fallon

During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that his favorite movie this year was 'Boyhood.' It makes sense. If there's one thing Obama can identify with, it's aging several years over the course of a couple of hours. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Hurt me?" he asked. "How would you do that? By taking away everything I love? Everything I honour? You're too late, Hannah. Far too late. Fallon already did that."
Claire's terrible feeling suddenly condensed into a heavy, sickening weight. "He took Jesse," she said. "Fallon took Jesse. ~ Rachel Caine

Reality never changes. It is our attitudes about reality that change. ~ Peter K. Fallon

Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Fallon smiled. 'We said we are going to try. You are declaring love and saying I'm not going anywhere.' Lucas shrugged his shoulders. 'I'm a confident, cocky kinda guy, I know what I want and I will succeed. ~ Toni Aleo

They got a great performance from me. I was happy. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon is handsome. This is an indisputable fact. ~ Andy Kindler

Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: 'We think we're important enough to charge money for our garbage.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

A man in Georgia was arrested for burglary after he left his Facebook account open on the victim's computer. But this is nice: He's only been in jail a few hours, and his status already says In a Relationship! ~ Jimmy Fallon

Ben: You're gonna get arrested.
Lindsey Meeks: You can't sell your tickets!
Ben: That's why you ran across the whole field? ... Wait, you've got to tell me - was it spongy? ~ Jimmy Fallon

I read that as marijuana legalization becomes more popular, it could affect the jobs of drug-sniffing dogs. Or as those dogs put it, 'Thanks, Bo Obama.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

I remember people saying to us, "You're too nice. Hollywood is going to eat you up and spit you out." I never listened to them. ~ Jimmy Fallon

I'll be fine. It's just hard to love somebody who doesn't love you back," Fallon answered. ~ Marcia Lynn McClure

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Life is like a clam, when it opens, you gotta grab the gooey stuff. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Everyone looks so much better when they smile. ~ Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said that if he could have any superpower, he'd want the ability to speak any language. That's so everyone in the world could tell him he picked one of the lamest possible superpowers. ~ Jimmy Fallon

MSNBC host Lawrence O'Donnell is saying Donald Trump lied when he said he made $20 million a year off his 'Apprentice' series on NBC. NBC also denied Trump's claim, saying, 'We don't have $20 million. We're NBC.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

My father was one of 11. He was an attorney. My mother worked for the Syracuse newspaper as a columnist before she became a stay-at-home mother. ~ Siobhan Fallon Hogan

Despitethecontroversyoverwhetherpsychopathsexist,psychiatristsgenerallyagreethatoneofthe definingcharacteristicsofthosewerefertoaspsychopathsisthelackofinterpersonalempathy,whatone mightcallaflatemotionalplayingfield.Psychopathsmaynothate,buttheyalsomaynotlovetheway mostofuswouldprefertoloveandbeloved.Psychopathsareusuallymanipulative,arechampionliars, andcanbequiteglibanddisarminglycharming.Theydon'tfearconsequencesthewaymostpeopledo, andwhiletheymayreacttothestressofbeingcaughtinalieorviolentactlikeanyonewould,some remaincoolascucumbers.Eventhemostdangerouscanappearjovial,carefree,andsocialattimes,but soonerorlatertheywilldisplayatellingdistance,aquietcoldheartednessanddisregardforothers.They areoftenimpulsive,yetlackguiltandremorse,meaningtheymayinviteyoutojoininontheirreckless, evendangerousfun,andthenshrugtheirshouldersifsomeonegetshurt. ~ James Fallon

Both President Obama and former President George W. Bush were interviewed on 'Face the Nation' over the weekend. President Bush said there's a 50 percent chance his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. Then he said, 'But there's an 80 percent chance he won't.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

RobertHarehaspointedoutthatsociologistsaremorelikelytofocusonthe environmentalorsociallymodifiablefacetsofthedisorder,sopreferthetermsociopathy,whereas psychologistsandpsychiatristsprefertoincludethegenetic,cognitive,andemotionalfactorsaswellas thesocialfactorswhenmakingadiagnosis,andthereforewouldoptforpsychopathy. ~ James Fallon

Still, a part of me will never stop thinking of her as my sergeant. She's the toughest, most competent, and most evenhanded soldier I've known, and she runs her squad as a strict meritocracy. If only a tenth of the military consisted of people like Sergeant Fallon, we would have kicked the SRA off of every inhabited celestial body between Earth and Zeta Reticuli fifty years ago already. As things stand, we're weighed down by people like Major Unwerth, who coast through the system doing only the expected minimum. If a military is the reflection of the society it serves, it's amazing that the Commonwealth is still at the top of the food chain on Terra. Even with all the dead wood in our ranks, we have been able to hold the line against the SRA and the dozens of regional powers in the Middle East and the Pacific Rim that are short on resources and long on grievances with their neighbors. ~ Marko Kloos

Scott Walker's campaign slogan is 'Reform. Growth. Safety.' Which is actually similar to Donald Trump's new slogan: 'Mexico. Money. Crazy.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

All I care about is you. Being with you every day. Seeing you every day. I'm not finished falling in love with you yet. ~ Colleen Hoover

This week Biden said that he will decide on a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the spring or the summer. Then he said, 'Whichever comes first.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

But that isn't the strangest part," Fallon said. He peered down the corridor, as if to make sure Philip wasn't nearby.
Then he turned to Charlotte. "He's started thanking me, Your Grace." His beetled eyebrows pulled low. "When I iron the paper, he thanks me. When I announce a visitor, he thanks me. Why, he even thanked me the other day for opening the door. 'Thank you, Fallon,' he says. ~ Ashley March

In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham's personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call. ~ Jimmy Fallon

A major Iowa newspaper published an op-ed against Trump calling him a 'self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard.' Or as Trump put it, 'You forgot very rich ... I'm a very rich, self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard. Very, very rich.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

When you have a baby, sleep is not an option. You can't sleep. Even on vacation, you wake up at 6:30 a.m. ~ Jimmy Fallon

I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Meant to be together? Are you listening to yourself? This isn't one of your fairy tales, Fallon. This is real life, and in the real world you have to bust your ass for the happy ever after! ~ Colleen Hoover

It's good. Things are great, Fallon.The only thing not going right in my life is the fact that you aren't part of it every single day. ~ Colleen Hoover

John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to run for a sixth term in the Senate, saying that he's still healthy and ready to go. Then people around McCain said, 'Why is he talking to that mannequin?' ~ Jimmy Fallon

The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, 'Uh, make the sidewalk lower?' ~ Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon and I play regularly at the Bayonne Golf Club in Jersey. He's eighteen holes of fun. Any time we play he has moments of brilliance, but also moments of utter catastrophe. ~ Mario Batali

In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she's not qualified to be President? ~ Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he's running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Fallon rolled her eyes. "How am I going to deal with the rest of my life? I'm pretty damn sure if I don't get laid soon, I'm gonna hump his face! ~ Toni Aleo

I didn't act like I was there. I just got into the story. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Sandler's always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Shouldn't every day be Earth Day? I mean, what are our options? ~ Jimmy Fallon

Whenever I'm stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, 'Where did the creator of The Jetsons go, and why hasn't he done something about this?' ~ Jimmy Fallon

Politicians are really getting desperate. In fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sent out a final fundraising email to Democrats with the subject line, 'I'm begging.' Because what better way to show you're a strong leader than acting like you're drunk and dialing your ex? ~ Jimmy Fallon

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is expected to announce tomorrow that he is running for president, making him Hillary Clinton's only Democratic challenger so far. Or as Hillary put it, 'Oooo, appetizers!' ~ Jimmy Fallon

President Obama broke a world record after he reached a million followers on Twitter in just five hours. The only guys not following Obama? His Secret Service agents. They lost track months ago. ~ Jimmy Fallon

A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you. ~ Jimmy Fallon

I tried almost every genre. I decided at 14 I wanted to be a writer. I think I had to wait until they invented word processors to get serious about it, but I really tried every genre, and fantasy was the one that gave me the scope to do the most ... you could play with worlds more. ~ Jennifer Fallon

A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage. ~ Jimmy Fallon

During a recent event at a restaurant called Tommy's Country Ham House in South Carolina, presidential candidate Ben Carson delivered a speech right after he lost his front tooth. Which still left him with more teeth than everyone combined at Tommy's Country Ham House. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Lucas too was shoveling pancakes into his mouth. Syrup dripped from the sexy stubble that covered his chin and her mouth watered at the sight. Fallon no longer wanted the syrup that covered her pancakes. More like the syrup from his chin, and lips, or hell just dump it on him!!! ~ Toni Aleo

Pencil me in for another sleep date soon. ~ Leigh Fallon

I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny,' then fall asleep. ~ Jimmy Fallon

I am a fan of 'SNL' and a big Jimmy Fallon fan, too. ~ Julian Casablancas

One of the candidates at the early GOP debate, George Pataki, said his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor. ~ Jimmy Fallon

She released her weapon with one hand, twisted around, and kissed him. It was the deepest she had ever kissed him. Blood filled his face, and he went limp at the touch of her lips. Namine took the moment of dropped defense to put Zarrys flat on his back with a long blade at his throat before he even knew what was happening. As he looked up the long shaft to her smiling face, he gave an embarrassed chuckle. Fallon and Kirah were laughing behind her.
"Me," Namine said proudly. Then she withdrew the weapon and helped Zarrys back to his feet.
Cheeks burning, Zarrys returned his sword to its sheath. "That's cheating. ~ S.R. Ford

The big news is the midterm elections. Last night Republicans picked up a dozen seats in the House to give them their biggest majority since World War II. Or as they put it, 'Time to party like it's 1939!' ~ Jimmy Fallon

Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been re-titled 'Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.' ~ Jimmy Fallon

It's good common sense, your grace.'
Mahina shook her head. 'Good sense is far from common, I fear, Tarja. ~ Jennifer Fallon

We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you'd expect, security's been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden. ~ Jimmy Fallon

The way I see it, we're all either Trayvon Martin or we're George Zimmerman. The choice is ours. There's no in-between. ~ Peter K. Fallon

This week the Obama administration warned China to remove its secret agents from the U.S. Then in the middle of Obama's announcement a plant behind him got up and walked away. ~ Jimmy Fallon

I didn't audition for 'SNL.' I sent in a tape to 'SNL' the year before I started writing there, but I got the job there through doing stand-up on Fallon. ~ Hannibal Buress