David Spade Quotes

Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.

It's funny because it's funny.

To be famous and broke is hard.

It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special ... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

I never dated much in high school or college.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.

Never tickle a girl when she has diarrhea

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.

I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do this for so long. I'm old, and my friends all have kids. And I'm single, still blow drying my hair!

FYI, this book is not that serious. This is meant to be read when super bored, then forgotten fifteen minutes later. It could be read cover-to-cover during one medium-to-severe case of diarrhea.

Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, Scream all you want, sugar. Ain't nobody gonna hear you!

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.

Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!

I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

It's hard to have a career.

It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.

I have no detectable hair style.

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

It's good to do stand-up. It kind of wakes you up and makes you feel like you're doing something. You got the crowd right there. That's all fun.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.

You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.