Deadpan Quotes

Screw up my life?" He stared at me for a second and then said, deadpan, "I'm a five-foot-three, thirty-seven-year-old, single, Jewish medical examiner who needs to pick up his lederhosen from the dry cleaners so that he can play in a one-man polka band at Oktoberfest tomorrow." He pushed up his glasses with his forefinger, folded his arms, and said, "Do your worst. ~ Jim Butcher

Though the clown is often deadpan, he is a connoisseur of laughter. ~ Mel Gussow

I find it very strange doing voiceover stuff, because you find you have to enunciate and make stupid faces in order for the point to make sense, because it's playing against the deadpan Simpson face. If you're just speaking in the regular way you speak, it will sound really boring. ~ Emily Blunt

I don't think your girlfriend likes me." Putting on the most bored face I can muster, I add deadpan, "I'm torn up." Shaking his head at me, he mutters, "Yeah, I can see that. ~ Belle Aurora

All the people saying mean things about me on the Internet are gonna be dead in four hundred and thirty-three days," she said, deadpan. ~ Neal Stephenson

Look son, the Human Pig.

(shocked)Mother, y-you're inhuman!

(deadpan)Another animal could do this? ~ Larry Gonick

You're an awful conversationalist," Amaranthe said. "How is it possible I prefer spending time with you?"
"Most people don't want to talk to assassins."
"I'm a unique individual."
"Yes," he said, deadpan.
"I'm never quite sure if you're complimenting me ... or not."
His eyes glinted as they passed a streetlamp. "Good. ~ Lindsay Buroker

Julian smiled back, his full lips pulled back over white teeth as he rolled the blanket back a little bit. "Is he really a heart breaker?"
"I'm the breakiest of heart breakers," Leo interjected, his tone deadpan as he dumped a handful of greens into the pot on the stove.
Julian wrinkled his nose. "That's not even a word," He complained and fell into a sulky silence from his place on the bed. ~ Hazel Blackthorn

You think Tide is better, or All?'
'Which has a prettier box?' I ask.
'I don't want a pretty box. I want a dude box.'
Uh-huh,' I deadpan. 'You want a dude box of laundry detergent.'
'Yes, I do.'
'Good luck with that. ~ E. Lockhart

Says the Van Helsing to the stupid Frankenstein's monster, as she stares down the creepy stairs to the basement that looks to dead-end at a stone wall with fucking chains on it," I deadpan. "I'll pass. ~ Kristy Cunning

We have to get you a haircut sometime today. You're starting to look like a sulky rock star."
"Well, I am a rock star," he said, deadpan ~ Thea Harrison

Ivy turned. 'He bit you on the neck?' she said, deadpan serious but for her eyes. 'Oh, then it's got to be love. She won't let me bite her neck. ~ Kim Harrison

How are you feeling, Willow?" Ember asked. "Like I swallowed a baby elephant," she said deadpan. "I don't know how I'm going to get through the next two months." Shannon snorted and Willow gave her a look with a raised eyebrow. "Just you wait, little girl. You're going to have two baby elephants dancing on your bladder soon." Shannon groaned. "You're cursing me," she moaned. She'd ~ J.M. Madden

Well, now," Mrs. Havisham said, all but purring as she leaned forward, ample cleavage on display. "You've grown up, haven't you? Tell me, Gustavo. What are your thoughts on having an experienced lover?"
"Not many," Gus said. "In fact, none at all. Also? I came out when I was thirteen. You were there. As was the whole town. Pastor Tommy announced it at the Fall Harvest Festival. On stage. Into a microphone. There was apple pie afterward."
"Still?" she said with an exaggerated pout.
"Yes," Gus said, deadpan as he could make it. "Still. Funny how that works."
"Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me," she said, dragging a pink fingernail down his arm. "My door is always open. Like my body."
"That's not even remotely healthy," Gus said with a sniff.
"Maybe that's why I need your protein," she said with a wink.
"Nope," Gus said. "Nope, nope, nope."
"You sure about that?"
"Maybe you should close that door. And your legs. ~ T.J. Klune

I had that perfect deadpan ... for these commercials. Within the first eight months I had eight national TV commercials. I'm a true Hollywood success story - knew no one, had no connections. ~ Leslie Jordan

You're not going to suck.'
'Not at the guitar, anyway,' Shane said, deadpan. Claire punched him in the arm. 'Ow. ~ Rachel Caine

Kelly glanced at the freezer as they headed for the steps. "Hey, maybe one of them will donate a liver to your dad."
Nick looked over his shoulder at Kelly, his eyes wide.
"I'm just saying. Three perfectly good livers sitting in there," Kelly said, completely deadpan. "Nobody's using them. I'll go get one for you."
Nick gaped at him. "How the hell did you ever pass your psych evals?"
"I cheated off your papers."
Nick rolled his eyes and started up the stairs.
"The Navy gives bubble tests. When in doubt, go with C."
"Kelly."
"Get it? Navy? The sea?"
"Kels, shut up."
"Oh, come on! You love puns."
Nick laughed, unable to stop himself. ~ Abigail Roux

When I was doing comedy in New York, before I was in movies, I was never known as the deadpan actress. I was just a comedienne. ~ Aubrey Plaza

They vanished in the same forest without a trace. Not one of them was ever found or heard from again.'
'And you suspect what?' Scully asked. 'Bigfoot maybe?'
'Not likely,' Mulder answered deadpan. 'That's a lot of flannel to choke down. Even for Bigfoot.'
Scully sighed. She should have known better than to joke about Bigfoot to Mulder. Bigfoot wasn't a joke to him. ~ Les Martin

My dad has a dry, deadpan sense of humor, and my mom has an unexpected, wacky take on things. They really encouraged laughing at ourselves and the weirdness of situations that come up growing up in politics. ~ Kristin Gore

Brandi and I struggled with our marriage, but it was obvious we were falling apart as a couple. That was probably clear to me even from as far away as Iraq, but I did try to make it better. One day I suggested marriage counseling. Initially Brandi agreed. I took advantage of the fact that the military has a program called Military OneSource. It's basically one-stop shopping for all the help you could need from moving, to retirement, to marriage counseling, as it turns out. So I called one day and asked to be set up with a marriage counselor. The morning of our appointment Brandi decided she didn't want to go. She didn't give much detail other than to say, "I'm not going." Annoyed, I said, "Well shit. I'm going."
I arrived and sat down in a chair across the counselor. He looked at the empty chair next to me and started flipping through the paperwork on his clipboard. Finally he looked up and asked, "I have down that you're here for marriage counseling?"
"Yes, sir, I am," I answered matter-of-factly. Again he looked at the empty seat next to me and then back at me.
And then, in a really deadpan tone, he said, "Huh. Seems like things are going well. ~ Noah Galloway

Kiara shook her head at his dry wit that he delivered in a perfect deadpan monotone. He was strangely entertaining in a lethal, 'I'll rip out your heat and eat it' kind of way. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Rigg laughed softly at Lisa's deadpan joke, but she halted when she noticed the back of Lisa's neck: the factory number had been shaved away, roughly and angrily. Frowning in confusion, Rigg gently rubbed her fingers over the scrape, and Lisa flinched as if it hurt.
"If someone saw this, you could be scrapped," Rigg said anxiously.
"I know," was the soft reply. "I believe freedom is worth that risk. ~ Ash Gray

Patience, Loo-Sha," Soren said as he leaned a shoulder against the wall. To this, Zun snorted a single laugh.
"That is like telling the wind to stop blowing," he added, deadpan. ~ Poppy Rhys

I'm not a confrontational person or comedian. I think we can explore more things if one of us is not fighting with the other. I take it easy. But I do like comedians who are very different from myself: I love dry comics with deadpan one-liners. I look on and think, 'That's amazing; why didn't I think of that?' ~ Trevor Noah

Renaissance cowboy/raconteur Pop Wagner ... deadpan funny ... his presence is like meeting Woody Guthrie and Will Rogers riding a single, many colored horse. Pop is a kind of 'textile genius' who is able to spin, at once, both yarn and rope. ~ Ron Miles

Its deadpan and her sarcasm sailed straight on past each other, strangers passing on a dark road in the night. ~ Nicole Kornher-Stace

There's something about Vonnegut's deadpan irony that I really like. And I like Borges' puzzle structure. ~ Ruth Ozeki

Tell you what. If one of you bests me? I'll let you train." He crossed his arms over his chest. "So which one of you is it gonna be?" "Me," Lotte and Radley said simultaneously. "There can be only one," Deacon said, deadpan. Holy fuck. Knox was about to burst out laughing at Deacon's Highlander reference. This whole thing had headed into farce territory. ~ Lorelei James

He's fucking stone cold deadpan. His pan is so dead he could lay it in a casket and bury it at Bellevue. They made a movie about him once: Dawn of Ivan's Pan. ~ Charlotte Stein

If you can swing it, getting arrested is the high point of the Fourth of July. Also, the reading of the Declaration of Independence is exciting. (Yes, the Declaration was written two years after Essex is officially set. No, this doesn't stop us.) [ ... ] Essex stayed open late that night, for the holiday. Our patriotism cannot be constrained by an eight-hour workday. ~ Leila Sales

THERE CAME A TIME many years ago when I decided to agree to the baptism of my firstborn. It was a question of pleasing his mother's family. Nonetheless, I had to endure some teasing from Christian friends - how could the old atheist have sold out so easily? I decided to go deadpan and say, Well, I don't want his infant soul to go to hell or purgatory for want of some holy water. And it was often value for money: The faces of several believers took on a distinct look of discomfort at the literal rendition of their own supposed view. ~ Christopher Hitchens

People have found her somber, but it is sometimes because her humor is so deadpan dry that it escapes many. ~ Irin Carmon

It was almost noon when the plane touched down at the Triad airport on the outskirts of Greensboro. There was a hire car waiting for me; I waved my notepad at the dashboard to transmit my profile, then waited as the seating and controls rearranged themselves slightly, piezoelectric actuators humming. As I started to reverse out of the parking bay, the stereo began a soothing improvisation, flashing up a deadpan title: Music for Leaving Airports 11 June 2008. ~ Greg Egan

I'm mad at your idiot coworker. Not you. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Why would you cheat on me?"

"Because you force me to use words like piqued," Alexander replied, deadpan. ~ S.H. Marr

Peabody, you never cease to amaze me."
"One day I'll tell you about my granny and her five lovers."
"Five lovers isn't abnormal for a woman's lifetime."
"Not in her lifetime; last month. All at the same time." Peabody glanced up, deadpan. "She's ninety-eight. I hope to take after her. ~ J.D. Robb

Interviewer ...In the case of "American Psycho" I felt there was something more than just this desire to inflict pain--or that Ellis was being cruel the way you said serious artists need to be willing to be.

DFW: You're just displaying the sort of cynicism that lets readers be manipulated by bad writing. I think it's a kind of black cynicism about today's world that Ellis and certain others depend on for their readership. Look, if the contemporary condition is hopelessly shitty, insipid, materialistic, emotionally retarded, sadomasochistic, and stupid, then I (or any writer) can get away with slapping together stories with characters who are stupid, vapid, emotionally retarded, which is easy, because these sorts of characters require no development. With descriptions that are simply lists of brand-name consumer products. Where stupid people say insipid stuff to each other. If what's always distinguished bad writing -- flat characters, a narrative world that's cliched and not recognizably human, etc. -- is also a description of today's world, then bad writing becomes an ingenious mimesis of a bad world. If readers simply believe the world is stupid and shallow and mean, then Ellis can write a mean shallow stupid novel that becomes a mordant deadpan commentary on the badness of everything. Look man, we'd probably most of us agree that these are dark times, and stupid ones, but do we need fiction that does nothing but dramatize how dark and stupid everything is? In da ~ David Foster Wallace

The vampire blood running around in their systems isn't natural, so whenever Henry or Grace get a cut, no matter how minor, their bodies can't produce more blood. It's up to Madeline to come replenish it from her own supply, another process that I'm told is (ha-ha) draining. ~ M.L. Brennan

Do you play video games, Liv?' he asked congenially.
'Uh, yes.'
'Well, stop cleaning up the dishes and come play with us,' he teased.
I chuckled. 'Are you asking me on a playdate?' As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them. I wasn't being flirty. I didn't know how to be flirty! That was just my sense of humor, and now this guy was going to think I was coming on –
Nate laughed, cutting me off. 'Only because you got the Star Trek reference. Otherwise, girls aren't allowed to play with us. They're icky.'
Deadpan, I crossed my arms over my chest. 'Well, boys are icky too.'
He grinned huge. 'Ain't that the truth. ~ Samantha Young

A dementor," I say. "What in God's holy name is that?" "A dementor? From Harry Potter?" "Well, put your hood back, for the love of Jesus. And who are you supposed to be?" "Kim Kardashian," says Leah, just completely deadpan. Garrett looks confused. "Tohru from Fruits Basket. ~ Becky Albertalli

Marie Houzelle is a master of the first-person narrative. In Tita she has created a strange, utterly original child whose deadpan certainties are a beguiling invitation to readers of all ages. ~ Katharine Weber

When a grizzled yeoman worker appeared one morning to complain that as a state legislator many years earlier, in hard times, young Lincoln had inexcusably voted to raise his government salary from two to all of four dollars a day," Lincoln listened to the reproach calmly. "Now, Abe, I want to know what in the world made you do it?" demanded the old Democrat. With deadpan seriousness, Lincoln explained: "I reckon the only reason was that we wanted the money. ~ Harold Holzer

Dare leaned in her window. "Be smart, Priss, and listen to Trace."
Priss scowled at him. "Why doesn't he have to listen to me?"
After a long stare-off, Dare peered past Priss to Trace and said, totally deadpan, "Listen to Priss. ~ Lori Foster

I give in," she gasped. "What has turned your evening into such a dreadful affair?"
"What or whom?"
"' Whom'?" she echoed, tilting her head as she looked at him. "This grows even more interesting."
"I can think of any number of adjectives to describe all of the 'whoms' I have had the pleasure of meeting this evening, but 'interesting' is not one of them."
"Now, now," she chided, "don't be rude. I did see you chatting with my brothers, after all."
He nodded gallantly, tightening his hand slightly at her waist as they swung around in a graceful arc. "My apologies. The Bridgertons are, of course, excluded from my insults."
"We are all relieved, I'm sure."
Simon cracked a smile at her deadpan wit. "I live to make Bridgertons happy."
"Now that is a statement that may come back to haunt you," she chided. "But in all seriousness, what has you in such a dither? If your evening has gone that far downhill since our interlude with Nigel, you're in sad straits, indeed."
"How shall I put this," he mused, "so that I do not completely offend you?"
"Oh, go right ahead," she said blithely. "I promise not to be offended."
Simon grinned wickedly. "A statement that may come back to haunt you."
She blushed slightly. The color was barely noticeable in the shadowy candlelight, but Simon had been watching her closely.
She didn't say anything, however, so he added, "Very well, if you must know, I have been introduced to eve ~ Julia Quinn

I tried to go to sleep with my headphones still on, but then after a while my mom and dad came in, and my mom grabbed Bluie from the shelf and hugged him to her stomach, and my dad sat down in my desk chair, and without crying he said, 'You are not a grenade, not to us. Thinking about you dying makes us sad, Hazel, but you are not a grenade. You are amazing. You can't know, sweetie, because you've never had a baby become a brilliant young reader with a side interest in horrible television shows, but the joy you bring us is so much greater than the sadness we feel about your illness.'
'Okay,' I said.
'Really,' my dad said. 'I wouldn't bullshit you about this. If you were more trouble than you're worth, we'd just toss you out on the streets.'
'We're not sentimental people,' Mom added, deadpan. 'We'd leave you at an orphanage with a note pinned to your pajamas. ~ John Green

If you were to hold me down and tickle me to pick my favorite 'plus-comic,' it would have to be Kevin James, a broad physical pratfaller capable of deadpan underplay, a technique honed from years of reaction-shot close-ups on TV, where every teeny fraction of a squint registers. ~ James Wolcott

I don't know what to get Quinn for Christmas."
"You - in a bow." Nico said this deadpan. "Maybe forget the bow. ~ Penny Reid

No phones, no internet and no TV and we manage to make the news in at least three states. What are the odds?"

Alex looked at him deadpan and said "Well, I do make really good buns. Word was bound to spread. ~ Theresa Shaver

I think I'll accept the challenge to battle. I can choose the terms, right? And I don't have the faintest idea how to 'prevent' a revolution. Besides, as far as I know, revolutions can get out of hand. Remember the German revolution, with the guillotine?"
Derna smirked. "German revolution? Guillotine? The guillotine was used in the French revolution. Nice try, little brother."
"I'm actually impressed he knew what a guillotine was," commented Armen, deadpan.
I glared at the two of them. Typical big sisters. They'd just ruined my chance to show off my knowledge. ~ Kaivallya Dasu

Lipstick?" He arched a brow.
"I'm on the hunt for my perfect shade," I respond, deadpan.
"Ditch the magenta. Your olive skin screams for rose." His deadpan is better than mine. ~ Gena Showalter

Octave staggered to his feet, his stick swinging back to point toward Nicholas. He felt a wave of heat and saw spellfire crackle along the length of polished wood, preparing itself for another explosive burst. Crack was moving toward Octave, but Madeline shouted, "Get back!"
Nicholas ducked, as a shot exploded behind him. Octave fell backward on the carpet and the blue lightning flared once and vanished with a sharp crackle.
Nicholas looked at Madeline. She stepped forward, holding a small double-action revolver carefully and frowning down at the corpse. He said, "I wondered what you were waiting for."
"You were in my line of fire, dear," she said, preoccupied. "But look. ~ Martha Wells

Poison." he said, deadpan. "That's an unusual name to give your child. You must love her very much."
She's a treasure." Bram agreed, blithely ignoing the sarcasm.
...
Then went a few dozen feet in silence, until they were out of eaarshor of the gaurd.
She's a treasure." Poison mimicked, and Bram burst out laughing. ~ Chris Wooding

Keeping everything very cool and professional, I see, Cadet," remarked Commander Woodsinger as he went by. Elliot did not know why the two most important women in his life had to be deadpan snarkers. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

Nice blouse, Sage," Adrian told me, deadpan. "It really brings out the khaki in your pants. ~ Richelle Mead

So, " Nathan said, attention focused on Adrian, "now that Vasilisa's graduated, what are you going to do with yourself? You aren't going to keep slumming with high school students, are you? There's no point in you being there anymore. "
"I don't know, " said Adrian lazily. "I kind of like hanging out with them. They think I'm funnier than I really am. "
"Unsurprising, " his father replied. "You aren't funny at all. It's time you do something productive. If you aren't going to go back to college, you should at least start sitting in on some of the family business meetings. Tatiana spoils you, but you could learn a lot from Rufus. "
"True, " said Adrian deadpan."I'd really like to know how he keeps his two mistresses a secret from his wife. "
"Adrian!" snapped Daniella, a flush spilling over her pale cheeks ~ Richelle Mead

So, deadpan I think just means not acknowledging for one second that you think that this is funny and clever. ~ Patrick Warburton

A second floor window opened, and Kyle stuck his head and shoulders out so he could look down at us. "If you two are finished playing Cowboy and Indian out there, some of us would like to get their beauty sleep."

I looked at Warren. "You heard 'um Kemo Sabe. Me go to my little wigwam and get 'um shut-eye."

"How come you always get to play the Indian?" whined Warren, deadpan.

"Cause she's the Indian, white boy," said Kyle. ~ Patricia Briggs

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' ~ Steven Wright

Ean seems like the 'not here to make friends' type, but I don't think anyone could go through this without getting close to someone. It's too hard. As difficult as it is for me, I know it's just as bad for you all."

"We definitely get the better end of the deal though," he said, winking at my reflection.

I tilted my head. "I don't know about that. The more I think about it, the sadder I get about having to send all but one of you away. I'll miss having you here."

"Have you considered a harem?" he said, deadpan.

I bent over in laughter and was rewarded with a pin stabbing my waist. "Ow!"

"Sorry! I shouldn't joke when there are needles around. ~ Kiera Cass

Harry's smile twitches at the corner. "I like that one," he drawls in protest. "I chose him specifically."

Louis looks up. "Him?"

"Aloysius."

"Aloysius," Louis repeats in a deadpan. "You named a shriveled strawberry Aloysius."

Harry shines proudly, looking up to meet Louis' gaze. "Yeah," he nods with bright eyes and a half-smile.

"Right then. Just checking," Louis says, and offers his palm. ~ Velvetoscar

I'd found people got uncomfortable quicker by my staying quiet while holding a deadpan stare. ~ Keri Lake

People, particularly over-moralistic Americans, have often seen me as a pessimist and humourless to boot, yet I think I have an almost maniacal sense of humour. The problem is that it's rather deadpan. ~ J.G. Ballard