Chris Pavone Quotes

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Dexter was too legit," Julia continued. "His life was too verifiable, too aboveboard. He was nobody's spy, nobody's mole, nobody's rat. He was who he is. And he didn't know that you weren't.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Dexter was too legit,
Circumstantial evidence may not be enough to convict. But it's almost always enough to reveal the truth. Isn't it?
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Circumstantial evidence may not be
She hoped that a day would come when she wouldn't be suspicious of everyone who walked by.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: She hoped that a day
This had been part of her training, part of her career, part of herself: whatever was going on, live like a normal person. Do normal things, see normal people. Don't give anyone a reason to question you, investigate you. Don't give them any meaningful answers to prying questions that might be asked after you've disappeared. Don't create any suspicion that you were not who you claimed to be.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: This had been part of
You're going to make a lot of money? In Luxembourg?"
"Yes."
"How?"
"They have a shortage of great-looking men. So they're going to pay me a bucket-load for being incredibly handsome and staggeringly sexy.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: You're going to make a
I don't want you to explain. I want you to convince me I'm wrong. Or admit I'm right.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: I don't want you to
It hadn't taken very long to come clean, after so many years of so many lies. It was surprising how undifferent she felt, now that everything - nearly everything - was out in the open.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: It hadn't taken very long
She didn't want to give the murder-pornography frame by frame. Didn't want to recite her route across Manhattan, the length of the knife blade and the number of times she pulled the trigger, the color of the blood-splattered wallpaper in the hotel room, the man falling to the floor, the baby crying in the next room, the woman emerging and dropping the bottle, its nipple popping off and the milk spilling onto the carpet, the woman pleading "Por favor," her hands up, shaking her head, asking - begging - for her life to be spared, her big black eyes wide, deep sinkholes of dark terror, while Kate trained the Glock on her, a seemingly eternal internal debate, while the baby sounded like he was the same age as Jake, late infancy, and this poor woman the same age as Kate, a different version of herself, an unlucky woman who didn't deserve to die.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: She didn't want to give
I was young, and I was damaged, and I couldn't imagine being not young, and not damaged.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: I was young, and I
Maybe he was wondering if they could make it, such liars, together. A marriage based on so many things that were not true. A life lived so falsely, for so long.

Kate didn't know that Dexter hadn't admitted all his lies. Just as she hadn't revealed every one of her secrets.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Maybe he was wondering if
I thought you make your living as a thief."
"No," he said. "That's what I do for fun.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: I thought you make your
Kate had always known that she herself was a strong woman. But it never occured to her that there were strong women everywhere, living mundane lives that didnt include carrying weapons amid desperate men on the fringes of third-world wars, but instead calmly taking injured children to hospitals, far from home. Far from their mothers, and fathers and siblings, from school chums and old collegues. In a place where they had no one to rely on except them-selves, for everything.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Kate had always known that
As they'd agreed the night before on their cold balcony, scripting out this dialog, there would be three large lies in this conversation. This was the first.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: As they'd agreed the night
You talking about computer weaknesses?"
"Yes. But also human weaknesses."
"Meaning what?"
"Meaning the types of weaknesses that make humans let down their guard. Trust people they shouldn't trust."
"You're talking about manipulating people."
"Yes." Dexter and Lester were staring at each other. "I guess I am.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: You talking about computer weaknesses?
It hasn't taken long to find herself thinking that people are watching. And that they always have been, all the time. It was only a few months ago that Kate had finally been able to imagine she was living a totally surveillance-free life.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: It hasn't taken long to
On the semi-frozen river below, a duck quacked insistently, sounding like a grumpy old man agruing with a cashier.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: On the semi-frozen river below,
The new man was again staring at her, staring at him, challenging her, knowing that she was considering him, wanting her to know that he was considering her. She couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be with a man who absolutely didn't need her, but merely wanted her.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: The new man was again
Now that it was finally here, she wasn't surprised to find herself still reluctant to start it. Reluctant to end the part of her life when this conversation hadn't happened yet. Reluctant to find out what her life would look like after it.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Now that it was finally
People will think we're having an affair," Kate said. She took a seat next to Bill on the cold slats of treated wood.
"That would be better than the truth.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: People will think we're having
But she was still operating on lonely-person principles, still worried that her happiness could be wrenched away at any moment, for reasons out of her control.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: But she was still operating
Kate was beginning to put distance between her sense of betrayal, her anger, and Dexter's behavior. She was beginning to take his side. Or at least beginning to be able to see things from it.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Kate was beginning to put
She began to sacrifice that old identity to live in her new one. It was the new life, after all, that everyone wanted.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: She began to sacrifice that
She was seduced by the romance of it; she was energized by the possibilities.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: She was seduced by the
They are permanent tourists, in Paris. Their life is a certain type of dream come true.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: They are permanent tourists, in
Kate was never going to understand the extent to which men were stupid.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Kate was never going to
It didn't need to be light to be day.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: It didn't need to be
They were ticking off items on a to-do list that was magnet-attached to the fridge. There were nineteen items on the list. They'd crossed off fifteen. The final item was underlined: Make a life.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: They were ticking off items
Grudges," she said, "are timeless.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Grudges,
She was not in a position to complain about this life, not yet. Probably not ever.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: She was not in a
Another of her husband's silent lies.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Another of her husband's silent
She glances at each of her three companions, at the protective veneers they're all wearing, trying to mask the different lies they've told one another. The lies they're all continuing to try to maintain. Hoping these lies will carry them through the rest of their full and satisfying lives, despite the truths they've chosen not to tell the most important people in their worlds.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: She glances at each of
You know what this means?
Everyone does, but nobody answers.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: You know what this means?<br>Everyone
It was impossible to understand how brief it is. It seemed like youth would last so long; it would last forever. But it's just a blink.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: It was impossible to understand
Because when people are transferring millions of dollars, they don't simply hit the Send button on their computer.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Because when people are transferring
She was picking a fight because it was Thanksgiving, and she was not thankful.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: She was picking a fight
Would they have a life together anymore, after tonight? Or was this it? The end?
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Would they have a life
This was a bizarre moment: this crossing-over from a hypothetical plan to a concrete caper, giving in to what may turn out to be an utterly outlandish idea, possibly letting go of some important tether to sanity. Deciding yes: I will do this. But not deciding it 100 percent, because that wold be admitting too much to herself, about herself, that she didn't want to admit. But deciding it 95 percent, enough to take the possibly outlandish action, but not enough to believe beyond a reasonable doubt that this wasn't just a goof, a lark, but an actual non-insane plan.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: This was a bizarre moment:
The second impediment was that she didn't want to acknowledge that part of her impetus to Internet stalking was a long habit of trusting no one. A habit whose genesis was the self-knowledge that she herself was untrustworthy.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: The second impediment was that
She knew what he was thinking: if she was asking questions like these, she was trying to understand. Trying to forgive him. He was right.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: She knew what he was
It's impossible to know which parts of the woman, if any, were real.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: It's impossible to know which
But there's this giant deception at the foundation of their relationship, their happiness. This impure motive. There was that small mistake that the woman made, uttering the wrong number. And then the man reconstructed an entire intrigue, a big thick plot - a seduction and affair and relationship and marriage proposal, a whole life - around her error and his notice of it. Taking advantage of her lie.

But does that make their relationship less real? Does that make it impossible that they genuinely love each other?
Chris  Pavone Quotes: But there's this giant deception
We all see ourselves as the center of everything.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: We all see ourselves as
It would make a lot more sense if she had imagined this whole thing, her whole life. Now would just be now, attached to some other, more straightforward past.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: It would make a lot
Whatever her husband had done, it couldn't be as bad as what she herself had done.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Whatever her husband had done,
She loved him so much. Even when she hated him.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: She loved him so much.
So my sister, she slipped through the cracks of the disaster of our family. She became her own disaster.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: So my sister, she slipped
What she did know, unfortunately, was that she had to reconsider everything she'd ever willed herself to believe about her husband.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: What she did know, unfortunately,
So tell me how you think this ends.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: So tell me how you
This is the expat life: you never know when someone you see every day is going to disappear forever, instantly transmogrifying into a phantom. Before long you won't be able to remember her last name, the color of her eyes, the grades that her children were in. You can't imagine not seeing her tomorrow. You can't imagine you yourself being one of those people, someone who one day just vanishes. But you are.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: This is the expat life:
Malcolm gestures in the vague direction of ugly sad lonely crap, which as it happens is toward Times Square.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Malcolm gestures in the vague
But if you move fast, you can have your freedom.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: But if you move fast,
Plus she had to admit that a small part of her secrecy was that she was holding something back, for herself. If she never told Dexter the truth, she was still reserving the right to return to her old life. To one day be a covert operative again. To be a person who could keep the largest secrets from everyone, including her husband, forever.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Plus she had to admit
But quitting didn't change what she'd already done. The piece of her past that she'd never be able to outrun.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: But quitting didn't change what
Each of those photos proves a different thing. All those things add up to the truth.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: Each of those photos proves
But when Kate returned home he was gone. Back to the video camera that had recorded her. Back to his unexplainable office. Back to his secret phone, his unfamiliar contacts, his fifty million stolen euros. Back to his other life.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: But when Kate returned home
That was the secret to maintaining lies: not trying to hide them.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: That was the secret to
And everyone's in the same situation, basically: we're all finding our separate ways, together.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: And everyone's in the same
It was becoming difficult to separate her own decisions from those made by others, for her, on behalf of themselves.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: It was becoming difficult to
There was a guy with extra millions in the bank. And he spent all his free time, all his energy, spending his money. His cars, his houses, his vacations. Just like the rich bankers here in Luxembourg, whose business was making money and whose passion was spending it.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: There was a guy with
The best hiding spots are not the most hidden; they're merely the least searched.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: The best hiding spots are
So she forgave him. And instead she berated herself for her suspicion, for her snooping. For the things she promised herself she wouldn't do, the feelings she wouldn't have.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: So she forgave him. And
What do you do with children, all the time? In Washington, she'd had charge of the kids on weekends; preschools and the nanny had borne the brunt of the day-to-day child-care responsibilities. She'd wanted more time with the kids, then.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: What do you do with
But all people have secrets. Part of being human is having secrets, and being curious about other people's secrets. Dirty fetishes and debilitating fascinations and shameful defeats and ill-begotten triumphs, humiliating selfishness and repulsive inhumanity. The horrible things that people have thought and done, the lowest points in their lives.
Chris  Pavone Quotes: But all people have secrets.
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