Btr Funny Quotes

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The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. ~ Helen Rowland
Btr Funny quotes by Helen Rowland
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!" ~ Henny Youngman
Btr Funny quotes by Henny Youngman
So I see you got to know Trish on a pretty intimate level tonight," Max said, focusing her attention back on the present as they made their way down the deserted roads back to her house.
"She was definitely…friendly."
What Landon casually defined as friendly was what Max more accurately described as molestation. Her hands had disappeared under the table, rubbing his leg or whatever she was doing, more times than she spent holding her damn cards. Landon's indifference to the whole thing was entirely impossible to read. Was he enjoying the attention? Wouldn't any man? Not that it was any of her business. Landon was just some guy that she'd let stay with her for a few days. The fact that he was good-looking was irrelevant. Trish could have him for all she cared as long as they kept the indecencies out of her house.
"Well, don't you worry about her. She's a bit of a flirt when she's drunk. I'm pretty sure she'd hit on a monkey."
"You just compared me to a monkey and you don't want me to worry?"
"You know what I mean."
"I'm sorry, I don't."
"Don't tell me that girls like that actually appeal to you."
"Jealous?"
"Hardly," Max shot back defensively. "I just pegged you for a man with higher standards that's all." She couldn't really say why she'd chosen to share her opinion. No harm in giving the guy a little warning, right?
"You've pegged me for a lot of things. ~ Shawn Kirsten Maravel
Btr Funny quotes by Shawn Kirsten Maravel
Act your age, not your shoe size. ~ Prince
Btr Funny quotes by Prince
OH NO YOU DON'T, LADDIE!
Harry spun around. Professor Moody was limping down the marble staircase. His wand was out and it was pointing right at a pure white ferret, which was shivering on the stone-flagged floor, exactly where Malfoy had been standing. ~ J.K. Rowling
Btr Funny quotes by J.K. Rowling
Sorry I'm late, Ms. Egami said to the class. She dropped her papers, which scattered in that special way papers do when one is running late. ~ Adam Rex
Btr Funny quotes by Adam Rex
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? ~ Steven Wright
Btr Funny quotes by Steven Wright
Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything ... .but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco ~ Josh Stern
Btr Funny quotes by Josh Stern
My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all. ~ Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf
Btr Funny quotes by Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf
He took a meditative puff on his stogy, and informed himself that time was a funny thing. Old Man Time just walked along, and he didn't even blow a How-do-you-do through his whiskers. He just walked on past you. Things just change. ~ James T. Farrell
Btr Funny quotes by James T. Farrell
Could I pick some flowers for Miranda?' I asked.
'You cannot take these flowers,' said Zoran. 'They belong to the government. ~ Doug MacLeod
Btr Funny quotes by Doug MacLeod
Chess is a thinking person's game. But you don't have to be smart to know what's funny! Lots of check, mate! ~ Steve Breen
Btr Funny quotes by Steve Breen
So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life?
Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please. ~ Daniel Silva
Btr Funny quotes by Daniel Silva
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug. ~ John Lithgow
Btr Funny quotes by John Lithgow
She's smart and she's funny and she's beautiful and very sexy
"
"She sees me for who I am," Decker interrupted. "And she treats me like a man. Like an equal. Not some hero or ... I don't know what. She's not afraid of me. She says what she thinks, she never pulls her punches and ... I like the way she needs me. I really do. It's clean and ... honest."
"And guilt-free," Sophia added.
He nodded. "Yeah, that's part of it. It's complicated
like every relationship is. but I can relax around her." He searched for the right words. "I feel ... safe when I'm with her. ~ Suzanne Brockmann
Btr Funny quotes by Suzanne Brockmann
Funny thing is, there's only so much you can fill up with earthly things. There's an empty place and a void inside that only God can fill and some folks never figure that out. ~ Tracie Peterson
Btr Funny quotes by Tracie Peterson
What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes. ~ Samuel Beckett
Btr Funny quotes by Samuel Beckett
It's funny how he won't give up the idea of the attack on his daughter. I suppose there was more at risk. The car is property and insurable. The sex rights in his daughter are property too, but not insurable, or at any rate not insured. So it is more interesting that his daughter should have been at risk than his car. ~ Stephen Gilbert
Btr Funny quotes by Stephen Gilbert
We're not arguing about it, Shawn. We're staying."
Shawn stared at her with narrowed eyes. Jasper burst out laughing. I elbowed him.
"What's so funny?"
"You. Both of you. Do they raise you to be like that? By the moons, I feel sorry for every man that lives over there! ~ Mireille Chester
Btr Funny quotes by Mireille Chester
I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us. ~ Kinky Friedman
Btr Funny quotes by Kinky Friedman
Have you ever played Killer Bunnies?" she asked.
"Killer Bunnies?" he repeated, blinking the way people always did when they didn't follow her brain's train.
"It's a card game. Not spades and clubs, kings and jacks cards. It's like a board game, with cards instead of a board. Here. I'll show you." She stretched up to the top shelf beside her TV and pulled down a bright blue box. "But I have to warn you, I never hesitate to use the nuclear warheads or the anti-matter raisins. Your bunnies are going down. ~ Jamie Farrell
Btr Funny quotes by Jamie Farrell
FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you want a horoscope, there's a gypsy tearoom over on Lexington Avenue. ~ S.J Perelman
Btr Funny quotes by S.J Perelman
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. ~ Publilius Syrus
Btr Funny quotes by Publilius Syrus
But what I don't like - and what I don't think either Seymour or Buddy would like, either, as a matter of fact - is the way you talk about all these people. I mean you don't just despise what they represent - you despise them. It's too damn personal, Franny. I mean it. You get a real little homicidal glint in your eye when you talk about this Tupper, for instance. All this business about his going into the men's room to muss his hair before he comes in to class. All that. He probably does - it goes with everything else you've told me about him. I'm not saying it doesn't. But it's none of your business, buddy, what he does with his hair. It would be all right, in a way, if you thought his personal affectations were sort of funny. Or if you felt a tiny bit sorry for him for being insecure enough to give himself a little pathetic goddam glamour. But when you tell me about it - and I'm not fooling, now - you tell me about it as though his hair was a goddamn personal enemy of yours. That is not right - and you know it. If you're going to to war against the System, just do your shooting like a nice, intelligent girl - because the enemy's there, and not because you don't like his hairdo or his goddam necktie. ~ J.D. Salinger
Btr Funny quotes by J.D. Salinger
The policemen agreed they were living with a most peculiar fellow. One moment he was reading classical literature in the original French and quoting Tennyson, and the next he would be discussing the best way to blow up a train. ~ Ben Macintyre
Btr Funny quotes by Ben Macintyre
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me. ~ Steven Wright
Btr Funny quotes by Steven Wright
Two faces are alike; neither is funny by itself, but side by side their likeness makes us laugh. ~ Blaise Pascal
Btr Funny quotes by Blaise Pascal
Have you ever been to a picnic? And someone blows up a balloon, and everyone starts tossing it around, and it's always just about to touch the ground, but someone always gets there just in time to tap it back up? That balloon, that's God, the very best in all of us, the kindness, the heavy petting, Funny Girl! ... Evil bores me. It's just one note. It doesn't sing! Oh, of course life sucks! It always will. So why not make the most of it? ~ Paul Rudnick
Btr Funny quotes by Paul Rudnick
Drunken men give some of the best pep talks. ~ Criss Jami
Btr Funny quotes by Criss Jami
Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours. ~ Craig Ferguson
Btr Funny quotes by Craig Ferguson
Razzmatazz topped with hot fudge, strawberries, rainbow sprinkles, and whipped cream. It looked nasty, but you had to admire a guy secure enough to order sprinkles. ~ Colleen Coble
Btr Funny quotes by Colleen Coble
What the hell happened to your leg?" Ang asked him.
Matt looked down at his shin, which was scraped and oozing and seemed to be caked in mud. "Crashed."
"Crashed what?" Ang asked.
"My mountain bike. We just got back."
"You crashed, then what? Rolled in dirt?"
He laughed. "Something like that actually. It's not a successful ride if you don't bleed." He must not have noticed the look of horror on my face, because he asked, suddenly enthusiastic, "You guys ride?"Angelo and I just looked at each other, and he seemed to realize that was a "no." "Too bad. Well, make yourselves at home. Beer's in the fridge. I have to get cleaned up. Kickoff's in ten minutes."
"Football?" Angelo asked.
Matt looked at his as if he had just asked if the sky was really blue. "Yeah! First game of the regular season!" We just stared blankly at him, and he just laughed and disappeared down the hall.
Angelo looked at me with a smile on his face. "Four fags watchin' football. Must be pretty fuckin' cold in hell right now. ~ Marie Sexton
Btr Funny quotes by Marie Sexton
Funny how the last thing we want the world to see is almost the first thing to show. ~ Courtney Summers
Btr Funny quotes by Courtney Summers
When a writer with a voice as good as Richard Christian Matheson's tells you something, you have no choice but to listen. In THE RITUAL OF ILLUSION the voices are legion, and the gaps between their testimonies drag us closer to understanding the darkly beating heart of all our, ephemeral, transfixing dreams. Dark, subtle, horrifically funny. ~ Michael Marshall Smith
Btr Funny quotes by Michael Marshall Smith
I'm always doing what I can to look for and just feel out funny things that are happening in the scene and improvise off of them. ~ Thomas Lennon
Btr Funny quotes by Thomas Lennon
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