A. Zukowski Quotes

I was married to a woman until a year ago, I wasn't out for that reason, too." He reminds me he has only recently 'come out'. "It still feels strange to think of myself as a gay man. Told you I'm quite pathetic." Now, I feel like crap for laughing at him. "You're not pathetic, Ali." He smiles again. Gorgeous. "I like you too." The truth is I like Ali a lot. But I am afraid to admit it. The ale is pretty smooth, and I become more relaxed around Ali as we settle into our evening. I have not felt like this with anyone for a long time

You don't need a reason to be upset. I think you've had a breakdown, Liam." Breakdown, relapse, binge, craving. A big fucking mess. Fucking walking disaster. But Ali lets me cry myself dry while ruining his shirt. When I finally stop, he asks, "Will you go to a detox? Sasha can ask his counsellor for an emergency placement. Perhaps we can persuade them you're a danger to yourself?" Hearing those words, I chuckle through my tears. "I know I'm a danger to myself." Ali smiles. "Yeah. And to me." "What do you mean?" I have to clean some of my snot with the bottom of my T-shirt. It doesn't matter anyway since the clothes I'm wearing are dirty and probably need to be fumigated. His grin broadens. "Well, I'm dangerously close to caring too much about you." I shake my head. Ali's a big softie but I can't think about romance right now

I stare at my hands and remember my dad's and how I trusted them when I was a kid until I learned that they could turn into fists. And words could hurt even more than the bruises.

Have you ever imagined finding a soul mate, the one?" "Uh?" I consider the question and I'm truly surprised that Chris even thinks about that. He changes his boyfriends and girlfriends every few weeks, and gives no indication he ever wants to be serious with any of them. "A soul mate?" When I was with my boyfriends, I thought I had found him. I'm now too jaded to think that. I have no answer for Chris. I don't want to feel nothing anymore, though. Even when I was wasted on drugs, I wouldn't allow myself to be completely numb. It's probably why I can't ignore Ali while I try hard not to lose my head over him. I don't think I'm good enough for him. I'm still afraid that I'll get hurt if I let myself trust someone again

Are you sure about this?" I wring my hands. "I was a homeless druggie, a beggar and an escort. I'm prone to breakdowns and poor decisions. Have you picked up strays before and let them into your house?" He laughs, not taking me seriously at all. "I don't give a flying fuck as long as you're here." He rubs my abs to soothe me. "Liam. You make me happy. Life's too short not to grab hold of happiness when it comes knocking at my door." Fuck. He has done it again. Tears surge in my eyes. "And you just seem to make me cry like a fucking twat!" He smiles, comes closer and kisses me. Before I know it, he wraps his arms around my waist and thighs and tries to lift me up and carry me. I am pretty lithe but I'm still too tall and heavy for him. He manages to half-lug, half-drag me up the stairs and into the bedroom while laughing his head off.

I stretch and hold his hand over the table. If there is one thing I can do as his boyfriend, I want to make Ali feel less lonely. I bring his hand to my lips and kiss it gently, and he responds with his signature grin. With my disastrous love life so far, I know this is a chance for me and I want to do right by him. We gaze at each other, our eyes lock and it feels so natural and good.

Ali stares dreamily at the shadows of the garden. I wonder why he's the one who seems to be pining for something. I look intently at the dark sky as I consider his questions and finally I realise what 'home' means to me. Even with a roof over my head I'm still homeless in my heart. Bricks and mortar don't mean anything. I'm not sure if I want a real home right now, somewhere I belong. Not that one is on offer or available to someone like me. Some days, I long for the freedom of the streets, strange as it may sound to anyone who has never been homeless. My bedsit and the job are like a hamster's cage, giving me temporary shelter but making me go round and round in circles

I love you."
Oh, fuck. I'm not going to cry, again. I really am not. But the tears fall and they keep falling. I try to dry them with my hands. Ali takes over.
"I hope they're tears of joy."
Choked by my own ridiculousness, I mumble, "No one's ever loved me."
"I do."
I stare through the tears at Ali's open face.
"And you deserve to beloved. Those other people are obviously idiots."
My sobs become more desperate. How old am I? Fucking twelve? "Damn you. Stop making me cry."
He chuckles.
I manage to stop myself eventually

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I realise I'm enjoying the conversation. Here in this little garden, I am able to relax. Living in my box room in
the crowded flat isn't good for contemplation. But then, who am I to complain? I can hardly afford anything else. As we listen to the hum of the London suburb and the distant sirens that cut through the city's streets all night, Ali's curious gaze fixes on my face as though he really wants to know the real me.

We close the distance between us again and kiss, a deep and greedy one. Ali pulls away after the long hard snog. "Liam, will you show me Ireland sometime?" "Yes." It'll be strange but I've finally realised that coming from the country doesn't define me. It's left its mark but I am my own person. Home is where I choose to make it. In Ali's arms, I've come home.

Now that you know I'm available, you want me to be your boyfriend?" I ask tentatively. Ali swallows and utters quietly, "Yes." The man is crazy to want me but he has been forewarned about my inadequacies

Ali. You're a great guy," I attempt to reason. "You're good-looking, sorted. A cool job, a great house. I know you have some regrets with your wife. But, you'll find a good man soon, someone who loves you. I know it." Someone who deserves to be with Ali. Jaysus. I sound like a bloody agony aunt albeit not a very eloquent one. He struggles to smile. "Is that your way of letting me down gently?" Fuck, the stupid fuck. "No, I don't get to let you down. You understand? You book me, I'll come, but I am not what you want long term." I don't even mind losing a client. I have enough regulars now. It bothers me to think I won't get to spend time with him every week but what the fuck is someone like Ali doing with me? We finish our drinks in silence, an awkwardness growing between us. He gets the bill. When we are in the car, he gives me two hundred pounds. "I think I'll drive you home." His voice is low and uncertain. Fine. I direct him to a few doors down from my bedsit near the Arsenal football ground in North London. I am not prepared to reveal where I live, not even to Ali. He kisses me softly on the lips. With unshed tears in his eyes once again, he gazes at me, and touches my hair. "Thank you for everything, Liam. Goodbye

I say no to a drink, though. Maybe later. Alcohol makes my nerves worse. No matter how long I've been selling sex, revealing myself to a stranger is not easy.

Fuck, Ali." "That's what we're doing." He smiles. "I don't think I'll ever tire of you. I don't know what to do." That makes the two of us. To muffle his words and my rattled brain, I bend down and kiss him again. It feels so damn good with Ali deep inside of me. I won't need too much more stimulation to come again. Neither will he. He pushes himself up to meet me. All I can hear is our laboured breaths, and the slapping of our flesh together. Ali soon tenses and thrusts upwards into me again and again with full force, driving the couch across the floor, until he's spent. I move off him, and wrap my hand around myself. Ali's zonedout eyes are utterly absorbed by me as Ijerk off; his concentration consumes every inch of me when I give in to pleasuring myself and I come all over his abs. Ali's grin is precious. "Come here." We ignore the sticky mess between us. I reach down and let myself be hugged this time while I calm down from the intensity of sex. As I do that, Ali idly strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head. "You're incredible." I can say the same about him. Ali and I together feel effortless

Ali kisses the side of my head. "Yes, there are people who care about you, Liam." I hear the smile in his voice

Ali McClelland. Too bad. I just can't let you become my sugar daddy." I put the notes back on the hall table. He shakes his head. "I'll never be your sugar anything! You stubborn git." He grabs me and kisses me with force, enough to make me see stars. When he lets me go, I give him a wide grin because I am giddy from his kisses. "Not everyone lives in a nice house in Islington. I only have my pride." "And I love your pride." Ali smiles. "But I'm not rich despite having this house. Emily's parents gave it to her as a wedding present. And when she died, it was passed on to me. I'm grateful for it but it doesn't define me." I sigh. "I never said it did." "And you'll make me a very happy man if you come and share it with me. The house has three bedrooms. You can even have your own space." He waves his hand as if to emphasise the point that there is plenty of room. I keep putting off the discussion of 'our future' as I know what it means. If I move in with him, I won't need to be an escort anymore to pay rent and I can maybe get a low-paid or part-time job. I can even go back to study music at college. It is a big step. I am scared, properly frightened. What if it doesn't work out? On the other hand, I've got nothing to lose except the newfound control of my life at the expense of selling my arse. I promise myself I'll give it more thought

Thank you, Liam." His almost innocent gesture is so tender it makes me shudder. I have to blink a few times to remind myself this is a job. Thinking about emotions is pointless. "You're welcome." I give him my most charming beam and a wink. "Book me again if you had a good time, yeah?" His grin makes the crow's feet that are just appearing at the corners of his eyes more obvious. I like them on the man, though. I don't think I have a type, but a 'daddy' is definitely not one I'd normally go for. But then, he's probably only ten, fifteen years older than me. Hell, shut up, Liam. Quit over-analysing. It's not like this hot guy is going to be interested in you beyond paid-for sex. I'm probably horny, missing a lover or a regular fuck buddy who would be better than nobody. I miss one person most but he's gone, found his true love and he's doing well. I am happy for him despite the ache inside me when I think back to the hard times I shared with Sasha and the love I felt for him. Some days I wish I could turn back the clock. By the time I told Sasha I loved him, it was too late, but regrets are a luxury for someone like me.

You don't tip before I've delivered the service, mate." I may be a prostitute but I don't accept payment when I haven't worked for it. I'll be vulnerable to peculiar demands later on. "I want you to have it." Ali shifts his feet uncomfortably. He gazes at me for a long moment, seemingly debating what to say. "I...I want us to have sex as though we're making love." Making love? Jaysus. I scratch my head. I am at a loss why the words scare me. It's not like I don't understand what it's about, theoretically. "Okay. You mean more kisses and shit?" Ali laughs. "And shit." His face lights up and he looks about ten years younger. "Like cuddles." Cuddles. Hugs. Kisses. Luxuries for other people. Sex has been only sex to me in the last few years. I guess grown-ups sometimes need some tender loving care. Fuck knows why Ali wants that from me, but if it's what he fancies, it's not the weirdest request I've ever heard. "'Course. The customer is always right." A frown appears briefly on his handsome face. I take his hand and lead him into the bedroom. We are still standing when I start kissing him, slowly at first as if I need to taste his lips and savour them. All the while, I try to think of him
as someone I want. Strangely, it turns me on more than I care to admit. As I undress him, each small button of his shirt I undo brings expectation that thrills me. His strong hands seem too big for the same task, but they are delicate at the same time with the act of revealing my body. Soon

Ali, I've been tested regularly, but I will go again as soon as possible. Tomorrow. I wanna be clean for you. For us." His grin widens. "I'd like that. For you more than anything else." He weaves his fingers in my hair and his gaze is warm. "I never asked you. How did you really feel being an escort?" I take a deep breath. If I'm honest, I try not to think too much about it. Shut my eyes, ignore any physical discomfort and get on with the job. I had no problem with sex and I sometimes did enjoy it. But the emotional attachment wasn't there; not until I met Ali did I realise how arousing it was to want someone so desperately. It was a job that I had mixed feelings about. "I persuaded myself that it was only sex but it wasn't. I was dying inside, losing my sense of self. It's okay as a job but there are other things I can do. I'll find them." Ali's strong arms hold me tight and his presence grounds me. "All I know is I want you. Anyone else will only remind me that I'm not with you." I kiss him again and again