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You should know that your food aid does not reach the people it's supposed to. In the place where I stayed, there were no Peacekeepers, and the Četniks stole the aid meant for civilians. If you drop the food and leave, you're just feeding your enemy. We had guns, but they had more. Firepower is the only thing that determines who eats.
The next night I sat at the table at dinnertime, too, and ate soup and bread with preserves. Before she blew out the candles, Drenka spread a sheet across the sofa and called me over. I felt my spine lengthen like it hadn't during the weeks of sleeping contracted on the kitchen floor, and I stretched my arms over my head and pushed myself deep into the cushions of the couch.
In the streets we occasionally glimpsed familiar T-shirts within our circles of friends, though we had an unspoken agreement not to mention it. On the weekends we spent our mornings scrubbing the stains from our new old clothes, wringing out each other's memories.
The one who preferred her own sorrows to all the joys in the world had enterd the forest and broken the spell
Telling my story was supposed to be a good thing but it had just made everything worse.
Somewhere in the dead space between house and shelter civilians became soldiers.
The realization that my parents, too, felt pain and fear frightened me more than any strangers could.
Their musings about how and why people stayed in a country under such terrible conditions were what I hated most. I knew it was ignorance, not insight that prompted these questions. they asked because they hadn't smelled the air raid smoke or the scent of singed flesh on their own balconies; they couldn't fathom that such a dangerous place could still harbor all the feelings of home.
It was as if it never occurred to anyone that blocking the incoming roads was the same as blocking the escape routes.
I stared at my sister. For once she was quiet. Her eyes were glassy and she looked deep in thought or far away, as if she had already crossed the ocean. I wished I knew more about her and less about the patterns of her sickness. She was so small, so busy surviving that we hadn't gotten the chance to be like other sisters, but her hands still fit well in mine.
Worrying isn't rational. No one makes a conscious decision to freak out about something.
The country was at war, but for most people the war was more an idea than an experience, and I felt something between anger and shame that Americans - that I - could sometimes ignore its impact for days at a time. In Croatia, life in wartime had meant a loss of control, war holding sway over every thought and movement, even while you slept.
Communism is fascism, in all practical applications," he was saying now. "Can you think of a Communist country sans dictator?
As a side effect of modern warfare, we had the peculiar privilege of watching the destruction of our country on television.
We entered an era of false alarms.
In the beginning, adults operating somewhere between concern and nosiness had asked questions about the war, and I spoke truthfully about the things I'd seen. But my descriptions were often met with an uncomfortable shining of eyes, as if they were waiting for me to take things back, to say that war or genocide was actually no big deal. They'd offer their condolences, as they'd been taught, then wade through a polite amount of time before presenting an excuse to end the conversation.
I'd studied English since the first grade but considered it a murky language, one whose grammar seemed to have been made up on the fly
Some people say the Balkans is just inherently violent. That we have to fight a war every fifty years."
"I hope that's not true", I said.
I tried to think of a singularly American superstition. I'd learned a few from the Uncles - something about not letting one's shoes touch the kitchen table - but those were all imported from the Old World. Perhaps a country of immigrants had never gotten around to commingling the less desirable pieces of their cultures. Either that, or life there wasn't difficult enough to warrant an adult's belief in magic.