Branden Quotes

Some people have a view of self and of the universe that obliges them to struggle for happiness, to yearn for happiness-"some time in the future"-perhaps next year or the year after that. But not now. Not at this moment. Not here. Here and now is too terrifyingly close, too terrifyingly immediate. They suffer from happiness anxiety. ~ Nathaniel Branden

We are parts of one universe, true enough. We stand within an almost infinite network of relationships. Yet each of us is a single point of consciousness, a unique event, a private, unrepeatable world. This is the essence of our aloneness. ~ Nathaniel Branden

A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give up the desire to improve him. ~ Nathaniel Branden

It is a curious paradox of human history that a doctrine that tells human beings to regard themselves as sacrificial animals has been accepted as a doctrine representing benevolence and love for mankind. ~ Nathaniel Branden

The idea of Original Sin - of guilt where there is no possibility of innocence, no freedom of choice, no alternatives available - is anti-self-esteem by its very nature. The very notion of guilt without volition or responsibility is an assault on reason as well as on morality. ~ Nathaniel Branden

If you are an adult, you are responsible for your life and well-being. No one owes you the fulfillment of your needs or wants; no one is here on earth to serve you. If you respect the principle of self-ownership, you understand that no one else owns you and that you do not own anyone else. Only on this understanding can there be peace on earth and good will among human beings. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Where we see self esteem, we see self acceptance. High self esteem individual tend to avoid falling into an adversarial relationship with themselves. ~ Nathaniel Branden

You have a right to your feelings. Your feelings are there to tell you something, but they are not infallible guides to behavior. ~ Nathaniel Branden

The stability we cannot find in the world, we must create within our own persons. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Respect starts with ourselves. ~ Nathaniel Branden

A depression is a large-scale decline in production and trade ... there is nothing in the nature of a free-market economy to cause such an event. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Tell me how a person judges his or her self-esteem, and I will tell you how that person operates at work, in love, in sex, in parenting, in every important aspect of existence - and how high he or she is likely to rise. The reputation you have with yourself - your self-esteem - is the single most important factor for a fulfilling life. ~ Nathaniel Branden

In a world in which the total of human knowledge is doubling about every ten years, our security can rest only on our ability to learn. ~ Nathaniel Branden

When we do not express ourselves, do not assert our being, do not stand up for our values in contexts where it is appropriate to do so, we inflict wounds on our sense of self. The world does not do it to us, we do it to ourselves. ~ Nathaniel Branden Ph.D.

Romantic love is a passionate spiritual-emotional-sexual attachment between a man and a woman that reflects a high regard for the value of each other's person. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Innovators and creators are persons who can to a higher degree than average accept the condition of aloneness. They are more willing to follow their own vision, even when it takes them far from the mainland of the human community. Unexplored places do not frighten them- or not, at any rate, as much as they frighten those around them. This is one of the secrets of their power. That which we call genius has a great deal to do with courage and daring, a great deal to do with nerve. ~ Nathaniel Branden

If you feel inadequate to face challenges, unworthy of love or respect, untitled to happiness, and fear assertive thought, wants, or needs- if you lack basic self trust, self-respect, and self-confidence- your self-esteem deficiency will limit you, no matter what other assets you possess. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Moved by a passion they do not understand for a goal they seldom reach, men and women are haunted by the vision of a distant possibility that refuses to be extinguished. ~ Nathaniel Branden

I cannot organize my behaviour optimally if my goal is merely "to do my best." The assignment is too vague. ~ Nathaniel Branden

An emotion is both a mental and a physical event. ~ Nathaniel Branden

The lies most devastating to our self-esteem are not so much the lies we tell as the lies we live. ~ Nathaniel Branden

There is only one reality - the reality knowable to reason. And if man does not choose to perceive it, there is nothing else for him to perceive; if it is not of this world that he is conscious, then he is not conscious at all ~ Nathaniel Branden

When you are frightened, you typically pull energy in to your center, seeing less, hearing less-shrinking consciousness precisely when you need to expand it. ~ Nathaniel Branden

It sounded, I told him, as if he had never learned to balance projecting goals into the future with appreciating and living in the present.
...
To the extent that our goal is to "prove" ourselves or ward off the fear of failure, this balance is difficult to achieve. We are too driven. Not joy but anxiety is our motor.
But if our aim is self-expression rather than self-justification, the balance tends to come more naturally. We will still need to think about its daily implementation, but the anxiety of wounded self-esteem will not make the task nearly impossible. ~ Nathaniel Branden

When we are moved primarily by fear, sooner or later we precipitate the very calamity we dread. If we fear condemnation, we behave in ways that ultimately elicit disapproval. If we fear anger, eventually we make people angry. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Your life is important. Fight for it. Honour your highest potentials. ~ Nathaniel Branden

The feeling that "I am enough" does not mean that I have nothing to learn, nothing further to achieve, and nowhere to grow to. It means that I accept myself, that I am not on trial in my own eyes, that I value and respect myself. This is not an act of indulgence but of courage. ~ Nathaniel Branden

If you overcome your fear to ask someone for a date, a raise, or help with a project, that is an act of self-assertiveness. You are moving out into life rather than contracting and withdrawing. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Most of us are capable of more than we believe. ~ Nathaniel Branden

It is painful to face the self we know we have never had the integrity to honor and assert. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Integrity means congruence. Words and behavior match. ~ Nathaniel Branden

One of the great self-deceptions
and one of the great foolishnesses
is to tell yourself, Only I will know. Only you will know that you are a liar; only you will know you deal unethically with people who trust you; only you will know you have no intention of honoring your promise. Whose knowledge or judgment do you imagine is more important? It is precisely your own ego from which there is no escape. ~ Nathaniel Branden

I have to respect other's opinions even if I don't agree with them. ~ Nathaniel Branden

There is never any valid reason for not being in full mental focus. ~ Barbara Branden

The United States was the first country in the history of the world to be consciously created out of an idea - and the idea was liberty. ~ Nathaniel Branden

The first act of honoring the self is the assertion of consciousness: the choice to think, to be aware, to send the searchlight of consciousness outward toward the world and inward toward our own being. To default on this effort is to default on the self at the most basic level. ~ Nathaniel Branden

If you do not feel deserving of happiness, consciously or subconsciously, or if you have accepted the idea that happiness is somehow wrong or cannot last, you will not respond appropriately when happiness comes knocking at your door in the form of romantic love. No matter how much you may have waited and cried, you will not welcome love when it arrives-you will find a way to sabotage it. What a challenge to resist this temptation! What an opportunity for true spiritual growth and transformation-to defy your negative feelings and honor the gift that life offers you! ~ Nathaniel Branden

Often children who survive extremely adverse childhoods have learned a particular survival strategy. I call it 'strategic detachment.' This is not the withdrawal from reality that leads to psychological disturbance, but an intuitively calibrated disengagement from noxious aspects of their family life or other aspects of their world. They some how know, This is not all there is. They hold the belief that a better alternative exists somewhere and that someday they will find their way to it. They persevere in that idea. They somehow know Mother is not all women, Father is not all men, this family does not exhaust the possibilities of human relationships-there is life beyond this neighborhood. This does not spare them suffering in the present, but it allows them not to be destroyed by it. Their strategic detachment does not guarantee that they will never know feelings of powerlessness, but it helps them not to be stuck there. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Doing more of what doesn't work doesn't work. ~ Nathaniel Branden

It is easy enough to say, Be true to your values. But what if your values are irrational? Or what if the virtues you have committed yourself to are so much against human nature that they cannot be practiced consistently? Be careful of what you accept as your code of morality. Think carefully about whether its tenets serve your life and well being. Exercise critical judgment. Realize how much is at stake-your life, your happiness, your self-esteem. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Positive self-esteem operates as, in effect, the immune system of the consciousness, providing resistance, strength, and a capacity for regeneration. When self-esteem is low, our resilience in the face of life's adversities is diminished. We crumble before vicissitudes that a healthier sense of self could vanquish. We tend to be more influenced by the desire to avoid pain than to experience joy. Negatives have more power over us than positives. ~ Nathaniel Branden

To live consciously means to seek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values, and goals - to the best of our ability, whatever that ability may be - and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Be careful what you say to your children. They may agree with you. ~ Nathaniel Branden

But if I lack respect for and enjoyment of who I am, I have very little to give - except my unfilled needs. In my emotional impoverishment, I tend to see other people essentially as sources of approval or disapproval. I do not appreciate them for who they are in their own right. I see only what they can or cannot do for me. I am not looking for people whom I can admire and with whom I can share the excitement and adventure of life. I am looking for people who will not condemn me - and perhaps will be impressed by my persona, the face I present to the world. My ability to love remains undeveloped. This is one of the reasons why attempts at relationships so often fail - not because the vision of passionate or romantic love is intrinsically irrational, but because the self-esteem needed to support it is absent. ~ Nathaniel Branden

The more you surrender to the fear of someone's disapproval, the more you lose face in your own eyes, and the more desperate you become for someone's approval. Within you is a void that should have been filled by self-esteem. When you attempt to fill it with the approval of others instead, the void grows deeper and the hunger for acceptance and approval grows stronger. The only solution is to summon the courage to honor your own judgment, frightening though that may be in the beginning. ~ Nathaniel Branden

If I am unwilling to take responsibility for the attainment of my desires, they are not really desires - they are merely daydreams. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves. ~ Nathaniel Branden

It would be hard to name a more certain sign of poor self-esteem than the need to perceive some other group as inferior. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Sometimes self-assertiveness is manifested through volunteering an idea or paying a compliment; sometimes through a polite silence that signals nonagreement; sometimes by refusing to smile at a tasteless joke. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Self-esteem is a powerful force within each of us ... Self-esteem is the experience that we are appropriate to life and to the requirements of life. ~ Nathaniel Branden

She said...Branden, the best things in life are worth the greatest risk. Sometimes, before we fall, we fly. ~ Courtney Cole

I cannot remember a time when the question of why people behave as they do was not intensely interesting to me. The desire to understand was very important. When I was young, I was aware of the fact that much of the time, the reasons a person gave for his actions were not the actual reasons. ~ Nathaniel Branden

If you are terrified of making mistakes, you will be reluctant to acknowledge them when you do make them-and therefore you will not correct them. ~ Nathaniel Branden

When we learn how to be in an intimate relationship without abandoning our sense of self, when we learn how to be kind without being self-sacrificing, when we learn how to cooperate with others without betraying our standards and convictions, we are practicing self-assertiveness. ~ Nathaniel Branden

One of the hardest expressions of self-assertiveness is challenging your limiting beliefs. ~ Nathaniel Branden

The opposite of self-assertiveness is self-abnegation
abandoning or submerging your personal values, judgment, and interests. Some people tell themselves this is a virtue. It is a "virtue" that corrodes self-esteem. ~ Nathaniel Branden

You're crazy, you know. That's what falling in love is all about - being vulnerable. Leaning on someone else. You don't lose yourself in the process - you grow. ~ Virna DePaul

You can no more have too much self-esteem than you can have too much health. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Productive achievement is a consequence and an expression of health and self-esteem, not its cause. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Perhaps the essence of our evolution as human beings is to keep answering, on deeper and deeper levels, the basic question: Who am I? ~ Nathaniel Branden

As a psychotherapist I see that nothing does as much for an individual's self-esteem as becoming aware of and accepting disowned parts of the self. The, first steps of healing and growth are awareness and acceptance - consciousness and integration. They are the fountainhead of personal development. ~ Nathaniel Branden

How do we nurture the soul? By revering our own life. By learning to love it all, not only the joys and the victories, but also the pain and the struggles. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Self-esteem is not a luxury; it is a profound spiritual need. ~ Nathaniel Branden

If we attach more importance to what other people believe than to what we know to be true - if we value belonging over being - we will not attain authenticity. ~ Nathaniel Branden

For the optimal realization of our possibilities, we need to trust ourselves and we need to admire ourselves, and the trust and admiration need to be grounded in reality, not generated out of fantasy and self-delusion. ~ Nathaniel Branden

A bully hides his fears with fake bravado. That is the opposite of self-assertiveness. ~ Nathaniel Branden

To honor the self is to be willing to think independently, to live by our own mind, and to have the courage of our own perceptions. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Consciousness that is not translated into appropriate action is a betrayal of consciousness ... Living consciously is living responsibly toward reality. We do not necessarily have to like what we see but we recognize that wishes or fears or denials do not alter facts. ~ Nathaniel Branden

The idea of original sin
of guilt with no possibility of innocence, no freedom of choice, no alternatives
inherently militates against self-esteem. The very notion of guilt without volition or responsibility is an assault on reason as well as on morality. Sin is not original, it is originated
like virtue. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Self-discipline is the ability to organize your behavior over time in the service of specific goals. ~ Nathaniel Branden

If my aim is to prove I am "enough," the project goes on to infinity - because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable. ~ Nathaniel Branden

When your principles seem to be demanding suicide, clearly it's time to check your premises ~ Nathaniel Branden

I am responsible for my own existence and happiness. ~ Nathaniel Branden

The world belongs to those who persevere. ~ Nathaniel Branden

If you bring five percent more awareness to your work tomorrow, or to your most important relationship, what might you do differently? Are you willing to find out? ~ Nathaniel Branden

A goal without an action plan is a daydream. ~ Nathaniel Branden

To trust one's mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem. ~ Nathaniel Branden

As far as the functioning of your mind is concerned, it doesn't matter what you feel. It doesn't matter to anyone else, and it matters least of all to yourself. ~ Barbara Branden

When self-esteem is low, we are often manipulated by fear ... We live more to avoid pain than to experience joy. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Fear and pain should be treated as signals not to close our eyes but to open them wider. ~ Nathaniel Branden

The natural inclination of a child is to take pleasure in the use of the mind no less than of the body. The child's primary business is learning. It is also the primary entertainment. To retain that orientation into adulthood, so that consciousness is not a burden but a joy, is the mark of the successfully developed human being. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Sometimes the subconscious mind manifests a wisdom several steps or even years ahead of the conscious mind, and has its own way of leading us toward our destiny. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Loving consciously does not mean subjecting your relationship to endless analysis. It means something much simpler: paying attention. Noticing. This requires presence. ~ Nathaniel Branden

No one is coming to save you ... ~ Nathaniel Branden

Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself. ~ Nathaniel Branden

When we have unconflicted self-esteem, joy is our motor, not fear. It is happiness that we wish to experience, not suffering that we wish to avoid. Our purpose is self-expression, not self-avoidance or self-justification. Our motive is not to "prove" our worth but to live our possibilities. ~ Nathaniel Branden

For "I" to become "we" and yet remain "I," is one of the great challenges of marriage. ~ Nathaniel Branden

I recall my sometimes acutely painful feelings of loneliness and of longing for someone with whom I could share thoughts, interests, and feelings. By sixteen I had accepted the idea that loneliness was a weakness and longing for human intimacy represented a failure of independence. I did not hold this view consistently, but I held it some of the time, and when I did, I had no answer to the pain except to tense my body against it, contract my breathing, reproach myself, and look for a distraction. I tried to convince myself I did not care. In effect, I clung to alienation as a virtue. ~ Nathaniel Branden

The challenge for people today
and it is not and easy one
is to maintain high personal standards even while feeling that one is living in a moral sewer. ~ Nathaniel Branden

It is generally recognized that creativity requires leisure, an absence of rush, time for the mind and imagination to float and wander and roam, time for the individual to descend into the depths of his or her psyche, to be available to barely audible signals rustling for attention. Long periods of time may pass in which nothing seems to be happening. But we know that kind of space must be created if the mind is to leap out of its accustomed ruts, to part from the mechanical, the known, the familiar, the standard, and generate a leap into the new. ~ Nathaniel Branden

To preserve an unclouded capacity for the enjoyment of life is an unusual moral and psychological achievement. Contrary to popular belief, it is not the prerogative of mindlessness, but the exact opposite: It is the reward of self-esteem. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Your life is important. Honor it. Fight for your highest possibilities. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Live with integrity, respect the rights of other people, and follow your own bliss. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Focused on your image in the mirror a few moments longer, and say to yourself, "Whatever my defects or imperfections, I accept myself unreservedly and completely." Stay focused, breathe deeply, and say this over and over again for a minute or two without rushing the process. Allow yourself to experience fully the meaning of your words. ~ Nathaniel Branden

We must become what we wish to teach. ~ Nathaniel Branden

The higher our self-esteem, the more likely we are to be creative in our work, which means the more successful we are likely to be. The higher our self-esteem, the more ambitious we tend to be, not necessarily in a career or financial sense, but in terms of what we hope to experience in life - emotionally, creatively and spiritually. ~ Nathaniel Branden

It is a mistake to look at someone who is self assertive and say, "It's easy for her, she has good self-esteem." One of the ways you build self-esteem is by being self-assertive when it is not easy to do so. There are always times when self-assertiveness requires courage, no matter how high your self-esteem. ~ Nathaniel Branden

Either you will make your life work, or your life will not work. ~ Nathaniel Branden

One of the characteristics of love relationships that flower is a relatively high degree of mutual self-disclosure ~ Nathaniel Branden

What a great teacher, a great parent, a great psychotherapist and a great coach have in common is a deep belief in the potential of the person with whom they are concerned. They relate to the person from their vision of his or her worth and value. ~ Nathaniel Branden