Christian Humor Quotes

I'll try to turn the other cheek....But I've only got two and they're both stinging. ~ Heather Blanton

She just asked me to pick her up some tampons and a Yoo-Hoo." ~Alex Sinclair ~ Jenny B. Jones

Take a guy who can walk on water, who can raise people from the dead, who can look at you and tell you what you had for breakfast ... if a guy like that can't find twelve trustworthy mates, who can? Stop at eleven and call it done, that's the moral of that story. ~ Liam Perrin

I cannot believe that you're still a girl. Your kisses don't seem that innocent. They are driving me crazy. ~ Olga Goa

Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith. ~ Leslie Nielsen

Can all you worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not! ~ Matthew 6 27 NLT

This is why we apply the LCD Principle or Lowest Common Democracy. In short, this is social interaction based not on the best possible good, but on the least possible offense. Without saying so, the parties involved have entered into the following arrangement: What is the least we can all agree on and still get along? Of course, you can see this means no one is pleased. ~ Geoffrey Wood

You'd never have gotten it right. You have to hit the door just so. It took me weeks to learn."
"And what were you doing sneaking out at night?" he demanded.
"I fail to see how that is your business."
"You became my business when you took up residence
in my house."
"Well, I wouldn't have moved in if you hadn'tkidnapped me!"
"I wouldn't have kidnapped you if you hadn't been wandering about the countryside with no thought to
your own safety."
"I was certainly safer in the countryside than I was at Prewitt Hall, and you well know it."
"You wouldn't be safe in a convent," he muttered.
"If you two lovebirds can stop snapping at each other," James cut in, "I'd like to search the study before
Prewitt returns home."
Blake glared at Caroline as if this entire delay were her fault, causing her to hiss, "Don't forget that if it
weren't for me-"
"If it weren't for you," he shot back, "I would be a very happy man indeed."
"We are wasting time," James reminded them. "The both of you may remain here, if you cannot cease
your squabbling, but I am going in to search the south drawing room."
"I'll go first," Caroline announced, "since I know the way."
"You'll go behind me," Blake contradicted, "and give me directions as we go along."
"Oh, for the love of Saint Peter," James finally burst out, exasperation showing in every line of his body.
"I'll go first, if only to shut the ~ Julia Quinn

People are often unhappy in the Christian life because they have thought of Christianity, and the whole message of the gospel, in inadequate terms. ~ David Lloyd-Jones

He bowed jokingly, and everyone laughed as Mrs.Anderson shook her head. "Did you even read the material?"
"of course I did."
"Who was the leader of the North?"
"Lincoln."
"No, he was the president."
"Yes, which means he was the fucking leader of everyone."
Carmine ~ J.M. Darhower

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! ~ Henny Youngman

Through it all, you are loved by the One True God. He is always with us, guiding, shaping, loving us. This helps us get through trials. ~ J.F. Rogers

The Romans may be known for many things, but humor isn't one of them. As usual, this interpretation relies on a prima facie reading of Jesus as a man with no political ambitions whatsoever. That is nonsense. All criminals sentenced to execution received a titulus so that everyone know the crime for which they were being punished and thus be deterred from taking part in similar activity. That the wording on Jesus's titulus was likely genuine is demonstrated by Joseph A. Fitzmeyer, who notes that "if [the titulus] were invented by Christians, they would have used Christos, for early Christians would scarcely have called their Lord 'King of the Jews'."[..] the notion that a no-name Jewish peasant would have received a personal audience with the Roman governor, Pontius Pilate, who had probably signed a dozen execution orders that day alone, is so outlandish that it cannot be taken seriously. ~ Reza Aslan

The wish to pray is a prayer in itself. ~ Georges Bernanos

No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why. Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power? I don't understand my irrational reaction. ~ E.L. James

There is the sheer emotional, intellectual, physical, chemical pleasure of your children. The honest truth is that the world holds no greater gratification than lying in bed with your children, putting your leg on top of them in a semi-crushing manner, while saying sternly, You are a poo. ~ Caitlin Moran

Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss? ~ Eoin Colfer

You have to humor them you know." Lucile sighed lightly as the door closed. "Men can be boring, but they are necessary. One needs to learn to work around them. Don't you think so? ~ Kate Alcott

The path of my life is strewn with cow pats from the devil's own satanic herd! ~ Rowan Atkinson

My queendom for a coffee! ~ Chris Lange

My trauma is no longer what I define myself by, and it has taken a lot of therapy, self-love, and depression naps for me to get to that point. I define myself by a set of different virtues: the fact that I am a decent writer, the fact that I am a resilient person who has found healing, the fact that I am goofy as hell, the fact that after decades of being understood by everyone as white, I'm finally beginning to explore what it means to be an Arab American, the fact that I was eating my grandmother's hummus way before white people decided hummus was cool. ~ Jacob Tobia

We could have made it to the Arizona border in a few more hours if we hadn't been distracting each other with stupid little arguments. Don't get me wrong; I liked J.Lo fine. I've made that bed. But I'm not sure there's a person in the world I could be with twenty-four hours a day for three weeks without getting a little snippy. If I ever meet such a person, I'm marrying them. ~ Adam Rex

God is interested in developing your character. At times He lets you proceed, but He will never let you go too far without discipline to bring you back. In your relationship with God, He may let you make a wrong decision. Then the Spirit of God causes you to recognize that it is not God's will. He guides you back to the right path. ~ Henry Blackaby

When you strip all of this down it's just about a God in Heaven who loves you very much. And created in you a heart for Him ... Your heart was fashioned by Jesus and for Jesus. ~ Louie Giglio

Jimmy Murray, you are an ass,' said Aunt Ruth, angrily.
'Well, we're cousins,' agreed Cousin Jimmy pleasantly. ~ L.M. Montgomery

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? ~ Steven Wright

Change back to your ugly self before I change your face for you, Logan said, Silver Frost. ~ Kailin Gow

Enjoy the sacred moment while it lingers. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Worthless is the charity of the man who bestows it unwillingly, because material charity is not his, but God's gift, while only the disposition of the heart belongs to the man. This is why many charities prove almost worthless, for they were bestowed unwillingly, grudgingly, without respect for the person of our neighbor. So also the hospitality of many persons proves worthless because of their hypocritical vain-glorious behavior to their guests. Let us offer our sacrifices upon the altar of love to our neighbor, with heart-felt affection: 'for God loves a cheerful giver' ~ John Of Kronstadt

There is no cure for a bleeding heart. ~ Paula Wall

If you like this story, share it with your friends.
If you hate it, share it with your enemies. ~ Noob Loop

You cannot really stop aging. You can only delay or hide some of its effects. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Then everything is clear," Reynold said, looking around triumphantly at the crowd. "Jacques Cherbourg did not drown, he survived. He went to England, lived there a while, made a girl pregnant, and died. The girl gave birth to a boy and named him after the father. Jack here is now twenty, and looks exactly like his father did twenty-four years ago." Reynold looked at the priest. "No need for exorcism here, father. It's just a family reunion. ~ Ken Follett

Make sure the thing you're living for is worth dying for. ~ Charles Mayes Wigg

A dream doesn't mean anything. I dreamed the other night that I went riding on a dinosaur. ~ Richelle Mead

When you are from a well-respected family, often times you will have pressure to "live up to your family name." That is to say, depending on your family's reputation, you will have to live in accordance with that reputation so that other people keep thinking of your family in the way it is used to being thought of. If you come from a family of do-gooders, then it is important to do good. If you come from a family of investors, it is important to make lots of money. If you come from a family of plastic surgeons, you should know how to pick a nose. And if you do not live up to your family name, then possibly your family will disown you. Which isn't really nice, but can happen. ~ Adrienne Kress

Your generation is so cynical. You should try to help every individual person you meet, Ari, as a reflex, without thinking." Ari put his head on the steering wheel. "Here we find a fundamental weakness of the Christ doctrine," the Minister declared, making that wise and relatable face that had always been such a success in his television lectures. "It troubles itself too much with conscience, rationale, and so on. Now, I myself am a student of human nature. I observe all faiths, and draw my own conclusions. For example, a Christian sees a tramp in the street, he begins agonizing. Should I give him the money in my pocket? What if he uses it for drink? What if he wastes it? What if there's someone else who needs it more? What if I need it more? And so on. The Jews, the Muslims - they see a tramp, they give him money, they walk on. The action is its own justification. ~ Zadie Smith

You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it. ~ Jerry Coleman

Our historical bequest is sublime. I have inherited a fragmented but highly creative
exile and, since 1948, a home. I don't know that I want to settle there. I prefer the
creative spur of exile. () But wherever I am I shall be Jewish, and that sound will
inform every syllable I write. I am blessed with a long ancestry of wisdom, prophecy,
and promise, a line of overwhelming creative achievements, courage, humor, and,
above all, a dogged and chronic permanence, the greatest legacy of all. ~ Bernice Rubens

If I can, by a lucky chance, in these uneasy days, rub out one wrinkle from the brow of care, or beguile the heavy heart of one moment of sadness; if I can, how and then, prompt a happier view of human nature, and make my reader more in good humor with his fellow-beings and himself, surely, I shall not have written in vain. ~ Washington Irving

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything." ~ Henny Youngman

Boredom is a concept that I don't understand. ~ Christian Louboutin

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity. ~ Anne Frank