Erma Bombeck Quotes

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. ~ Erma Bombeck

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this. ~ Erma Bombeck

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him. ~ Erma Bombeck

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer. ~ Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~ Erma Bombeck

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys. ~ Erma Bombeck

I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance. ~ Erma Bombeck

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. ~ Erma Bombeck

The term 'working mother' is redundant. ~ Erma Bombeck

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. ~ Erma Bombeck

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. ~ Erma Bombeck

I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors. ~ Erma Bombeck

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not. ~ Erma Bombeck

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. ~ Erma Bombeck

Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?' ~ Erma Bombeck

No One Diets on Thanksgiving. ~ Erma Bombeck

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight. ~ Erma Bombeck

If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk? ~ Erma Bombeck

('I'm going to be more assertive, if that's all right with you', as Erma Bombeck says), and ~ Stephen King

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV ... never had a garage sale. ~ Erma Bombeck

I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too. ~ Erma Bombeck

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, Never mind! I'll do it myself. ~ Erma Bombeck

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? ~ Erma Bombeck

The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track? ~ Erma Bombeck

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. ~ Erma Bombeck

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name. ~ Erma Bombeck

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot. ~ Erma Bombeck

Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives. ~ Erma Bombeck

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises. ~ Erma Bombeck

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. ~ Erma Bombeck

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact. ~ Erma Bombeck

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best. ~ Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. ~ Erma Bombeck

Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children. ~ Erma Bombeck

Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant. ~ Erma Bombeck

It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style. ~ Erma Bombeck

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart. ~ Erma Bombeck

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?" ~ Erma Bombeck

Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles. ~ Erma Bombeck

Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence. ~ Erma Bombeck

No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love. ~ Erma Bombeck

You always hear about fashion's success stories. How a starlet lost an earring one night and by the next morning, the entire country was wearing one earring. Or how sweaters made a comeback in a drugstore, or a First Lady influenced how we dressed during her reign. But what about the losers? The fashions that came and went out the same day? The hopes and dreams of designers that were shattered by the sound of fifty million women ... laughing themselves to death. ~ Erma Bombeck

Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed. ~ Erma Bombeck

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids. ~ Erma Bombeck

I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service. ~ Erma Bombeck

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. ~ Erma Bombeck

Children make your life important. ~ Erma Bombeck

Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. ~ Erma Bombeck

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture. ~ Erma Bombeck

When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others. ~ Erma Bombeck

A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight. ~ Erma Bombeck

To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something. ~ Erma Bombeck

Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don't necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I'd be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can't have everything. ~ Erma Bombeck

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. ~ Erma Bombeck

I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal. ~ Erma Bombeck

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. ~ Erma Bombeck

I've always worried a lot. And frankly I'm good at it." The late Erma Bombeck, one of the funniest women ever. ~ Catherine Robertson

Adults are always telling young people, 'These are the best years of your life.' Are they? I don't know. Sometimes when adults say this to children I look into their faces. They look like someone on the top seat of the Ferris wheel who has had too much cotton candy and barbecue. They'd like to get off and be sick but everyone keeps telling them what a good time they're having. ~ Erma Bombeck

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. ~ Erma Bombeck

Every puppy should have a boy. ~ Erma Bombeck

I lost everything in the post-natal depression. ~ Erma Bombeck

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. ~ Erma Bombeck

I Was 37 Years Old at the Time" - August 7, 1976 For years, you've watched everyone else do it. The children who sat on the curb eating their lunches while waiting for their bus. The husband you put through school who drank coffee standing up and slept with his hand on the alarm. And you envied them and said, "Maybe next year I'll go back to school." And the years went by and this morning you looked into the mirror and said, "You blew it. You're too old to pick it up and start a new career." This column is for you. ~ Erma Bombeck

Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged. ~ Erma Bombeck

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine. ~ Erma Bombeck

After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery. ~ Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. ~ Erma Bombeck

We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle. ~ Erma Bombeck

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded. ~ Erma Bombeck

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket. ~ Erma Bombeck

She's as funny as a toothache ~ Erma Bombeck

When a man's got cream in the refrigerator at home, he won't go out looking for two-percent butterfat. ~ Erma Bombeck

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. ~ Erma Bombeck

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. ~ Erma Bombeck

I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit. ~ Erma Bombeck

Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married. ~ Erma Bombeck

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. ~ Erma Bombeck

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan. ~ Erma Bombeck

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? ~ Erma Bombeck

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. ~ Erma Bombeck

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. ~ Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows. ~ Erma Bombeck

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused. ~ Erma Bombeck

Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each. ~ Erma Bombeck

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows. ~ Erma Bombeck

When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility. ~ Erma Bombeck

He who laughs ... lasts. ~ Erma Bombeck

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. ~ Erma Bombeck

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us. ~ Erma Bombeck

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing. ~ Erma Bombeck

For from this day forward his world can only widen. An existence that began in a crib, grew to a house, and extends over a two-block bicycle ride will now go even beyond that. I will share him with another woman, other adults, other children, other opinions, other points of view. I am no longer leading. I am standing behind him ready to guide from a new position. ~ Erma Bombeck

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. ~ Erma Bombeck

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty. ~ Erma Bombeck

Not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals. ~ Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. ~ Erma Bombeck

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. ~ Erma Bombeck

Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth! ~ Erma Bombeck

Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water. ~ Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. ~ Erma Bombeck

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born. ~ Erma Bombeck