Cat Humor Quotes

Cats, like butterflies, need no excuse. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

You're not a woman," he said finally. "You're the Grim Reaper with red hair! ~ Jeaniene Frost

No one believes you're serious until bodies start to fall. -Vlad ~ Jeaniene Frost

The word of a cat is not to be relied upon. ~ Robin Hobb

Never wear anything that panics the cat. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

Only Hungry Joe had something better to do each time he finished his missions. He had screaming nightmares and won fist fights with Huple's cat. ~ Joseph Heller

Out last chance is a cat's magic sight. We are doomed. ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

How could you leave me behind to explode?"
"Er," Alice said, "I'm not sure how to--"
"Oh--you have a clockwork cat. This is very nice. I will forgive you if I may pet the cat. ~ Steven Harper Piziks

Has it ever occured to you that crazy cat people may be sane and you be the the crazy one? ~ Quitillian Blue

If you were crossing the road and saw a black cat passing, you may possibly get hit by a car, or a mail boy or the sky could rain in summer, possibly snow. Those were theories, none of them were true. It was like karma; it only happens to you if you believed in them. Myths, Cecilia called them. The guy looked frozen. This is silly, she thought. He could not be that affected by the cat. Cecilia had been working here for a year and she wasn't struck by lightning, she was alive, of course, nobody chose the cat so this is why she was the oldest pet in the store. ~ Basma Salem

Sir, this is a unique dog. He does not live by tooth or fang. He respects the right of cats to be cats although he doesn't admire them. He turns his steps rather than disturb an earnest caterpillar. His greatest fear is that someone will point out a rabbit and suggest that he chase it. This is a dog of peace and tranquility. ~ John Steinbeck

For all the accomplishments of molecular biology, we still can't tell a live cat from a dead cat. ~ Lynn Margulis

Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he'd eaten a necklace. ~ Jenny Lawson

Winston Gallagher!" I said, recognizing the first ghost I'de met. Then my eyes narrowed & I covered my hand in front of my crotch as I saw Winstons gaze fasten there next. "Don't even think about poltergeisting my panties again". "This is the sod? Come here you scurvy little
" "Bones don't!" I interrupted. He stopped, giving a last glare to him while mouthing YOU. ME. EXORCIST. before returning to my side. ~ Jeaniene Frost

Wait a minute. Wait just a hairball kakking minute. ~ Jody Wallace

Meg's face clouded, and I wondered if she was going to rain the way people do sometimes. ~ Ray Rhamey

Well. I am not afraid. But to protect you, Katerina, I will be discreet. Plain Kate considered a cat's idea of discretion, and was frightened. ~ Erin Bow

Charlie whistled "Amazing Grace" as he drove. It was all I could do not to whip my head around and snap, Are you kidding me? Couldn't he pick something more appropriate, like "Shout at the Devil" or "Don't fear the Reaper"? Some people had no sense of the proper music for a kidnapping. ~ Jeaniene Frost

Really, The smart thing to do was to stop dating and get a cat. ~ Jennifer Crusie

The world would probably be better if people were put in carriers and cats roamed free. ~ Mary Matthews

Less bitching...more learning. ~ Jeaniene Frost

Since you and Crispin are now finished and I have a few hours to kill, how about that shag?" he asked with heavy irony.
"Bite me," I sighed, gathering up the pages.
He winked. "Of course. My second-favorite thing to do in bed. ~ Jeaniene Frost

Well, they came the day after you did, but they made me angry, so I sent them away." Noah did not understand. "Sent them away?" Cord rejoined the conversation. "Ran them out of the house with a rifle." Noah couldn't have shown more astonishment if they'd said a mouse had killed a cat. ~ Ellen O'Connell

By-the-bye, what became of the baby?" said the Cat. "I'd nearly forgotten to ask."
"It turned into a pig," Alice answered very quietly, just as if the Cat had come back in a natural way.
"I thought it would," said the Cat, and vanished again. ~ Lewis Carroll

Cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off
damn ankle straps!
or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn't that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos. ~ Jeaniene Frost

I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. Of course not, Ian. It's just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard. ~ Jeaniene Frost

Bring me liquor, Bones, fast, to take my foot out of my mouth.
Cat to Bones ~ Jeaniene Frost

A cat is there if you call her- if she doesn't have anything better to do. ~ Bill Adler

Next to her, I felt like Carrot Top in drag.
Cat re: Annette ~ Jeaniene Frost

The sh*t's gonna splatter, start buggin, yo ...
Mencheres to Cat ~ Jeaniene Frost

Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.
Bones to Gregor ~ Jeaniene Frost

He f**ks even better than he looks", I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn't care; I was pissed. "And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don't you worry. ~ Jeaniene Frost

How else would you be able to talk, kitten-cat, if you were not thinking, hmmm?' said George to his charge.
But it was Francois ... who answered:
... 'Ah oui ... but there are a lot of two-legs [people] who do not think very much at all but who always seem to do most of the talking.' (p124) ~ Jem Vanston

Besides, i'm a cat. i respect the sanctity of sleep. ~ Serpent's Shadow Rick Riordan

Knowing without any doubt that the newly elected cannot help but be his zombies, Obama is the cat who swallowed the canary. ~ Judi McLeod

You spooks got a twisted sense of humor, you know that?" "Maybe," said Jones, getting to his feet. "But you know what we don't have?" "What's that?" Rex said, humoring him. "Women disrobing publicly without a shred of embarrassment," he said, nodding toward the front door. ~ David Welch

You had no right." Oh, yes, he did. He suggested,
"Why don't you write that down. Put it in my handwriting. Perhaps I'll chance to read it, think I wrote it: Maybe then I'll believe you. ~ Judith Ivory

Feminist humor raises consciousness. And the reason it's funny is because it stands something on its head. Goodness knows you've got to have a sense of humor if you do feminism full-time, I tell you. ~ Eleanor Smeal

Far be it from me to keep a woman from her book. That could become dangerous ~ Elizabeth Hunter

Most people who die in fires don't burn to death; they die from smoke inhalation that kills the respiratory system. that's why the fire service is going on and on about smoke detectors. These little ten-dollar gadgets are one of the truly wonderful inventions of man. The wake you up from a deep slumber so that you and your family and your dog or cat or whatever can get out of the house in time to live and call the fire department. If this sounds like a public service announcement, it is. If you don't have one, buy one today. They make great Christmas gifts. Plus they're cheap. Give a gift of love to a loved one you love. End of announcement. ~ Larry Brown

I think shows that are completely dramatic are a lie. People use humor to cope. That is how we deal with things. In the darkest situations, there's humor. And if you don't show that, you're not being true to real life. ~ Jenji Kohan

But sometimes it takes only a photograph and a sentence to make an author cry himself to sleep even years after the photograph was taken. ~ Lemony Snicket

Humor is to the soul, what rain is to the earth ~ Gerry Hopman

We met at Nirang Kaka's son's wedding,' Leshu prattled on. 'It was such a set-up Amu, what to tell you! Asha Kaki introduced us at the salad counter and by the time we reached the sweet dish, I knew...I just knew it inside my heart ki he was the one. ~ Nikita Deshpande

She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts. ~ Rick Riordan

Hey, aren't you that girl from the web?" the new one asked, bending to suck my earing between his teeth.
I pulled my head away. "You got the wrong girl."
Mr. Hawaii pulled back to take a better look at me. "No, I think you might be." To my total bewilderment, he spun me around.
"Hey! What are you - ?"
"Hey, it is you!" he yelled excitedly, drawing the attention of the crowd. "Hey, everyone, it's Cheeky Galore! ~ Brandi Salazar

Here you complain about your boring life, yet when a talking cat drops into your lap, you seek to silence it! ~ K.M. Shea

If I had a sense of humor, I'd be laughing right now. ~ Christine Feehan

It simply isn't a woman's nature to be silent for prolonged periods of time. ~ Maya Banks

At that point Ms Fox came in and said, "Hello, carry on as if I am not here."
Then she lay down on the floor. ~ Louise Rennison

A sense of humor is all you really need to get through life. All ~ Dan Marshall

That was some powerful shit. Like mind and pussy-numbing, fuckilepsy inducing, reproductive organ-exploding powerful. You really are some kind of flogger wielding sex God. ~ Ella Dominguez

A couple of years ago my sister Judy and I were each given a box of truffles. The tiny print said two pieces contained 310 calories and there were six pieces in each box. We were sitting on the bus headed downtown, quietly doing our calculations: Judy was dividing by two and I was multiplying by three. When she realized what I was doing, a look came over her face that is hard to describe. 'I lost all hope for you' she says now. ~ Abigail Thomas

On my way to the parking lot, in quick succession, I saw students wearing t-shirts which read, "Save the whales. Collect the whole set," "Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now," and "Half the people you know are below average." Typical for the Eastern student body. ~ Neil S. Plakcy

I did the 'Bionic Woman,' which of course had a lot of humor in it, and that was really a function of a lot of the ad-libbing and the things that I did in it. ~ Lindsay Wagner

Never mind, never mind, let's get to the part where we smite the unrighteous. I've brought my most alarming teeth! ~ Nick Harkaway

Perhaps you're not crazy, but you're very creative. ~ Ellen Sussman

I felt like a lonely cat, an aging tom ridden by obscure rage, looking for torn-ear trouble. I clipped that pitch off short and threw it away. Night streets were my territory, and would be till I rolled in the last gutter. ~ Ross Macdonald

Yeah, well. If you're staying here in hopes of making out with Alaska, I sure wish you wouldn't. If you unmoor her from the rock that is Jake, God have mercy on us all. That would be some drama, indeed. And as a rule, I like to avoid drama."
"It's not because I want to make out with her."
"Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit." And he was right. ~ John Green

On their sofas of spice and feathers, the concubines also slept fretfully. In those days the Earth was still flat, and people dreamed often of falling over edges. ~ Tom Robbins

The prettier the wine bottle, the higher the likelihood sorority girls will buy it. ~ Lauren Leto

No, he keeps the schedule of a cat. Long hours of slumber interrupted by brief periods of self-grooming. ~ Lisa Kleypas

The horse and the cow, the rabbit and the cat, the deer and the hare, the pheasant and the lark, please us better as friends than as meat. ~ Elisee Reclus

See, far above arrogance and selfishness on the rankings of undesirable Lifestyle traits, topping the lengthy list of carnal sins, occupying its very own stratosphere of unforgivable
reprehensibility, is lying. Without question, fibbing is the fastest way to secure a one-way trip to blackball status in the swing community. So assured is a liar's exile from the Lifestyle that should a perjurer come clean about a material untruth and still secure playtime, that individual will have rewritten the entire swing rulebook. And no matter how enticing it may be to rewrite history, I do not recommend attempting it. Not unless you're lusting after a celibate existence. ~ Daniel Stern

I can write about all of these bizarre and funny characters in my book, "Diggin' Elroy," because I know them better than anyone else. I have a little bit of all of them in me. ~ Walt Griffin

Dovewing felt bone-weary from her ears to the tip of her tail. Just because she had better hearing, sharper senses than any cat didn't seem to give her more strength. She needed to rest, eat, talk with Jayfeather and Lionblaze about the challenge that sol had left them with, of hostile Clans that would be crushed by the dark forest if they tried to fight alone. Starclan, light my path, please.
"Come on," she meowed to Hollyleaf. "It's time we went home. Our Clnmates are waitning for us"
P. 315 ~ Erin Hunter

How old is he, Uncle?"
"Young whipper-snapper, just twenty-three."
Twenty-three! He'd never die off. The town would vote for him and then he'd be sheriff for ages and ages and she'd never get her chance. ~ Anne Garboczi Evans

A knavish speech sleeps in a fool's ear. ~ William Shakespeare

Once in a thousand years, you know, one cat is allowed to speak. My cats are philosophers-neither of them ever cries over spilt milk. ~ L.M. Montgomery

Satan was seen buying a cafe au lait of Friday the thirteenth in the year of the dog. He was wearing a Mexican wrestling mask and a monocle on a gold chain the color of the sun. The lights of the casino filled his good eye. Our days are numbered, our weeks are fading away. ~ Michael Bible

George Harrison: Paul transformed me in my bedroom, and it was awkward, to say the least. It was like being on a blind date, complete with stilted conversation and elliptical innuendo. He said, "So." Then I said, "So." Then he said, "So." Then I said, "So." That went on for, I dunno, five minutes or something. ~ Alan Goldsher

There's an -or- in -whore- because you always have a choice to respect your body and say no. ~ Libba Bray

In light matters
matters of small consequence, like religion and politics and such things
he never acquired a conviction that could survive a disapproving remark from a cat. ~ Mark Twain

Writers understand the world better, but they lack the strength to change it. Perhaps that is so because they understand their limitations more than others. ~ Janvier Chouteu-Chando

Our historical bequest is sublime. I have inherited a fragmented but highly creative
exile and, since 1948, a home. I don't know that I want to settle there. I prefer the
creative spur of exile. () But wherever I am I shall be Jewish, and that sound will
inform every syllable I write. I am blessed with a long ancestry of wisdom, prophecy,
and promise, a line of overwhelming creative achievements, courage, humor, and,
above all, a dogged and chronic permanence, the greatest legacy of all. ~ Bernice Rubens

If you asked why the post had not come, or why the boat did not sail for England, or why your coffee was cold, or why your boots were not cleaned, or why your window was shut, or why the canary didn't sing,-you would always be sure to be told, c'est la guerre! ~ Louise Mack

As the middle child of the Laurel Canyon Adams Family, Whit was surprisingly chill on the subject of ampire-vays. ~ M. Beth Bloom

Cars like that shouldn't be left in storage. It causes mechanical issues. With brakes and tires and engines and such."
My smile returned. "You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?"
"Not a word. ~ Kelley Armstrong

When we were still living at home, all he ever drank was cola, huge amounts of it; he had no problem knocking back an entire king-size bottle at dinnertime. Then he would produce these gigantic belches, for which he was sometimes sent to his room, belches that lasted ten years or longer
like subterranean thunder rolling up and exploding from somewhere deep down in his stomach
and for which he enjoyed a certain schoolyard fame: among the boys, that is, for he knew even then that girls were only repulsed by burps and farts. ~ Herman Koch

Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious.
Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her.
"Why's this fish so bloody good?" he demanded, angrily. ~ Douglas Adams

Spontaneity is one of the joys of existence, especially if you prepare for it in advance. ~ Alan Dean Foster

He scrambled to grab a hose and pointed it at us. A pathetic stream of water trickled out.
What are you going to do? Giguhl said. Moisten us? ~ Jaye Wells