Bookish Humour Quotes

She remembered one of her boyfriends asking, offhandedly, how many books she read in a year. "A few hundred," she said.
"How do you have the time?" he asked, gobsmacked.
She narrowed her eyes and considered the array of potential answers in front of her. Because I don't spend hours flipping through cable complaining there's nothing on? Because my entire Sunday is not eaten up with pre-game, in-game, and post-game talking heads? Because I do not spend every night drinking overpriced beer and engaging in dick-swinging contests with the other financirati? Because when I am waiting in line, at the gym, on the train, eating lunch, I am not complaining about the wait/staring into space/admiring myself in reflective surfaces? I am reading!
"I don't know," she said, shrugging. ~ Eleanor Brown

Everyone's face is odd, because we only get one. ~ Benny Bellamacina

Time to tell the prince he rescued the wrong girl. ~ Katie McGarry

And so Mort came at last to the river Ankh, greatest of rivers. Even before it entered the city, it was slow and heavy with the silt of the plains, and by the time it got to The Shades even an agnostic could have walked across it. It was hard to drown in the Ankh, but easy to suffocate. ~ Terry Pratchett

True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of eighty is left in a room with two eighteen-year-old cocktail waitresses nothing happens. ~ Woody Allen

I'm glad to be eating the bread of freedom even if it does taste like sponge buttered with greasy salt. ~ Diane Samuels

The clown knows that life is cruel. The ancient jester's motley coloured costume turned his usually melancholy expression in to a joke. The clown is used to loss. Loss is his prologue. ~ John Berger

I do not give a sh*t, the toilet miss me now ~ Mohlalefi J Motsima

I moved out of my head office and went out of my mind. ~ Benny Bellamacina

Headline?" he asked.
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said. ~ John Green

A guy walks into a psychologist's convention with a banana in his pocket.When asked about the significance of this he says;well,they were all out of grapes. ~ Bob Newhart

Life is like playing the violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. ~ Samuel Butler

Stephanie could see the greed seep into the watery eyes of her
father's other brother, a horrible little man called Fergus, as he
nodded sadly and spoke sombrely and pocketed the silverware
when he thought no one was looking ~ Derek Landy

C'mon. I'll show you."
"Thou speakest strange!" Pearl said.
"So do thou!" I said.
"Thee!"
"Thou!" I said. ~ Eileen Favorite

Call me what you want; I'm still taking your cake. ~ Lu

He led them around the base of a great fallen tree whose exposed roots resembled more than anything else a huge broom - a broom that would have fired the imagination of Rachel the Dragon toward heroic, legendary feats of sweeping. ~ Tad Williams

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the 'totality'. The television also told her she wouldn't age if she bought expensive creams and pills. ~ Guillermo Del Toro

I am always doing what I thought I couldn't do because I Thought I might learn something.
Henri Marcel French Artist ~ Brenda H. Sedgwick

We live in a world where singles are more sexual active than couples ~ Mohlalefi J Motsima

People still talk about a British sense of humour, or French slapstick or how the Germans have no sense of humour - and it's just rubbish. I do strongly feel that we are all the bloody same. ~ Eddie Izzard

Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I hate it when people say 'follow your heart.' That is not a morally sufficient reason for stalking. ~ Karl Kristian Flores

Americans invented adolescence. It is not a natural phenomenon. Adolescence is a social construct, created by an urban-industrial society that keeps its young at home far past puberty. Teenage angst is a luxury if a successful modern human conceit that isn't condoned by our superior species. ~ Sarah Beth Durst

Of course I've gone mad with power! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring and no one listens to you!
- Russ Cargill ~ Matt Groening

You little prick. It's a whelk ... it's a ... it's a ... dead whelk! ~ St John Morris

The feeling of 'turning into your dad' is nothing compared to the realisation that your son is turning into you. ~ Andy Graham

It may not feel too classy, begging just to eat
But you know who does that?
Lassie, and she always gets a treat

So you wonder what your part is
Because you're homeless and depressed But home is where the heart is
So your real home's in your chest

Everyone's a hero in their own way Everyone's got villains they must face
They're not as cool as mine
But folks you know it's fine to know your place

Everyone's a hero in their own way
In their own not-that-heroic way
So I thank my girlfriend Penny
Yeah, we totally had sex
She showed me there's so many different muscles I can flex

There's the deltoids of compassion,
There's the abs of being kind
It's not enough to bash in heads
You've got to bash in minds

Everyone's a hero in their own way Everyone's got something they can do Get up go out and fly
Especially that guy, he smells like poo

Everyone's a hero in their own way
You and you and mostly me and you
I'm poverty's new sheriff
And I'm bashing in the slums
A hero doesn't care if you're a bunch of scary alcoholic bums

Everybody!

Everyone's a hero in their own way Everyone can blaze a hero's trail
Don't worry if it's hard
If you're not a friggin 'tard you will prevail

Everyone's a hero in their own way Everyone's a hero in their... ~ Joss Whedon

Individuality: ten. Cautiousness: three. Combativeness: nine." She looked over and gave me a wink. "Well, what did you expect from a pirate's daughter? Hope: eight. Amativeness. What's that?"
Kate acutally blushed. "I think it has something to do with your attractiveness to the opposite sex."
"Ten," said Nadira, smiling modestly.
(Skybreaker by Kenneth Oppel) ~ Kenneth Oppel

I also felt that Ron and Hermione would have gotten divorced. I'm sorry, I just do. The end of Harry Potter did feel ultimately to me ... just the fact everybody had married everybody. The books were so real and so grounded in what things are really like when you're that age, she nailed that so beautifully. And then there was this slightly fantastical ending. I know that was there for her to say, 'Really, I mean it, no more books,' but you do sort of go, people who were in a war are different from people who haven't been, and how does it affect them? But am I going to second-guess my favorite writer? I think not. ~ Joss Whedon

I've met at least three Great Beast 666's over the last few years, and not one of them had even one-tenth of the wit, humour, wisdom or panache that I would expect from a figure of Crowleyan proportions. Isn't it curious how those who strive to be someone else are very selective; yes, I can see that you've got the heroin habit and mastered the art of beating up on your 'scarlet women,' but you haven't been extradited [sic] from any countries, you haven't published anything, nor have you climbed any mountains of late. ~ Phil Hine

Tea was the great arbiter of many things, and for Pastaddams, his morning cup meant the difference between expressing rational thought and succumbing to the ineptitude that occupied recesses of his dormant mind. Merely having the cup in his hand facilitated the flow of ideas, and upon tea, the great nourishment of the tailor's life, rested all his claims to rational dependence. ~ Michelle Franklin

In my desperation to try to lull myself into a gentle sloom, I have created a list of things that will often assist my descent into delicious treacle-sleep. The list includes a series of things I can do if I go to bed and wake up early, and includes things like playing games and reading books, but one item that continually seems to work is telling myself:

The faster I go to sleep, the faster I can have cookies for breakfast.

This idea might seem rudimentary, but it staves off the sulks long enough that I can find a few hours of sleep, even on the hottest of days. If only Biscuit Power worked for other insomniacs, cookies might save humanity from itself. ~ Michelle Franklin

Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight. ~ Eoin Colfer

The cube contained knowledge of every person born and every battle fought; every kiss enjoyed and every secret kept; every word that was ever uttered and every thought that was ever conceived, from The Beginning until The End of Time.
"Looks a bit shit," said Sid. ~ Steven McKinnon

We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! ~ Douglas Adams

We offered her flowers and signalled to her with our penises, but she did not respond with joy.'
'The men with the extra skins didn't look happy. They looked angry.'
'We went towards them to greet them, but they ran away.'
Snowman can imagine. The sight of these preternaturally calm, well-muscled men advancing en masse, singing their unusual music, green eyes glowing, blue penises waving in unison, both hands outstretched like extras in a zombie film, would have to have been alarming. ~ Margaret Atwood

How much to make her go to her room and stop talking to me?" Cal asked.
While I gaped at his rudeness, Gigi coughed a rather obvious "douchebag!" into her fist. I caught her eye and shook my head emphatically. Douche-coughing someone with superhearing was not a responsible choice. ~ Molly Harper

Tallish. Check. Built like a bull. Check. Were there tingles in her downstairs department? Mmhmm. Check. Her pearly gates had gone into override and the doors were ready to burst open. ~ Cari Silverwood

Okay, so how does this work exactly?" I ask as we walk toward his car. "Do we float down the bayou in rowboat while little critters sing 'Kiss the Girl'. ~ Colleen Hoover

I'll betide thee, say I, and may the Gods, or at least the Athenians, confound thee for a vile citizen and a vile third-rate actor! Read the evidence. ~ Demosthenes

- Where is Polonius?
- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself. ~ William Shakespeare

When life gives you lemons ask it for sugar and water too. Otherwise your final product would be some acidic lemon juice! ~ Priyavrat Gupta

I can always make up my mind better when there's a man around, because I know the thing to do is just the opposite to what he says. ~ Sophie Kerr

Did you catch the time-of-great-suffering thing?"
Her expression softened. "Can you just make sure I'm not around when it happens?"
"No can do," I said, strolling back to my office with a negating wave of my hand. "If I have to suffer, then so does everyone else within a ten-mile radius."
She pursed her lips. "What ever happened to taking one for the team?"
"Was never much of a team player."
"Sacrificing yourself for the greater good?"
"Not that into human sacrifice."
"Suffering in silence?"
I stopped and turned back to her, my eyes narrowing accusingly. "If I have to suffer, I'll be screaming your name at the top of my lungs the whole time. You'll be able to hear me all the way to Jersey, mark my words."
- Charley to Cookie ~ Darynda Jones

He was shaking so badly, we could have used him to make martinis for James Bond. ~ Elizabeth George

You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you're smart, you'll end up as a comedian. If you're not, you'll end up as a clown. ~ Ljupka Cvetanova

You know, my poor grandmother once told me that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. Life has taught me that it's actually a few inches lower. ~ Jenifer Mohammed