Bill Cosby Quotes

If you have one of the worst schools in the city, then chances are the teachers are not going to care for you. Chances are the parents don't feel seriously about coming to meet with teachers. ~ Bill Cosby

Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?" ~ Bill Cosby

There's a gap between people knowing what I do and really believing that I still do that - and wondering what it is I really do. ~ Bill Cosby

I wish people would understand that comedy is an art form, and that the same thing that makes a Picasso painting is the same thing that gives Bill Cosby the ability to do an hour of comedy on his kids. ~ Godfrey

'Don't worry about senility', my grandfather used to say. ~ Bill Cosby

Some authority on parenting once said, "Hold them very close and then let them go." This is the hardest truth for a father to learn: that his children are continuously growing up and moving away from him (until, of course, they move back in). ~ Bill Cosby

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague. ~ Bill Cosby

When I was a boy if a girl got pregnant the shame was placed on her and the boy could get away. ~ Bill Cosby

I'm going OUT ... because I DESERVE to go out! And I'm going to get DRUNK ... because I DESERVE to get drunk! And get out of my way! ~ Bill Cosby

When you introduce competition into the public school system, most studies show that schools start to do better when they are competing for students. ~ Bill Cosby

Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics. ~ Chris Rock

I don't spend my hours worrying how to slip a social message into my act. ~ Bill Cosby

Tons of comedians have said, 'I grew up learning from Bill Cosby. He's great.' But that respect doesn't mean much to the young people. They like their ginger ale with hot sauce. ~ Bill Cosby

I see Obama as Sisyphus in the first four years. And nobody would speak about the size of the rock, or the elevation of the hill. All you hear people talk about is what he didn't do. ~ Bill Cosby

While fathers are pleasant figureheads, there is a special bond between children and their mothers. 'Do you help your mother clean up the house?' I asked one girl of seven. 'No,' she sweetly replied, 'I help make the mess.' It's a dirty job but somebody's got to do it. ~ Bill Cosby

You can never give complete authority and overall power to anyone until trust can be proven. ~ Bill Cosby

Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language. ~ Bill Cosby

Among the guitarists, Wes Montgomery is fantastic. He's always good to let you know what the art form is all about. It's the same still life that everybody is painting, but in comes Wes Montgomery, and it's right there! ~ Bill Cosby

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. ~ Bill Cosby

The Internet is like Hitler they think they are getting rid of the problem but they're not ~ Bill Cosby

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble. ~ Bill Cosby

You are more important to yourself than you think you are. ~ Bill Cosby

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you. ~ Bill Cosby

But if that's what you want to be, that's what you will be - as long as you study. ~ Bill Cosby

A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone. ~ Bill Cosby

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets? ~ Bill Cosby

YOU are a genius! ... and I am a genius because I married you. ~ Bill Cosby

You can't be everything to everyone ~ Bill Cosby

Your parents put a curse on you - Someday your kids are going to act just like you. ~ Bill Cosby

Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you. ~ Bill Cosby

It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I ... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar. ~ Bill Cosby

I'm supposed to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty," I told her.
Without a moment's hesitation, in a split second, my grandmother shrugged and said: "It depends on if you're drinking or pouring. ~ Bill Cosby

Nice father figure. Him and Bill Cosby. ~ Jim Butcher

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in. ~ Bill Cosby

There are times my stories become - what I feel - not only accessible to hearing me on television, but they make wonderful reading. ~ Bill Cosby

If you know two languages, the level of your intelligence
is multiplied a hundredfold in other people's eyes. ~ Bill Cosby

I feel that in-person contact with people is the most important thing in comedy. While I'm up on stage, I can actually put myself into the audience and adjust my pace and tuning to them. I can get into their heads through their ears and through their eyes. Only through this total communication can I really achieve what I'm trying to do. ~ Bill Cosby

My kids and I love to listen to Bill Cosby. ~ Melissa Etheridge

On many young actors that don't give their parents proper credit: I'm still waiting for some actor to win, say, an Oscar ... and deliver the following acceptance speech: I would like to thank my parents, first of all, for letting me live. ~ Bill Cosby

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off. ~ Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby is a famous black guy who has a bully pulpit the size of the world; it's global. He puts his colossal foot on the vulnerable necks of poor people, and as a result of that, we don't have a balanced conversation. ~ Michael Eric Dyson

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread. ~ Bill Cosby

The beautiful thing about older people is their ability to cut the fat off of conversation. When they talk, they don't go on forever and ever. They say what they have to say, and that's it. That was my grand dad. Some of the things he said stunned me, but his words were logical. I'll never forget them. ~ Bill Cosby

Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli. ~ Bill Cosby

What people are tired of, the people who agree with me, what they're tired of is listening to that sound, the sound of the people who've given up. ~ Bill Cosby

I want all this loud profanity in the street stopped. I want people to think about choices. ~ Bill Cosby

Give me 200 active 2-year-olds and I could conquer the world. ~ Bill Cosby

Anyone who has brought up children knows that consistency has absolutely nothing to do with discipline. ~ Bill Cosby

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework. ~ Bill Cosby

I am not going to give in to people who try to exploit me because of my celebrity status. ~ Bill Cosby

You can't compete with Walmart. But you can have smaller businesses that are successful. ~ Bill Cosby

There are some people who have trouble recognizing a mess. ~ Bill Cosby

If I read the small print, and I see that what I love to taste has pantonaponamene or fake smeinlioaimine, then I have to hide in my room when I eat it. I'm still gonna eat it, it's just gonna be 'Don't come in here!' ~ Bill Cosby

The accusations against Bill Cosby are a classic case of he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said. ~ Unknown

When you become senile, you won't know it. ~ Bill Cosby

The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation. ~ Bill Cosby

We've got too many young girls, who don't know how to parent, turning themselves into parents. ~ Bill Cosby

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods. ~ Bill Cosby

I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time. ~ Herbert Bayard Swope

I think the part of media that romanticizes criminal behavior, things that a person will say against women, profanity, being gangster, having multiple children with multiple men and women and not wanting to is prevalent. When you look at the majority of shows on television they placate that kind of behavior. ~ Bill Cosby

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first. ~ Bill Cosby

Anecdote: In a controversial way, Comedian and actor Bill Cosby sought to teach his son the pain of being lied to. Convinced his son had been dishonest regarding an issue, Cosby promised that if he told him the truth, he would not hit him. When his son did confess, Cosby did hit him. Seeing his son's shock and hurt, Cosby said he hoped this lesson had deepened his understanding of the anguish generated by a sense betrayal. ~ Bill Cosby

Telemarketers tell me I sound like Bill Cosby. ~ Bill Cosby

Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, 'you know I worry about you sometimes.' ~ Bill Cosby

In Into the Woods, Cinderella runs from her prince, Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince, and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby. ~ Tina Fey

Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby. ~ Craig Ferguson

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity. ~ Bill Cosby

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them. ~ Bill Cosby

If you speak your mind and if it is true what you're saying, then I think the integrity of what you're saying carries through. ~ Bill Cosby

I don't care what right-wing white people are thinking. ~ Bill Cosby

only stupid one's ~ Bill Cosby

Racial humor was about 35% of my act when I first started. But I realized that it was a crutch. What brought it home was when another comedian said to me, 'If you changed color tomorrow, you wouldn't have any material.' He meant it as a put-down, but I took it as a challenge. ~ Bill Cosby

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. ~ Bill Cosby

I think if a 30-year-old Bill Cosby sat on stage with a 72-year-old Bill Cosby, they would enjoy each other. ~ Bill Cosby

Growing up, I loved Bill Cosby and Bob Newhart. They are a big reason I'm a storyteller because they are two of the best. ~ Henry Cho

I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn't writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people's moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you. ~ Felipe Esparza

I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson. ~ Drew Carey

It's more blessed to give than to receive
especially kittens. ~ Bill Cosby

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. ~ Demetri Martin

Every romance does not lead to sex. ~ Bill Cosby

People say children are charming because they tell the truth. That's a lie. I've got five of them. They only tell the truth if they're in pain. ~ Bill Cosby

A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain. ~ Bill Cosby

You are not going to 'go forth.' You are going to take that damn hat off and you're going to get a job. ~ Bill Cosby

If I didn't like poor people, why would I come and tell them how to make their lives better? ~ Bill Cosby

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse." ~ Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby is one of America's most successful black performers. ~ Renee Montagne

Have you ever had a cookie? Then you won't get any here either. ~ Bill Cosby

People will frighten you about a graduation ... They use words you don't hear often ... ~ Bill Cosby

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them. - BILL COSBY ~ Timothy Ferriss

I'm old, not dead. ~ Bill Cosby

I had always loved comedy, and acted out Steve Martin and Bill Cosby albums with my sister for my parents on road trips and stuff, and I loved to laugh and make people laugh. ~ Rob Delaney

In September of 1960, I was blessed - and I'm not saying blessed in the everyday religious way - when Temple University accepted me after scoring 500 on the SAT. I was 23 years old, and they put me in remedial. I was the happiest remedial person on earth. ~ Bill Cosby

My father wanted me to play pro football, and he didn't like the fact that I'd left school. And he said, It takes a man to play football. And any fool can go up on the stage and make an ass of himself. ~ Bill Cosby

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal. ~ Bill Cosby

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home. ~ Bill Cosby

With my wife Camille's help, I took to social networking. I'm working with the computers. ~ Bill Cosby

People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on. ~ Bill Cosby

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap. ~ Bill Cosby

Romance is a different word than sexual contact. ~ Bill Cosby

Well, I really don't know what the secret of success is but I can tell you that the secret of failure is to try to please everyone. ~ Bill Cosby