Emo Philips Quotes

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long? ~ Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' ~ Emo Philips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers ... damn anthropologists. ~ Emo Philips

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much! ~ Emo Philips

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer. ~ Emo Philips

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me. ~ Emo Philips

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference. ~ Emo Philips

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby. ~ Emo Philips

How many people here have telekinetic power? Rise my hand ~ Emo Philips

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide. ~ Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers ... no, I take that back. ~ Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. ~ Emo Philips

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before". ~ Emo Philips

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet. ~ Emo Philips

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life. ~ Emo Philips

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us. ~ Emo Philips

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy. ~ Emo Philips

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be. ~ Emo Philips

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.' ~ Emo Philips

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it? ~ Emo Philips

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him. ~ Emo Philips

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me. ~ Emo Philips

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th. ~ Emo Philips

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness! ~ Emo Philips

I learned about sex the hard way ... from books. ~ Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ~ Emo Philips

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a ... small child. ~ Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. ~ Emo Philips

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know ... You break it, you buy it. ~ Emo Philips

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. ~ Emo Philips

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like. ~ Emo Philips

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs? ~ Emo Philips

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that". ~ Emo Philips

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way. ~ Emo Philips

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy. ~ Emo Philips

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize. ~ Emo Philips

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ... " ~ Emo Philips

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats. ~ Emo Philips

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out. ~ Emo Philips

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible. ~ Emo Philips

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?' ~ Emo Philips

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. ~ Emo Philips

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are. ~ Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. ~ Emo Philips

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. ~ Emo Philips

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' ~ Emo Philips

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good
bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?' ~ Emo Philips

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me. ~ Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. ~ Emo Philips

I'm not a Republican ... but I am saving up to be one. ~ Emo Philips

I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements. ~ Emo Philips

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block. ~ Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? ~ Emo Philips

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing. ~ Emo Philips

Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball. ~ Emo Philips

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat. ~ Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ~ Emo Philips

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny. ~ Emo Philips

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit. ~ Emo Philips

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid ... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers. ~ Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. ~ Emo Philips

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat. ~ Emo Philips

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo. ~ Emo Philips

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years. ~ Emo Philips

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home. ~ Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. ~ Emo Philips

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center. ~ Emo Philips

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. ~ Emo Philips

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose. ~ Emo Philips

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow. ~ Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. ~ Emo Philips

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something. ~ Emo Philips

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy ... ~ Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. ~ Emo Philips

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint. ~ Emo Philips

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?' ~ Emo Philips

Ambiguity - the Devil's volleyball. ~ Emo Philips

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell. ~ Emo Philips

What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is. ~ Emo Philips

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ~ Emo Philips

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked. ~ Emo Philips

Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but ... ~ Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' ~ Emo Philips

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die. ~ Emo Philips

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement. ~ Emo Philips

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository. ~ Emo Philips

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine. ~ Emo Philips

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back ... ~ Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. ~ Emo Philips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. ~ Emo Philips

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead. ~ Emo Philips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way. ~ Emo Philips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference. ~ Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. ~ Emo Philips

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic ... in morse code. ~ Emo Philips

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn. ~ Emo Philips

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples ... you don't have to shout into them! ~ Emo Philips

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. ~ Emo Philips

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th ... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak. ~ Emo Philips

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important. ~ Emo Philips