Condom Funny Quotes

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Quotes About Condom Funny

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His head went back, on the stroke up, again. When he finally looked back at her hands still on him, and his cock all neatly wrapped, his words came out gravelly, and wondering.
"What a strange notion."
"You won't miss too much of the sensation. It's really not that bad."
His mouth quirked up at the corner.
"Why would I miss any sensation? The whole of our bodies are going to be touching. Are you going to encase the rest of me in a stocking?"
Laughter, again. It felt good, so good.
"I guess not - now get down here and fuck me. ~ Charlotte Stein
Condom Funny quotes by Charlotte Stein
Some words have multiple meanings. Scholastic, aware that I'm allergic to preservatives, kindly got someone to translate the phrase "I can only eat food without preservatives" into Italian. They warned me, however, as they taught me how to say it, that the Italian word for "preservatives" is the same as the word for "condom." So that I should be careful how I look when I say it. ~ Maggie Stiefvater
Condom Funny quotes by Maggie Stiefvater
Trojan, Durex, Lifestyles, Trojan Magnum (oh yeah, my three foot cock definitely needed those), Contempo, Vivid and Rough Rider. Seriously? There was a condom brand called Rough Rider? Why not just go with Fuck Her Hard and be done with it? I stood in the "Family Planning" aisle of the grocery store, trying to decide which condom brand was more effective. Family Planning ... give me a break. How many people came to this aisle because they were planning a family? They came to this aisle to AVOID planning a family.
Carter ~ Tara Sivec
Condom Funny quotes by Tara Sivec
It doesn't seem fair," he murmured, once again smoothing out her messy bed head. "You get all the morning sickness, the kicks in the ribs and the bloated stomach and swollen ankles, and I get nine months of sex without condoms. ~ Linda Kage
Condom Funny quotes by Linda Kage
A few days later she sent him a two page, single-spaced, typewritten letter preaching to him about the Catholic stand on premarital sex, and especially condemning the use of that horrendous tool of the devil, the seed-killing prophylactic. Don't worry. Those facetious words weren't hers. I paraphrased. This boy was more browbeaten by mommy than Norman Bates. ~ Dan Skinner
Condom Funny quotes by Dan Skinner
We are NOT calling it magical death spit!! ~ Glory, Wings Of Fire
Condom Funny quotes by Glory, Wings Of Fire
You're not doing well and finally I don't have to
pretend to be so interested in your on going tragedy,

but

I'll rob the bank that gave you the impression that
money is more fruitful than words, and
I'll cut holes in the ozone if it means you have one less day of rain.
I'll walk you to the hospital,
I'll wait in a white room that reeks of hand sanitizer and latex for the results from the MRI scan that tries to
locate the malady that keeps your mind guessing, and
I want to write you a poem every day until my hand breaks
and assure you that you'll find your place,
it's just
the world has a funny way of
hiding spots fertile enough for
bodies like yours to grow roots.

and

I miss you like a dart hits the iris of a bullseye,
or a train ticket screams 4:30 at 4:47, I
wanted to tell you that it's my birthday on Thursday
and I would have wanted you to
give me the gift of your guts on the floor, one last time,
to see if you still had it in you.

I hope our ghosts aren't eating you alive.
If I'm to speak for myself, I'll tell you that
the universe is twice as big as we think it is
and you're the only one that made that idea
less devastating. ~ Lucas Regazzi
Condom Funny quotes by Lucas Regazzi
Funny how a wink from a city guy can come across as cheesy or condescending, but a wink from a southern boy will send shivers up a girl's spine. ~ Jonna Ivin
Condom Funny quotes by Jonna Ivin
Context is funny. How things hit you. Like on one planet there is gravity and you are walking along, then there is no gravity and you are airborne, sort of flying in slow parabolic leaps ~ Peter Heller
Condom Funny quotes by Peter Heller
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs. ~ Henny Youngman
Condom Funny quotes by Henny Youngman
Who would want him? he asks himself. Certainly not Ahana, who's funny, bright and so beautiful that it hurts. ~ Durjoy Datta
Condom Funny quotes by Durjoy Datta
The following ten throws went a variety of places. I never hit the target, but I was getting closer. Isabella was laughing so hard she wrote "Please stop can't breathe" in the dirt with her finger. ~ Jim Benton
Condom Funny quotes by Jim Benton
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? ~ Steven Wright
Condom Funny quotes by Steven Wright
Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want to make your move before the opponent does, because the first person to stomp from the room receives valuable Argument Points that can be redeemed for exciting merchandise at the Marital Prize Redemption Center. ~ Dave Barry
Condom Funny quotes by Dave Barry
I've noticed your hostility towards him ... I ought to have guessed you were friends. ~ Malcolm Bradbury
Condom Funny quotes by Malcolm Bradbury
No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are. ~ Ellen DeGeneres
Condom Funny quotes by Ellen DeGeneres
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?' ~ Mitch Hedberg
Condom Funny quotes by Mitch Hedberg
Although I have guitars all around and I pick themm up occasionally and write a tune and make a record, I don't really see myself as a musician. It may seem a funny thing to say. It's just like, I write lyrics amd I make up songs, but I'm not a great lyricist or songwriter or producer. It's when you put all these things together - that makes me. ~ George Harrison
Condom Funny quotes by George Harrison
Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"? ~ Frankie Boyle
Condom Funny quotes by Frankie Boyle
Nobody ever lost a dollar by underestimating the taste of the American public. ~ P.T. Barnum
Condom Funny quotes by P.T. Barnum
I had a dream about you last night.
We moved into a cabin in the countryside.
I couldn't handle the spiders.
You couldn't handle my drama.
I moved back to the city. ~ Michael Summers
Condom Funny quotes by Michael Summers
Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.. ~ Ray Romano
Condom Funny quotes by Ray Romano
A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg." ~ Frank Carson
Condom Funny quotes by Frank Carson
The truth is simple, you do not die from love. You only wish you did. ~ Erica Jong
Condom Funny quotes by Erica Jong
I get scripts all the time, but I read this [Baggage Claim] thoroughly, and I loved it. It was light hearted, cute, sweet, and funny. I told my agent that I liked the script, but I did let my acceptance of the role slide a little, until I was watching television one day; scrolling through the stations, and there was this play. And I don't like plays made for the screen. But, this one, "Suddenly Single", caught my attention. ~ Jill Scott
Condom Funny quotes by Jill Scott
Sometimes WRONG is worth the FUNNY! ~ Billy Gardell
Condom Funny quotes by Billy Gardell
Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.
The Doctor: Believe me ... It was an accident. ~ Steven Moffat
Condom Funny quotes by Steven Moffat
It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator. ~ Dylan Moran
Condom Funny quotes by Dylan Moran
My personal success would be that people understand what I was trying to do. It was the most palatable when I watchmen_7_mdid Dawn. With Watchmen, too, I feel the same way. The movie's ironic and satirical and it's funny and serious and that's kind of the same way I felt about Dawn. Like I really was making a movie that knows it's a zombie movie and enjoys that and wants the audience to say, yeah, that's okay. ~ Zack Snyder
Condom Funny quotes by Zack Snyder
Sometimes, things are sad and unfortunate. But finding the funny in a situation can make the sad and unfortunate more bearable. ~ Penny Reid
Condom Funny quotes by Penny Reid
Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there's lots of Eastern Grays around this area. What do you say? Are you in?'
Bergman looked at him like he'd just made the worst financial investment of his life. 'Kangaroos are wild animals. I've heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You're going to get your skull crushed.'
Cole held up a finger. 'Or I'm going to pet a kangaroo. How cool would that be? ~ Jennifer Rardin
Condom Funny quotes by Jennifer Rardin
Steffie took my hand and we walked past the fruit bins, an area that extended about forty-five yards along one wall. The bins were arranged diagonally and backed my mirrors that people accidentally punched when reaching for fruit in upper rows. ~ Don DeLillo
Condom Funny quotes by Don DeLillo
The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?" ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Condom Funny quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
Bronagh," I said. "Chill on the sofa."
"I can't, me body is currently experiencin
some technical difficulties."
With a raised brow I asked, "What does that mean?"
"It means her ass is sore and she can't sit down."
"Dominic!" my sister screeched,
horrified.
Alec high-fived his younger brother and said, "My man."
Brothers. ~ L.A. Casey
Condom Funny quotes by L.A. Casey
I've always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler. ~ Amy Poehler
Condom Funny quotes by Amy Poehler
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