Augusten Burroughs Quotes

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Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
Bookman isn't a stable man. He has a lot of problems that run very, very deep.
But he was really good at giving head. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
I said all the wrong things. Except when I was busy saying all the mean ones and in the end I hated everybody and everything. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
As my friend Amy observed: "Divorce is like a Polaroid picture. What truly happened will develop over time and you will see. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Glen had a disability more disfiguring than a burn and more terrifying than cancer.
Glen had been born on the day after Christmas.
"My parents just combine my birthday with Christmas, that's all," he explained.
But we knew this was a lie. Glen's parents just wrapped a couple of his Christmas presents in birthday-themed wrapping paper, stuck some candles in a supermarket cake, and had a dinner of Christmas leftovers. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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This is what I'm saying; you hate your life.
But you don't know what life is.
Life is too huge for you to possibly hate.
If you hate life, you haven't seen enough of it. If you hate your life, it's because your life is too small and doesn't fit you.
However big you think your life is, it's nothing compared to what's out there. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
But I can also write in crappy motel rooms, while standing in line, or sitting in the dentist's chair. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
Now I can add prostitute to my list of life's accomplishments. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
I really look at my childhood as being one giant rusty tuna can that I continue to recycle in many different shapes. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Dennis is the person who organizes everything in our lives. To the casual outsider, it would seem grossly unfair. He owns a company, he handles all our money, he manages our lives. While I sit and write, Dennis does everything else. When I try to accept additional responsibilities, I make a mess and he has to fix whatever I broke. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
In AA, you are brainwashed into believing that all the good stuff happens only after you stop drinking. Clearly they are lying; my life improved significantly as soon as I ordered a cocktail. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I believe in the baby Jesus, and I believe he is handsome and lives in the sky with his pet cow. I believe that it is essential the cow like you, and if you pet the cow with your mind, it will lick your hand and give you cash. But if you make the cow angry, it will turn away from you, forget you exist, and your life will fall into shambles. I believe that as long as the cow likes you, you can get what you want. In order to keep the cow's favor, you need to 'let go and let God,' meaning you can't obsess about controlling every little thing. You have to let things unfold naturally, and not try to change things you cannot change. On the other hand, I believe that if you've made the cow happy by living this way, you're allowed to ask for favors... ~ Augusten Burroughs
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And human instinct is ancient and reliable, utterly mysterious and possibly capable of great genius. I believe that refined, fluent instincts are a person's most valuable asset. My own instincts have repeatedly guided me against the grain of logic and probability. When I have trusted and followed their direction, they have never been wrong. I don't know how or why. But I know that every significant experience-positive or negative-sharpens them and makes them more accurate. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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My parents had this relationship that was really terrifying. I mean, the level of hatred that they had, and the level of physical abuse - my mother would beat up my father, basically - and I think I was drawn to images on television that were bright and reflective. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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As a writer, you can't allow yourself the luxury of being discouraged and giving up when you are rejected, either by agents or publishers. You absolutely must plow forward. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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The one thing that will finally make you feel you aren't missing something essential, such as the point. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
The dark side of blogging is, of course, people can be (and are) just savage and uncivilized, deeply cruel and fully unaccountable. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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There is a complexity to life that I often overlook. There is a depth of thinking, there is a richness. I am skating on the surface. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Because confidence is not the presence of anything at all. Confidence is a reduction of your own interest in whether others are thinking about you and if so, what they're thinking. Put another way, to be more confident you need to give a whole lot less of a shit about what other people think of you. Confidence is not something you feel or possess; it's something others use to describe what they see when they look at you. The experience others call confidence you experience as being at ease, fully yourself, and not self-conscious but rather task conscious. When ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Should I just sit down, right here at carousel seven, and shake until somebody's arms are around me and they're saying, 'It's okay, I'm here, I'm here, come with me to the institute. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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It can be a bit of a puzzle, locating the single aspect of your life that isn't what it appears to be, the belief you assume you hold dear but that, in fact, you've never even questioned.

It's hard to find what you don't know you're searching for. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
No matter how awful something is, you can always sell tickets. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Sometimes, people avoid recognizing how they feel because they believe the feelings are a part of them, and admitting to harboring anger or jealousy feels like admitting to a physical flaw. So certain feelings are denied. Which is something like believing your house is clean as long as you don't peek under the beds. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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To stop drinking, all you have to do is sit. In 100 percent of the documented cases of alcoholism worldwide, the people who recovered all shared one thing in common, no matter how they did it: They didn't do it. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Let the people who want to have kids, have them. And let the rest of us spend the extra money on ourselves. Being gay doesn't make you a bad person. Not wanting kids doesn't make you a bad person. Perhaps crushing the bones in one little girl's hand makes you a bad person, but that was an accident. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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It was time to leave. He was insufferable, had toilet problems, looked demented to begin with, and now he was the accomplice to a cat killer. Yet did I leave? No, I sat there. And I thought, What has happened to me? Why am I not rising up off the sofa? Why am I not leaving? ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I never get sick of writing my own stories because there's a certain comfort in knowing you will never run out of material. It's relaxing, actually, to write. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
My mistake was in underestimating the emotional force of a song you have already hear a thousand times. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
I wasn't cold, I wasn't anything at all I was only a blur. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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With my own memoirs, they are truthful, and I write everything fully expecting to some day end up televised on Court TV, and I'm fully prepared to be challenged legally on it. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I think you're healthy in certain ways, and I think you're a pathetic disaster in others. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
No matter your spiritual beliefs, if you hold any, the answer is the same: sometimes, why is not knowable. If you open the refrigerator door and a tub of Kozy Shack tapioca pudding tumbles out and splats open onto the floor, you clean it. You don't stand there and question why it happened, how it was possible. Why doesn't matter now. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Tracy, the leader of the CDH group, looks at me with eyes that seem to belong to someone three times her age. It's something beyond wisdom, all the way to insanity and back. It's like her eyes are scarred from all the things she's seen. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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He likes people because he likes to share in conversations. I like people when they have large checks for me. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Long marriages have ended in ruin over tiny and insignificant grievances that were never properly aired and instead grew into a brittle barnacle of hatred. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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In some ways, blogging is like drinking - it gives a person permission to be a total asshole. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Therapy could be of tremendous benefit to "getting over" one's past if the therapy is focused on specific ways to stop submitting to the temptation to obsess. Many people with difficult histories carry these histories with them, burnishing the past with each retelling. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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A tear wells in his eye. It wells and then spills down his cheek. And despite being pumped with booze and coke, I can read that one eye as clearly as a billboard for cigarettes. Only instead of saying Alive with Pleasure it says, I Have to Go Now. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I discovered the bleeding when he licked my hand and left a swath of blood behind, death's autograph. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Would like to chop you up into small, manageable pieces and grill you on a hibachi, then feed you to my shar-pei. But all that comes out is Welcome to moviefone! ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I referred albums to the more modern eight tracks. Albums came with sleeves which reminded me of clean underwear. Plus, the pictures were bigger, making it easier to see each follicle of Tony Orlando's shiny arm hair. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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But even with my minimal amount of fame, there are certain perks. Recently, I was at a movie premier, and at the party after the movie, Meryl Streep was loose, walking around the room like a normal person. Absolutely nothing was preventing me from lunging toward her and shrieking Dingoes ate my baby! Dingoes ate my baby! ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I love to both give and receive very old books. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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We never sampled our drugs because we were afraid of them, but to admit it aloud would have broken the spell. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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SEEING THE TRUTH MEANS looking at everything for the first time, every time. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I was desperate to discover what nothing felt like. It was the absence of something that attracted me. It was the start. Everything important originated with nothingness. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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She's an excellent presenter and would have succeeded in advertising, is what I think. She generates a sense of excitement in the room and I become aware that my hands are moist with sweat, but not from fear. From needing to know what happened next. I like the drama. I glance around the room and other people look rapt as well. And I feel like, That's the reason to go to a gay rehab. People appreciate the drama. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Maybe you feel pressure to be positive because so many people rely on your good, fake-positive energy? If that's the case, screw everybody else. You're not a bottle of Valium. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
If you hate your life, you haven't seen enough of it. If you hate your life, it's because your life is too small and it doesn't fit you. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
The more obsessed one is with getting thin, the more certain it becomes that one will never get there. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
I wouldn't want to waste any of my brain cells on forgiving if it's holding me back. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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We had a wealth of something we didn't want, but the wealth itself was intoxicating and we invented games just so we could experience the sensation of having too much of something. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Because here is the truth: If you want to have a chance at meeting somebody with whom you are genuinely compatible, never put your best foot forward. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Freshly brainwashed from rehab, I carry the bottle into the bathroom. I hold it up to the light. See the pretty bottle? Isn't it beautiful? Yes, it's beautiful. I unscrew the cap and pour it into the toilet. I flush twice. And then I think, why did I flush twice? The answer, is of course, because I truly do know myself. I cannot be sure I won't attempt to drink from the toilet, like a dog. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Never work with children, puppies or bulimics. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
Truthfulness itself is almost medication, even when it's served without advice or insight. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
Awe, I discovered, was my favorite feeling. It was a rare experience, but when it happened, it was like an orgasm for the mind. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I knew that he was as reliable as a mathematical formula. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I saw a monkey walking on a leash and thought it was an ugly foreign child. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Olives are the wishbones of the cocktail world; rarely are they freely passed along to somebody else. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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And as soon as I thought this, I tried to think of something else quickly. Because we were so close that I felt sometimes like she could read my mind. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Well, you know, just some old man all alone. God, I hope I don't end up alone like that. Some pathetic old woman with nobody to go on a whale watch with. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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You will either do so convincingly and well, or you won't. But at least you will be plugged in to the moment in the process. Not flitting just outside of it, trying to keep everything together like one of those little heel-snapping Sheltie dogs. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Being busy is not the same as being focused. Being focused means being here. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I want to write something that means something to someone ... the reminds them of what a second, a moment, really is ... or that assures them that we are just as lost as they are. I want to write an emotion they are too fragile to let loose, so that my words can do the expression for them, the feeling for them. I want to write beyond the basics and the cliches ... I want to write you, I want to write a long walk on a starry night, I want to write an exhale or an inhale ... or suffocation.
I want to write as clear as my voice could be heard ... that is, if I had anything to say. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Six hours later, when I returned, I was greeted at the door- and this before it was even opened -by the overpowering smell of vinegar. What were my neighbors thinking? That a douche-obsessed woman with a gigantic, three-foot vagina lived next door? ~ Augusten Burroughs
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So we can be filled with holes and loss and wide expanses of unhealed geography - and we can also be excited by life and in love and content at the exact same moment. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Unscripted, unedited, and wholly authentic people are almost universally admired, especially if they have flaws, are not afraid to make live, red-blooded mistakes, and rather than trying are busy simply being. Which is something you should consider hiring a tattoo artist to script across the palm of your hand: Be, Don't Try. "Oh my God, I can't do that. I would totally mess up." You better pray to the corn god that you do. Messing up is how you tell other people, "It's okay to like me, because I'm just like you." Everybody feels a bit like a dented can inside. Even the slickest, most polished person you can think of is more aware of their shortcomings and flaws than their talents and gifts. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Loss creates a greater overall surface area within a person. You expand as a result of it. Though it may very well feel like the opposite. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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If my mother was odd enough to crave a bubble bath at three in the morning, Dorothy was inventive enough to suggest adding broken glass to the tub. If my mother insisted on listening to West Side Story repeatedly, it was Dorothy who said, 'Let's listen to it on forty-five!' And when my mother announced that she wanted a fur wrap like Auntie Mame, Dorothy bought her an unstable Norwegian elkhound from a puppy mill. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I think out of seven billion people, there is probably more than just one soul mate. Surely, the paid employee in charge of each person's love life has taken into account the possibility of fatal snake bites and heavy falling objects. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Self-pity is the bestiality of emotions: it absolutely disgusts people. When you're feeling pity for yourself, and somebody says to you 'You think maybe it's time for the pity party to be over? You should stop feeling sorry for yourself and try to think positive,' it makes you wish you could saw their head off. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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You must never allow something that happened to you to become a morbidly treasured heirloom that you carry, show people, put back in its black velvet pouch and then tuck back into your jacket where you can keep it close to your heart. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I think I love him, but I also think that you can love people who aren't good for you. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I don't think it's any more deceptive than wearing four-inch come-fuck-me pumps when one has no intention of ever fucking anybody. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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When you have your health, you have everything. When you do not have your health, nothing else matters at all. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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No matter what I've written, someone somewhere has come up to me and said, "Me too." The truth can be offensive, but it's always nourishing, in a way. You recognize it. You can feel it. And even if [readers] think, "My god, I would never get in those situations," within those ridiculous circumstances that I have created for myself, they know the way I respond is probably what they would do too. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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After I cut off his penis, I sautéed it in rosemary butter and ate it"
"But did you go to a meeting afterwards?"
"Yes"
"I wouldn't worry about it, then. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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What I am certain of is that there's something wonky going on beneath the surface of what we call reality. Things are not as they appear. They are much, much more. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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The air is so clean out here, so fresh. Reminds me of when I was a little girl in Georgia. Then she took More from her pack and lit it. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Being an unhappy person does not mean you must be sad or dark. You can be interested instead of happy. You can be fascinated instead of happy. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I thought, I can't do advertising any more, so I was downloading all these PDF applications from community colleges. And I thought, I'll become a paramedic. I'll get a two-year associate degree, if I can get in. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Pissed-off people need back rubs and they also need gym memberships. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I'm not going to waste my energy looking into the eyes of someone like the guy who blew my legs off trying to find a way to forgive him for doing something that horrible when there are way more productive ways I could be spending my life. You've got to focus on moving on. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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It was like living in a new house. I saw the undersides of tables, walked through the tangle of chair legs. It would be good to be a dog, I thought. You would feel safe surrounded by all of these leggy objects that never tried to run away. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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You can make almost anything a learning or positive experience. I think I offer a good example of how to make the most out of what life gives you and how to keep moving on. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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What I like about you is that I've never met anybody like you in my life. You've got depth and you're funny and you have a sweet, good soul." A breeze from the water passes over us, "And I admire your strength. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I felt deeply tricked. Stunned. And furious. I also felt my default emotion: numbness. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Augusten Burroughs quotes by Augusten Burroughs
Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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But I am not here ironically; I am here sincerely. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Shame is the landfill emotion. It's not organic, like joy. It was dumped there by somebody else. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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It's not such a huge deal when this happens at a 7-Eleven. It's pretty huge, though, when you spend the entire job interview trying not to come across like a box of hair and you come across like a box of hair. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Handsome people are always interesting to watch. But a handsome person in crisis is riveting. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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If you're gay and live in New York and don't go to gym, eventually they come for you. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I'm always prepared for the worst. I was prepared to have the book come out, sell seven copies, and have to keep working in advertising, so it was just great that it was received so well and by such a huge audience. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Part of me believes that love is more valuable when you have to work for it. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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What is lint? How does it find hair dryers and navels? ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I hate when you play therapist. Especially with your accent. It makes everything you say sound so BBC. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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I never question the way I write. Writing is the only thing that's without seams for me. It's an effort to talk because my pictures have to be turned into these sounds. It's an effort to be alive. It's work. But writing is wonderful. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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Give me down. And give me the Polaroids of the fifty geese that had to die in the process. ~ Augusten Burroughs
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